Just one guy's perspective - but 14 weeks seems a little early for the husband to be getting pissy. That said, I've gone through something similar in my marriage. When the no-sex because of pregnancy became no-sex because the infant doesn't sleep became the no-sex because the toddler doesn't sleep became the no-sex because the house is always a mess became the no-sex because I'm too tired from all of the other stuff I volunteer to do throughout the day became the no-sex during the day because I don't like what my body looks like during the day; I guess I started getting progressively more bitter and progressively more convinced I was getting excuses rather than reasons. (And by "no-sex," I really mean more like once a month.)

Here's the odd part - I was resentful, but just lived with it and was pretty easy to get along with until something changed when our kids were in elementary school. After a particularly bad dry spell, we went through a period where we were doing it 2-3 times per week. *That's* when I turned into a head case; suddenly very afraid that things would go back to once a month.

Anyway, the good part about that was I finally got around to talking to my wife about how I felt. I didn't want to hurt her feelings and I've been told that talking about wanting sex means you're not going to get sex. (Despite, on the other hand, being told to communicate.) The sex is important and I'd be sad if it went away, but I think the resentment built from a feeling that I, as a person, wasn't a priority - I was merely a valuable resource in her child raising and home financing endeavors.

When the kids' well-being took priority, that was understandable; but I think I snapped a little when the kids became less dependent and, rather than me becoming more of a priority again, that extra time was taken up by more voluntary activities (landscaping, for example). But, after talking about it and with the kids being less dependent and with me trying to make her concerns more of a priority for me, I think things have gotten better with the sex.

So, I think it's a balance that involves figuring out how much time/energy you actually have; how much your DH regards sex as an expression of you valuing him as an individual; and a proper line drawing for your DH between a justifiable desire to be loved as an individual on the one hand and being a needy, self-centered whiner on the other.

@SomeDude, thanks for the male input!! I really appreciate it! And here's tagging @episcopal, @FoulMouthedSailor, @sisyphus, and @SAHDad (I know there are more, they're just not coming to me!)

I feel like I've always been pretty attentive to his libido. I mean, I don't think I felt like having sex every day for about 10 years, but I know that he thinks about it every day, so I try to find a happy medium. I am very "touched out" by the end of the day, and I think that's a big part of it. By the time the kids go to bed, I've kissed 10 booboos, given a thousand hugs and kisses, and had a baby or 3 y/o in my lap/arms for at least a couple of hours. So personal space becomes important. And while I try not to be standoffish with DH, I'm sure that's how I come across sometimes. I hate it, but I'm not sure how to get past it. And I really just want him to understand so I don't have this guilt with me all the time that I can't get rid of!

I am 19 weeks pp today.  I still have very little sex drive.

My sex life was so active before pregnancy...during pregnancy it went to zero... and now I really have to work at it.  We used to have sex at least once a day during the week, and several times a day on the weekends.  But now we are down to maybe 3 times a week.

I actually talked to my Dr. about it. He told me this is completely normal and to give myself some time, but did prescribe an estrogen cream to apply to my area to make sex more comfortable and offered some advice: the more you "do it" the quicker the drive comes back.  Neither the cream nor the increased activity has really worked that much.  But I'm trying!

The mood thing was an ego-crusher for me. DW generally seemed to be enjoying herself when and if we did get going. So I don't think it was painful or actively unpleasant for her -- which would have been another story entirely.

What I noticed as the kids got older was all of the not terribly fun things she could and did get herself up for -- I'd see her initiate a new gardening project, for example. The payoff is good, but weeding isn't the most fun thing ever. The take away for me was that she's rather be weeding a garden than having sex with me. "What's so wrong with me that having sex is less important and/or more unpleasant than [insert activity]?"

Not entirely a fair comparison - but when you're talking about relationships, sex, and egos; rationality kind of goes out a window. On the other hand, I don't have any great solutions. If you don't wanna, you don't wanna. And, for me, what I really wanted wasn't so much sex as for my wife to *want* to have sex with me. Even if we weren't having sex, when she took time to show me I was a priority and she still thought I was pretty cool, that really took the edge off not having sex. That said, if you're just 14 weeks out from a newborn, I don't know that there is realistically time or energy available for tending to his bruised ego.

@grits - the cream helped a little, but not a lot.  I need more lube now than I ever did before.  I think the soreness will just gradually go away - 14 weeks is not long enough to bounce back from delivery IMO.  I have noticed an improvement over the last couple weeks.

Here is thing about pushing yourself to have more sex - it usually lasts only, what, 10 maybe 15 min from start to finish??  Even if you get a few minutes in and you absolutely have to stop bc it's too uncomfortable (I have had to stop  few times depending on position) it is still not this huge event that has to ruin your night if it doesn't go as planned.  This may sound cold (sorry @somedude) but sometimes just going through the motion can alleviate so much "drama".  What I mean is that, for me, I love DH and want him to be happy....I just can't seem to get "into" anymore.  However, if I just "suck it up and take one for the team" (literally!) it really seems to make DH so much happier and I don't have him hanging on me every where I go asking if we can "go upstairs for a while". 

In summary...the 15 minutes of "sacrifice" is worth the hours of peace.  And eventually my drive will come back.  I hope.

 

@blkrosemomma, it doesn't have to be sex, and alot of the time, I just fix him up with a bj or a handjob, but sometimes that's not enough.

@beachmommy, I actually am guilty of that. Last night (Father's Day) I felt like he deserved it, and I wanted him to realize how much I love and value him, so we had sex. Honestly, once we get into it, it's great, but right now, I have so much trouble just getting to the point where I can let him touch me. It's crazy because I'm still wildly attracted to him! He's so hot to me, and I do anything and everything I can to show him that outside of sex.

@SomeDude, that's my train of thought exactly. To me, sex is icing on the cake. The rest of life is so hectic and all-consuming right now that I am just glad to have a partner in life that is there for me when things are tough, and they have been here lately.

When we talked (very briefly) about it last night, he said that because he's out of work and home with the kids all the time, never plays ball or works out anymore, that he needs a release. I totally understand, but on the other side of that coin, I kind of feel like a bit of a cum dumpster, ya know? He's married, so he can't just go pick up some strange when he feels like it, so he has to wait on me. But if he waits on me, in his mind it will never happen. I think that's a bit of an exaggeration, but I definitely wouldn't be on it 5+ days a week. I guess we have to find a happy medium, but I have no idea where to start.

@SomeDude, if DH had to wait a month to have sex, his head would explode (possibly both of them)!

I do try to initiate, or at least send the signals that I'm feeling a little frisky when the mood strikes. I guess it does depend entirely on the person. When I mention that there are couples that only have sex a few times a month, DH says "fuck them, this is me!!"
/:)

Well, alrighty then! I guess it didn't help for me to point out that we have sex a lot more than a majority of couples our age.

Does anyone know of any federal (read:nationally available) programs that offer free or low-cost counseling for couples? Religious counseling is out of the question. If anyone relates religion to our sex life, DH will be out of there in a second.

Well, in my household it is me who wants it all the time and not DB. 

every time i've taken one for the team i was so resentful afterward it made things a lot worse. i think he's being a selfish baby, he needs to understand and get the fuck over it and leave u alone for awhile. after being bugged about it for days i finally just flip the fuck out lol but @SomeDude is right, i can see how it could be confusing to always be told to communicate ur feelings but u can't comunicate that u want sex. i think the difference is, we know they want sex. we don't need to be reminded of that. if he's really feeling neglected or like u don't find him attractive, yes that's something to discuss but don't constantly ask and bitch about it, making her feel like a piece of meat is not going to help matters.

I'm sorry but...and I'm probably going to get lynched for this...but I disagree with @shadylane. WHILE I DO THINK YOU GET A PASS BECAUSE OF THE LITTLE ONE,I don't think it's ok to tell ur man to communicate then rip his head off when he communicates something you don't want to hear because you already know. It's a valid need on his part. Let's switch the need for a second...we all know our SO loves us but if they stopped showing that affection and demonstrating that emotion however that may be (because that is different for each person in each relationship) and we communicated that to them and they reacted in a negative or rejecting way how well would that go over? they already know us women need that stuff...?
I'm not saying you have to cater to his every whim every time or drop what your doing and strip naked and hop in bed every time he asks but he does have needs too, and shouldn't those be met too?
I get the new baby takes A LOT of time and energy

Yep that's what I'm getting at, yes sex is important but its not that important. If he wants his needs met he should make sure hers are being met too. And I kind of disagree that that need is valid, yes everyone has sexual needs which are also emotional but I doubt that him getting pissy b/c of less than several times a week, is really emotional. He gets pissed b/c he wants some ass and acts like a child, its not something deeper. Yes it hurts his ego but it all comes down to he wants to get laid and he expects u to put out. Why can't he take care of it himself? Ur giving it up 2 or 3 times a week with a new baby, what does he expect? Ur still showing him affection in other ways, its not like u turned totally cold towards him, u just don't feel like giving it up every fucking day. He needs to grow up and get over it, acting like that cause he didn't get any is ridiculous. Relationships are about more than sex, and if it really is emotional for him then he needs to figure out what he can do to make things easier for u so u might actually feel like it.

I will probably get a lot of flack for this, but here is my opinion:

I think sex is very different for men and women.  Yes, in a "healthy" married relationship there are emotions tied to the act for both partners... but the reality is that it is much more of a physical need for men.  Most men are very basic in their needs: they need to be fed, they need to shit, and they need to cum.  I know it sounds crass, but I think for many men it is as simple as that (not ALL men, just many).

@grits - you mentioned how in the beginning and even into your marriage (pre-baby) you had a very active sex life.  So did I.  My DH wasn't the one who changed - it was me.  For a very good reason my sex drive diminished- my DS is worth a million nights of passion!!  My DH is very attracted to me and he knows that part of my "diminishment" is due to me not feeling very "sexy" and bc I am a sleep-deprived working mommy who's priorities have shifted quite a bit from when we first met.  He knows this and understands this.... but he still wants to cum.  And he wants to cum with ME.  It is his way of connecting with me in a way that noone else can.

That brings me back to what I said about "taking one for the team".  Sex is important to him.  It isn't as important to me right now.  But it is important to me that DH remains happy in this relationship. So for 15 minutes every other night or so, I can put on my happy face and give that to him.  I can also throw together a dinner for him and make sure there is toilet paper in the bathroom.  What do I get in return? DH does so many things, I really don't know where to start.  He has readjusted his work schedule to come home early every day to relieve the nanny so that I can work.  He goes grocery shopping, does the laundry, the yardwork, cleans the house, picks up dry cleaning, goes to every Dr. appt with me and more and more. 

And someday my drive will come back. I know it will.

@ grits I wasn't speaking necessarily to your problem, it was just putting out there that women (and I am not perfect I have done it before as well) preach for our guys communicate, then if its something we already know we yell at them. I just think its an unfair double standard, because in most cases, like i was trying to say before, it would be no bueno for anyone involved if the situation was reversed. I was just trying to show the other side of the argument.