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I don't own my child's body
  • regpregp
    Posts: 1,042Member
    FINALLY, someone who agrees with me! lol
    I have never made my kids hug anyone and I don't let people make their kids hug me. If they don't want to, they don't have to. 
    What do you ladies think?


    "I would like you to hug Grandma, but I won't make you do it," I told her recently.
    "I don't have to?" she asked, cuddling up to me at bedtime, confirming the facts to be sure.
    No, she doesn't have to. And just to be clear, there is no passive-aggressive, conditional, manipulative nonsense behind my statement. I mean what I say. She doesn't have to hug or kiss anyone just because I say so, not even me. I will not override my own child's currently strong instincts to back off from touching someone who she chooses not to touch.
    I figure her body is actually hers, not mine.
    It doesn't belong to her parents, preschool teacher, dance teacher or soccer coach. While she must treat people with respect, she doesn't have to offer physical affection to please them. And the earlier she learns ownership of herself and responsibility for her body, the better for her.
    I'm on the Internet Explorer!
  • CrashCrash
    Posts: 8,526Member
    My kids are all really affectionate, so this is not an issue that ever comes up. However, *if* it had been an issue, then definitely no, they would not have to physically touch anyone if it makes them uncomfortable. Just like I don't think a toddler should have to 'share', but that's an entirely different topic, lol.
    See ya in another life, sister!
  • SammieSammie
    Posts: 7,345Administrator, Moderator
    Oh my gosh. I'm the same way!!! In fact, when I was having her speech evaluated, one of the early interventionists asked "Will she give a hug and kiss to others (meaning besides me & DH) when you tell her to?" Umm I don't tell her to do that. We do hug and kiss. We are an affectionate family and she's an affectionate child, but I've never said "Go kiss Grandma" or "Go give your friend a hug" so I'm not sure what she would do in that situation. I realize they have a reason for asking me that question, and I wasn't put out, but it did lead to a discussion with my DH again about how we feel about personal boundaries. I do not feel that kids should be pushed into doing things like this unless it's on their own terms. He agrees. If you don't want to hug your Auntie, I'm not going to keep asking you or push you towards her. That seems to be sending mixed messages, ya know?

    Natalie can be bashful when she firsts enters a room or when family first walks through the door. After she warms up, she's sweet, snuggly and affectionate. It's just on her terms. I expect my child to be friendly and polite, but I don't expect her to show affection in a way that makes her feel forced or uncomfortable.

    community-manager


  • ImWendyImWendy
    Posts: 6,527Member
    Nope. I agree completely. I have made Tripp at least greet my mom when she gets home. After a few times, he now jumps into her arms. All three of mine are pretty affectionate, but of they ever say they don't want to, they wouldn't have to. I also teach them to respect other people's personal space (especially mine. Lol).

    I do think it's important to teach them to show some sort of affection, though. I know a few people who are just generally cool and reserved and unemotional appearing. I know a lot of things are harder for them.
    deus ex machina
  • [Deleted User]
    Posts: 2,528
    I never really thought about this. Both kids are young and I only really ever ask them to hug Grammas and Papaws, which they do without hesitation. If they ever seemed uncomfortable, of course I would never make them do it.
    Get me a damn beer.
  • unforgivenunforgiven
    Posts: 12,715Confessional Manager
    I ask my daughter for kisses all the time. Is that wrong now?

    confessional-manager

    "What looks like torture is a time to rejoice
    What sounds like thunder is a comforting voice
    When what is beautiful looks broken and crushed
    And I say I don't know you
    But you say it's finished"
  • AllOrNothingAllOrNothing
    Posts: 135Member
    Totally agree. If we don't teach them they are in charge of their own bodies,we set them up to be vulnerable. I want my boys to be polite, respectful and affectionate with those they love,but see no reason to force them to kiss dear old great aunt Kate who they've seen once in their lives.
  • SammieSammie
    Posts: 7,345Administrator, Moderator
    Nope. That's not what this is about at all @unforgiven. It's about letting your child make their own boundaries when it comes to showing affection. As in, you would not continue to push them towards someone or repeatedly ask them to hug/kiss someone when it's clear that they are feeling hesitant/shy/uncomfortable.

    community-manager


  • beambeam
    Posts: 1,083Member
    Agreed - I have friends that push their children to kiss me (the typical french cheek greeting thing).... and if I see/sense the child being shy or uneasy, I say "oh that's ok she doesn't have to kiss me" and then I just say hello, come on in. And many times they push again, "go on give her a kiss" and again I say "really that's ok, she doesn't have to kiss me if she doesn't want to" (very awkward moment indeed) - just because we are close friends with the parents doesn't mean their kids have to feel that way (especially shy ones that come around after some time has passed)... so far dd10 months is quite affectionate, she'll reach out and touch peoples' shoulders or sometimes their face as a greeting (very cute) always smile but she doesn't much like kisses (even from papa)... so we will see.
    "Magic things are fond of deceptions.” ― Tom Robbins
  • unforgivenunforgiven
    Posts: 12,715Confessional Manager
    @sammie So it's ok as long as she's ok with it? Like if I ask her to hug her grandma and she does it hesitantly because she is generally a shy girl that is wrong in a sense?

    confessional-manager

    "What looks like torture is a time to rejoice
    What sounds like thunder is a comforting voice
    When what is beautiful looks broken and crushed
    And I say I don't know you
    But you say it's finished"
  • SammieSammie
    Posts: 7,345Administrator, Moderator
    @unforgiven, that would be up to you to decide as her mama and knowing her personality. If it were me, and Nati seemed hesitant...I'd probably let it lie, then she would approach when she felt comfortable doing so. My girl can be shy too, but she is affectionate. Just takes her a bit to warm up in certain situations.

    community-manager


  • meandmy243meandmy243
    Posts: 6,633Member
    I have never forced my kids and when people have said give me a hug or a kiss my so will say yes or no.. I dont like touch form people other bf and kids thought not all the time.. I have nerve issues where touch is painfull..
    mom of wild children
    going to the chapel 7/5/2014
  • unforgivenunforgiven
    Posts: 12,715Confessional Manager
    @sammie that's how Draven is. She will come up to me or her daddy and give us hugs for no reason but it takes her a while to warm up to people. I wouldn't demand she hug/kiss someone if she obviously didn't want to though. 

    confessional-manager

    "What looks like torture is a time to rejoice
    What sounds like thunder is a comforting voice
    When what is beautiful looks broken and crushed
    And I say I don't know you
    But you say it's finished"
  • SammieSammie
    Posts: 7,345Administrator, Moderator
    @unforgiven, that's Natalie too. It's because they are both used to it just being mom & dad. :)

    community-manager


  • unforgivenunforgiven
    Posts: 12,715Confessional Manager
    @sammie exactly. I kind of like her like that, antisocial and what not. It's how I know she won't just go walking off with anybody. lol

    confessional-manager

    "What looks like torture is a time to rejoice
    What sounds like thunder is a comforting voice
    When what is beautiful looks broken and crushed
    And I say I don't know you
    But you say it's finished"
  • irishlassirishlass
    Posts: 6,788Member
    Gradparents and aunts frequently ask for kisses and hugs from benji, but I never encourage or discourage it. If he is hesitant I usually say, 'maybe later' or sometimes I will encourage him to hug them when they have hurt themselves or are feeling genuinely sad. I want him to be loving and at this age physical affection is one of the few ways that can express that.
    "Be who you are and say what you feel. Because those who matter don't mind and those who mind don't matter." - Dr. Seuss
  • chaosmomchaosmom
    Posts: 3,834Member
    My boys are generally over-affectionate. We are constantly working on learning personal boundaries & reading social cues for when someone is uncomfortable. Sometimes I do tell them, give daddy a hug & kiss goodnight. It's because they have it in their brains that if they don't, then they won't have to go to bed! But with other people in general, they are to politely greet them at the very least. Anything else is completely up to them. If someone was trying to force the issue & my kids look uncomfortable (on the rare occasion lol), then I step in and say "Oh you don't want to right now? That's ok" and leave it at that.
  • mericksmom
    Posts: 388Member
    My kiddo is affectionate to begin with.  Only time we tell him to give hugs and kisses is when we are leaving my parents or the inlaws home.  I never tell him to hug  my friends or DH friends, he does though when we are leaving and he like the people we are leaving (only once or twice did he not hug someone). 

    Now when I met SIL the first time, her eldest child was about 1 and she got swatted because she didnt give me a hug and a hello.  To me that was WAY too much,  I was not even her aunt yet so it was not a big deal, DN was an infant and eventually be okay with me some time.
  • Katescrazymom
    Posts: 1,899Member
    Me, too.  I've never made my daughter hug or kiss anyone.  I do tell her to say hello/hi and goodbye, and I may have strayed into manipulation when I tell her that someone who she usually hugs would really like one when she's being moody, but it's up to her.  I'm trying to teach her to respect others, so I show her respect.  Most of the time.  I'm still the boss. 
  • canadamom
    Posts: 867Member
    I actually had to speak to DS14 when he was in kindergarten about being over affectionate to the little girls in his class. The teacher was having difficulty getting him to stop kissing the little girls!!  So we haven't had the "force you to kiss someone issue with him" lol
  • GrainneGrainne
    Posts: 891Member
    It's so important to teach kids they don't have to! If kids are forced and pushed they learn they have to accept physical touch which can lead to them being sexually victimized because they have been taught they can't say no!!!!
  • luckymama
    Posts: 94Member
    I totally agree with this. My kids are taught to greet people politely but don't have to hug anyone they don't want to. I remember being told to hug a certain uncle when I was little and I was so uncomfortable,always got a really gross feeling around him and I still do. I have suspicions he molested his own kids. I think kids should be taught to trust their instincts.
  • momofdbbmomofdbb
    Posts: 9,345Member
    I will ask my kids if they want to go and give hugs to grandparents but if they don't want to I don't force it. I do say if they don't want to hug " can you wave at them?" DD was a hugger !! She hugged everyone. DS said he was out of hugs so no hugs. He has found more and is hugging more often now. He needed lots of hugs this year. DS 4 is a hit an miss hugger. Sometimes he does sometimes he doesn't ! We don't force it , we ask though. Ben likes giving fist bumps now too. Lol
    " Wibbly wobbly timey wimey ......." The Doctor
    " I'm a leafe on the wind..watch how I soar ." Wash :((
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    yea I am geek !!
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