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What do your looks have to do with your parenting skills?
  • HaileysMomHaileysMom
    Posts: 443Member
    My friend has been characterized as a "Goth" for most of her adult life. When she became a mother, she gave up her controversial look to focus on her baby girl. She's a great wife, mother, and friend. I couldn't imagine anyone having anything negative to say about her, but after seeing her Goth look for the first time in a picture yesterday, I can understand the impression people might get from seeing her with her child looking that way. My problem with this is that it isn't fair, yet it still happens anyway. Now she wears oversized t-shirts and black track pants and sneakers. She keeps her hair pulled back and has taken out all her piercings. She seems to have lost who she was before, and I don't think she knows what to wear for who she is now. Any suggestions?
  • ImWendyImWendy
    Posts: 6,561Member
    If she doesn't want to be that girl anymore, hopefully she will evolve into who she does want to be. Personally, I don't think my look defines me as a person at all. I'm not all that fashionable... I'm just me. I wear whatever I like, and sometimes I may look cute, sometimes classic, sometimes sporty... Whatever I feel that day. I don't think your friend should let motherhood define her, either. Maybe these clothes are more a sign of depression than fashion.
    deus ex machina
  • HaileysMomHaileysMom
    Posts: 443Member
    @ImWendy Her mother told her to look normal when her daughter was born. She's not happy with the way she looks now, but her mom threatened to call DHS on her if she didn't change her look.
  • ImWendyImWendy
    Posts: 6,561Member
    Dhs won't take her kids just because she likes to dress goth!! Sounds like she needs to distance herself from her mom!
    deus ex machina
  • Charlotte_SometimesCharlotte_Sometimes
    Posts: 1,756Member
    HaileysMom said:

    @ImWendy Her mother told her to look normal when her daughter was born. She's not happy with the way she looks now, but her mom threatened to call DHS on her if she didn't change her look.



    You think her mom is serious?  I'd be tempted to say "Bring it!" to that one. 

    I never let motherhood determine my look.  My mother tried pressuring me about what "normal mothers" look like blah de blah whatever.  I have mellowed from the "punk rock girl" that I was,  but only because I am lazy and broke, not because of some shift in ideology about how I should or shouldn't look. 
    "But a lesson must be lived
    In order to be learned"

    Ani DiFranco, Manhole
  • LoveLove
    Posts: 12,757Administrator, Moderator
    ImWendy said:

    Dhs won't take her kids just because she likes to dress goth!! Sounds like she needs to distance herself from her mom!



    That.
    And more. That kind of attitude pisses me off to the point that I'm not safe to further comment right now. What utter ignorance!

    community-manager


  • [Deleted User]
    Posts: 7,022
    The user and all related content has been deleted.
    well behaved women seldom make history
  • HaileysMomHaileysMom
    Posts: 443Member
    I admit that I'm kinda a Girly girl. I get up before my dh so that I can go through my hour long morning routine before he gets up for work. I get up early to get ready for the day before Hailey wakes up and takes all my attention. I'm a morning person, so I clean up from supper after we eat. Then I put Hailey to bed and spend time with my dh. I use Hailey's nap time to clean the house. I'm out of energy by bedtime and don't feel like taking a shower by then. I wear bigger clothes and elastic waist shorts, but I also wear skirts and dresses as well, mostly to help me stay cool. But I choose what to wear, not anyone else.
  • LoveLove
    Posts: 12,757Administrator, Moderator
    Spawn is cool like that. He's fascinated by makeup and nail polish. ""Oooooh do dis color, Momma, on uuur eyes! Nononono not DAT one, DIS one!""

    Lol, he runs around with nail polish on, more often than not. Drives my mom nuts. But it aint hurting a thing, and it makes him happy!

    community-manager


  • irishlassirishlass
    Posts: 6,726Member
    I think the ONLY circumstances when it becomes ridiculous are when the mother is busy in the salon getting a spray tan and the child is outside the shop in the rain screaming in its pram. I saw this. I was appalled.

    Other than that? Be who you wanna be and express yourself whatever way you want to! Inless she had huge pointy facial piercings that would hurt the child every time she kissed it, what's the deal??
    "Be who you are and say what you feel. Because those who matter don't mind and those who mind don't matter." - Dr. Seuss
  • MistressHeidiMistressHeidi
    Posts: 973Member
    How a person dresses, the make up they wear, the jewelry or whatever has nothing to do with their parenting skills.

    My dd15 wears all black, dyed her hair jet black, wears dark, thick black eye liner and mascara and no other makeup, she has her nose pierced and three piercings in her lip. Out in public together I hear a lot of "How can some one let their child..." or "If that was my daughter...." or "I would never let my child....." As if my allowing my daughter to dress the way she feels comfortable makes me a bad mom.

    Everyone deserves to be able to express themselves how they want. It doesn't make you a bad parent or a bad person just because you dress a little different from others.
  • ImWendyImWendy
    Posts: 6,561Member
    I let Tripp wear a mohawk (fauxhawk really) to a pediatrician appointment last week and the doctor commended me for letting him!
    deus ex machina
  • Charlotte_SometimesCharlotte_Sometimes
    Posts: 1,756Member
    I pierced my nose way back before it was common to have anything pierced, and I dyed my hair with kool-aid back in the day. 

    My mother would refuse to walk next to me in pubic.  She said it reflected poorly on her to have a daughter who looked "like that".

    And, I've let my kids have free reign with their hair and clothing... and she is horrified by that as well.  Whatever.  I have gotten comments from the general public but it is usually along the lines of "How cool that you let your kids express themselves that way!"  I have heard negative stuff too but not as much.  

    "But a lesson must be lived
    In order to be learned"

    Ani DiFranco, Manhole
  • BeachyBeachy
    Posts: 3,915Member
    I absolutely judge mommies on how they look. Every day. Without question.
    But..... As a former punk, I actually judge the mommies who look like whores. 
     I do think that the chicks who can carry their alternative personas forward while raising children mostly show an open attitude, and a desire to foster in their kids individualistic views.
    But when I see a neo nazi shirt on a mom, I do question her ability to raise an open minded, contributing member to society.
    Searching for my lost shaker of salt.
  • tassiemum
    Posts: 18Member
    When my daughter was a young teenager she went through the shock em stage where she would wear the most outrageous clothing and makeup, ( our town has less than 600 people so judgement was high) but all I said was please don't show anything you wouldn't want to see of mine (ie to short skirt or low cut top) she didn't drink, didn't smoke and a straight a student, if the way she dressed was her only rebellion, YAY! So I don't judge the outer, it's the way Mothers treat their kids that I judge not what they wear,
  • Charlotte_SometimesCharlotte_Sometimes
    Posts: 1,756Member
    JustBeachy said:

    I absolutely judge mommies on how they look. Every day. Without question.
    But..... As a former punk, I actually judge the mommies who look like whores.
    Former punk, I am pretty straight laced now.



    Yeah me too.  I am most likely to make a snide remark to myself, or to DW, about the hoochie look when picking up kids from school.  I mean, I just have a problem with someone retrieving their kindergarten student while looking like they just got off a "date".
    "But a lesson must be lived
    In order to be learned"

    Ani DiFranco, Manhole
  • ChristyJChristyJ
    Posts: 880Member

    I am a plain jane and my hubby has five tattoos.  If people ask, he shows them and I proudly remark how none of them are dedicated to me.  I say be who you are, it is not for me to judge. 

    There is one Mom in town who likes to wear sweater dresses whether it is 100 degrees or 0 and any kid who has met her can tell you she does not wear underwear.  Fine, go free if you want, but make sure kids who do not come up farther than your crotch walk next to you.

    In a city of 500,000 I have seen her on two different occassions and saw everthing both times.  Ugh.

    Imperfect and proud of it.
  • BassmomBassmom
    Posts: 245Member
    I agree with All these ladies. People are gonna judge unfortunately. She should wear what makes her comfortable and happy. As long as she is a good mother, I don't freakin care how she dresses. I have tattoos, I'm sure people have thought shitty thoughts about me. But my kid is well cared for and loved. Fuck em.
  • stevienixxxstevienixxx
    Posts: 106Member
    as a cps worker, if someone made a report because a mom dressed goth i would laugh in their face.
  • shadylaneshadylane
    Posts: 3,037Member
    yeah i don't see how its acceptable to dress like a prostitute but someone that's all covered up but happens to have tattoos and piercings is bad
    ~slim shady~
  • shadylaneshadylane
    Posts: 3,037Member
    yeah its ok to walk around with ur butt cheeks hangng out but god forbid u have a couple tattoos showing. although i have been known to wear some pretty short schoolgirl skirts with combat boots but nothing was hanging out lol
    ~slim shady~
  • ZidashaZidasha
    Posts: 830Member
    Ok so I saw this earlier today and after reading this I had to post it.  It doesn't matter how a parent is dressed, as long as the kids are taken care of and are healthy no one should have any issues.

    image
    "I have a theory that placenta is brain matter I push out, so with each child I get dumber and dumber." ~ Unknown

  • unforgivenunforgiven
    Posts: 12,699Confessional Manager
    My looks have nothing to do with my parenting skills. 

    confessional-manager

    "What looks like torture is a time to rejoice
    What sounds like thunder is a comforting voice
    When what is beautiful looks broken and crushed
    And I say I don't know you
    But you say it's finished"
  • irishlassirishlass
    Posts: 6,726Member
    Can I just say I don't think women should be condemned for looking a little sexy either. When you can see nipple, that's totally inappropriate. Right now, none of my clothes fit me. I'm putting on weight. I'm having to wear skirts, and I only have really really short ones so I wear them with tights. The only good pair of shoes I have is a pair of ankle boots. If I wear a top that is even remotely low cut, I am totally shot dirty looks. No matter if my hair is green or I'm covered in piercings or I look like I've just been on a date, it has fuck all to do with how I parent my child!
    "Be who you are and say what you feel. Because those who matter don't mind and those who mind don't matter." - Dr. Seuss
  • Charlotte_SometimesCharlotte_Sometimes
    Posts: 1,756Member
    Rosie08 said:

    @Zidasha: I know this is totally different but that reminds me of Family Ties, lol. How the parents were liberal hippies and Alex was a young republican. ha ha.



    yeah that's funny, my son used to threaten to be a police officer when he grows up, just to get my goat. ;)  Obviously if he was serious I would support him.  It's just a running joke in this house because I am pretty anti-establishment and everyone knows it.
    "But a lesson must be lived
    In order to be learned"

    Ani DiFranco, Manhole
  • BeachyBeachy
    Posts: 3,915Member
    @irishlass, I think @charlotte_sometimes was referring to a " date" as in when a hooker and her John have a business transaction, that is also referred to as a date.
    And I am not taking about a little cute, or a little sexy. I mean like you belong on the Maury show titled Help! My Mom Dresses Like A Whore! ;)
    Searching for my lost shaker of salt.
  • Charlotte_SometimesCharlotte_Sometimes
    Posts: 1,756Member
    Yes, @JustBeachy  that is exactly what I meant.
    "But a lesson must be lived
    In order to be learned"

    Ani DiFranco, Manhole
  • Charlotte_SometimesCharlotte_Sometimes
    Posts: 1,756Member
    Rosie08 said:

    skatermom said:

    In honor of this thread, I just bought myself another pair of sweat pants. It helped my confidence as the old pair was beginning to wear out in the ass section!? :) Seriously, I need to get out more.



    This is me, lol., except yoga pants.


    I lived in yoga pants until my youngest was at least 8 or 9.  In my defense, it DID start as valid.  I mean, I was actually doing yoga on a regular basis.  And belly dancing too, which lends itself to yoga pants for practice.  Then it just became a super comfy habit.


    "But a lesson must be lived
    In order to be learned"

    Ani DiFranco, Manhole
  • irishlassirishlass
    Posts: 6,726Member
    LOL okay guys, thanks for clarifying! Today I found a tshirt that 'fits'. Its completely see through! Grr! I'm wearing my coat all day.
    "Be who you are and say what you feel. Because those who matter don't mind and those who mind don't matter." - Dr. Seuss
  • Woogiesmommy
    Posts: 38Member
    The only time I judge a fellow mom is when she looks better than her children. And by this I mean the mother is in name brand clothes and her child looks like the clothes came from a dumpster( covered in stains and dont fit at all). I personally believe that is wrong. My dd17 mo always looks well put together reguardless of wether or not I am in sweats of a ball gown lol.
  • HorridWenchHorridWench
    Posts: 712Member
    Im a former goth...when the kids were born,I just didn't have the time or the money to keep up the look so I gave it up..you have to sacrifice things for kids..style sometimes has to be the one you get rid of for awhile...but who says you cant go out and play dress up every once in awhile ;) Leather and Chains or Shorts and a T shirt..my kids don't care..they just want me.
    "She Dances in a Ring of Fire and Throws Off the Challenge, With a Shrug" - Jim Morrison
  • Katescrazymom
    Posts: 1,847Member

    I have to say I judge moms at the park who look either slutty or prissy, mostly if they are with younger kids.  If your child gets stuck somewhere and you need to help him/her, you need to be able to without worrying about dirt/wrinkles, or indecent exposure. 

    I think yoga pants are a nice look, if they're in decent shape.  I do home daycare, and I can't find jeans that come up high enough for me to move in comfortably without being total mom jeans.  A pair of black or dark grey yoga pants, a colourful teeshirt (short or long sleeved), and a pair of ballet style slippers is pretty much my uniform.  I've never been into fashion, so I didn't really have to change anything.  As long as mom and child are safe, comfortable, and decently covered, who cares?  I would add clean, but I would have to change my clothes every time I left the house.  Why are their hands always sticky?  So I settle for reasonably clean.  I don't even judge moms who obviously spent a lot of time putting themselves together with messy kids.  They just get that way, and you have to pick your battles.

    I

     

     

  • [Deleted User]
    Posts: 7,022
    The user and all related content has been deleted.
    well behaved women seldom make history
  • Silvertidebaby
    Posts: 1Member
    I use to judge other moms on how they dressed, that is before kids until the birth of my second. When DD was born I gave up my heels and mini skirts for mom jeans and flats. I wanted to look like the good mommy I was. In my daughters two years of life I had only a handful of pictures with her because I was ashamed of the way I looked. After DS was born I said fuck it. I'm an amazing mother and I don't care if someone wants to think otherwise because of how I like to look. I'm damn proud of my personal appearance and have no desire to hide that. So now, I don't judge when I see someone who looks out there or bumming it, you do what you need to in order to be happy in your own skin.

    As for the playground. It doesn't matter if I'm in heels and a skirt ( spanks underneath) with my nails and hair done or shorts and flat I'm still out their having a great time climbing equipment with them.
  • shadylaneshadylane
    Posts: 3,037Member
    my kid usually looks like she just got back from a cover shoot for baby glamour. i don't go all out on myself but i usually look cute i think. i refuse to look like a frump just b/c i'm a mom, my personality didn't get surgically removed along with the kid. even though its a lot harder to keep up maintenance now i enjoy my personal style. fashion is something i'm interested in and i want to show off what i've got b/c i won't have it much longer, its already going downhill. i do admit i sometimes judge dowdy looking moms, not in a bad way i just think of all the things she could easily do to look a million times better. but i know how hard it is to find the time, i haven't worn full makeup or styled my hair or done anything other than brush it for months. so i understand wanting to look nice and feel like urself but the ones i see all decked out with boobs popping out and a gallon of makeup on i just think are trying too hard, u can dress sexy in a flattering way without looking slutty. and u can dress comfy and still look cute and not sloppy.
    ~slim shady~
  • organicbabyorganicbaby
    Posts: 1,472Member
    Makes me mad how superficial people can be. I hope someday we, humans, stop being so absurd. I hope your friend gets to be herself instead of somebody someone else thinks she should be.
  • Ms_JAQ
    Posts: 109Member

    I don't give an F what people think. No way would I ever change my style just because I'm a mum. Yes there is such as thing as 'time and place' and in certain situations I will dress more conservatively (not that my clothes are very out there anyway) but I'm still me. I wouldn't dress like a tart regrdless of wether I had kids or not. But being a yummy, mummy does make me feel like my life isn't over just because I reproduced.


    My DD5 dresses herself and is quite creative in her choices. She has been know to get around the shops in a tutu, dressing gown and sunglasses. Or rock up to preschool in her PJ's. I have better things to do then fight with her about clothes and I think she has every right to wear what she wants.


    And hey if I want to get around town with my daughter and both of us wearing matching tiaras and fairy wings that's my business - go worry about you're own life. 


    P.S If you can't squat in it - it's not a dress - put some damn pants on.

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