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A delima In laws and religion
  • mericksmom
    Posts: 388Member

    Sorry it is long it is my first discussion. 

    I guess I will start with the beginning.  My Dh's family is religious and mine isnt so much so. I was not raised in the church and DH was there 3-4 days a week.  SIL married a pastor who is a son of a pastor and MIL converted her side into Christianity.  Dh could care less about religion but it is a taboo topic for us due to I will poke fun of it due to some members of different religions giving it a bad name with me.  As for me DM was raised with a brimstone and fire Christian church and DF was a Catholic until it was okay for his step fathers to beat the crap outta him and my grandmother and it was okay in the church.   My parents have always pushed for morals and taught us to love others and as teens we were allowed to visit churches with friends.  Sadly there was always that one old couple who judged you out loud about not belonging there or the mother or grandmother who disliked you because you didnt go to their church forever among other little bit of horrid events.

    In the last month things with my in laws have been rough and religion has been pushed hard on us.

    Fist thing is my MIL basically asked if we can have my son baptized. I dont have an issue with this but DS is 8 and other than random visit to MIL and MIL church he doesn't have a lot comprehension ( IDK if that is even the right word) IMO I would want him to UNDERSTAND full on what he is getting involved in. As it was explained to me is you have God in your heart and basically it is to make you a better member of said religion and church (I can be wrong and sorry if the wording is off)  She has continued to push on the subject and I dont know how to tell her that I think it is an important milestone and family needs to be there as well as my son isnt fluent enough to really say yes to any religion...

    Second thing is my SIL basically called me out on FB.  She said that If I accepted HIM in my heart that things will happen for us. I was insulted, still am. She doesn't talk to me and normally I let it slide because she has 6 children and trying for more and homeschooling them all.   I was taught love and to love family.  My family is tight, my grand mothers even hang out with each other, my uncles from both sides, to me this is normal.  Dh's family has been a challenge for me since I have never felt accepted by MIL or SIL and for what ever the reason I am looking for the connection that my family has always had.   I want to know, should I keep trying to be friends with someone who has pushed me aside for 10 years or should I keep trying hoping eventually they will change their minds about me????
  • MegsueMegsue
    Posts: 1,848Member
    I wouldn't bother. Honestly it sounds as if they are brainwashed to the point where they can't act normal anymore. I have no problem with people who are religious, I have a HUGE problem with people who tell me how to think, feel, and what to believe. If they can't accept you for who you are...Well, I'd just kindly remind them how un-Christian that is. I had to do that with DH's father and step-mother. I wasn't as nice as I should have been, and I regret that. But I did get my point across and they did get their nose out of my life.
  • nessamommynessamommy
    Posts: 671Member
    I wouldn't keep trying to get their approval, especially if it means compromising your beliefs as to what baptism is exactly. I just quit trying with certain people in my dh's family. They don't like me, I don't like them. I'm civil to them, but I will no longer go out of my way to "please" them. The same goes for my family. Families should just accept, not judge.
    If life gives you lemons, squirt lemon juice in life's eye!
  • Charlotte_SometimesCharlotte_Sometimes
    Posts: 1,756Member
    I would personally NOT want my son being baptized in those circumstances.  But that's me.  I was raised to think for myself.  My mother was very active in church growing up and she shared her beliefs with me but without pushing.  I was encouraged to explore and question.  I was considering Catholicism for a while as a kid because my friends were Catholic and i went to church with them a lot and she was supportive of that too.  Then I changed my mind after I asked some hard questions about religion and I was just told to stop questioning and to "have faith".  That pretty much ended my religious beliefs, honestly, and I was 13 or so.

    My DS14 went through some stages of being very interested in religion, around age 7, 8, 9.  He was hanging out a lot with my Aunt & Uncle who are Mormon.  I let him explore and question, bought him some children's Bible story books even, but always encouraged him to think and question.  He decided it wasn't for him.  He went through a Wiccan phase too.  Ok by me.   But had my Aunt & Uncle tried to have him baptized that would have been where I'd draw the line.  That's taking it a bit too far IMO when it isn't your kid.

    My mother, because of her upbringing, once asked me how I was teaching my kids right and wrong without religion and I was amused.  I told her they knew right from wrong and knew the "Golden Rule" without having to be afraid of some punishment in hell or "God watching you" and I felt like it was better that they behaved well for those reasons vs. some all-powerful fear based thing!

    And I would stop worrying about trying to get people to accept you, family or not.  Sometimes it's a big relief to just let it go.  I have family that will never "get" me and the only thing connecting us is the fact that we are family.  I think family is more about who you know you can count on, vs blood or marriage ties, honestly.
    "But a lesson must be lived
    In order to be learned"

    Ani DiFranco, Manhole
  • MistressHeidiMistressHeidi
    Posts: 973Member
    I wouldn't worry too much about having his family accept you. My xh family was kind of 50/50, half of them accepted me, half of them didn't. For a long time I wanted to be accepted so badly. I have a small family, and my xh family was huge, I loved the idea of having big family get togethers and things.All I ended up doing was feeling bad about myself.

    I'm not a a very religious person myself, my family allowed me to explore religion at my own pace growing up. I've attended a ton of churches of all types of faiths with my friends growing up, none of them clicked with me. I like the idea of religion, I believe in loving others, being a good person and honest person, I believe in a higher power and have faith. Organized religion repels me for a multitude of reasons. I have no problem with others going to church and being a part of it, I have a problem with people trying to force their beliefs on me. I don't feel like you can force belief. You either believe or you don't. It's that simple. Personally I wouldn't let them bully me into having my child baptized.

    And welcome!!!
  • mericksmom
    Posts: 388Member
    Thanks Everyone!  You are telling me the same thing my mother did.   I am now gonna put my foot down and not worry about pleasing them.  DMIL has taken 10 years to finally open up a little to me (after living with her for 1 year).  His family isnt really and open bunch, they hide a lot of their feelings deep inside.  I honestly thing DH has issues stemming from this as well as being the "bad" twin most of his life and not having a father figure.     So sad.
  • Charlotte_SometimesCharlotte_Sometimes
    Posts: 1,756Member
    mericksmom said:

    Thanks Everyone!  You are telling me the same thing my mother did.   I am now gonna put my foot down and not worry about pleasing them.  DMIL has taken 10 years to finally open up a little to me (after living with her for 1 year).  His family isnt really and open bunch, they hide a lot of their feelings deep inside.  I honestly thing DH has issues stemming from this as well as being the "bad" twin most of his life and not having a father figure.     So sad.



    Yes, growing up in that sort of family will screw a person up.  My exH is all kinds of screwed up and his family is very "closed".  They don't talk about negative feelings ever.  Their way of dealing is to pretend everything is peachy.  It gave him all sorts of psychological problems. :(   And he was definitely the "black sheep" brother out of two kids.
    "But a lesson must be lived
    In order to be learned"

    Ani DiFranco, Manhole
  • [Deleted User]
    Posts: 7,022
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    well behaved women seldom make history
  • BellaBefanaBellaBefana
    Posts: 8,137Member
    MammaTeeRoll said:

    what a bitch. your relationship with god is none of her business. and to do it publically is ridiculous. she may have thought she was putting you on the spot, but she looks like an uptight, judgemental, rude moron. tell her she should accept miss manners into her heart. her life will be easier. since when does her relationship with god allow her to bully you into trying to force you to have your child baptised?



    This is right!  It always annoys me when people try to cram religion down someone's throat.  Religion and a relationship with God (or the Universe, or what ever you choose to call it) is very personal and if you're not asking questions, then your in-laws ought not be offering answers.  I doubt you'll ever have the same relationship with them that you do with your family because of them overtly making their religious intentions known.  

    You decide when and if and where you have your children introduced to religion, not someone else.
    Bite me, cupcake!
  • mericksmom
    Posts: 388Member
    MIL and SIL are what I call special Christians.  MIL and SIL does mission trips (MIL every yr if not twice ( At the moment she is in Vietnam trying to pass out bibles))  SIL posts bible passage on FB and   her children are named after people from the bible.  It is who they are.  SIL even posted about showing non believers a great Christmas (I think).    MIL tries to keep to herself and SIL likes to get into the middle of things ( SIL once told me I should just give into DH sexual needs. I then questioned her about my needs because DH doesnt have a sex drive.) 

    They are different than what I am used to. MIL changed to be like this
    due to FIL wants but didnt change back after he took off to be with wife
    3, 4, or 5.  MIL is lonely and has thought about getting a boyfriend (Dh
    and I supported this, SIL didnt, so she never went on dates) but I am pretty sure she is still waiting for FIL to come back.  All of them SIL MIL and DH have issues processing emotion and feelings. SIL, IMO, doesnt think about what she is saying, She knows what she is going to say and says it.


    They are upset with the way Dh is living because he should know better, he was raised better.  I am his wife and he should be letting me know HOW we should be LIVING under HIM.  Dh doesn't bother with it for his own reasons.  I think it is because he has many good lesbian friends and that our premarital sex / getting pregnant before marriage gave him a one way ticket to hell ( that might not be the case any more but it was 9 years ago, or so he said)

    I tend to be overly nice, I want to be able to give them what I grew up with.  While I know that I have a skewed perfect vision, I would like my DH and my son to experience it. And I am trying to give excuses for their behavior towards me/DH (she insulted him when she insulted me) and it isnt right because it gives them permission to continue these lines of thinking towards us.
     
  • mericksmom
    Posts: 388Member
    No longer will I play this puppet dance, and no longer will I have Dh talk to his mom about the religious stuff.  (he tend to let her think she is getting her way while NOT doing it due to whatever excuse he can find).
  • lefty63
    Posts: 244Member

    After I delivered my son, my MIL came to the hospital, the first words out of her mouth were "when is the christening?" I said that I'd thought I'd wait until we got out of the hospital. She didn't like it.  She liked it even less when we didn't do it for another 4-5 months.

    As for your situation, I agree with everyone else, you are not going to please them on this issue.  Your SIL is a chicken shit for trying to call you out on FB.

  • [Deleted User]
    Posts: 7,022
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    well behaved women seldom make history
  • momofdbbmomofdbb
    Posts: 9,045Member
    I try not to shove my religion down any ones throat. If you want to know my opinion I will tell you. I think baptism is a personal choise. The person getting baptized should decide. If you are Catholic the parents of the baby should decide. I honesty do not know that much about the Catholic religion. :\">
    " Wibbly wobbly timey wimey ......." The Doctor
    " I'm a leafe on the wind..watch how I soar ." Wash :((
    " Oh the wall had it comming.' Sherlock Holmes
    yea I am geek !!
  • mericksmom
    Posts: 388Member
    @momofdbb   Since I was not raised in either religion, Christianity and Catholicism, I was not introduced to a lot of what I feel are key practices and thus dont feel like either or.  I was raised with morals and my family were allowed to visit churches with friends. But I was raised in the Spanish community so I went to a lot of Communions and a lot of Spanish masses and BIG events like Quiencerias (sp) was done with going to the church to be blessed before the party. So I look towards my husband to lead me, if he wants to go down that road.    I get what you mean, they just assume because of DH that we will down the roads they want.
  • momofdbbmomofdbb
    Posts: 9,045Member
    My husbands grandmother GMIL I guess , lol. Was really pushy about religion. It bugged the snot out of me , we were the same religion , but she was just so hellfire and brimstone. BIL was gay too and that caused all sorts of issues. GMIL was going to get everyone to boycott our wedding because I invited BIL and partner ! I said fine with me , don't come , no skin off my nose ! BILs partner decided not to come he didn't want to cause a fit. BIL is now married to a woman and has twins ! I love my SIL , but I supported him when he was with the guy. It gets compicated. Of course new SIL didn't get off easy either they wantedher to convert from the religion she was raised in ( Juedaism is that spelled right) to their religion. ( Southern Baptist )
    I just don't see pushing religion on someone helps. I have had several different friends that had different religions than mine and we got along fine. Wiccan, Jewish , Catholic , Muslim , Hindi and Russian Orthadox. We didn't argue religion , now my Muslim friend and I had many talks about it but we ended up agreeing to disagee on a few things , lol. We did agree that Mecca , at least what you could see in the few pictures we had was beautiful and we both wanted him to get the chance to go on his pilgrimage. I would not be allowed in the city limits.
    " Wibbly wobbly timey wimey ......." The Doctor
    " I'm a leafe on the wind..watch how I soar ." Wash :((
    " Oh the wall had it comming.' Sherlock Holmes
    yea I am geek !!
  • mericksmom
    Posts: 388Member
    The whole anti gay issue gets me.  I have a gay cousin and my best friends are gay but if MIL or SIL found out then I would not hear the end of it.  Even Dh doesnt talk about his lesbian friends around them.    I never understood the PUSHY nature of it all, my good friends are a little of everything and the great thing about them is that they are okay with you even if you are not apart of their church/religion/culture.  MIL and SIL are ONLY friends with people of their church or sister churches ( I think that is what is called?)  I Love learning new things, new cultures, new religions because I think a lot of the taboo is due to not knowing enough about and letting the imagination run wild or assuming because group B did it that all of group A is the same. 


  • momofdbbmomofdbb
    Posts: 9,045Member
    I think you and I think a lot alike. :D
    " Wibbly wobbly timey wimey ......." The Doctor
    " I'm a leafe on the wind..watch how I soar ." Wash :((
    " Oh the wall had it comming.' Sherlock Holmes
    yea I am geek !!
  • canadamom
    Posts: 867Member
    If you do not want your son to be baptized, then don't allow it.

    You could phrase it that your position is that you want him to make his own choice about religion and that you don't feel he can make an informed choice at 8 years old.  That you didn't want to tie him into any religion at this point - and once he is an adult and investigates religion for himself with an adults reasoning and analytical skills, you will support his choice about the matter.

    The Catholic Church has a Sacrament called Confirmation.  This Sacrament occurs when the child is 12 or 13 and is considered adult enough to make a commitment to the Church. Up until that point, the parents have been making commitments on behalf of the children.  Lots of churches only baptize adults or have a commitment ceremony for adults who were baptized as infants.  So there is no "right" way to solemnize a person's religious convictions.

    Even if you do "jump through all the hoops" there is no guarentee that your child would remain in that faith.  I am Roman Catholic and have had all the Sacraments performed for my children.  I had them Baptized as infants, First Communion, Reconciliation, and Confirmation, sent them to Catholic school AAAND they hate it all. They have refused to go to church for years and won't take communion even at school functions.  Another victory for my ExH who wasn't catholic and turned them against all religion - they refuse to beleive in God.  It breaks my heart that they have no faith despite what I tried to teach them and show them.  I am not a perfect catholic by any means, but my relgion does mean something to me and it hurts that they repute it.  I have a beautiful Baptizmal gown made from materil used for my wedding dress and it hurts that none of my future grandchildren will ever wear it.  So I can somewhat see your MIL's sadness about it, but it is not a decision taht you can force on parents.
  • forkinthehead
    Posts: 480Member
    I would remind your inlaws that they raised their children how they wanted. And that you and your husband are allowed the same right. Irregardless of how they feel. In the end it is not up to them. They need to respect your rights.

  • wonderwomanx3
    Posts: 467Member
    I'm going to apologize for my hijack now because I have so very much to say on the issue. 1st off I was raised catholic but not by my own choice. I wanted to 'fit in'. I was going to a catholic school & everyone was getting ready for their first communion. I hadn't been baptized so I didn't want to be left out. dh also went to catholic school (both of us for 8 yrs). MIL is super religious (catholic) & in her opinion you are either baptized as a catholic or you go to hell. Simple right? :-) When we got married she wanted us to have a big catholic wedding. I didn't & dh said he didn't want to go thru 6 mos of pre canna (sp?). We got out of that. When ds12 was born she kept talking about getting him baptized in the catholic church. I sort of avoided the conversation because I knew there would be an argument. She kept on me. She kept on dh. Somehow he managed to avoid most of it. Now I think he told her to talk to me about it. Gee thanks. Lol anyway when ds12 was several mos old she was at our house & started on me again. Told her it wasn't gonna happen. this was a very important decision & I felt like it was something that ds had to decide on his own. I would support him no matter what but it was ultimately his decision. Then she tried to scare me. She told me that if anything ever happened to him that she was worried for his soul. Nice. So you just came into MY home & told me my baby is going to hell? to this day she has no idea how close she came to being bodily thrown out of my house. The God that I believe in loves ALL His children ... Not just the catholic ones. Plus MIL likes to bash other religions. Any of them since she's an equal opportunity hater. One whole side of my family is baptist BTW.i.don't think bashing someone because of their beliefs or lack thereof is very Christ-like. Sorry told you I was gonna hijack. I've got even more to say but I'll shut up now. I would quit trying to please them tho. You've done all you can. Enjoy the family that you & your dh have created.
  • mericksmom
    Posts: 388Member
    @wonderwomanx3  You didn't hijack at all.  Thank you for coming out and letting me know... I feel the same way about God, he loves all of us.  Sadly I am very complex on what I believe in so I dont think I fit in just one religion.
  • canadamom
    Posts: 867Member
    Don't worry guys - I am not the "only the Catholic Church is the true church" kind of catholic.  My paternal grandmother was actually Baptist.  

    Do I beleive in infant Baptism - yes and it took 5 long months to convince my exH that I was dead serious about my DD being baptized.  Now I know that if she had passed before then, God would not have turned her away, but I was raised that infants were baptized within a month or so. So I was anxious and nervous on some levels until she was Baptized. Intellectually I knew one thing, but my heart had quite a different take on the matter.  Being pregnant and having a baby, sort of caused a surge in my feelings of being connected to my faith and wanting to participate in my religion.

    I would never push those feelings about Baptism on another set of parents, though.  So don't have him baptized if you don't want to.  God will know his heart whether he has had some water sprinkled on him or not, and like I said before, some sects think that only adults have the reasoning level to make the life-long commitment to a certain religion.

    If you phrase it more about choice and less "against" her and her faith, she might take it easier.
  • wonderwomanx3
    Posts: 467Member
    @canadamom tried that & I was unsuccessful. Also I don't want you to feel like I was insinuating you (or anyone else on this board) was some kind of fanatic. Nothing could be further from the truth. Actually I enjoy talking to other ppl about their religion. I like to listen to their POV. As long as they don't shove it down my throat. Honestly i'm happy for ppl who have a religious 'home'. If it gives you comfort I say go for it. However so so many ppl take it to the extreme. MIL told me some time ago that she sought counseling from her priest many yrs ago about FIL. When dh & his bro were little kids FIL ran around on her, hit her, & gambled away more than one paycheck at the racetrack. when the priest heard her story HE told her to leave. Why didn't she? She's old school & she was taught that if you get a divorce you are out of the church. To her that was worse than death. When you let religion stand in the way of your happiness then there's a definite problem. And how could you be happy with an abusive cheater? It also bothers me that she bashes ppl of other religions. I don't want my kids to hear that nonsense. Just because someone has different viewpoint doesn't make them wrong or bad.
  • canadamom
    Posts: 867Member
    @wonderwomanx3 - There are intolerant and hypocritical people in every religion but somehow it really gets some people's goat when the catholic faith is involved.

    And when it gets down to it - We all are worshipping the same guy/force/presence no matter what our "rules" are or what we call him - God, Allah, Jehovah, Budda etc.

    Fundamentalists in every religion are causing more problems in the world than anything else.
  • Live4PeaceLive4Peace
    Posts: 320Member

    I agree that it is your child's decision (and next in line is the parents).  I would hope the grandparents would get over it eventually and stop harrassing you.  It's hard for them to stop when they think they are doing god's will and all, but maybe ask them if it's god's will to pressure someone into something before having an understanding of it. You as the parent can decide if you feel they are ready to make that decision or not until they are out of your care (18). MIL&SIL are gonna have to live with it unless you want them to have that type of control over your life.  I know it's hard. My mother was upset I didn't baptize ds8 last year, so I know it's hard not to just make them happy.  I thought of doing it just to make them happy since I don't believe baptism is necessary and they do.  I think it is a symbolic thing. I do not think babies will go to hell. I feel it doesn't save anyone, but just is there for a person to make an open commitment to god.


    Religion should be an intimate personal choice, not done just because it's a tradition passed down.  I whole heartedly agree with @Sometimes_Charlotte that you don't need relgion to know what is good and evil. Common Sense is the "spirit of god" inside each one of us.  I don't need the bible telling me not to kill people or to treat others fair. (Although it is ironic that the bible justifies murder and slavery and all kinds of "sin"...)  hmmmm

    I'm always misunderstood because the written word is the worst form of communication...you can't see me smiling =-)
  • wonderwomanx3
    Posts: 467Member
    @canadamom - absolutely. Kind of a few rotten apples spoils the whole bunch kind of thing.
  • [Deleted User]
    Posts: 7,022
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    well behaved women seldom make history
  • nonamejustmommy
    Posts: 162Member
    I was raised Southern Baptist... I grew up and had a ton of questions that they didn't like me asking or have an answer too. So when I found Paganism/Wicca it felt right. My mom is a Christian and asked if I was putting DS6 in VBS. I said no and she chewed my ass out. I let her rant but I am not going to talk to her about religion any more. I have explained to her more than once how and what I believe and she always "forgets" when she decides to attack me.  Sadly it's not much different than what she believes.  I am sorry your inlaws are dicks about religion. I would put my foot down too and make it an off limits topic. HUGS 
    Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass....It's about learning to dance in the rain.

    Bide within the Law you must, in perfect Love and perfect Trust.
    Live you must and let to live, fairly take and fairly give.

    These Eight words the Rede fulfill:

    "An Ye Harm None, Do What Ye Will"
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