Hey Millennials: Did you hear? Donald Trump wants to take away your smartphones!
Okay, now that I have your attention, I don’t actually know if Donald wants to take away your cell phones. But he wants to take away a lot of other stuff, so why not?
Okay. So, first off, young voters, you need to cancel whatever you’re doing on November 8 and go to your polling station and place your vote. It’s a Tuesday. Nothing else really happens on Tuesdays except tacos, so you should totally be able to make it. Type it into your calendar right now. I’ll wait.
Now. Did you know that millennials own 33% of the vote? And did you know that in the 2012 elections, only 26% of millennials exercised their right to vote? So I’m going to do some math: That’s 81 million voters times 26%… That is almost 60 million of you who did not vote. No shame, I’m sure you had a ton of stuff happening, but we just really need you to grab some tacos and head over there this year, because that is a huge chunk of votes that could definitely decide on whether or not the apocalypse is going to be initiated. We’re talking the apocalypse here, people. Fire, brimstone, flesh-eating zombies — the whole thing.
Why? Because Donald Trump is a bad person and he really wants to make a lot of bad things happen. I only know that he wants to make bad things happen because he keeps telling us all about it. He wants to place guns in the hands of everyone, cut taxes for the rich, punish women for choosing what to do with their bodies, take away our rights to marry whom we choose, go willy-nilly on deportation and building walls, and generally accept help from really bad dudes all over the world as long as they say nice things about him. And you know if Donald gets in, he’s totally going to take away your weed, right? So at least think about that.
We’ve heard that a lot of you don’t think that politics are relevant to your lives. Well, I think Donald has been placed on this planet for you to realize that politics are relevant to your lives. He has a tiny, delicate, fragile ego and that is not someone I want making one single choice that affects the world I live in. And if you think he becomes unhinged on Twitter now, just think about if he had access to the nuclear codes, i.e., fire, brimstone, flesh-eating zombies.
And you, out there, young voters, we know you care about stuff. You care a lot. You care about climate change and abortion and immigration and the economy and having jobs and you care about the world. You care about safe gun laws and you care about your college education. After all, you guys are the most educated, racially, ethnically, socially diverse of any generation. We know you care about this stuff. So please, make your voices heard. It’s so easy. I know people keep telling you this, but your vote is everything.
Why is your vote everything, you ask? Okay, you guys might not remember Ralph Nader, but I do. In 2000, spoiler candidate Ralph Nader is believed to have split the votes away from Al Gore, therefore contributing to George Bush’s win. So don’t go out and freaking vote for Gary Johnson just because his last name isn’t Clinton or Trump. Seriously, the dude can’t even name one foreign leader . He is not a good choice.
Just to review: You care about shit. Your vote is everything. You have a huge responsibility to stop the apocalypse.
So let’s all go get tacos and vote on November 8.