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just a braindump
  • momnipotentmomnipotent
    Posts: 498Member
    I am starting to get seriously depressed. like super depressed. my power is going to be cut off soon. my phone, my internet amd only connection to the world outside these apartment walls is going to be cut off soon. I just cant seem to make ends meet and now I have fallen so far behind that I really screwed myself.. im trapped in a completely loveless relationship. I am lonely, and tired, and fed up... my heart hurts so bad it feels like I have a weight in my chest, I can physically feel this ache.. I know I should just leave my SO but the thought of him being solely in charge of my son for any amount of time makes me want to puke. I didnt realize how bad it was until the last time we had sex. I didnt finish, and when we were done I just wanted to cry, I felt... dirty, pathetic, and used. it was the same sex we always have, so I guess it speaks on volumes to the harsh reality that is my "relationship". I have taken to reading cheesy amateur love stories just to grasp at the hope that there is more out there... that love does exist.. I swear if it wasnt for my beautiful, chubby little boy tonight would be the night I kill myself. I have started cutting again just to make sure I still exist, that there is more to feel than just this dull, hollow aching in my soul.. I can see the difference in myself.. my eyes are losing the shine, I only do the bare minimum of showering, my skin looks greasy and dull, as does my hair (although thats because of my nopoo resolution) I make no effort to get out, I dont want to eat.. my methods of distraction are lasting shorter and shorter periods.. I have just reached the point where I dont care about anything other than my son. not myself, my house, my future, nadda. my boy will soon grow up and realize mommas a lazy deadbeat, my depression will taint his future... uhgghhhhgh I suck. like really really bad.
    *ad astra per alia porci*
    my nuts hang like there aint no curfew
  • CanadianMamaCanadianMama
    Posts: 9,605Administrator, Moderator
    You can leave him, you can ask for supervised visitations, this doesn't have to be your life. We love you, and we are here for you.  >:D<

    community-manager


  • CalliopemarieCalliopemarie
    Posts: 4,326Member
    you don't suck. depression and bad situations suck. you can get through this though.
    i am insane!!! mwahahahaha
  • momnipotentmomnipotent
    Posts: 498Member
    CanadianMama said:

    You can leave him, you can ask for supervised visitations, this doesn't have to be your life. We love you, and we are here for you.  >:D<



    but what if I dont get them??? I can hardly stand the thought of it

    *ad astra per alia porci*
    my nuts hang like there aint no curfew
  • CanadianMamaCanadianMama
    Posts: 9,605Administrator, Moderator
    If you believe so strongly that he can't be trusted alone with your son that you're willing to stay in a miserable situation there has got to be a very good reason you don't trust him! The courts will see it! And it might not even get there, he might give up during mediation, or he might not pursue visitation in the first place. You can leave him, please leave him! 

    community-manager


  • momofdbbmomofdbb
    Posts: 9,074Member
    You do not suck. The situation does , but not you. I have been there before. No phone, gas off, water off and the power about to be shut off. Too far behind to see a way out , I did not care about myself. I stayed longer than I should have. Now I am not with him and I feel a little better. I have different reasons to be sad now. Try and get out. I know it is way easier said than done, but try.
    " Wibbly wobbly timey wimey ......." The Doctor
    " I'm a leafe on the wind..watch how I soar ." Wash :((
    " Oh the wall had it comming.' Sherlock Holmes
    yea I am geek !!
  • SammieSammie
    Posts: 7,277Administrator, Moderator
    See that Resources link up there at the top of the page? There's help out there, babe. You're not alone. You're not worthless. You ARE lovable. You deserve love. You deserve happiness. You deserve the best. You really do. So does your son. He needs a happy, healthy mama.

    First things first, you can access social programs to keep your power on. In fact, I don't think the power company can legally disconnect you with an infant in the house. Call them. Your son's doctor or your OB may need to fax a note, but that's it. Everyone gets behind on bills or short on cash at one point or another. Don't beat yourself up over that!! It won't be like this forever.

    Also, there's hotlines you can call. They gave trained therapists on staff. They will listen to you. Anytime of day or night. Calm them if you need them. Also, call your OB asap. Or your primary doctor. But you need a doctor and you need to be honest with them about what's going on and how you are feeling. You also really should talk to a therapist/counselor. Your doctor can give you a referral OR you can call the mental health dept in your area.

    We are here for you. Let us know what we can do. You are loved. It WILL get better. Please don't hurt yourself, hon. You gotta just take the first step. You don't have to leave your son with anyone. He goes with you. It will get better!! Promise!!

    community-manager


  • amyclarkamyclark
    Posts: 213Member
    That's a lot on your plate, no wonder you are depressed.  Call your doc, they can help whether it's antidepressants or helping you find a good (free) counselor.  I personally have been on antidepressants for years and they have literally been a lifesaver for me.  But not all kinds work for everyone.  Your doc can help.  And it's nothing to be ashamed of.  I does not make you a worse person or mommy, and your son will love you no matter what. 
  • unforgivenunforgiven
    Posts: 12,700Confessional Manager
    Oh Hun, I'm so sorry you're dealing with all this weight on your heart. I agree with @canadianmama. You need to leave. We're here for you in any way you need. >:D< >:D<

    confessional-manager

    "What looks like torture is a time to rejoice
    What sounds like thunder is a comforting voice
    When what is beautiful looks broken and crushed
    And I say I don't know you
    But you say it's finished"
  • FoulMouthedSailorFoulMouthedSailor
    Posts: 1,896Member
    @Momnipotent I'm a complete stranger, and I just want you to know I love your sense of humor and complete lack of a filter when it comes to wording, and how straight forward you are. I don't think any one should be with an abusive partner or feel subhuman because of it. @Sammie worded it better than I ever could. But I think we all want you to be happy, while I've never walked a foot in your shoes I know you're strong because you have someone to love and loves you back. And we are here for you!
    You show the lights that stop me turn to stone, You shine it when I'm alone. And so I tell myself that I'll be strong
    And dreaming when they're gone.
  • Luvlyssa
    Posts: 2,943Member
    *hugs*

    I wish I could say more... but I can't. Just know that there are some of us in similar shoes... (I'm in your shoes, thank god I don't  have a baby) but.. that doesn't make it easier honey.

    Find it somewhere in you to call the power company... even if it's the ONLY thing you do tomorrow. do it. If you skip showering to do it... do it.

    I understand you're afraid and depressed. but ... here's the reality (And remember, hi, btdt and right there with you) because you have a child... and you're cutting... YOU look worse off than DH right now. On the outside. and you know how harshly people judge everyone.

    if you ask for help, it shows you want to be ok. Does that make sense? It shows that you're trying instead of... wasting away :( These are calls YOU have to make. If I could make them for you? I would. Because I know how hard it is to simply dial a phone. I know that it feels like running the longest marathon EVER. But... you have to do it.

    There are a thousand things we can do to help you. We just need to narrow it down from a thousand to 10 :) People here will call, research, do whatever. You tell us what you need help with and we'll do it. *I* will do it. PM ME! I can help...
    Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming. What do we do? We swim, swim.
  • BellaBefanaBellaBefana
    Posts: 8,174Member
    Calliopemarie said:

    you don't suck. depression and bad situations suck. you can get through this though.




    Yes, ^^^ this.  we're here for you.  We may only be able to listen, but we've got LOTS of ears.  Have you checked out the SM resource thread?  

    Big hugs, hon, big hugs.
    Bite me, cupcake!
  • Charlotte_SometimesCharlotte_Sometimes
    Posts: 1,756Member
    I can offer my input from my own experience anyway... I don't know where you are, but here, if the temp is over 100 degrees for so many days in a row, OR if there is a child under the age of ??  I am not sure exactly, but if there's a child under a certain age or a disabled person in the home they will not shut off the electricity. 

    I have personally had to fight with the electric company here on the temperature thing when they tried to shut me off during a heat wave.  And it worked.

    As for your kids, I don't know the whole situation since I haven't been on SM as long but at the risk of sounding sexist and pissing people off, I will say that from WHAT I HAVE SEEN, many guys will threaten and use the children as a means to keep you around but when push comes to shove, they don't WANT the responsibility of full time care and a lot of it is just hot air to try and exert control.

    I am fighting my own demons right now with mental health, so I am not the best one to give advice, but on the other hand, I have been there and I can say this.  The tiniest step can help.  Try and get out of your house at least once a day... and since you do what you do for your child(ren?), then make it as simple as taking a walk with them, just around the block, so they can have some fresh air and sunshine.  You will benefit too, I promise.  Just breaking out of the slump can seem insurmountable but something like a walk can be just enough to help you start to climb up and out of this.

    Now I need too take my own advice!


    "But a lesson must be lived
    In order to be learned"

    Ani DiFranco, Manhole
  • CalliopemarieCalliopemarie
    Posts: 4,326Member
    don't let him bully you anymore. he may threaten to take your child but you know what? he's only doing it to Bully you into staying. you are an amazingly strong person and a wonderful mother. just posting on here shows how strong you are. saying you need help doesn't make you weak it shows that you are strong enough to make yourself better and strong enough to be there for your baby!!! any time you don't feel strong though let us know and we will help you. j know all about financial hardships as it is I'm not sure well make it through the month but it gets better. there are people who will help you a.d places that offer help. I know how hard it is to ask. it makes you feel like crap but you know what? it doesn't make you a bad person. you are showing that you would rather have help than let your child suffer. big huge hugs honey. we are here for you and we will help you through this
    i am insane!!! mwahahahaha
  • realtormomrealtormom
    Posts: 648Member
    Don't have much to offer other than a hug and listening ears...
    The past has a vote, not a veto ~ Moredecai Kaplan
  • mommydeliriousmommydelirious
    Posts: 3,224Member
    First of all HUGS....I am here for you whenever...Im gonna go FB you my cell later. If you ever ever need me Im really not that far away. 
    Second of all I know you've talked about being scared of him with your kid before. This may sound vindictive, but are there things you can use against him? Is he an addict of any sort, hit you, abusive in some way, anything can could prevent him fr getting unsup. visitation? 
    Let me know if there is anything I can do to help you. 
    Photobucket
  • Peace
    Posts: 2,083Member
    FoulMouthedSailor said:

    @Momnipotent I'm a complete stranger, and I just want you to know I love your sense of humor and complete lack of a filter when it comes to wording, and how straight forward you are.



    hugs momma, you matter. Please don't beat yourself up or hurt yourself. You're in a rough chapter of your life. There are better times waiting for you.
    You can do this, I promise. One phone call today, ok? Just one. Like @LuvLyssa said. Do one thing to reach out for help today.
    Is there anyone in your family that would help you? A friend? Someone who will see a little more clearly the steps to take?
    Please call them or one of the resources listed.

    We care about you, you're important to us.
    Hugs momma, big hugs. >:D<
    Please make a call...
  • PurpleFlowersPurpleFlowers
    Posts: 5,629Member
    I dont have any more advice than whats been given already but I just wanted to tell you that you are loved. Big, huge hugs hun >:D<
    Stay away from my chocolate and nobody gets hurt!

    I think I like who I am becoming...
  • scotiamama
    Posts: 1,213Member
    I'm a text away if you want help figuring shit out so you can get out, vent or w/e. You don't deserve that shit from him. >:D<
  • MistressHeidiMistressHeidi
    Posts: 973Member
    You've been given some great advice on here, I don't really have any more to give. I just wanted to say that you are a wonderful person, your loved and you don't deserve to be treated like shit. Big big hugs!
    >:D<
  • episcopal
    Posts: 1,402Member
    Major hugs coming from me, @momnipotent!  I echo what others have said.  I would emphasize checking out the SM resources page and first doing what you have to do to keep the power from being shut off.
  • shadylaneshadylane
    Posts: 3,037Member
    U are not a lazy deadbeat and ur son will not think that. Ur just depressed for good reason and u need to get on some meds to pull u out of this so u can get motivated to make changes. Why are u solely responsible for the financial situation, I've read ur posts but I can't remember. Its not all ur fault, it shouldn't all be on u when the father is there. Am I correct that there is abuse whether physical or emotional? Sorry I can't keep everyone's situations straight. I think I already suggested getting a protective order, that way he will have to leave and u won't have to worry about having a place to go. He will have to pay child support and u will be able to get assistance. Like the others said he probably won't even want the child, but if he does try he's not going to get full custody. If u haven't already start documenting things he says and does that prove he is unfit to be around the child. Ok so #1 get on an antidepressant. There's nothing wrong with needing a little help to pull u out of this mindset. Do u have medicaid? If so, call ur doctor. If not, apply asap and there are sliding scale clinics that will see u and bill u later. If its b/c of ur so that u can't get medicaid, u will once he's gone, skip to #2. #2 go to the courthouse and get a protective order. And temporary custody order. Don't go home until he's served and gone. #3 call the child support enforcement bureau and ask for the paperwork to file for child support. If ur getting or applying for assistance u will have to do this anyway. #4 if u don't already get them, go to dhhr and apply for food stamps, tanf, emergency assistance for the utilities and rent if u have it and medicaid. Bring the documentation of the po, temp custody and child support, the shutoff notice for the electric and any other shutoff/eviction notices. #5 there are other resources to help u with utilities, rent, food and clothes as well. U can do this and u will be just fine and it will probably actually be easier without a dead weight so holding u back. I know the feeling of hopelessness all too well and I promise when ur brain starts working right again u will realize that u can so do this.
    ~slim shady~
  • AnonUser28
    Posts: 2,083Guest
    I just wanted to add that the man refuses to change a diaper or wash a bottle. He is a deadbeat. He does not want the responsibility of caring for your son. He says what he does because that is how he can control you. You need to take away his ability to do that. That is why you are depressed, you are not yourself anymore, you are not your own person. Motherhood is a difficult transition under the best of circumstances. You are a young mother on top of that, and are sticking with a controlling dickhead, that makes your load much worse. No wonder you are depressed. He does nothing to contribute to your life or your son's life, nothing. Financially, emotionally, physically, he is not present in any respect. Why keep him around? He has no positive effect on your life as far as I can tell. Think about it. Make a list of what he does that is good for you, for himself, and for baby boy. What he does that is good for your family as a unit. I'll bet it is a damned short list. Honey, go to your doctor. Stop cutting, you need to find a positive way to deal with your depression, and cutting has never really helped anyone. I don't like it when you hurt my friend. The doctor can help you, a therapist can help you. You live in a country where you don't need to worry about paying for these resources. Take advantage of the help that is there. Do it for yourself, and do it for Wyatt. He deserves to have a happy, well adjusted mother. Most of all, kick that man's ass to the curb. It seems hard, maybe even impossible, but think about the freedom you have once you have done it. You will never have to censor your words or actions based on what he thinks or wants again. You never have to take his abuse, or worry about what he does or does not do. Most of all, stay clean yourself. He is a pothead, fine. That is great ammunition as far as supervised visitation goes. Make sure you can pass the test yourself. Let me know if I can help you anyhow. Much love!
  • fatchickonabikefatchickonabike
    Posts: 5,494Member
    Don't believe that voice in your head that is telling you you're worthless and your situation is hopeless. You aren't, and it isn't. There is always hope. Look into your son's eyes and see it. Get yourself away from your SO and your mind will start to clear. You will begin to see the light at the end of the tunnel again, I promise. If you can't do it for yourself, do it for your son. You don't want him to grow up thinking this is how dads are, do you? Or worse, to become like that himself? I know you can do it. You deserve happiness and the very best that life has to offer, and so does your son. I'm so sorry you're going through this. >:D< >:D< >:D<
    "The most essential gift for a good writer is a built-in, shock-proof bullshit detector.” - Ernest Hemingway
  • French_momFrench_mom
    Posts: 1,540Member
    Just wanted you to know you are worth it. Love,Happiness  all of it.  I can't add more to what the others have so well said. 

    Please leave him. Yes it will be hard. But in the long run ? It will be worth it. You are NOT alone. You have us to back you up and hold your hands every step of the way. 

    I am happy you reached out to us. 
    It is for me to know and you to dot dot dot.
  • momnipotentmomnipotent
    Posts: 498Member
    I am just so so sick to my stomach at the thought of him being in complete control of my babys care for ANY amount of time.  he is just so irresponsible and such a fucking sheep, if we did things his way and bought into EVERYTHING his dipshit family says my son would have been on pablum at two weeks old, eating icing and pop at two months, would sit in his diaper for 12 hours because "thats what the package says".. he rips toys out of his hand, because hes "just fucking with him.." he thinks its okay to let the baby sit there and scream.. id rather put up with the bullshit of being with him then hand over my son every second weekend.. i just want him to go awayyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
    *ad astra per alia porci*
    my nuts hang like there aint no curfew
  • momnipotentmomnipotent
    Posts: 498Member
    i am fairly certain he will pursue visitation if i leave. he has also threatened to run away with the baby and i think he would. he doesnt realize how much work a baby is, it doesnt click in his mind that shit doesnt do itself I DO IT
    *ad astra per alia porci*
    my nuts hang like there aint no curfew
  • AutumnAutumn
    Posts: 898Member
    You should record him, everytime you get into an argument @momnipotent!  If he's said several times he will run away with your baby, and you had it documented, couldn't you get a protective order??  Or at least supervised visits..  Idk, I've never dealt with custody battles.  >:D<
  • AlbertaMomAlbertaMom
    Posts: 789Member

    @momnipotent


    Are you nursing? Sorry to get personal, but that is often a GREAT way to get judges to rule that he can't take the baby, as you are his sole source of nutrition. Just a thought..

    Lilypie Pregnancy tickers
  • momnipotentmomnipotent
    Posts: 498Member

    @albertamom yep i am but that only lasts for so long plus he will argue that i should pump

     

    @autumn im really wishing i had of documented it.. we dont fight lately because i stopped giving a shit graaaaaawwwwwwwwwwwgh i hate this

    *ad astra per alia porci*
    my nuts hang like there aint no curfew
  • mommydeliriousmommydelirious
    Posts: 3,224Member
    @momnipotent
    Maybe you should go hunting. Drunk. With many, many loaded rifles. In a dark forest. Very very drunk.

    O:-)


    ETA: Im joking Im joking... (better cover me arse in case something DOES happen...be knockin on me door right away)
    Photobucket
  • AlbertaMomAlbertaMom
    Posts: 789Member

    @momnipotent


    It doesn't matter, a judge won't make you pump.

    Lilypie Pregnancy tickers
  • shadylaneshadylane
    Posts: 3,037Member
    u have got to get rid of him, ugh what a fucking douche nozzle. if he did get visitation he would show up the first couple times and then u would never see him again once he realizes that u actually have to do stuff for a baby. and tell the court he has said more than once he would kidnap the baby, start documenting everything he says that is abusive or threatening or shows ill intent. also any instances of neglect like not changing him and leaving him crying in his crib, and mistreatment like yelling at him. def tell the court he needs to be drug tested, that this is not a personal vendetta u are just concerned for ur child's well being. u have seen neglect and mistreatment firsthand, have witnessed drug use, he's actually told u he will kidnap the baby, he refuses to work and contributes nothing i don't see how he could get unsupervised visitation but like i said he'll get tired of it quickly. its still better than having the life sucked out of u by living with this guy, even if u have to let him see him a couple times a month its better than having to support him. ur already doing it on ur own, it will be easier on u to have one less mouth to feed. plus, he will be ordered to pay child support and eventually he'll go to jail for not paying and then u will be rid of him for a while. and when he stops showing up for his visits u can go back to court and get his visitation taken away. u can do this, u may have to endure letting the baby go with him a couple times but u will get thru it and it will be worth it. u deserve so much better than how ur living, don't sacrifice ur happiness and well being. u don't want ur son growing up seeing u so unhappy, its not good for him either.its in the best interest of ur child to get this idiot out of there. the next time he says or does anything abusive or threatening, go to the courthouse and get a protective order and get him out of there. then when he contacts u he will go to jail. and then u will have all that documentation for family court. don't worry,  it will all come out in the wash and he'll get what he deserves.
    ~slim shady~
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