It’s a rite of passage into the wonderful world of motherhood. We talk about it, joke about it, and cry about it. We drink from our 48-ounce coffee mugs and wear sleeplessness like the badge of honor that it is—despite the fact that sleep deprivation is a real-life torture device and that our brains are literally shutting down from lack of rest. But never mind all that! You can get through this. And here are 25 signs that you already are:
1. Your YMCA membership is used solely for the availability of childcare. This means hot showers and alone time!
2. Formula or breast milk have ended up in your coffee. (Yes, gross, but not on purpose!)
3a. You pretend you need to poop so you can have a potty-cation in silence.
3b. You think a potty-cation sounds like the best five minutes of your day.
4. Before children, your daydreams were diverse. Now, you have sensual daydreams about the comfort of your bed.
5. You aren’t sure which meal you want because it’s halfway between dinner and breakfast.
6. You fall asleep in the shower. Lying down.
7. You fall asleep in line at Target. Standing up.
8. Your visits to grandma’s look like a hot potato handoff: “Here’s the baby. Where’s the bed?”
9. If you won a million dollars, you would buy sleep. Only sleep.
10. Whenever people ask what you want for Christmas/your birthday/your anniversary/Monday, your first response is “sleep.” When that earns you a laugh, you begrudgingly accept gift cards for coffee.
11. You lose your coffee in the microwave. Six times a day.
12. Sometimes you laugh so hard you cry. Then you actually decide to cry. Then nobody knows what the heck just happened.
13. You aren’t sure if those black spots are bugs on the wall or just your eyes quitting on you after 48 hours of sleep deprivation.
14. You swat at the bugs/spots just to be sure they aren’t real. The Target checkout lady seems concerned, but you don’t care.
17. Huh? Wait, what? What were we talking about?
18. No, I wasn’t sleeping I was just resting my eyes.
19. You are always hungry but never really hungry because all you do is graze throughout the day.
20. Concealer is swallowed up by the black(hole) bags beneath your eyes.
21. You know exactly how long it’s been since you slept by the age of your oldest child.
22. Your favorite person is the one who lets you take a nap. They have no idea how much you passionately love them. (The word “soulmates” comes to mind.)
23. You feel rage toward anyone who brags about sleep, sleeps in front of you, or who even has the nerve to seem well-rested.
24. “Sleep when the baby sleeps” makes you want to punch somebody.
25. You just finished reading this, but your brain was on autopilot and you have no idea what it said. In summary: You’re a sleep deprived mom.