Jill Smokler, AKA Scary Mommy
@scarymommy
Latest posts by Jill Smokler, AKA Scary Mommy (see all)
- Insane Works of Sandwich Art - May 19, 2013
- The Disney Reveal - May 14, 2013
- Met My Match At Disney… - May 13, 2013
While avoiding PTA meetings and extracurricular activities, Emily is raising 4 sons with her husband, St. Joel, in suburban monotony. She chronicles the everyday humor found in being a Laundress, Referee and Inventory Control Manager at 16 Balls in the Air with her friend Lib, who also has 4 sons.
It’s shiny and sparkly. I’m not even sure how many small diamonds surround the large diamond in the center, taken from her engagement ring. It’s beautiful. Really, it is. It was my idea. An exquisite, custom made pendant I can wear every day for the rest of my life. Really?!?! My mom died and all I got was this lousy necklace.
My mom died. It is still unsettling to say more than a year later. One day shy of her 68th birthday and a couple months after I turned 38 at the height of “My Great-Husband-4 Kids-Happy-Life Show”, I lost my audience.
Who am I supposed to call when the boys have good (or bad) report cards? Or create a Sharpie mural on the living room wall? Who else is going to care (or pretend to care) as much as I do about the preschooler’s role as a third row shepherd in the Christmas pageant? Someday at four grandson’s weddings, their grandmother won’t be there. It really sucks.
What I need is my mom, not the Enjoy Life and Don’t Take People for Granted lesson. I learned that from her every step of the way. My parents threw band parties in the back yard every 4th of July. My mom danced on stage with me at my wedding. She para-sailed at the beach on a dare from her oldest grandson. She cradled my first three boys within minutes of their birth. She held my hand before my cancer surgery and was there waiting when I woke up. I got it. Loud and clear. Thank you very much.
My closest friend was always there, until she wasn’t. We were always close (excluding the early ’80’s). As long as I can remember, we talked on the phone most days at least once, if not several times. We tried email, but we always had too much to talk about to type it all. I told her everything. Probably way more than she wanted to hear.
She is the reason I am tough, determined and fearless. Why I say exactly what I think even if it gets me in trouble. Why I am morally against using disposable plates at the dinner table and plastic cups for cocktails. Because of her, I have everything I have. Because of her, I am who I am. Today, I am most grateful that I am my mother’s daughter.
She always knew I loved her and I always knew she loved me. She was proud of me and I knew it. I was proud of her and thankfully I told her before. Before she died and all I got was this lousy necklace.
{ 65 comments… read them below or add one }
Wonderful tribute to her mom.
Joanie recently posted..A wacky day! chick flicks and no complaints!
I enjoyed that, wonderful homage.
Anthony recently posted..A Private Masters’ Class on Emotional Intelligence for your Three-Year-Old
That was utterly beautiful and brought tears to my eyes so early this morning.
Gigi recently posted..Its a wonder I dont drink more
Thank you for sharing your story. It’s wonderful that you were so close to your mom and were able to experience so many important moments with her. You’ve made me realize that I often don’t value my mom enough.
Christine (Cook the Story) recently posted..When Does Food Taste THE BEST Part 5- When Someone Else Does the Cooking
This is a wonderful and touching post, and it perfectly illustrates the fact that, sometimes, anger can be beautiful. I’m so sorry that you lost your Mum.
I, and I’m sure many other readers, feel the same way about my Mum, and your writing has given me a knot in my stomach. Not in an “I’m going to lose her” way, but in a “I should make the most of her” way. I’m sure your Mum would be proud that you’d made us sit up and think about this.
What an amazing post and one I can so relate to. The title made me smile..i wear my moms necklace every day. My son plays with it and says that is grandmas. He’s never met her and never will. You said it the way my family and i always do.. It sucks. Thanks for writing this. From one motherless mom to another..x
sara recently posted..The Moomstertwo years later
Beautiful post and such a heartfelt tribute to your mom. I became a “motherless daughter” at the age of 19. I hate it when people say “it’s been 26 years… you should be over it.” No, I will never be over it. I will allow myself time to be sad, or down when she isn’t here to experience or share with me milestones in my life we are both missing w/o her here.
And yes, I get the comment about the lousy necklace. I look at those items I received from my mother as “the booby prizes.”
Thanks. Just what I needed this morning–watery eyes before I’ve finished my first cup of coffee. Seriously though, I am sorry for your loss and thank you for so beautifully sharing this part yourself.
In the same vain, January is a royally crappy month in this house as will. Yesterday was the 25th anniversary of my Hubby’s father. All he got from him were some baseball cards and a complete disillusionment of religion and God.
Eleven years ago his step-father fell ill and died a few weeks later. We got some kick-ass tools and an outdated tuxedo from him.
And tomorrow will mark the 1st anniversary since we lost my Hubby’s 2nd step-father and our Kiddo’s beloved Grandpapa. His entire wardrobe was bestowed upon Hubby, who just wasn’t up for dressing like a Gilligan’s Island reject, so we passed our inheritance along to Goodwill.
January sucks for many people I suppose.
Vinobaby recently posted..Thrift Store Shopaholic
This is a beautiful post, and a touching tribute to your mother! Although it is impossible to ever fill that void she left, you are indeed lucky that you had the kind of mom who was a joyful part of your life when she was alive, and that you have so many incredible memories of her. So I hope it makes sense when I say I am both happy and sad for you.
Michele – The Professional Family Manager recently posted..Failure to Plan on Your Part… Or How I Said No and Lived to Tell the Tale
Beautiful, just beautiful. Sounds like you got a lot more than the lousy necklace! {{hugs}}
What a beautiful post. I’m sitting here, dabbing at my eyes while I type. I’m so sorry for your loss. I relate so much to the line about having someone in your life who cares as much as you do about every little thing involving the kids. I can’t imagine when I pick up the phone to tell my mom that one of the boys is starring in his class play…and she’s not there. So sorry.
Lori Stefanac (Lola) recently posted..See I Don’t Have to Yell
I was 33. I miss her every, single, day. My kids were 2, 6 weeks old, and 5 years later my youngest was born. I won’t even tell you how long it was before I quit walking to the phone to call her–to brag about her grandkids that she didn’t get to know.
I completely understand your post.
“at the height of “My Great-Husband-4 Kids-Happy-Life Show”, I lost my audience” <– this statement is when I started to cry. That is so true our moms are our audience…our true audience. They really care about all the little things that only others pretend to care about. Maybe others do care but not nearly as much as our mommies. I am so sorry you lost your mom. I am sure she is still looking down on you every day with the same proud mama smile. Thank you for writing this.
Beautiful post. My mom is the reason that I am strong and independent. She taught me how to be a good mom and I love her dearly for it. Thanks for the post.
myevil3yearold recently posted..Why I am Supermom
What a touching post! I’m sorry for your loss.
liz recently posted..I Promise I Wasn’t Stealing from the ATM!
Yeah.
I lost my mom in September. We were just starting to patch up our relationship that had been rough for a couple years. While I mourn that lost time, it also made it (slightly, microscopically) easier just because she was not so omnipresent as she would have been in the past.
lovely, heartfelt post
Brook @ To Be Dancing recently posted..Eight
This is an amazingly beautiful tribute to your mother. I wish I had your mom. I wish to be the kind of mom your mother was.
Thank you for sharing.
Maija @ Maija’s Mommy Moments recently posted..The Average Mommy’s Guide to Temper Tantrums
Lovely post. I sometimes come home to find my ‘patsy’ mopping my kitchen floors. I will hug my mum next time I see her.
I dread the day when I lose my mom. I love how Emily puts it: she lost her audience. That’s totally how I will feel, too.
Lynn from For Love or Funny recently posted..Our marital conflict has reached epic proportions
Beautiful post! Tear jerker!!
I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m going to go hug my mom today.
Megan (Best of Fates) recently posted..I Love To Fly But Only Inside Planes
Thank you and I’m sorry for your loss, just don’t seem like enough. Especially when it’s your mom. But that’s all I can say.
It’s so well said, the part about the minutiae not being applauded by your front row fan. I’m positive she’s still your biggest fan…I can hear her applause in between the words of this post!
Hugs!
Lib recently posted..Guest Post
Beautiful post. My mom died 7 years ago and it’s still difficult. Your post put into words so beautifully why it’s been so difficult for me. I got her wedding rings but I would rather have her.
This post cracked my heart open. I speak to my mom every day (at least) and our bond is as close as yours was. I, too, feel like she’s my audience. And the only one who truly has my back. She’s very ill now, and your post hit all the right notes–the fear, the anger, the wrenching loss.
Wish I could say that I hope this never happens to me…but reality is different. My mom has helped me through a lot in the last year. I have no idea what I would have done without her. She and my best friend are my “greatest audience” (love that term!). Your blog touched me…and I’m about to send it to my mother! :)
Meghan recently posted..Show & Tell- NieNie Asks – Whats Your January Workout
March will be nine years without my Dad and it is still every bit as painful as then. The only difference, the only consolation (if you can call it that) is that you get used to the pain. You nurse it and keep it around and hold it close, because with the pain comes the memories and really memories are all that you have that matters.
I’m sorry for your loss. Really, truly sorry.
Jennifer recently posted..Tonight
I wish I had some words of wisdom, but I don’t. My father passed Aug. 4, 2009, and I still can’t talk about it out loud. He was the one I called whenever life seemed too difficult to navigate. I’m so very sorry for your loss.
The Military Life recently posted..Ordinary
What a tribute to your mother, very touching. I know it is hard and that you miss her, but at least you had her for a time.
Michelle Saunderson recently posted..Do You Belong to a Subculture
Heartbreaking. But a wonderful tribute to your mom. It sounds like she was strong and full of life. I’m sorry for your loss and hope you find comfort in your memories. [[hug]]
Ally recently posted..Maybe You Should Write It Down
Awesome post! I’m calling my mom right now.
Pass the tissues, please! You are very fortunate, sister! Love it….and you!!!!!!
Kim recently posted..Something Quite Beautiful
It was a lovely post.. even though it made me cry (and I hate crying especially over my cereal). So sorry for your lost!
Zeemaid recently posted..Waste-Free Lunches – Review and Giveaway
I am so sorry for your loss, and appreciate the honesty in your writing. That is probably something your mom can take credit for too – raising a daughter courageous enough to share feelings that resonate for all of us. She sounds like she was a wonderful woman.
When we lost my wonderful father in law 2.5 years ago, the first year was the worst. It slowly gets better, but there are still moments that I weep for missing him – and he wasn’t even my dad. I just try to be thankful in those moments for a connection that was so strong that it lingers on after death, dry my tears, and keep going. We all walk that path together – and maybe we can fill in the empty seats in your “My Great-Husband-4 Kids-Happy-Life Show” audience.
EVERYONE’S COMMENTS MEAN MORE THAN YOU KNOW.
THANK YOU.
Em recently posted..Guest Post
Excellent. Your mother sounds absolutely wonderful. You probably don’t need the She Lives on in You lesson either but, clearly, she does.
Regardless, yeah. Loss sucks big time. I think that only means she meant that much to you in the first place. It truly was a beautiful tribute.
Kimberly Hosey (Arizona Writer) recently posted..The butterfly effect at Boyce Thompson Arboretum also the Gila monster-vulture-hummingbird effect
Brought me to tears…I often wonder what I’ll be like after I lose my Mom. I am so glad you had as much time with her as you did, but know that you’ll miss her every single day. Thank you so much for sharing with us.
Rebecca @ Unexplained X2 recently posted..Makes My Monday- RUN!!!!
This broke my heart, beautifully written.
I am very sorry for your loss. To have such a close bond with your mother that was truly something. Your mom sounds like such a wonderful lady and you are keeping her memories alive by sharing this with us. Thank you.
subWOW recently posted..Saturday Smörgåsbord
i want to go home and hug my mom right now and tell her how much i love an appreciate her! thank you.
Ahhhh…I get it! My mom died when she was 64 and I got her ring too! Haven’t made it into a necklace yet but I wrote a post about this just the other week entitled in which you always need your mom. I’m sorrynfor your loss. It’s been 14 years for me TOMORROW! It does get easier to bear though…the pain I mean.
It sucks to lose your mom. My mom died when I was about to embark on my college career. She was 3 weeks shy of her 52nd birthday and I was 18. She never met my husband or my children, hell my father was gone by then too.
Life goes on but there will always be the empty space where she should have been.
Being a motherless daughter is hard. I wish you hugs and love.
I can so relate……………..My Mom died almost 6 yrs ago and she was only 60. I have 3 boys who will never have her at their graduations or weddings. One never even got to meet her as he was born (I still think she sent him to us :) 10 months after she passed away.
Such a beautiful post. I am in tears because probably the biggest fear i have is losing my mother.
Christine recently posted..Third Times a Charm
Lost my Mom at 27, my first child was 4months old, that was 16 years ago, it still hurts. The what ifs…the pretend moments I make up in my head…the longing for reconciliation…I dream about her all the time. Bless you for your honesty.
Christine recently posted..It only took 7 months
Such a great way to honor your mom in this post.
Yes.
I lost my mom 6 years ago, before I was a mom myself (she was 53, I was 27). I needed her for so much longer. I miss her every day. The ache, it eases as time goes on. But the loss? It is forever.
“The loss is not yours alone, she said & you will see it in their eyes when they do not think you are watching. How long does it take? I said & she put her hand on my chest & we did not speak.”
(Story People, Brian Andreas).
I am as close with my mother now as you were and I can’t begin to fathom losing mine one day. I’m so sorry for your loss.
Wonderful tribute to your mom. I lost mine 7 years ago this past Christmas when I was 33, and my dad 2-1/2 years ago at 37. You never really get over that, just learn to live with the pain, and like another poster said, keep the pain close so you can hug it a little.
Hugs,
Caryl
I too lost my Mom at a very young age – as well as my Dad and younger sister – all at a young age. It is hard – no doubt about it. However, I agree with Ava’s comment: you definitely got so much more than a necklace from that relationship and hopefully all those wonderful memories will end up providing you strength in the future. Hugs!
Kim recently posted..Thanks Mom & Spread the Hugs!
What a beautiful post and one that I relate to so well as I sit here playing with my mom’s necklace that has hung on my neck since she died 10 years ago. YOu summed it up so well – it sucks. Massively sucks. From one motherless mom to another…I hug you!
Sara recently posted..Out of the mouths of babes
Cancer took my mom, leaving me bereft and alone with a new career, a (fairly) new but loving husband and my first daughter. She was barely 57 and I not 30. That was more than 30 years ago and I am still waiting for the void in my heart to fill and the tears to stop. I cried when she wasn’t there for the birth of my second baby, the hard won successes of my career, my girls’ marriages and the births of her greatgrandchildren. I take her with me every day in everything I do; I’ll never stop missing her. I thank you for the eloquent statement of how we all feel who have lost the comfort and support of the amazing women who were our moms.
What a heart warming tribute to your mom ….
Thank you for sharing your deepest thoughts, and with such wonderful, bittersweet humor, to boot!
Deepest sympathy to you ~~~
Thank you for your sweet words.
-Em
http://www.16ballsintheair.com
Em recently posted..Things I love about my 8 year old
This post brought such memories back for me. I lost my mom 6 years ago after a massive stroke. She had just turned 57 and I was only 28. After she died I got her beautiful emerald ring and just like you I look at it and just sigh. Its a ring. Whoopdedoo…I’d rather have my mom.
Sending you a big hug today.
This made me cry…and I still have my Mom. Be assured she knows how much she means to me…and my grown daughter knows too. But someday things will change and I’ll miss and be missed. I hope I have someone saying it so well.
Tina Sutherland recently posted..Delineator Magazine – 1888 Ladies Evening Costumes
This made me cry! I have such an amazing mom but her health is failing and I know she is not going to be around forever. This is a great reminder to tell her how much I lover her… Thanks for sharing!
Amira recently posted..Ginger- Garlic White Fish
I can relate to this but I lost my mom when I was 18 and she had just turned 53 the day before her death from cancer. I still miss her everyday and now 14 years later I have become a mom and only found out she didn’t breast feed as she found it painfull. I wish my daughter could meet her granny and I could ask my mother for advice. I will tell my daughter about her wonderful gandmother, but it doesn;t help that my dad remarried and she wants to be a granny to my daughter, she only has one chikd herself and there is little chance her daughter will have children. I got my mothers jewelry too as I was her only daughter, I hope to pass it on to my daughter but I would rather have my mom around then some objects.
I didn’t have to read too much before the tears came. I also lost my mum, but 4,5 years ago. 7 weeks prior to my daughter being born. I still want to pick up the phone and talk, ask her questions and have a good laugh with her. I miss her every day and that never goes away I think. I also got a necklace, but this one was her finger print set in gold done prior to her passing as her last gift to me and my sister. When I miss her, I put my finger on her finger print and I feel like she is still with me. I love this post, great tribute to your mum.
I am also a motherless( and fatherless) daughter. My mom did when I was 18. She was 51. She only danced at 1 daughters wedding out of 6 kids. I miss her everyday. She never met my husband or children but I feel her presence alot.
This was a beautiful tribute and many hugs out to the motherless that are out there raising our children without our main cheerleader.
Happy mothers day.
I am in the same position, having lost my mom last summer. I agree about the phone calls; at each new achievement made by my children, my initial urge is to call my mom, who appreciated wvry big and little thing they do. I miss my mom too.
You have more then just a necklace, you have all these wonderful memories of your mother. My mother died when I was 12. I have almost no memories of her at all but I do have a necklace.
hi my mom died a couple days ago and im 12…..she died when i was 12 too…..how did u get through all the girl stuff?…..email me at jesshoptink@stny.rr.com :(
My mom died too. She never got to see her 3 beautiful grand daughters wed, meet the grooms, or meet her 8 beautiful greatgrandkids. My dad died too.
I miss ‘em.
Oh, and I got to pay for their funerals.