Mooooooooo!!! – Scary Mommy

Mooooooooo!!!

Every once in a while, I peek at the sites that are directing traffic to mine. Somehow, it seems, I recently landed myself on the radar of some “I hate children” sites of which, it turns out, there are many. I found countless of my posts dissected on various boards, blogs and community sites, and… wow. First of all, did you know that the children-hating people of the world refer to us moms as “moos?”

(according to Urban Dictionary) Moo: A female breeder. Short for Mommy. So-called because such women drop offspring like cows do, seeming to have little other purpose in life, and sometimes conspicuously breastfeed them in public. They often also bovinely ignore them…unless you attempt to discourage their crotchfruit from screaming or otherwise misbehaving in public, in which case they will begin lowing like an angry cow whose calf has been threatened.

You learn something new every day, right? Anyway, I found the whole thing pretty amusing and thought I would share their take on a post I originally published, Motherhood Merit Badges, along with “KidlessKim’s” commentary.

Motherhood is a series of unfortunate events that bonds women together in the most thankless and revolting job on earth. I ABSOLUTELY agree, so why do it? 

Ok, so it’s more than that, but the unfortunate events are definitely a big part of the experience. Whoever a mother is — whether she’s Angelina Jolie or the teen mom at the grocery store checkout — I feel an instant bond with her, knowing we’ve both dealt with a puking kid in our bed or feverish baby at the most inopportune time. That’s just pathetic someone would “bond” over any such bullshit as that.

I was in Girl Scouts for a brief time, and I acquired a snazzy collection of merit badges to brag about my accomplishments like practicing athleticism with purpose and volunteering for a good cause. I’m thinking of finding that sash and slapping on some badges that I’m really proud of: The badges of motherhood. THIS is by far the worst of it. “Proud”, I see NOTHING to boast about in “earning” these ridiculous badges because there’s no “merit” to any of it.

The Fisherman Badge
Fished poop out of bathtub without gagging. God, HOW REVOLTING

The Filth Badge 
Went more than three days without a shower and didn’t even care. There’s NO EXCUSE for this slovenly personal hygiene, none at all.

The Volunteer Badge  
Survived an afternoon with snotty obnoxious children not belonging to me. NOW you know how childfree people feel ALL the time when we are assaulted by YOUR fucking brats’ wailing and other annoying kid behavior at restaurants, movies, libraries, etc…

The Urination Badge  
Got peed on and didn’t even flinch(or change clothes) Now THAT’S just nasty as hell! When I had a small little sick kitten pee on ME, I went inside right away, stripped and dumped the peed on shirt in the washer, and jumped in the shower.  

The Resourceful Badge
Caught vomit with bare hands. These women are SO disgusting.

The group then went on to share some badge ideas of their own. Since I hadn’t thought of any of theirs, I thought I’d pass them on to you!

The Fistula Badge
Surviving a hole the size of a golf ball between your rectum and cooter wall while having urine and fecal juice run down your leg, and walnut sized turds slide out your pussy hole all day while simultaneously baking cupcakes for a bunch of first graders!

The Purple Stretch Mark Badge
For surviving the horror of waking up to a purple striped and sagging belly after childbirth that will NEVER go away while dealing with the fact you will always be able to pierce your own belly button, at eye level, because you can now stretch your entire gut straight up to your neck, much like salt water taffy.

The Blue Veined Udder Badge
Having blue veins pop up on your udders due to extended tit feeding and nipples as elongated as a flaccid penis, but not EVEN giving a damn!

The Bitching Badge: Managing to turn everyone off of your presence because you bitch too much about your child.

The Wide Vagina Badge

The My-Loaf-Is-Really-Ugly-But-I-Kept-It-Anyway Badge

Taking A Dump Out Of Your Cooter Badge

Isn’t internet collaboration a beautiful thing?

Thanks, KidlessKim, for helping with my writer’s block and inspiring a new badge for me to wear with pride!

And, P.S. KidlessKim’s, We know something you don’t: Motherhood, revolting as it may be, is the best thing in the world.

So there.

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