Young Mothers, has anyone else experienced this?

missmama5

Healthy Start is a good program :)
I was also 17 when I had my DS6 and I had a social worker talk to me too. I was really ppissed off, i mean I get that I'm young but come on why discriminate? do it for everyone if you're going to do that, age is a number. I also had problems with my nurses though. I had specialists throughout my pregnancy because I was high risk so the doctors all knew me very well, and i was at an amazing hospital when I gave birth so I expected so much more. Boy, was I wrong! When I was pregnant it was all great, but as soon as i was in the maternity ward the claws came out. It seemed to me that I was in a high risk hospital and a lot of the mothers there were older and having mulitples, twins triplets etc. The nurses really treated me like hell. I felt so uncomfortable, they weren't consistent in helping me breastfeed my son which I did, all on my own with no thanks to them. Pretty good for 17, but I didn't get much credit for that. I just got filthy looks from the old bat nurses who had to check on me. I had a c-section so I needed help the first few days and I got next to none. It made me feel really low and frustrated. The social worker was the straw that broke the camels back for me. I lost it on her and the nurse who brought her in. She started asking me all these questions about drugs and alcohol and a "stable home environment" and if I had a "support system that I could rely on for help". What if I didn't? Thhat means I can't be a good, capable mother all on my own because I'm 17? I just looked at her and asked if she had to ask 30 year old new mothers the same questions. She didn't have an answer and i asked her to leave my room. I didn't hear anything about it again. To this day I still get judged and shunned by other moms because of my age, my son is almost 6 and I look like I'm way younger than I am (I'm 23 now). I just try not to let it get to me, but I hate that my son has to suffer not going to playdates and hanging out with his friends after school hours because of these bitches and their pretentiousness. He has never even had a school mate over :( it makes me sad. But he has me, and that's all that matters, and we are good mommy's even though we are young to they can all shove it.

CSmith

I had my daughter at 19 and I remember thinking it was a good thing I knew a lot about babies because they sent me home without even telling me how much to feed her.

It's pretty common to test first time mothers urine on every visit because they don't have a pregnancy history to go by, so you don't know what problems a mother might be prone to.

It is totally illegal to inspect anyone's home without their permission, you do NOT have to let anyone in your home. Even social workers who receive a complaint can't go inside someone's unless they are let in, otherwise they have to bring the police.

I think that young women can make perfectly good mothers. Even if they need a little extra support, that doesn't make them bad mothers. I sometimes think I may have been a better mother at 19 or 20 than I am now. I certainly had more energy and was more fun.

luckyathomemom

I might have missed it, but were you on WIC at all? I know when I had my son, (2nd child) at 25 WIC did an in home visit immediately after he was born, to be sure he was breastfeeding alright. I was completely caught off guard by their visit and my house was a MESS but they were very nice, told me my messy house meant my daughter was playing and having fun and not to worry.

I'm so sorry your experience wasn't the same, no body should be made to feel insecure about their parenting, like we don't all have enough guilt over our parenting decisions every day. I would look into it with that specific hospital and think about filing a complaint of some sort, you should not have to fear losing your children, that's just not fair.

lawschoolmommy

1. I think it *is* normal to have to pee in a cup at every visit.

2. I spent 3 years working in child abuse prevention alongside child protective services. 19 is pretty typical for what comes across their desk. "Young" to them is under 16. "REALLY young" is under 14. I don't think you should fear CPS looking down at you for being 19. Plus the fact that you were married and you were both employed? You have nothing to worry about.

As for the hospital, I'd ask to see that policy. I'm not sure it's legal.

ETA: There may be *some* truth to them saying its standard practice to have a social worker talk to you, but the social worker should have the goal of educating you and it should be nothing to do with whether or not you are a fit mom. When I had my son, I was 25, was working AS a social worker in child abuse prevention, and taught parent education. And someone still had to come in and "educate" me on SIDS and shaken baby syndrome. It was something that had to check off their list before they'd discharge me. We also had to go to a "baby care" class taught by one of the nurses before they'd discharge us. They taught these in groups and they went over bathing techniques, how to hold the baby, car seat safety, etc. Again, stuff that I not only already knew, but that I taught to parents on a regular basis as part of my job.

Emmie

I'll tell you the same thing that I told my brother. His kids are on state insurance. When they get injured and taken to the ER, he is always grilled as if he were an abusive father. I think that it takes a lot of looking, and digging for medical professionals to find abuse and neglect. It can be overlooked so easily. It doesn't feel good for the person being looked at, but if it can save one little one who is being abused or will be neglected, it is worth it.

Each doctor and hospital has different rules. One of my kids was born at a hospital where they wouldn't let the baby leave the hospital until they inspected the car seat. One required all new Mom's to attend a class on birth control before they went home.

I'm sorry that you felt uncomfortable, but hopefully some other family was helped by that intervention.

Edited to add...I started out as a young Mom, just past my 21st birthday. Ended up as an old Mom...I think I get more looks now than I did when I was younger!

Charlotte_Sometimes

@missmama5 --

My experiences were a lot like yours.   My son was born via emergency c-section and in the NICU. After he was more stable they let me room in with him and he just had to go back to the NICU for antibiotics via the IV however many times a day.   After that, they wanted him there a few more days and I was still recovering so we were in a room together but he was with me all the time, and I remember trying to get someone to let me take him to the nursery (the had the well baby nursery) so I could shower and they refused.

The reason I was given? "You had better learn how to handle a baby on your own since you have no husband!"

When I was pregnant, at one of my early pre-natal visits, I asked the nurse practitioner a question about my due date, and she replied with "Let me guess, we're trying to figure out who the father is, aren't we?"

When my son was 4 months old and had nursing difficulties, they labeled him "Failure to Thrive" and pretty much forced me to wean him (long story). When he was beginning to learn to crawl, and doing that hands and knees rocking thing, he fell forward and smacked his forehead and got a little bruise. That same week he had a well baby checkup due, and the doctor insinuated that his bruise was "not normal" and was very accusatory. I asked her if she even had any children, and she admitted she didn't. I asked her how stupid would I be, if I had caused the bruise, to bring him for a WBC? Why not just re-schedule the appointment? Duh. She had no choice but to agree.

Most of my experiences took place within the military hospital system where I saw a different provider for each prenatal visit and couldn't even get a regular doc or NP for my baby after he was born. It was always a different person, no way to build up a relationship.    But overall, being a young and unmarried mom sucked. I even went so far as to buy a cheap fake gold wedding band to wear to get people to ease up.

All of this plus my family trying to talk me into giving him up for adoption before he was born, and then treating me like the whore of babylon after he arrived -- the ADORED him but refused to help me at all because I'd "made my bed"... and then the issue of being socially snubbed by other (older, married) moms... well I am amazed at how I got through his first year without a complete breakdown.

Okay, one more thing I want to say.....invading your privacy and violating your rights when there is no reason to suspect neglect or abuse, just on the off chance that it may help some child at some point, is not somewhere we need to go as a society.   It's wrong on so many levels and I don't want to think about where that kind of justification could lead. Focus on the cases of actual endangerment, neglect, and abuse, heaven knows there are so many kids out there that really need help, and stop screwing around with the "maybes" and profiling just because people are young or poor or whatever.

scarle

I know exactly what you mean! I am 24 now and had my first when I was 19. Luckily I have two boys now so they can play with each other but I feel judged and different when I'm around older moms. I would love to take them to playdates and get to know other sahm but I feel so out of place. I worked in a childcare center and I saw many different moms of all ages. I felt like I was a better and more involved mom than most of the judgmental snooty ones. Bottom line is that anyone can be a good or bad mom. Age doesn't matter.

Ms_JAQ

Here in Australia our healthcare system is totally different. Only rich women with private heath insurance or those with risky pregnancies have a OB/gyno. Everyone else goes to their normal doctor or the free clinic at the hospital staffed by nurses and midwives. I had a couple of different blood tests but I never had my pee tested my whole pregnancy, it must not be something they do here. Regardless of wether you give birth in a public or private hospital you can usuaslly only stay for a max of 10 days. But if you have a normal pregnancy with no complications they usually kick you out after 2-3 days and then you get a couple of home visits by a midwife who checks yours and the babies health, helps with breastfeeding issues and answers any questions. If they have any concerns then you get monitored more regularly for an extended period. Also it's standard practise for everyone to be screened for pre and post natal depression as well as any other issues such as domestic violence that might put mum or bub at risk regardless of age. Although just being under 25 automatically puts you in the 'at risk' catergory. I was 24 and a half and married when I had my DD so they just asked me a couple extra screening questions and then ticked the 'normal' box. Compliance with screening, vaccinations, health checks etc are tied to the government payments everyone gets when you have a baby so it's generally in your best interest to just go along with it.

GirdyOlee

In 2009, we had Allie, my middle kid, and they sent someone over to check on me and the baby. I thought it was weird, but they explained it was just policy to make sure new moms are doing ok, don't have PPD, and to offer suggestions for help if there were any concerns. They even weighed her while they were at my house.

I was 30 at that time, so not a young mom. I also wasn't a NEW mom, but this was a different hospital, so I didn't stress about it. With all three I had to pee in a cup at every appointment, so that's not unusual.

episcopal

I would consult an attorney. At the very least you could get some answers as to why this is going on. I've never heard of such a thing. This needs to be looked into. Sorry you're having to deal with this. You shouldn't have to.

hallfamily727

@GisleyandHank and other young moms, the discrimination is there. Ask to see a copy of your child's birth/hospital record. Many babies born to young moms are drug tested without even asking as a precaution at the hospitals here. My friend had her son at 17 and just discovered it last year when she got a copy of his records. I was a lab tech for a while and helped run tests on other babies, but didn't learn til later that the moms didn't know. I'm sorry that happened to you.

NorthernMommy

I had DS2 at 27, peed in a cup on every pre-natal visit to check for proteins, sugars, etc...damn cup forced me to go for the diabetes nasty orange drink multiple times (sugars read high almost evey visit, yet no sign of gestational diabetes).

We had a home visit 1 day after we got home from the hospital, mainly to make sure that we were coping okay with a newborn and that DS had started to latch properly for BF'ing. The nurse was awesome, and then came back a week later to make sure that life was good. It was the follow up appointment that is standard here in the north. We also got an extra couple of days at the hospital, because DS was born on a Thursday, and we would have been released on Saturday. However, doctor recommended that, if we didn't have a reason to be home, to hang out at the hospital (mild jaundice in DS) and then we would have less time to be home without the home visit.

momofeveryone

my gf had her baby at 22 in a catholic hospital. she was white, the babies dad was black. they were not married. it was like an itterigation with her from the time she got to the hospital till she left. she had to have an unnessicarryy emergency c-section so she was put under. her babies father couldnt be in the room then. she was harrased by RNs, aids, and Drs and clergy. i still cant blieve the bs.

so yeah, nothing suprises me anymore. drug test new young moms? sure! whos gonna argue? CPS can just threaten to take the kid!

Sassymom78

How is it that they have time to send a social worker out to check on a child with no risk factors, but the children that are getting abused don't get the time of day!

forkinthehead

I went through this myself. I was 18 when I had my daughter, married and this was in 1982. I was concerned and confused at the time why we had a home visit. I get it now. Though the visit made me feel like I was too young to be trusted to be a good mother.