Jill Smokler, AKA Scary Mommy
@scarymommy
Latest posts by Jill Smokler, AKA Scary Mommy (see all)
- The Disney Reveal - May 14, 2013
- Met My Match At Disney… - May 13, 2013
- Sunday’s Baltimore Sun - May 11, 2013
As I enter back into the world of academia, I find myself pondering the following quote which came straight from the mouth of my six year old daughter: “So, let me get this straight, Mom. You went to Mommy College to learn how to be a mommy, right? So, now that you are a mommy, you want to go back to school to learn how to be a teacher? Ah, I get it now. Cool.”
Mommy College…a school to learn how to be a perfect mommy. Upon hearing this brilliant idea, I began to envision courses that mommies could enroll in to better prepare themselves for the roller coaster ride that is motherhood. In order to be accepted into Mommy College, there would be a prerequisite course. Below is the course syllabus to give you a better understanding of what this motherhood gig is all about. If you get queasy, faint or break out in a cold sweat at any point while reading, consider yourself NOT ready for motherhood just yet and perhaps reapply at another time in the future.
Course Syllabus – Mommy 101: Everything They Never Tell You But You Really Need To Know in Order to Survive Motherhood
1. You will perform all bathroom tasks with an audience, complete with commentary, critiques and a rating system (this will include, but will not be limited to, urinating, moving your bowels, shaving and popping the occasional pimple on your face).
2. You will second guess EVERYTHING you do, say, wear, eat, drink, buy, return and sell because your thoughts will be preoccupied with how this particular decision, no matter how big or small, will affect your children.
3. You will learn the true meaning of unconditional love. For example, your child will shower you with compliments about your beauty even when you are in your rattiest pajamas, have morning eye crust in, not one, but both eyes and breath that could clear out a small town it is so potent.
4. You will begrudgingly come to realize you have no other choice but to smile, while nodding your head yes, when your child politely asks for that your last extra crispy, extra greasy french fry as it is en route to your mouth.
5. You will remove the phrase “a sound sleep” from your vocabulary since after having children, everything will cause you to wake up and check on the kids, including a raccoon rummaging through a garbage can 18 blocks away, even though you know it has absolutely nothing to do with the kids and their safety.
6. You will plan, months in advance, to have a night out on the town with your other mommy friends. You will look forward to the two-three hour break from your role as Mommy. However, you will spend 97% of the evening discussing, bragging about and missing your kids.
7. You will effortlessly learn the art of showering in under three minutes and then prioritizing which is more important, mascara or deodorant, when you realize that after then shower you only have two minutes left before having to race the kids to school before the late bell rings.
8. You will forget to put a bra on many mornings, but you will never forget your child’s first word was “gog” as she pointed to the dog, the pink leopard print outfit she had on the day she began to crawl or the white sweater you had on the first time she threw up her pureed peas all over you.
9. You will smile from ear to ear when in a store and overhear a mom say, “Are you serious?! You really pooped in your pants AGAIN?!” and realize this particular poop in not your problem.
10. You will be so excited the end of a long, trying, exhausting day with the kiddies has come to a close and that they are finally snoring away in their beds. However, as you walk past their room on the way to your own comfy bed, you will tiptoe into their rooms and stare at them while they sleep for a minimum of twenty minutes each. These times may also be accompanied by tears of joy as you take the opportunity to fully take in their innocence and beauty.
Upon completion of this course, it is guaranteed that you will still be absolutely clueless on how to be a perfect mother, but to give you peace of mind and hope, you should carry on with this advice…always keep calm, carry on and pretend to know exactly what you’re doing at all times. A journey like this only comes along once in a lifetime. So, fasten your seatbelt, brace yourself, hold on tight and enjoy the ride. There ain’t no other like it, mama.
{ 41 comments… read them below or add one }
#9 made me laugh out loud, because it’s so true!
Lynn from For Love or Funny recently posted..HELP! I’m being chased by a tree!
me too! we have had major poop issues.
#1 – yup that was me today. I’ve also mastered peeing while balancing a toddler on one knee, and wiping then pulling up my pants with one hand, while holding a 30 pound child with the other.
Also? Course #11: You will learn that TMI is no longer TMI when you talk to other moms – I just had a conversation with a fellow SAHM and we discussed how we have stopped wearing G-strings and sexy bras, what kind of maternity pads are best and how crotch pain is such a well, pain, when pregnant.
Alison@Mama Wants This recently posted..Why My Toddler Is Awesome
Oh man I have mastered the art of the 3 minute shower. I pride myself on getting out of the house in under 10 minutes. Sadly, I do forget to put on a bra every once in a while. But at least I remember to put on underwear…most days!
Loved this…I shared it with my LifePoint MOPS (Mothers of PreSchoolers) group…Thinking this will be a good ready at one of our upcoming meetings! Thanks so much for sharing!
I laughed out loud at #9! I’m so glad my boys are past that now! Every bit of that is spot on!
Amanda recently posted..Interscholastic Competition
May I add to #10?.. You gaze at them lovingly as they sleep, but if they stir even a little- you panic, drop to the ground and crawl, ninja-style out of the room so as not to wake them. Because then they would be awake… and nobody wants that. :)
RachRiot recently posted..Brallelujah!
I totally second this!
Moomser recently posted..Virtual Coffee {35}
I totally 3rd this!! LOL..I have to check on my 2 year old a dozen times before I get into bed and after I am in bed I feel the need to go check on him again to make sure he is ok because maybe I didn’t check on him enough..then when I go in there for the 50th time and put my hand to his back to reassure myself that yes, he still is breathing….he starts to stir..I do my marathon sprint in record time out the door and breathe very quietly and hope to god I didn’t wake him because….I really need to sleep….LOL.
To add on: If you see their eyes open, you freeze like a statue and hope they don’t see you. You’ll get good at it too, cause you have to hold the postion until their eyes close again (great for muscle toning). Then proceede to the above step.
Mercy recently posted..Summer Fun – Water Painting
A great big thank you to Scary Mommy for the opportunity to guest blog on her awesome site and another big thank you to everyone who took the time reads my words. So exciting!
Most of these apply to dads as well, but thankfully I will never have to wear a bra!
I love this. And @ RachRiot, so very true. Whilst doing this I also swear inwardly at my old, creaky bones as they loudly protest at such a move.
I also feel the curriculum should cover the art of toddler conversation. Only a mummy knows how to talk seriously about the most wildly imaginative things as if they were perfectly normal and accompany most responses with a wide eyed “oh wow! did you?” when being told for the umpteenth time what minutiae your 3 year old did today.
I’m glad I didn’t know about # 5 before having kids, cause I may not have had them and they’re kind of cool. Though I do miss sleep. Truly, terribly, miss it.
Moomser recently posted..Virtual Coffee {35}
I wouldn’t give up my seat on this ride for anything. Oh, how they work my nerves. So often. But imagining life without them? I can’t even.
I’ve got #7 down (deodorant almost always wins). And that damn raccoon! DAMN YOU!
Arnebya recently posted..Watch Out for the Big Girl
I started planning a date night in January for this weekend! We are so excited. Hotel stay and everything!
Seriously Sassy Mama recently posted..A Kung Fu And Spanish Lesson
Love this. Reminded me of a blog post I put together when my son was just a couple of months old: http://ohhoneytheresaline.blogspot.com/2010/01/learning-curve.html
I agree that #6, planning a night out with the girls, takes 3 months to coordinate and then someone inevitably has to drop out due to a sick kid/traveling husband/lack of babysitter! But me and my friends must be bad ’cause we do NOT spend 97% of our girls night talking about our kids. Heck, no!
Katy @ Experienced Bad Mom recently posted..Walk of Shame
Ha! I second guess the clothing and/or shoes I wear because they must be able to accommodate my running after my son if he takes off on me.
Also, how did you know about the pink leopard print pajamas? My daughter was totally wearing those, not when she started crawling, but when she started walking. We call her “Baby Gaga” when she wears them. ;-)
Stephanie recently posted..Housework Wars: Hubby Strikes Back
Oh, Also? Your hoo-ha might fall out from pushing too hard.. Good times!
RachRiot recently posted..Brallelujah!
I’m still not used to #1, after three years it still surprises me.
Tinne from Tantrums and Tomatoes recently posted..Sandbox Owners Solace
I have to agree #1 is the hardest one I just have to laugh about it because sneaking away does not work. And even if I lock the door they bang, and bang the door until I open it
Shirley recently posted..{Weight loss Journey} I am going INSANE!!
I love this post, specially number one. Even when you try to sneak away to take care of business the moment you disappear they start looking for you through the whole house. I sometimes do not respond in order to be able to go in peace for just a second. But eventually they find me and they say “Mommy there you are” They open the door and come in get in the empty bathtub and start playing. The joys of motherhood LOL!!!
Shirley recently posted..{Weight loss Journey} I am going INSANE!!
Love it. An addendum to #6 is that it will most likely be canceled and rescheduled do to a child’s illness or a babysitter cancellation or a spouse’s sudden business trip.
Marta recently posted..Fear
Loved, loved, loved it! Funny and sweet. You are right. There is nothing like being a mommy.
Michelle recently posted..That Person In The Mirror Is Scary
well instead of a night out with the girls..my hubby and I try for a date night every once in a blue moon. My best friend always babysits the kids for me and she knows me alllll too well. My hubby has to take my phone away when we go out because I am constantly texting to make sure they are ok. But, my bff doesn’t respond becuz she knows how I am. Luckily, or unfortunately, our 12 year old daughter texts me the ENTIRE time we are out about every little thing that is going on and every little whimper that her 2 year old brother makes. “Mommy, you need to come home…he is crying for you”…”Mommy…are you coming home? He wants you bad.” “Mom, you HAVE to come home, he is crying bad and misses you “. But, alas…my precious baby boy didn’t miss me that much….just my sweet 12 year old girl did…but of course she has to put it off on her brother. I can never enjoy a night out because I miss my kids way too much even though they may ride my last nerve when I am home with them. I love being a mom!
There needs to be a course for navigating the tween years, the teen years and the inevitable, preparing to send them off to college and how you cope with that!
Gigi recently posted..How is it that I can be SO proud and yet so heartbroken at the same time?
Love this list. My friends and I also spend our girls nights bitching about our husbands. We know they (the hubbies) are trying their best, but they can often be the extra child.
Every one of these is SO TRUE!! Your list made me laugh and get a little teary. Oh how my boys can frustrate me more than I’ve ever been frustrated before, but oh how sweet and beautiful they are at the same time. Like you said, even after the worst, most exhausting day I will go into their room and watch them sleep and be reminded how wonderful it is to have them in our lives. Great post!
Well then…
I think I’ll go high five my wife now.
Two words: Moms rock! :P
Chris @ CleverFather recently posted..How to help your toddler sleep through the night
The point you are all missing in #1 is, who else in your life walks up to you and gives you a hug while you are peeing?
It doesn’t get better than that.
Oh yes, all of these are so true. I remember peeing while holding a small baby, showering with a fussy baby in my arms, cooking and nursing at the same time. Mommies aquire some of the most amazing skills.
Mercy recently posted..Summer Fun – Water Painting
If this gives u goosebumps and tears (of joy, love and laughter) u are already a mommy or definetely ready to be one :)
Love it!!
Great list…I so needed to take this course. By the way, where do I find the other mommies that want to escape with me?
Michelle Saunderson recently posted..Shameful!
I also gave up on anything that was not machine washable and dryable. Even line dry is out for me because how am I to remember what is special?
Kate in Ohio recently posted..Happy Birthday to Laura!
So happy I read this post! Funny yet so true. Thank you!
Monica DeLaCruz recently posted..IMPORTANT: PLEASE READ THE ENTIRE POST BEFORE POKING YOUR EYES OUT WITH SHARP STICKS.
YES!! Every word is true!! I’m so glad a friend told me about this site!!
OMG, this is just too funny!
The poop, the last french fry, staring at them while they are sleeping… all of it sure resonates with me :)
Nadia recently posted..109. Beef and Irish Stout Stew
I think I laughed out loud at every one of these because I am guilty of them all! I forgot that mascara was even used for a few years of course teaching a teenage girl to apply it properly is another adventure in its own right!
Sweety Darlin recently posted..Best St. Patty Day EVER!
To number eight I would like to add…or you will put on two bras because you put one on and then are interrupted by your toddler and while talking to him you put on another without thinking about it and don’t realize it until evening when you remove one and wonder why you still have one on!
The first one I can so relate to. The last one is just so sweet. I love watching my kids sleep. After all the ruckus the whole-day long, it’s so peaceful at the end of the day. Little angels that are so worth all the trouble.