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ughhh
  • momnipotentmomnipotent
    Posts: 498Member
    im so fucking depressed its unreal, and im so constntly pushing it down that when it does get the better of me its like someone cut me in half.
    I am so fucking lonely, im so desperate for a friend but it just doesnt happen.. no matter how far I put myself out there noone wants to be my friend, I dont fucking get it!!! everyone has at least one person in this world they can turn to, where did I go so wrong?? and I always end up taking it out on my SO when he wants to go.out because im so fucking jealous that he has options.
    this lonliness on top of everything else breks my heart... I try so hard to.be strong for the baby but all I can seem to.do is cry.
    on top of that while my boyfriend was out this morning I got prettied up and waa hoping for a compliment and somw cuddles but he didnt even mention it and then informed me he is going back out.. like I put in some swrious effort to not look like my slobby leaky tit crazy haired greasy faced self but apparently I still look like shit
    im so sick of life what exactly is my purpose???? I could die today and noone would be any worse off for it..
    so while hes out doing whatever and getting stoned I guesss ill just stay home,cry and change shitty diapers and starve since its impossible to both cook annd eat with this baby
    fuuuuuuuuuuckkkkkk
    *ad astra per alia porci*
    my nuts hang like there aint no curfew
  • realtormomrealtormom
    Posts: 648Member
    It's really hard being home. When I first meet, then married my DH, I also quit my job and moved 500 miles away to a town where I knew him and other other person. After dd was born, I felt even more isolated. It took some time, therapy, and effort for me to get out there and meet people and the ugly monster often shows up on my shoulder, but it us getting better. Hugs to you. Hang in there.
    The past has a vote, not a veto ~ Moredecai Kaplan
  • unforgivenunforgiven
    Posts: 12,700Confessional Manager
    Oh honey, you sound so overwhelmed. Don't stuff any feelings down anymore. It helps to let it out. It's difficult for me to put myself out there as well. I'm here if you ever need to talk or vent.

    confessional-manager

    "What looks like torture is a time to rejoice
    What sounds like thunder is a comforting voice
    When what is beautiful looks broken and crushed
    And I say I don't know you
    But you say it's finished"
  • momnipotentmomnipotent
    Posts: 498Member
    I cant let it out most of the time my SO doesnt kno how to handke emotion and reacts with anger which makes it worse
    I feel like I have nothing going for me, im not attractive im out of shape noone NEEDS me im uneducated im broke my SO doesnt ever want to have sex or touch me im in so much physical pain that my dr wont even acknowledge ive been waiting months for a therapist, the list goes on and on. im running out of coping skills.

    im so fucking young but I seriously feel like life is over what exactly is my purpose???
    *ad astra per alia porci*
    my nuts hang like there aint no curfew
  • momnipotentmomnipotent
    Posts: 498Member
    there arent any groups around here that I havent tried and my baby is too big for his carseat and I have no car or stroller like im fucking stuck. I wont leave the baby with my SO because I am terrified of coming back to an empty house, and I am exclusively breastfeeding
    *ad astra per alia porci*
    my nuts hang like there aint no curfew
  • momnipotentmomnipotent
    Posts: 498Member
    ita like I have "loser" tattoed on my forehead no matter what I do noone is interested. god no wonder I was so mich happier slutting around its the only way I got social.interaction
    *ad astra per alia porci*
    my nuts hang like there aint no curfew
  • momnipotentmomnipotent
    Posts: 498Member
    I do whenever its nice enough but it just makes me feel even more alone.. I love mu child to death dont get me wrong but a three month old doesnt make for very stimulating convo
    *ad astra per alia porci*
    my nuts hang like there aint no curfew
  • TrEr02TrEr02
    Posts: 687Member

    @momnipotent the way you are describing yourself sounds very familiar. I have been where you are from the way you put things and I know it sux!!! It took me a long time to realize that I needed to find what makes me happy and not depend on my happiness from others...figuring that out can be really hard! @Vela <--- all that stuff she said really does work! I started exercing and going for walks...and when I lost some weight I really came out of my shell. You should really try it..the baby would probably love going for walks and the fresh air may be just the trick to get baby to take a nap! Good luck :)

    We got no food, no jobs...OUR PETS HEADS ARE FALLING OFF!!
  • momnipotentmomnipotent
    Posts: 498Member
    at 20lbs and counting lugging him around with no stroller is soooo hard on my back or id be out every dau
    *ad astra per alia porci*
    my nuts hang like there aint no curfew
  • TrEr02TrEr02
    Posts: 687Member
    check for a stroller at a thrift shop or something if money is tight
    We got no food, no jobs...OUR PETS HEADS ARE FALLING OFF!!
  • momnipotentmomnipotent
    Posts: 498Member
    @vela lots of people do it and I am not above recognizing it in myself... I just get so fucking low and its hard to move out of the pattern of coming up with reasons why not and just fucking do it! everyone needs a kick in the ass sometimes
    *ad astra per alia porci*
    my nuts hang like there aint no curfew
  • momnipotentmomnipotent
    Posts: 498Member
    Yeah I am having a reallly hard time staying away from addiction... I feel like there nothing else to turn to but I breastfeed and want the best for my baby so I am resisting thus far but the thought of stopping breastfeeding and taking up some other habit seems to cross my mind more often... which scares me
    I live in my hometown.. I have QUITE the reputation here and its not for being a saint so it doesnt matter what I do, the small town dynamic rules all, so I definately do need to make my own happiness I just dont know hooooowwwww
    *ad astra per alia porci*
    my nuts hang like there aint no curfew
  • beachmommybeachmommy
    Posts: 2,523Member

    @momnipotent - my DS just turned 16 weeks, and I know for me, my hormones have not returned to normal at all, and I still get very down and depressed at times.  It sounds like I am a few weeks ahead of you are post-partum wise.  Please hang in there, things will get better emotional wise. I have been feeling MUCH better just in the last 10 days. 

    I agree with PP who said get outside when you can - it does do wonders.  The umbrella strollers do not cost much at all.  Also, it is garage sale season out there - you may be able to find something that holds up better than an umbrella stroller for less money. 

    My beach is still Sandy....
  • boring_nameboring_name
    Posts: 667Member
    Also watch Craigslist in your area for freebies.. :) On the stroller anyway :) 
    B
  • boring_nameboring_name
    Posts: 667Member
    @Vela that is similar to what my therapist wants me to do. She said even if you feel like crap, ACT like you are a mentally healthy person. Soon you WILL be. 
    B
  • luckymama
    Posts: 94Member
    Great advice here. I've had similar feelings in those early days of first time motherhood. Breastfeeding my sweet baby actually helped pull me through. Especially in those first months, we are everything to our babies. Its beyond exhausting, but pretty powerful. Love on your little baby and see how much he loves you and soon enough, you'll realize how very needed you are. I hope that doesn't sound trite. And everyone says this, but it really is true: it does get easier.
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