My Own Personal Porn: HGTV – Scary Mommy

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My Own Personal Porn: HGTV

I’ve never been into porn—for real, I swear! I’ve never paid for those special adult-only TV channels even in a hotel room, and my laptop browsing history is totally and completely PG. Why pay for that old-school porn when you can get the new and improved (and totally and completely PG!) version for free?

Just turn to channel 665 (that’s HGTV in HD, at least on my television) and you’ll see what I mean. You’ll get sucked into the world of one-of-a-kind soapstone island countertops, clean lines of subway tile backsplashes, mismatched pegged board floors in welcoming foyers and custom built shoe shelves nestled into walk-in closets that are more beautiful and organized than the Cousins on Call kitchens. Don’t get me started on the closets. I could go on and on. I can’t get enough.


Hours of my life get sucked away late into the night as I watch with bated breath to see if the adorable family of three (soon to be four with one on the way!) will Love It or List It. I usually say love it. How can you not drool over the transformation of that cold damp basement into what appears to be a state of the art game room, home office, guest room and full bathroom? I mean, come on!

I’m also hopelessly in lust with the Property Brothers’ magical transformation of a 1970s dated Cape Cod fixer-upper into the dream home for the bright-eyed commuting couple who want to be close to the city and still have space for the dogs, an in-home yoga studio and a music room. All of that and on a budget that I believe would buy me a sensible new HVAC system—maybe. Not to mention the unbelievable and drool-worthy short time frame in which the Property Brothers can make it all happen. Let’s just say that it’s comparable to the time it took me to clean out my garage last spring.

Although I don’t always agree with all of the choices of some of my favorite porn (I mean HGTV) stars, I am still equally smitten and obsessed with their creations. Media rooms, three-car garages and custom fire pits don’t exactly do it for me, but they may just be someone else’s pleasure, and I can respect that.


I know I’m not alone. A recent girls’ night out with my friends from college prompted a way too long discussion of our latest late-night viewing pleasures. Some of the girls even turned me on to new vices like Rehab Addict and Fixer Upper. Have you seen what the Addict can do to resurface a fireplace? That shouldn’t be legal.

I know there are better things that I could be doing with my time, but there are also worse things, right? So for now, I’ll just keep on watching with pleasure until the House Hunters find that perfect bungalow within walking distance of the water and the park and well below budget, of course. Works for me.