There is a little game I sometimes play in my head. It is called “All the Ways I Suck as a Mother.” I usually play it in the middle of the night when my mind is racing with all the things that went wrong during the previous day and all the things I need to get done the next day. Sometimes I play this game mid-tantrum (usually the kids’ tantrum, but sometimes my own) or when I can’t get anyone to listen to me (Do I sound like the teacher from Peanuts cartoons? Seriously, why doesn’t anybody listen to me?!). What the hell am I doing wrong?! I wonder.
And then I remember.
I am a mom, and I am a freaking badass. I give myself a much-needed Stuart Smalley-style pep talk (am I dating myself?). I remind myself of all the ways I am a badass mom, because all moms are freaking badass. You, yes, you are a freaking badass.
So in case you are in need of a little pep talk or need a few reminders about all the ways you are a mother effing badass, here is a list of some of the ways moms show their badassery:
1. Using words like badassery
2. Cleaning up vomit
3. Cleaning up vomit in the middle of the night
4. Cleaning up vomit in the middle of the night in your own bed
5. Smelling a nasty diaper from three rooms away
6. Knowing the difference between the baby’s diaper change cry, hungry cry, and just-because cry
7. Getting up in the middle of the night to deal with those cries
8. Coordinating playdates
9. Hosting playdates
10. Cleaning up after playdates
11. Carrying a newborn, toddler and preschooler—at the same time
12. Dealing with the school pickup line (Pull to the front, people!)
13. Putting up with the assholery that is toddlerhood
14. Refraining from actually calling the toddler an asshole (even though the behavior meets the criteria for assholery)
15. Translating toddler-ese and knowing that “mee-kah” means “milk,” “geega” means “gorilla,” and “fuff-koo” means “love you”
16. Getting up at the ass crack of dawn with the kids after a night of drinking
18. Enduring each and every tea party, pirate adventure, and every other type of pretend play
19. Planning date nights and then somehow summoning the energy to actually put on pants and makeup when all we really want to do is go to sleep
20. Answering questions like “What’s sex?” and “What’s a porn star?” and “What’s erectile dysfunction?” without breaking a sweat
21. Feeding a baby while cooking dinner and helping another kid with homework, all while the toddler pulls on your leg and whines for dinner (multitasking on steroids)
22. Transitioning yoga pants from exercise attire to business casual to pajamas, as necessary
23. Enduring various hells on Earth, better known as Chuck E. Cheese’s, Justice and the mall play area
24. Not giving a fuck about non-fuck-worthy things
25. Feeling badass, regardless of whether our kids think we are or not
See, I told you that you’re a badass.
Now, go on with your bad(ass) self.