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making a deal with dh
  • CalliopemarieCalliopemarie
    Posts: 4,467Member
    ok so something has been bothering me. I want to know if my dh is the only one who if he doesn't want something but I do in order for me to get it I have to make a deal with him. always some type of sexual thing. like a couple years ago I wanted a cat and he said not unless I agreed to a weeks worth of blow jobs. does anyone else's Guy do stuff like that? I freaking hate it.
    i am insane!!! mwahahahaha
  • unforgivenunforgiven
    Posts: 12,715Confessional Manager
    Sexual blackmail? I would hate it too. I'm sorry. :( I'm sure you're not alone. 

    confessional-manager

    "What looks like torture is a time to rejoice
    What sounds like thunder is a comforting voice
    When what is beautiful looks broken and crushed
    And I say I don't know you
    But you say it's finished"
  • beachmommybeachmommy
    Posts: 2,664Member
    He trades me a bj for going and getting me ice cream alot.  It's totally worth it.
    My beach is still Sandy....
  • CalliopemarieCalliopemarie
    Posts: 4,467Member
    lol yeah the whole bj for a week thing never happened. but the point is he does it and its annoying as hell
    i am insane!!! mwahahahaha
  • LilbitLilbit
    Posts: 1,581Member
    My ex use to do that and at first I had no problem with it but after I while I really resented him and i started to look at sex as a chore
  • LoveLove
    Posts: 12,843Administrator, Moderator
    My Xh used to do that..

    Hey honey, Des wants to have a girls night. D'you care if I go with her?
    Hmmmm... what's it worth to you?


    community-manager


  • episcopal
    Posts: 1,481Member
    I'm sure I've done it, but never been quite so explicit!  I'm sure all of us guys have done something like this at one time or another.
  • CalliopemarieCalliopemarie
    Posts: 4,467Member
    unfortunately he's serious. he is still mad I didn't do the week for the cat doesn't help I never want sex anymore.
    i am insane!!! mwahahahaha
  • unforgivenunforgiven
    Posts: 12,715Confessional Manager
    @calliopemarie You gotta tell him how this makes you feel. When both are ok with it and find fun in it it's fine.. but when it affects your sex life for the worse and you start to resent him for it that's not ok. 

    confessional-manager

    "What looks like torture is a time to rejoice
    What sounds like thunder is a comforting voice
    When what is beautiful looks broken and crushed
    And I say I don't know you
    But you say it's finished"
  • CalliopemarieCalliopemarie
    Posts: 4,467Member
    @madmen to be honest my dh is obsessed with sex. he has to get off every day and its a constant battle with him about appropriate touching in front of the kids. he gets upset that I don't want sex but I feel like he's just another kid to take care of kwim? we have been together for 12 years.
    i am insane!!! mwahahahaha
  • beachmommybeachmommy
    Posts: 2,664Member
    I agree with @unforgiven.  DH does it and I find it funny... If it's not funny to you, it needs to stop.
    My beach is still Sandy....
  • CalliopemarieCalliopemarie
    Posts: 4,467Member
    @unforgiven its not just the whole deal thing that affects it. I've told him that I am not interested in sex and he just doesn't get it. he doesn't get that being a mom to for kids and rarely leaving the house or getting alone time leaves me frazzled.
    i am insane!!! mwahahahaha
  • unforgivenunforgiven
    Posts: 12,715Confessional Manager
    Some men think that their wives owe them sex because they provide for them or do things for them or simply because they are married. This is not ok. It becomes an issue of respect after a certain point. You need to lay it all out on the line for him and make sure he gets the message. Be stern with him. If that doesn't work you guys might benefit from counseling. 

    confessional-manager

    "What looks like torture is a time to rejoice
    What sounds like thunder is a comforting voice
    When what is beautiful looks broken and crushed
    And I say I don't know you
    But you say it's finished"
  • CalliopemarieCalliopemarie
    Posts: 4,467Member
    @madme I understand where you are coming from. I think its highly inappropriate to do it in front of the kids. I've told him that and his therapist has. we have both talked to his therapist and I went by myself the one day to talk to her. man did that end up in a huge fight afterward! he says he's willing to do couple counseling however finding someone to watch the kids is difficult. my mom can't right now as she is taking care of my grandpa and his mother.....well lets just say she has her favorites and my kids aren't it.
    i am insane!!! mwahahahaha
  • CalliopemarieCalliopemarie
    Posts: 4,467Member
    I'm thinking about trying to write him a letter because talking never works. we always end up fighting.
    i am insane!!! mwahahahaha
  • CalliopemarieCalliopemarie
    Posts: 4,467Member
    8 5 3 and 1 @madme
    i am insane!!! mwahahahaha
  • CalliopemarieCalliopemarie
    Posts: 4,467Member
    @madme the ywca does have some programs for kids I've been meaning to look into. I am a horrible procrastinator though so I haven't yet. I am not sure if they are free or not but it is worth checking out.
    i am insane!!! mwahahahaha
  • SomeDude
    Posts: 145Member
    I had it go the other way - I'd ask if she was up for some lovin'. In response, she'd playfully ask for whatever big ticket household item she'd been obsessing over lately. That was all fun and games until I started feeling like I was the only one putting any effort into our sex life. Fair or not, I started feeling like she could only be bothered to care about it if we were spending our money. (It also added to some low level resentment about always having to be the budgetary bad guy in the family.)

    But, I told her that it was starting to bother me; and so she stopped joking like that.
  • SomeDude
    Posts: 145Member
    I also sort of disagree that sex "has to be earned." I think if you make sex in a relationship transactional, your going to have problems. That said, if it was transactional, and I could see a price list first, maybe I could work with it.

    From the perspective of being the higher libido spouse, it's maddening to hear that if you increase your efforts in maintaining the household by an undisclosed amount and if some random thing you don't control doesn't happen to kill the mood, maybe, just maybe, you two can enjoy sex together.
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