There’s a little parenting game I’ve invented lately when I’m up to my ears in poppy diapers and still sporting my pee and spit up soaked clothes from the previous day.
Perhaps it stemmed from my isolation as a momma of two. Or, my low-grade postpartum depression. Or, (most likely) the plethora of lactation cookies laying around the kitchen.
No matter, I’m rather loving this game… and so are my lovely love handles.
The name of the game: cookie dough binge.
The object: Eat as much cookie dough as you can. Bonus points for eating the whole bowl in one day. Double bonus points for eating it in one sitting.
The rules: Try to eat the cookie dough during the 22 times it’s okay for parents to dip into the cookie dough (mentioned below), but you can eat the cookie dough at any other time as well. And, you can give yourself double points in extenuating circumstances.
Extra bonus points for effectively hiding the cookie dough from your kids.
Ok, now here are the 22 times it’s okay for parents to play the game:
1. Your spouse is at work all day leaving you defenseless and outnumbered by kids.
2. The whole family is at home watching a movie on a Saturday night… because it’s good to indulge when you’re relaxed, right?
3. Your kid(s) won’t go down for a nap.
4. It’s been a long morning and your kid(s) finally go down for a nap.
5. Two or more kids are screaming at the same time for no apparent reason.
6. The kids’ screaming is making you want to cry as well.
7. All you get your toddler to eat at lunch is a half of a strawberry and a bite of a cracker.
8. You were not able to eat anything during this time.
9. The Daniel Tiger theme song is on repeat in your head and it’s making you want to throw yourself against the wall.
10. When, for two minutes, the house is perfectly quiet because your toddler is reading a book while your baby is asleep. Okay, maybe only one minute. Hey, that’s one whole minute to shove a spoonful of cookie dough in your mouth.
11. Your house looks like it’s been hit by a wrecking ball but you’re too exhausted to clean.
12. When grandma watches the kids for an hour so that you can clean and you look around at the sparkling, spotless floor without toys scattered everywhere. That calls for a celebratory cookie dough binge!
13. You get to the end of the day and realize you haven’t showered.
14. When you finally get a shower after going so long without one that you can’t even remember the last time you showered. Self-pity scoop of cookie dough, please.
15. You try taking the kids to the park but they melt down because (a) they’re tired, (b) they’re hungry and you forgot to restock the diaper bag snack stash, or (c) you have no idea. Note that this scenario requires that you bring a portable cookie dough container with you wherever you go. Hey, maybe your hungry kid would want some too?
16. When you see the perfectly put together, model-mom and daughter at the park and feel mom guilt creeping in as you look at your toddler whose hair hasn’t been brushed in days and who is also wearing clothes from the previous day.
17. When you finally drop the mom guilt and realize that it doesn’t matter what other people think about you. That is cause for celebration!
18. You’re trying to get out the door because you’re late for an appointment but your toddler is taking 10 minutes to put her shoes on.
19. Said shoes are thrown across the floor in frustration.
20. You can’t figure out why your baby is crying.
21. When your baby is cutting teeth. At least now you have something to blame for the crying.
22. Everyone in the house is sick because Johnny’s mom brought her kid with hand, foot, and mouth to daycare. Not cool.
Speed eating round: Everyone is finally in bed at the end of the day and it’s quiet and you just want a few minutes to yourself. If your kids’ screaming is still echoing in your head, give yourself some bonus points. And take a few more bites of cookie dough.
Parenting is tough and sometimes we have to find our ways to cope like earplugs, screen time, or yes, cookie dough. We’re just doing our part keeping the Girl Scouts in business. But hey, if the cost of having kids is a cookie dough binge every now and then, sign me up for another dozen!.
Please note that I cannot be held responsible for any adverse effects of playing this game, including but not limited to nausea, vomiting, stomach cramps, lethargy, lack of energy to play with your kids, etc.
Have you ever played the game?