I’ve worn a DD since I was a freshman in high school. I’m well aware that many people notice my large cup size. For some people, this is the first thing they notice about me. But, let me tell you, it’s just not as sexy as some may think. In fact, there are times when it’s just so damn awkward. Let me put some common questions and misconceptions to rest.
1. Let’s talk about (awkward) hugging. Since I’ve had a large cup size for over half my life now, I’ve mastered the skill of avoiding the awkward hug. If we’re going to hug, it’s going to look like we’re lining up for the cancan. It’s called the side-hug. In my mind, an embracing hug means my breasts are smooshed up against your chest. Even more awkward would be if my breasts were smooshed up against other breasts. I’m certain mine would be overpowering. For those who go in for the front hug, I can dislocate my shoulder blades to stop any contact. Over the years, fewer and fewer people hug me. That’s fine.
2. Yes, I can exercise, but you will never see me do a jumping jack, like never. You may see me jogging, but as soon as I can tell it’s getting pornographic, I’m speed-walking.
3. My kids think nothing of big boobs. Recently, I broke up World War III between my sons. I had to physically step into the middle of their brawl and pull my oldest son off of his brother. And a boob fell out. Yep, that happens. Every once in a while, one will just hop out of its house to see what’s going on. Not a just a nipple peeking through, the whole damn boob just comes out to play. My oldest son looked at me and said, “Mom, your shelf is out.” Thanks, Son.
4. Sexy bras vs. supportive bras. Don’t get too excited to go through my bra drawer. I own a variety of colors, but none of them are sexy, embellished, bedazzled bras that it’s assumed I wear. What I want are 2-inch thick straps and an underwire that won’t betray me in the middle of my day by stabbing me. The last thing I need are diamonds on my bra cup; I’ve already got enough going on there. If it says “minimizer,” I’m buying it.
5. Yep, my closet is full of fitted shirts. It’s not because I want your man’s attention, but because I don’t want you to ask how many months pregnant I am. The negative space created from my breasts and my stomach is large; therefore, fitted shirts are the way to go. A button-down shirt is almost always a crisis. I can’t see, unless I lean over my own boobs, to notice when a button has spontaneously popped open. It’s always going to be that one button on the downward angle of my breasts. I won’t see it until I get home and look in the mirror, and you’ll spend the whole day thinking I’m a whore. I love blouses, but again, there is always that one person who sees you and says, “Awe, I didn’t know you were pregnant.”
6. I know you think, “She thinks she’s the shit because she has big boobs.” No, no, I don’t—not at all. I’ve been to two breast reduction consultations. I left both crying. One particular physician actually said, “Why would you do that? Those are cute.” This is not exactly something I signed up for. I would prefer to be more average-sized. And yet there are those extremely awkward women who say things like, “Why don’t you share some with me?” I never know how to respond to this.
7. Why do I always have my cleavage out, you ask? Unless I wear a turtleneck every day, this is impossible to avoid. A scoop-neck shirt generally looks terrible on me, so I opt for the V-neck. I’m not envisioning anything sexual when I do this. It’s just that I think it looks better. That’s all. I do try to keep it under control though. I’ve put basic shirts on that any other woman could wear to her child’s tee-ball game and had to change because I’m not showing up to a G-rated event looking like an NC-17 film.
8. Breast is best, but not for me. People always assume I’m a big proponent of breastfeeding. I’m not. When my milk came in, my breasts went from perfect circles to actual large squares. I stood in front of the mirror and cried. I wrapped myself in ace bandages and vowed that my breasts would never be “functional.”
So, take a minute and forgive that one girl in high school you hated because you were certain she flaunted her big boobs around just to rub it in your face. Let that go. On the other hand, I’m positive that women with a big booty like to twerk beside me because they know I can’t do that and look nearly as sexy. See? Let that go.