Not every mom aspires to be a minivan mom. In fact, here are seven reasons to avoid them like the plague…
1. Because the last thing we need is more crevices in which to find bitten-off chicken nuggets. (Oh my gosh, do you eat them, too? It can be a week…okay, a month…since our family’s last McDonald’s visit, and I’ll still pop one of those little suckers into my mouth if I dig it out from beneath a car seat. You know they don’t die, right?)
2. We don’t need to be doing our kids’ preschools any more favors, i.e., “Shay, we noticed you just got that spacious minivan. You wouldn’t mind taking 7 screaming children that aren’t your own to the pumpkin patch and then being responsible for them for the duration of the field trip, would you? Oh, and we’ll let you figure out the car seat situation. Thaaaaaaanks.” Um, hell no.
3. We’d have to start blaring Kidz Bop 20 from the speakers, and somehow I don’t think the strains of The Wheels on the Bus would be as impressive to any ex-boyfriends passing on the highway as our usual Pink would be.
4. How many more square feet is that to vacuum? Because I’m pretty sure I’ve never vacuumed the first 20 feet of my smaller car. What do you do, like, put a quarter in somewhere?
5. Those of us tightwad moms (Me! Me!) would probably get the knockoff version with the manual doors because they’re 10 bucks cheaper than the ones with the automatic sliding doors. Then everyone in the preschool pickup line would scrunch up their noses as we lumbered out of the front seat to close the door for our kids, and they’d all say, “Ugh. You still have manual doors? That’s so 1995.”
6. They don’t make many minivans in pink, and paint jobs are expensive.
7. We just prefer our kids’ Cheez-Its to be sprinkled all over the floorboard of a Lamborghini, that’s all. It’s simply a personal preference. Granted, most of us don’t have one of those, either, but it would look nicer, don’t you agree?