Fuck me running is a fave around here as is shit fire and save matches drunk as a football bat sweatin like a whore in church dumb as a box of hammers and wow you got hit by every branch of the stupid tree as u fell outta it didn't ya? As you can tell I am a southern smart ass !!!

I often say "For fuck's sake!"

 "Sounds like a dog shitting fish hooks" used to make me giggle.  used when someone is whinning a lot..

Well that went over as good as a pregnant pole vaulter
Your not stupid you just suck at thinking
Blow my brain out and jack me off before I die....who the hells knows with this one lol
Finer than frog hair split three ways
and my personal fav Why thank you captain obvious

I'm going to start using "bath salts" in place of PTSD... "Hey man don't get all bath salts psycho on me, my face is to pretty for that shit".

Also "some one messed up your ass when they put a set of teeth on it" old redneck I worked with

He/she's as smart as a box of hair!

Another one used pretty often in the Marines, when some one ask you something and you like at all stupid, "what do I have a dick growing out of my forehead or something?"

Fairly often at Wal-Mart (and many other places) I see people that make me think "Ugh, the dregs of humanity..."  I just hope I've never said it out loud in public!

"Hey, you're fuckin this cat, I'm just holding the tail." (used when someone is trying to pawn off their work, project, chore etc. onto me.)

My grandfather, rest in peace, used to say he was busier than a one handed paper hanger. When I tell my husband that I or our kids want something, he says "I want a million dollars and a blow job, never gonna happen." If dsd10 asks something w/ an obvious yes answer, I say "does a bear shit in the woods?"

I don't know whether to scratch my watch or wind my ass.

That jerk couldn't find his own ass with both hands and a flashlight. (Alternatively, a relief map).

Well, aren't we Sister Mary Sunshine this morning.

Who the hell pissed in your Corn Flakes?

My heart pounds piss for you.

Son of a beehive.

Your head isn't just a parking place for teeth. There's a brain in there, too. Use it.

I'd rather piss on a spark plug.

Don't keep your mind so open your brains fall out.

Does the Tin Man have a sheet metal cock? (Thank the Trailer Park Boys for that one).

Whenever I say something to my DH that's never going to happen (i.e. "I'm going to Florida.. you stay here with the kids!"), he says, "You shit and fell back in it!" It always cracks me up!

wish in one hand and shit in the other and see which one fills up first.
when talking with my sister we say "your mom......" bc well we have the same mom.

"Well Hell's bells..."
"Six of this and half a dozen of that..."
"Fuck you and the horse you rode in on."
"Close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades."
"If it had teeth it'd jump up and bite me."
"Chill out, cub scout..." (Many time daily to DS2)
"The road to hell is paved in good intentions..."
"(long pause) No." Often said when DH asks me a question like, "Can you unlock your car for me?" "No. (snickers)"
"That'll go over like a lead balloon..."
"Stand up, it went over your head..." (Often to my sister...she can die her hair brown all she wants, she's a blonde.)

My nana says "Lord love a duck..." a lot. I find my self saying when exasperated by DS2 and curse words aren't even helping to relive the frustration. LOL

Jesusfuck

When Im super busy doing 50 things at once and a kid comes in asking for something I always say hold on, Im busier than a whore fucking two sets of siamese twins. :D that always stops them and gets them to figuring out what that might look like.  :))

Settle down your like a fart in a collander.

Pull your shorts, dress, pants, etc. down, people can see next weeks washing.

Who put bitchy pills in your laxative today.

Don't let the door hit ya where the good lord split ya.

You look like no one owns ya. (to her dirty faced 6 year old.)

All of these are courtesy of my bff. I can't think of any others that she says, but she has millions of them and they always make me chuckle.

My sister used to say "Good cow!" (like good grief) and it drove me crazy, so I started saying "Holy Moo!" back to her.lol
And my all time favorite: "Well butter my ass and call me a biscuit, look who's here!!"

nobody will wash your face when your dead
If the wind changes your face will stay that way (both in reference to a grumpy face)

My fave ones;
Does the pope shit in the woods/is a bear catholic
Recently been changed to 'does benji shit in thw woods' because evidentally, he does.

There's a lot of 'sos your face' in our house (not with benji tho!)

Sweating like a nun in a sex shop

chuffed as a chocolate frog

dry as a nuns crack

tight as a ducks arse

mouth like gandhi's flip-flop