Jill Smokler, AKA Scary Mommy
@scarymommy
Latest posts by Jill Smokler, AKA Scary Mommy (see all)
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I hate driving. As a passenger, I drive my husband crazy. I grab the side door dramatically when he changes lanes. I sigh and roll my eyes and keep the car a chilly sixty degrees. I groan “watch out” and “slow down” repeatedly under my breath. And then, there’s the inevitable puking. I don’t remember a time when I didn’t end up horribly carsick– short drives, road trips, front seat, back seat… it doesn’t matter. And I’m not talking about a slightly queasy stomach, but full on upchucking out the window. Not a pretty sight.
Behind the wheel, I’m no better. There is nothing liberating or enjoyable about the act of driving for me. I’ve never blasted Free Falling on the radio and enjoyed the freedom of the open road—for me, it’s simply a way to get from point A to B. I’m not particularly good at it, either. Between my lack of any sense of direction at all and my messed up depth perception, I am pretty unfit driver. Jeff grew accustomed to getting bi-weekly calls from me, lost and clueless, needing him to deliver me home from God knows where. With my new car, we were ecstatic to pay the extra grand to add on a (miraculous) navigation system.
As if my dislike of the road wasn’t bad enough, my children have decided to take on the role of pint sized backseat drivers. The entire ride they shout out, green light! red light! stop! and go! (in between screams, punches and pinches, of course.) They have the nerve to criticize the speed at which I drive, the music I listen to and the games I try to play. And then yesterday, Lily was kind enough to point out that I was parked in a no parking loading zone. I started to explain that sometimes it was OK to break some rules before grumpily moving the car a few blocks away (reading is highly overrated, no?)
I look forward to the day when they get their licenses and I can do less driving. But then again, it will be me who teaches them to drive. That day may never come.
{ 44 comments… read them below or add one }
I think you forgot to mention the invisible brake. I have to use it a lot when my husband drives, because he doesn’t use the brakes right.
And he doesn’t turn on the windshield wipers enough, which drives me up the wall.
I loathe driving. And I have to do it all day with my kids.
Thankfully my kids mostly ignore me when we are driving…unless we are at a drive thru where they like to yell out things when I am ordering.
I can’t exactly relate to your having no sense of direction, but I can sympathize. I used to HATE to ride anywhere with my friend Liz. She could lose her way faster than you can say turn here. She’d pull into a gas station for gas and then forget which way she was going when pulling out. She is the reason I have prematurely gray hair. :) And why she rides with me now whenever we go anywhere together!!
Oh, the carsick thing is absolutely HORRIFIC. And for whatever reason, it gets worse as you get older! How much does THAT blow (chunks)? I so sympathize with you on that one. Look at it this way: barfing into the wind is FANTASTIC revenge on all the shitty drivers out there. :)
Here is a typical day in my car.
3 yr old – c’mon peeeeople!!! GO!!!
the baby – wed yite, Goooooo.
Thats when theyre being good. The rest of the time they are beating eachother in the back seat.
I don’t mind the driving, but I hate road trips!
Ahh, the dreaded bastard child backseat driver. My 5-year old questions my driving decisions constantly, particulary when turning right. He just doesn’t understand that it’s okay to turn right on a red…freaking nazi.
I’ll come drive with ya. I’ve gotten better in the 11 yrs since I’ve been married to the Man Beast. I’ve gotten a lot better trusting him and his driving, too. Although there are those times – maybe a woman’s need to feel in control at all times?
Oh I cannot wait to meet your hubby. This should be fun.
Oy, that Lily…
LOL..too funny! I get car sick as well…but it is better when I drive. We are going to the Mountains for Christmas and I am sooooo not looking forward to all of those curvy mountain roads!! **Barf**
Thanks for your comment on my Reese’s cake…it is pure EVIL
I was just talking to my older kids today about how I need to get that book for my middle son to study to get his learner’s. We have all been dreading this one driving. There will be puking.
So I am guessing that you don’t go out much with such a queasy stomach?
Also, we have a rule, my car I drive. Since the whole family only fits in the van, I ALWAYS drive.
dude, i love driving and the “freedom of the open road” and blasting music when it’s just me in the car. when the kids are in the car, i loathe driving.
but i don’t get carsick. that must suck!
You poor girl!
(the car sick part..) I will tell my kids to walk if they don't like the way I am driving… (I am mean like that…) & no one touches the radio either…. I sound fun don't I?
hahah I really hate driving ANYWHERE. but I hate even more being the passenger because I can be such an ass. ;)
Haha, I’m always using the invisible brake! It’s like my leg can’t help it!
Oh, wow. I can relate. Luckily, my daughters are too little to backseat drive, but I fear it is coming! Great post!
OH, I can SO relate to the carsick thing. I actually get motion sick, so planes, boats – you name it – do it to me. I can take seasick pills nowadays which work GREAT but you don’t want to do that for a short drive. Another thing I have found that works great is those Seaband Bracelets. They use accupressure against your wrists and definitely help. They are not expensive and you can buy them at any drugstore – you might want to get a set to slip on in the car. Can’t hurt to try. Let us know if they work for you!
I think one of the things my husband and I argue about most consistently is that I am completely unable to keep my mouth shut when he’s driving. He detests it, but I just can’t control myself.
Love the gripping the passenger door image. And right, when the kids are driving it will be sooo much more stress not less!
I totally stumbled this post!
Carissa @mommygossip-gno
There is a lot to be said for walking, huh? :)
That sounds just like me.
For some reason my husband’s driving seems to get worse (in my mind) and make me clutch the handle in more fear when we are on our way to the in-laws–can you tell I love going there???
When I win the lottery I am hiring a driver.
Bram has started yelling, “cop, mommy, watch out! Cop!” Like I am out on the lamb or something.
Startles me more than anything.
I am not a good passenger. My husband gets way too close to the cars in front of him. Changes lanes without looking. Ignores brake lights. It all makes me nuts. But I just try to nap. Because I really don’t want to drive.
However, I have some sort of strange internal GPS. I can always figure out where I need to go…
I’m sorry, you had me cracking up while feeling bad for you too! But you are the 1st person I ever heard admit they were a bad driver. I admire that!!!
If you ever need to loose 5 lbs and increase your blood pressure to that of a CEO/triage nurse, drive with Dummy in the Corvette.
After sweating out a ride like that, you will kiss the ground upon arrival at the destination.
Also, might I suggest duct tape? That’ll take care of your mini-backseat-drivers … “C’mon kids! Buckle up and let mommy get the duct tape on you :)”
My friend Linda is a terrible back seat driver. She drives me crazy. But hey, you won’t have to teach your kids cause there’s a wonderful thing called Sears Driving School!
do you know that I got really bad panic attacks when I drove while living in metro DC? Once we moved back to Mass. I was much better, but give me a good traffic jam or a scary road rager behind me and I’ll freak out, stop the car and walk.
I’ve never seen drivers as bad as they in metro DC…..girl be careful there…there are some insane drivers there.
oh sweet jesus don’t wish for that day. It’s a whole OTHER kind of hell.
:-)
Yes yes…I am right there with you. I hang on to the “oh s#@*” handle for dear life when riding with the hubs…doesn’t mean he drives bad…just that I am crazy…not that you’re crazy…but the puking thing is a little crazy! God bless ya’!
I’m with you. I hate driving and especially here in Germany on the Autobann. It’s crazy!
don’t rush to have them drive themselves…it’s a whole other set of worries…trust me on this one.
how about a quiet contest for the next car ride?
I detest driving, so I make my boyfriend drive everywhere. I have to lay off the backseat driving in case he gets fed up and makes me drive myself, though.
I only have become carsick when I was pregnant and I love driving. I’ll load up all the kids and we’ll just go somewhere for the sake of getting out. It will be nice for you when science finally gets a hang of transporters. LOL. I liked your post.
I consider myself a good driver. But I have little patiece for everyone else on the road. My kids hear the best of my potty mouth in the car…
Hey fellow "Will & Grace-r" ( :-> )
I know what you mean.
I have issues with driving. I always fear the worst.
And when my hubby drives I'm always looking out the passenger window… I just don't wanna look.
Oh my gosh, you continuously crack me up! I still get queasy as a passenger and I am the WORST backseat driver ever. My husband just told me the other day that my driving advice “could seriously become a problem between us”. The next weekend I watched from the backseat as he missed the correct exit twice on our trip to Philadelphia with friends…even with the GPS. Now that was absolutely priceless. All we could do was smile secretly at each other. No words were necessary.
you poor dear – my nephew gets car sick all the time – it’s terrible – he starts retching – and it gets everyone else going!!!!
I the same way! Only I yell JOE when I think he doesn’t see a car…he always yells back, WHAT? too funny. It’s like a reflex…and totally sucks. I just recently started getting car sick. I’m blaming it on peri-menopause. works for me. I blame everything on that now LOL. With gratitude, laurie b.
When your kids learn to drive, you will not be doing less driving, unless you’re willing to do more puking. I don’t suppose the bus is any better? Do you barf from the elevator as well? How about walking around the block? Does THAT make you sick? What if you were to walk around and around and around and around the block? Would THAT make you sick?
Yeah, I am SO the queen of car sickness. I don’t remember the last time I road in the back seat. Instant nausia.
So I drive. I am lucky enough to have pretty good navagtion skills, I almost always know what direction I am going in. And I don’t get sick driving. So I am the driver. Always. Unless you gota barf bag nearby…
Feisty
That is too too funny!!!
I totally agree with the whole bad passenger thing. I suck. People hate driving with me. Haha.
I’m pretty sure a road trip is out of the question for us…