Somer Rayne
Latest posts by Somer Rayne (see all)
- Not Breastfeeding - May 19, 2011
I am not breastfeeding. I did not, and I will not.
Period.
There, I said it. Hold your fire. I’m sure there are women (and probably some men) out there gasping and shaking their heads. You know what – I don’t care.
This is the first time I have said those four words with such finality. It’s usually said quickly, eyes down, flinching under the weight of judgment.
As Pumpkin approaches her first birthday, happy and healthy, I have finally reached the point where I am okay with our decision and I don’t owe anyone an explanation for that.
Actually, let me back up. My first statement is not entirely true. I did breastfeed. For five weeks. I tried to breastfeed anyway. Pumpkin and I spent those first five weeks crying and staring at each other, bleary-eyed and confused. She was constantly hungry. I was constantly wondering if she was getting any nourishment at all. Hubby just sat by helplessly watching the two loves of his life get increasingly weaker, more miserable, and more hopeless.
But I wouldn’t give up. I had read all of the information out there from the AAP, the La Leche breastfeeding mother Nazis, and all the other internet gurus with the requisite qualifications to post on an anonymous blog. I was convinced that I was a terrible, selfish, unloving wench completely undeserving of a child if I did not sacrifice everything to breastfeed for at least the first year (if not two). I knew, somehow, that I was being judged as a mother just for the mere fact that I had googled the phrase “switching the formula.”
Eventually we surrendered. The way Pumpkin voraciously attacked the first formula bottle I offered and then proceeded to double her birth weight almost overnight, I knew that she was going to be okay. But was I?
For the last 50 or so weeks I have secretly beat myself up over this decision. I beat myself up despite the fact that I may actually have the healthiest and the happiest baby on Earth. This isn’t just my biased assessment – daycare workers, doctors, other family members and even strangers confirm this for me on an almost daily basis.
Although she is healthy and happy, she does still get ear infections, and lots of them. We have even had to get tubes and she still gets infections. In my obsessive google-polling of every idiot with a WiFi connection, I have “heard” that I could have prevented this suffering by breastfeeding. So the self-beatings continued. If there was any way I could have tried again, I probably would have, even though it probably still wouldn’t have been the right decision for us. Unfortunately, that well had run dry many weeks ago. I was all but convinced that I actually was that terrible selfish person that the boob-pushing moms thought I was.
But now, as we prepare to celebrate one year together, Pumpkin and I are both standing up for ourselves. Her literally, as she is just learning to walk; and me, figuratively, as I know I am not a bad or selfish mother and I also know that our decision was the right one for us. While I won’t presume to love my child more than any other mother, I will say that I absolutely love her as much as any other mother, regardless of whether they are human milk machines or not. I love her unconditionally, endlessly, and fiercely. I would spare no expense and would give any part of myself for her health and happiness. For us, that part of me just wasn’t providing those things for her.
And I didn’t quit breastfeeding for selfish reasons. I didn’t do it so I could sip martinis or stay out (either at clubs or in the land of nod) all night. I was worried sick about her milk intake. Some of that was probably crazy-first-time-mommy-post-partum-sleep-deprived freaking, but it was freaking nonetheless and it was taking away from the joys of those first few weeks together. I wanted to breastfeed because people told me I should. She just wanted to be fed and loved. At that time in our lives, those two desires were just incompatible and she won. Our house became a different place with the very first sip from the bottle and I won’t apologize for that and I do not regret it.
None of this is not to say that if we have another baby in the future we won’t try again and, maybe, future baby and I will have a different take on the whole thing. But for me and my Pumpkin, it just wasn’t right and I refuse to spend any more time regretting it or blaming myself for the inevitable ails of her childhood. Either way, Pumpkin is never going to remember where her first milk came from, but she will always know that she is loved without question and she will never want for anything I can provide her.
And besides, it’s Hubby who had ear infections as a child so, obviously that is his fault.
{ 134 comments… read them below or add one }
Thank you for writing this post, I was in the same boat as you. I made the decision not to breastfeed as well and it wasn’t for selfish reasons either. I did give it a try, I was under a lot of stress and I wasn’t producing enough for my son. He lost a couple of pounds and I was worried about his weight and not getting enough nourishment. I did everything I could to produce milk but it just wasn’t working for us. Like you, if I do have another child I may give it another try.
I totally can relate on this. I tried breastfeeding but I failed. I switched on formula after two weeks because of the same reasons you have. I felt awful and irresponsible but I love them and can’t bear to see them crying out of hunger. I disregard what others have to say, afterall, my kids are so healthy now. :)
When my daughter (now a little over two) was born, I fought tooth-and-nail to breastfeed her. She was only five pounds and some change at birth, with moderate jaundice, and she lost more than 10% of her birth weight in the first week, then did not increase as hoped. Her pediatrician (who was actually MY pediatrician, years ago) insisted I start supplementing with formula. And after spending 45 minutes to an hour every two to three hours with her latched to me, only to spend that same amount of time feeding her a bottle immediately afterward, I was exhausted. I pumped as much as I could, and after draining both sides, I’d have a total of two or three ounces (I once got four and cried because I was so happy I could give her a full bottle). After a few months of this, my meager breastmilk supply was actually dwindling, and I finally gave up and switched her solely to formula. And she thrived. She (knock on wood) has never had so much as a cold, is now beginning to read, knows her entire alphabet, can count (to ten while distracted, to twenty if she’s focused), and according to her pediatrician, she speaks at the level of the average four-year-old. I’ve been criticized for not sticking it out (I’m a young mom, too, which apparently gives everyone justification for analyzing my parenting skills), but I can honestly say I am happy I didn’t waste any more time or energy stressing over something that wasn’t working. Breastfeeding didn’t go any more smoothly with my son (now one year), and when I realized how much stress it was causing both of us, I switched over to formula without the heartbreak I experienced with my little girl. I will continue to attempt breastfeeding with any children I may have in the future (fingers crossed that my boobs decide to get their act together), but I have learned that formula is not the end of the world. Thank you for being a voice for us formula-feeding moms!
Love this post! I relate to the entire thing from the actual breastfeeding dilemma to the google-to-the-rescue mentality.
You know what I think? Screw the breastfeeding Nazi’s! You’re the mommy!!
I can relate, Oh how I can relate!
Love this post and am a big supporter of moms deciding what is right for them and baby. I had to laugh at the ear infections prevented by breast milk and give you a little piece of mind there since I have three children and breastfed each one exclusively for 6 months and then continued to breastfeed two of them for almost 6 more months after introducing solids. ALL THREE OF THEM HAVE TUBES. My youngest still gets ear infections too even with the tubes in (are you using ear plugs in the tub/pool?) – and I breastfed her the longest! I could single-handedly disprove the breast milk prevents ear infections theory. My advice is to continue to blame it on your husband because that’s likely much closer to the truth.
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I was asked over and over by people (women) if I was breastfeeding my newborn son. I would simply say, “no, I’m not”. Never angrily, never with an attitude, but so often was met with a backlash of how I was really doing him a disservice, blah, blah, blah. It actually would have been rather difficult for me to breastfeed as instead of a 9 month prep time, we had 3 days notice before I became a mom. Once when I told a woman that I didn’t because our son was adopted, she went on a rant about how she read somewhere that “even women who adopt” can breastfeed if they take hormone shots (for months I might add–remember we had 3 days notice) etc etc. People need to mind their own damn business and let me ruin my child’s life like any other good mother :-)
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I LOVE that last line! Perfect! lol
Same thing happened to me. Spent the first two months of my son’s life doing nothing but feeding and pumping and cleaning the supplies so I could start feeding and pumping again. I didn’t actually get a chance to enjoy my baby because it was so stressful. When I changed to formula it was like a huge weight was lifted from my shoulders.
It’s true that breastfeeding is natural and women have been doing it for thousands of years. But there have also been lots of babies who died and lots of wetnurses so… you know.
I had the exact same experience with my first child. It was awful and for the first time in my life I had a mental breakdown. I tried everything and was so sad when I finally “gave up”. But like your little girl mine turned out healthy, happy, and perfect. I then learned early on to ignore people who judge because eff them they have there own issues.
But to give some encouragement for your second one when my second daughter was born I went into thinking “ok I will try but it doesn’t work out I am ok with that” and I even told people they are not allowed to come to my house if they felt the need to express their breastfeeding opinions. However, to my surprise my little peanut latched right on with no issues. I was totally shocked.
I believe all moms need to make the choices that work for them. period. Everyone else worry about your own kids!
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oh honey. Not only did not breastfeed, i didn’t take the class, didn’t try once, and did not feel guilty for a nano second. I say without any shame or embarrassment that I didn’t breastfeed because it grosses me out and I pretty much choose to view my breasts as my two favorite accessories and nothing more. My kid was and is healthy and happy as a clam. Going with formula is just not the tragedy that people want to make it out to be.
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Actually, this whole attitude IS a tragedy. There is absolutely nothing gross about providing your child nourishment. As someone who nursed all three children for one year, I AM judgemental about people who could have breastfed and didn’t. I’m sorry, but you did your children a disservice – period.
Erin- who are you or any one else to say what is right for a family? Breastfeeding was the best decision FOR YOU. Not breastfeeding was the best decsion for Saucy B and myself. I refuse to feel guilt over it. I LOVE MY CHILDREN JUST AS MUCH AS A BREASTFEEDING MOTHER. This is NOT the only way to show love for your child. Why are mother’s so hard on each other and so judgemental of each other? Whether we breastfeed, work outside the home, co-sleep, eat organic, discipline, etc, etc, etc. We are all doing what we feel is best and dammit, it is a hard job. Frankly, I am tired of defending myself. I do not judge your decisions, so why judge mine?
A tragedy is the earthquake in Japan, kids straving around the world, kids dying of terrible diseases, kids being unloved and mistreated.
A tragedy is not a loving mother choosing to not breastfeed or not being able to.
Not loving your kids, not protecting them, now that is what I would call a disservice, not simply making the right choice for you and your family.
Judgement comes back to bite you in the ass everytime.
Holly Taylor recently posted..Simple
I never understood why women torture themselves and feel guilty over not breastfeeding–until I had my kids. The guilt over my trouble nursing my first was enormous. I tried consultants, pumps, herbs, etc. In the end, I did my best at doing my best– when my twins were born I knew I wasn’t going to try as hard. Formula made my life easier and made their mommy a little less frantic and crazy. Just a little. Thanks for the post!
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AMEN, Sister. You just told my tale. Thank you.
I went through the same thing. My son is now a happy, healthy, 7 1/2 yr old and I still catch hell from the Breastfeeding Nazis for “giving up to early.” My life. My child. My breasts. My choice.
Cheers.
VB
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Don’t beat yourself up!! I did breastfeed both my girls and they were still riddled with ear infections!! My first one had tubes at 8 months and my 2nd one had tubes at 6 months!!
I’m still consumed with guilt that I nursed my first two for only a few months. I went 7 months with my third. But I see women happily sailing through the first year (like my daughter) and I feel like I couldn’t do what was supposed to be “natural.” This post does make me feel better.
I feel that as moms we always choose what’s best for our children with their guidance. She told you she was having issues with your milk and you listened instinctively (after stubbornly succoming to what the world expected you to do). I breastfed my daughter for a year until she brought me her sippy cup when I told her it was time for her night-night milk. I know breastfeeding isnt an easy task and its not for everyone. Never be embarrassed of your choices for how you raise your child. A mom always knows whats best for her kids.
Oh and my friend nursed for just over a year and her daughter had all the ear infections and tubes in her ears as well. Her little one just turned 6 and its still a constant battle, so I doubt it has anything to do with where their milk supply comes from.
I’ve had every nursing issue under the sun – mastitis, clogged ducts, bad latch, low supply. So I can TOTALLY relate to how stressful, frustrating, and (let’s be honest) horrible an experience it can be. With #1 we worked with consultants, took supplements, rented a medical-grade pump, ANYTHING to make it work. Lots of stress and anxiety. No fun.
Nursing doesn’t work out for everybody and I would never question anybody who has decided that it is not working for them. It does make me a little sad however when people don’t even try :(
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I think everyone should do what works for their families and concentrate on enjoying babies as much as possible. I don’t think you should feel guilty at all.
I do think you may want to think about how you view women who breastfeed longer than 1 year. The AAP actually recommends 2 years and my daughter is 16 months old. She cannot undo a button on my shirt. It is strange to read about not wanting to be judged and then have you call moms who feed longer than a year creepy.
Maybe you did not realize that might be hurtful to some. I’m not sure. I will say that as a breastfeeding mom I get a lot of nasty comments from formula feeding moms too and I would never judge a feeding decision. It is not all one way at all.
So just know that I think your post was good and clearly many women need to hear this, but I am not creepy at all and neither are my kids. We are actually quite normal.
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Brittany, I agree with you 100% and I could not have said it better. My son is nearly 17 months and still breastfeeding, and no, he can’t unbutton my shirt either, nor does he try to pull my t-shirt down when he wants a feed.
Somer, I don’t judge you, or moms like you, at all. I applaud you (and them) for trying your best, and you did what was best for your child and you, just like all moms do. I just wish you hadn’t used the word ‘creepy’.
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Agreed…I completey support every woman’s choice to feed their child in whatever way works for them. Seriously. I did breastfeed and planned to stop at one year. Then one year became two, and I felt happy with that for myself and for my daughter. But I have to say, I went to a brunch with friends (without kids) who didn’t know I still breastfed and heard all about how “creepy and disgusting” it was. I left in tears, feeling incredibly judged, if unknowingly. I weaned my daughter at just over 2 years because it was the right time for us. Feeding your child is personal, and it’s hurtful to attack another mother for her choices, whatever they are.
If you guys keep reading she clarify’s her comments below. She was joking.
I love, that as a first time mom, I am going into the breast vs bottle debate at a time when women are speaking out against the guilt ans stigma of bottle feeding. When women ask me what my plans are for my unborn son, I tell them that I’m going to give breast feeding a good college try….but if it’s not working, then I’m going to bottle and that’s it. I refuse to let anyone pressure me into a stressful first few months with my son. I want to enjoy being a mommy and not get saddled with other people’s judgements. Thank you so much (and all the other mommy bloggers speaking up on this issue) for setting this new young mommy free of the expectations!
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Brittany – You beat me to the punch.
Wow I’m kinda hurt by you calling me creepy. I mean kudos for you for going even 5 weeks! Some don’t even get that far. I’m not a Nazi but I hate it when I’m called things because I nurse closer to 2 years with my kids. Which the WHO states is what’s good for the kids. What’s different than a kid saying he wants a bottle? than a kid wanting to nurse and asking for it? Sad.
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Amen, Allison.
I didn’t breastfeed either of my girls, either, though I did pump like crazy to give them breastmilk for a few months until I went back to work and switched to formula. My kids are healthier than anyone else’s (seriously), and I have friends who are still breastfeeding their 2-year-old kids, and their kids are sick all of the time!
I think moms just have to do what is right for the and not listen to what anyone else says. I never look back at my non-breastfeeding, I just concentrate on what I am feeding them NOW!
The Expat Mom recently posted..The Blurry Lines of Working Mom-hood
WHOOOO- HOOOOO! Good for you!!! I too had troubles breastfeeding, and even developed mastitis, and still kept trying to avoid the judgement of my family and friends around me. I was more concerned with what they would think of me, rather than caring for my baby, and my sanity. It’s a movement and more moms should speak up, and support the non-breastfeeders, and that’s ok! Thanks for sharing…
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I couldn’t breastfeed properly either. He wouldn’t latch properly at first, no matter what I tried, we spent weeks trying and we were both miserable. I started pumping instead because lets face it, I didn’t want to deal with what I refer to as “The Breast Brigade” and their comments and I also WANTED so badly for Little Man to get the proper nourishment, no matter what I did it didn’t work, I ended up producing less and less and Little Man was getting hungrier and hungrier. I ended up switching to formula. There are some people though, that will always be convinced that I didn’t try hard enough or want it badly enough, however I know that’s not the truth. The amount of guilt and sadness I felt never let up and when my MIL made me feel worse by telling me: “All Women can breastfeed they just have to actually TRY.” I was heartbroken, but I reminded myself.. I KNOW I tried as hard as I could. And I don’t NEED to feel guilty at all. I Am now debating on whether or not to even try this time around. I guess we will see in a few months! Great Post, Nice to know I am not alone.
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Wow. You think nursing past one year is creepy? Did you know it’s still beneficial and recommended to two years? Who the he’ll are you to judge others? Since you do, I think you have mo right to be upset at others judging you.
I totally get that breastfeeding is hard. My son didn’t latch for two weeks after he was born- I pumped and we fed him with the SNS feeder taped to our pinky fingers. In the hospital before we went home we had to supplement with formula, as my milk hadn’t come in yet and he lost almost a pound. But, with help from the BEST lactation consultant we finally got a latch and went on our merry way for 5 months. That’s when the blisters started. Blood blisters. On my nipples. I now pump 5x a day for an hour at a time. Fun? No.
My only issue with this blog post is the writer’s use of Nazi over and over and over again. Seriously? You’re going to compare genocidal maniacs to people who are vocal about “breast is best”? For real?
Not okay.
I had a very similar experience with my first child. Except I stopped trying after 3 days. It was simply too much for me.
My 2nd and 3rd nursed like champions and it was a very different experience. It was no effort. Its amazing how different things can be baby to baby.
Its so hard how judgemental people can be. I get so worried about what people will think I lie. I say well yes she was breastfed. No one needs to know it was only for 3 days.
I love this post and LOVE how you stand up for yourself and your daughter. Bottom line… that is all that matters.
Holly Taylor recently posted..Simple
My oldest daughter became severely dehydrated and her jaundice was shooting through the roof because of my insistence that she would ONLY breastfeed. She had to be admitted back into the hospital and put onto an iv. No amount of lactation consultation was going to trick my body into making enough milk. When I tell people that story, they still say things like, “How often were your nursing?” or “Doctors really play up the dangers of jaundice.” They act like I just didn’t try hard enough, because, as you hear all over the place that EVERYONE can breastfeed if they just try hard enough. It’s total crap.
I totally applaud you for feeling brave enough to say this in public. It’s so hard because moms are SO judgmental about this, and they really can hurt your self-esteem. I’m proud of you, and you’re not alone!
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eek! Play up the dangers of jaundice???? I had to take my 4-day-old to the ER to get his bili levels checked & was NOT HAPPY about it. Then I read a story in Parents about a mom who held her baby while the baby had a seizure & ended up with brain damage b/c of jaundice, in front of the ER doc, b/c they had waited too long. I got over myself & kissed my healthy kid!!
Wow I was all ready to love and applaude you until you made that snarky completely unnecessary judgemental comment about mothers who breastfeed over a year. Way to ruin an amazing, beautiful, NEEDED post. Don’t be ashamed for doing what’s best for your baby, but you should feel ashamed for doing exactly what the boob Nazis did to you – judege you and make you feel bad about your decisions on how to raise your child.
I was not able to feed any of my 3 boys as I could not produce milk for any of them, I spent weeks with one of them attempting to feed, then spoon feeding them formula as I was told not to bottle feed and then sitting attached to a pump only to produce a dribble. My youngest is now 4 and they are all happy, healthy kids!
I have two children of my own, my daughter 4 and my son 6. I breastfed exclusively with my son for the first six months, he had to get tubes in his ears by the time he turned 2 because of the frequent recurring ear infections. I was only able to breastfeed my daughter for a few weeks, she was having digestive issues with the milk, and was unable to have a bowel movement without the assistance of some sort of suppository. It was horrible for her, so we talked to her doctor and I was told to put her on soy formula. Two weeks after starting the formula and my little girl was so much happier, no more crying with a belly ache.
The decision to breastfeed is a good one, however if the issues with it are more extensive than the benefits there is nothing wrong with giving a baby formula. No it’s not “mother’s milk” but they have formula with loads of vitamins to support brain health, immune systems and such. Every woman, and every baby is different, this one thing does not have to work for ALL of them.
Well said. I relate to both you and Jess who posted above. I ruined my maternity leave with exclusively pumping and the maddening feed-pump-sterilize endlessness. I will never go that route again.
Also, my son has a similar ear experience and we had tubes at 11 months and constant infections post tubes. I thought it would never end and that we were headed straight for a second pair of tubes and at 2 yes, he has finally magically stopped. So there is hope. I pray this is the end and hope you will have relief soon too. So tired of bonding with our ENT!
Thank you for writing this. It always warms my heart when someone compares me to a group of people responsible for attempted genocide and other crimes against humanity.
That goes double for the notion that meeting a child’s developmentally appropriate nourishment and bonding needs when he is old enough to request it is creepy.
Your pride in doing what is right without shame would read with much more ethos and credibility if it did not shame and degrade others.
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Bravo! I’m a breast feeding mom and I hope I never make someone feel like you were made to feel. It is NOT for every mother, it is NOT for every baby. There is no reason to make yourselves miserable, even in the name of trying to do what’s “best.”
oh yeah, one more thing…i agree with the poster that said making fun of people who can’t wean by 1 year was uncalled for. some kids do NOT make it easy to wean. and why make ourselves miserable trying to get them to calm down without nursing (just as you shouldn’t make yourselves miserable trying to force breastfeeding on your child.). i was able to wean mine both at a year, but i know plenty of mothers who tried sooo hard and couldn’t for many months after the 1st birthday.
I am an avid breastfeeder. So much so that I drastically changed my diet so that I could continue nursing my youngest despite his multiple food protein intolerances. With that said, it’s all about choice and what’s best for you and your family! It amazes me that so many people have time to judge others’ parenting decisions – don’t they have kids to focus on?
5 weeks is really good! i lasted 5 days. i beat myself up over it, especially with a lot of comments i got…but guess what… i have a happy healthy 3 year old little boy. he got his first ear infection and fever EVER a few weeks ago…and that was his first sick visit to the doctors since the year he was born. Looks like his immune system is just fine! :) Im happy with me and my hubbies decision.
and why is it that mothers that breast feed (not all) are the most judgmental to mothers that don’t. I can care less how you feed your child if they are happy and healthy!
GOOD FOR YOU!
Somer,
My son is now 12 and I had the same issues you did. I was lucky he latched on for the 6 weeks he did and it was PAINFUL the whole time. I finally stopped and the guilt ate me alive for months!
Well, he is a very healthy 12 year boy now. The only thing I wonder about is his allergies and asthma. Yes, he has my cursed allergies.
I breastfeed his younger sister for 6 months and she has no allergies. I wonder deep down if I cursed my son by not breastfeeding him longer to avoid this. But, whatever, he is healthy otherwise.
His allergies could also be the farming area we live in or just plain genetics. Who knows.
Don’t fret over that damn breastfeeding issue. You tried. There will be other issues to worry about as she gets older like boobs and catty girls. Breastfeeding will be far from your mind. LOL.
Have fun with her and be the greatest mommy she knows.
~Allie
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No judging here. I breastfed all four of mine EXCEPT for my second child. He breastfed for two weeks and was miserable, never got enough, kicked and screamed through the whole thing and made me feel awful. It just wasn’t enough for him and once we switched he became so much happier. Every baby is different. My other 3 all breast fed but each one for a different length and I think the longest was my last baby who I made almost to a year with. Don’t ever beat yourself about it. Each kid has their own needs and personalities.
Good for you! I’m happy to hear when a mom overcomes the “should because it’s what I’ve been told is best for my baby and me” and owns the whole “shouldn’t because it’s NOT what’s best for my baby and me”.
I was lucky and able to breastfeed my children for more than 18 months each, but not all my friends have been that fortunate. I’ll be the first to say that you should stop breastfeeding if it becomes too difficult for both mom and baby because that’s when resentment, fear, and frustration come in. None of that helps with bonding. And bonding is the most important thing of all at this time of a baby’s life. :)
So, good for you, Somer!
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Been there, done that. Still feel guilty two years later. But she is healthy, happy and damn smart, and I? I am sane. Breastfeeding doesn’t always work, and if you gave it your best shot, there’s no reason for anyone to look down on you. Breastfeeding nazis be damned.
amber recently posted..Who You Calling Crazy
BRAVO!!! It’s about time someone wrote a blog like this!! The fact of the matter is, breastfeeding doesn’t work for everyone, and it’s awful that a woman should be made to feel like a failure because it’s just not happening.
And, I personally don’t know a single breastfed baby who hasn’t ended up with ear infections. My two closest friends who breastfed their babies for the entire first year without a drop of formula, both had to get tubes in their child’s ears.
I could give a crap how you fed your kid, I’m glad she’s being fed and that your family is happy and healthy. That’s truly wonderful and I’m happy for you that you’ve gotten to a place where you’re feeling good about your parenting choices.
But why did you have to go all Judgy McJugerton on other mothers? How can you sit here and say that you want others not to judge your choices as a mother while simultaneously JUDGING OTHER PARENTS’ CHOICES? That just makes you sound mean and nasty and not in any way worthy of empathy.
And you’re probably none of those things. But. That’s how that part of the post made you come across.
Best of luck.
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I am a member of La Leche League, an extended breastfeeder (always over 2 years), and a staunch supporter of breastfeeding.
That said, I applaud you. It is hard hard hard. You tried for 5 weeks, that is more than a lot of people. In the end you did what was best for YOUR family and that is what we all have to do.
There is so much judgement in the world, you don’t need to be judging yourself. You don’t know if breastfeeding would have helped curb the ear infections. I breastfed my 2 year old and she had constant ear infections until she was 18 months old. YOu just never know.
Stop beating yourself up, let go of the anger and fear of judgement and just let it be. No one knows your situation but you and your husband. No one knows how hard you tried, the tears you cried or the emotional pain you have suffered.
Parenting is HARD and we all do what we feel is best for our children because we love them, pure and simple.
So, stop beating yourself up. You did what was best for Pumpkin and you. That is what is most important.
Kim recently posted..Ladies Man
It amazes me that people still feel the need to shame others for their choices vis a vis THEIR boobs and THEIR baby. You did what worked best for you and your baby. Good for you that you identified the source of anxiety and took pains to rectify it. Motherhood is riddled with enough guilt and second-guessing. Do what feels right.
When I had my son, I was still in the military. I only had 6 weeks of maternity leave and when I returned to work I was told that if I breastfed, I would be given the privacy needed to pump. Riiiight. I didn’t believe that for a second, plus as one of 3 females in a maintnance platoon (mechanics) I knew I would be on the receiving end of countless asshole comments from my male counterparts. So I decided not to breastfeed. My son is 3 now and is insanely healthy. That saying that kids who are formula fed are more prone to ear infections is utter crap, IMO. My son has never had an ear infection. Never. And I didn’t even attempt to breastfeed. I received some disapproving looks and comments when I told people I didn’t breastfeed but you know what? I don’t give a damn. My son is healthy and happy. That’s all that matters.
Kudos on an awesome post!
I didn’t either. I adopted. And although my doctor half-heartedly asked if I wanted to, the amount of hormones I would have had to be injected with threw me. My daughter was a cold bottle-formula fed kid. And my now-10-year-old is the healthiest kid I know, who has NEVER had an ear infection. And there are adoptive moms out there (mostly on the Net) who look down on me too, for not doing it. Hey. Just because you have DDs doesn’t mean they work.
Lori recently posted..Time for tea
I have two boys, JJ – who is 7 1/2 and little M – who is 3.
JJ was delivered 5 weeks early and transferred to a different hospital, where he stayed for 9 days, because his lungs weren’t developed -he was the biggest baby in the NICU at 8 lbs 3 1/2 oz. I was not allowed to be transferred :(. So I pumped and hubby took the milk to JJ – 40 minutes away every day so the nurses could give the breast milk to him. When we were both finally released from our respective hospitals and came home it was really hard to produce enough milk so I pumped what I could and we supplemented formula. This went on for about 4 months and then we switched solely to formula. At about 14 months JJ had tubes put in because of ear infections . Two years ago he had to have his adenoids removed and finally the ear infections have cleared up.
Little M was 11 lbs when he was born (via C-section thank goodness!! – so was JJ because his head was too large for the birth canal) Little M spent about 1/2 day in the NICU because of his sugar levels. They said that since he was so large he was going into shock because his sugar levels dropped drastically right after he was delivered. They had to give him formula to help regulate his sugar levels. I pumped and breastfed for about 6 months and was able to produce enough milk that way. At 6 months we switched to formula (and I sold my Medela pump on E-Bay). He also had several ear infections and has allergies to two different classes of antibiotics – so we were considering tubes for him when he was about a year old (yes the same time JJ was having his adenoids removed – ugh!!) Then we decided to wait and see – and guess what happened?? He just grew out of the ear infections – and hasn’t had one in nearly two years.
I guess my point is that you just have to do what feels right at the moment – You are Pumpkin’s mom and biggest protector – No one knows what is best for your children – except you – Please try not to second guess yourself and know that you are doing everything you can for your children – there is no judgement here :)
First, anyone who gave you a hard time…. that’s just crap! I breastfed both my boys…. b/c it worked for US! I strongly believe that is a decision a mother needs to make…and her’s alone!
And let me say this….. my oldest son that was breastfed started getting ear infections when he was 2. Had to have tubes when he was 2.5. So I’m not so sure I believe the correlation between breastfeeding and ear infections.
Having a healthy, happy baby is all that matter! Period.
“Cookie” recently posted..Well darn!
Well, being a registered dietitian and “advocate” for breastfeeding, this exact scenario happened to me (with twin boys). It was a great learning experience because I now advocate to do what is right for you and your baby, and don’t let others make you feel guilty. Sure, breast feeding has its advantages. But so does formula – like this big one: If I had given birth back in the cave, my boys would have starved! So, there.
You did what was best for you and bub. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. As long as she is healthy and happy, that is all that matters. Congrats to you for doing a wonderful job ^_^
I breastfed both my kids till they were almost two. According to my friends, I was a good cow :p Besides, they wanted it and that was fine. And the recommended age to feed till was two anyways and by that stage, I wanted my boobs back.
Missy has had many an ear infection, whilst the Beast hasn’t, so the formula thing is WRONG!!!
Both my kids are at the top of their classes and that’s to do with how they were raised and taught, not whether or nor they were breast or formula fed.
My question is, why do people think it’s okay to ask if a woman is going to breastfeed, and if so for how long? It’s really none of their business. It’s pretty much the same as asking someone “What are you making for dinner for your family for the next year, and how long will it take them to eat it? And how are you going to prepare it? And where are you buying the groceries for the dinners?” Intrusive.
I had issues with both my daughter and son. I made it to 3 months and then I had to stop. I figured that every feeding should not start and end with me crying, and my baby still hungry. I was put on medication, I was given a hospital grade pump and pumped after every feeding, I met with lactation consultants (of the 3 I met with, 2 were not nice or supportive. They were amazed I was having issues, especially after my second), I ate oatmeal and took Fenugreek. And ya know what? NOTHING helped! I finally just had to admit that I was stressing myself out way too much over this, and the rest of my family. I switched to formula and my children finally started to gain the weight they should, and we were all much happier. I still received judgments (mainly from my SIL, who had no problems nursing), but my kids were happy and healthy. I’m pregnant with my 3rd and will try breastfeeding again, but if I have the same issues I did with #1 and #2 I will stop and feel no guilt. I am so glad you wrote this (though I would agree that calling nursing mothers after 12 months creepy is kinda losing you some credibility points).
Heather recently posted..The Wanderer
Ladies,
I apologize if I offended ANYONE. First, the entire post was intended to be ironic in that I was judging from a blog when I had just complained about being judged from a blog – as in, what qualifies me???
As for the term Nazi, it was intended to be taken in the Soup Nazi way and not in the Hitler way. I thought the Society readers would get that.
And I agree that breastfeeding until 2 is wonderful and encouraged. At that age they aren’t unbuttoning your shirts so it isn’t creepy! Again – an exercise in hyperbole.
Bottom line is that we are all in this mommy thing together and we need to feel good about the decisions we make and learn to laugh at ourselves.
Thank you for this. I understood your use of the term Nazi. I appreciate your explanation of your view on extended breastfeeding. I definitely thought back to when mine were 1 and though “I don’t think they could unbutton my shirt, but they could pull on it…”
Like I said before this was a great and much needed post.
You didn’t offend me, just saying… I use the term Nazi in the ‘soup Nazi” way all the time. I nursed my twins some, not all of the time. I also did formula. You did what was right for you and your baby. End of story:)
Twinisms recently posted..8th Grade Graduation
I was a nurser, and I wholly support nursing.
But what I support MORE is a healthy mom and baby. I told a friend lately it was OK to give up- she is not producing and she was resenting the pump. HER son will grow and thrive as I did, since I myself was formula fed.
Happy Birthday Pumpkin!
Mrs. Wonder recently posted..The last time I was coated with mud- I was in kindergarten
Hey, girl! I don’t judge you. You did what was best for the health and sanity of you and your family. I don’t believe that your daughter would have avoided ear infections if you breat fed. I think some children are just more inclined to getting them (maybe the way their internal ear is formed–who knows!). I agree with Heather; it’s none of anyone else’s business anyway.
Thank you!!! This is ME.I swore from the time I was “this tall” that I was going to breastfeed. I tried. I lasted only a week. I was a hot mess. Cracked nipples, bleeding. My son was sooo tiny, and my boobs HUGE! I seriously don’t think he was able to latch on. I had all the experts at my house, encourging me to keep trying. But..you know what?? It wasn’t for us. I would be crying a hour before feeding anticpating the pain. It was freaking us both out. I beat myself up for years. YEARS. Stupid. My son is now 15…and has always been healthy, smart and a great kid. This is something that works for some, and not others. I have sisters that had no issue at all. Easy as pie. I am finally OK with it all. No more guilt!!!!!
My daughter would not latch. I pumped for a while, then switched to formula. My son was on formula. There were many reasons and factors. I won’t bother to detail them, because neither side really cares about that.
(1) Good for you for being able to say with conviction and without hesitation that you didn’t breastfeed. I know firsthand how horrible that guilt is, and how overwhelming it is to get guilt – from doctors, nurses, consultants, mothers, news, the ‘net – all of it.
(2) There’s a lot flying around the comments and twitter about the term “Nazi.” Perhaps an unfortunate choice of wording, but I am doubting the intention is to actually compare avid breastfeeders to Hitler’s Germany. Unfortunately, “Nazi” is a word that is overused and folks have forgotten the power it really wields. Inappropriate choice, sure. A reason to toss aside the points of the entire article? That seems pretty ridiculous. C’mon folks, we’re adults.
The bottom line is that this issue is so riddled with guilt and self-righteousness that regardless of what side of the issue you land on, everyone is so damn angry. It. Is. Exhausting. Aren’t our kids tiring enough?
As someone who wasn’t able to breastfeed because of low supply (both times) I say BRAVO!
Thank you for your post.
It seems that we’re always being assaulted if we didn’t breastfeed. Some of us choose not to, and some of us just can’t, but either way it’s no one’s business and they (a good percent of mommy bloggers/posters) need to keep that particular opinion to themselves!
For a second I thought I wrote this post- that is how much I can relate. I am SO sick and tired of hearing “Well… if you had breastfed…” Then I feel guilt. And then I look at my awesome, healthy 2.5 year old boy and know that I made the best choice for him and for us. ♥
I can relate to what you are saying, my oldest son was breastfed for the first few months, with great difficulty, he then developed, what I was told, was colic. At 4 months he was diagnosed with kidney stones. My second son was born when the first was 14 months old and with a sick child and a newborn it was impossible to feed my second son myself. My daughter was born 5 years later, latched on within the first few minutes and was there for the next 14 months. Just because it didn’t work the first time doesn’t mean it won’t the next, on the other hand my two sons are now 5’11″ and 5’9″ at the ages of 15 and 14 and are extremely heathly, do what is best for you and your child and don’t give a toss about anyone elses opinion.
I breastfed my son til he was about 5 months old then he refused to breastfeed anymore. So I pumped until he was a year old….it was hell. I did it because I felt like it I didn’t do it I was a bad mom. Even with pumping my nipples still bled and I still had to try and do stuff to make my milk not run dry. I was pump for up to 5 or 6 hours a day. I don’t think I can do it again once we have a second child. It was very miserable…..then at the end of all of it I somehow gave myself mastitis when I was trying to get the milk to stop. I put myself though all that because if I didn’t I was a bad mom is what I though I would be labeled.
You know, I would completely applaud your post if you hadn’t insulted me in it – not once, but twice.
Words have power. Maybe the “N word” should cover 2 words.
Also, your apology might go over better if you hadn’t insulted people in it.
I laugh at myself all the time, like this morning when my toddler peed on the carpet instead of the potty. But calling my parenting choice “creepy” isn’t going to get a chuckle.
Natasha recently posted..19mo Check-in
This is a great post – I think the pressure out there to breast feed is ridiculous – I breastfed both of my children (who by the way both get plenty of ear infections) and with my first daughter we really struggled – (i was so crazy I was cup feeding her formula while i waited a week for my milk to come in) I had brainwashed myself. I know mothers who breastfeed and don’t breastfeed and I think it is a personal decision. By the way, my daughter is 5 now and the topic of breastfeeding never comes up!
As an extended breastfeeding mother (17 months with the first and 6 months and going strong with the second), I applaud you making this statement. I realize that I am LUCKY that I am able to breastfeed so well. It is not every woman’s reality and it becomes less of a choice for some and more of a necessity. I am alos LUCKY because my son needs special formula, ($40) a can, which would bankrupt me if I wasn’t able to breastfeed. More of the women that would have an issue with your statement should count their lucky stars and not judge!
You are very, very brave and wonderful! How awesome of you to write this lovely honest post. There are those out there who will need your words of encouragement.
Julia’s Child recently posted..Dont Say Coochie on the Radio
NO shame in not breast feeding — AT ALL!. I had one babay who refused the boob and the bottle and was fed with an eyedropper her first few days. I was dried up by the time she decided to be human. The next kid I spent 5 weeks like you trying to breast feed. He was hungry 24/7 and I was in so much pain I finally had to stop — for my boobs, for my son and for my sanity. The next 2 kids 100% bottle fed and not a single regret. What is best for you is all that matters. No one knows your experience but you. My Hubster was supportive of whatever would make me feel better. Many men are not — but I firmly believe they have no business having an opinion until they can breast feed!
MommaC recently posted..Blogger issues
I breastfed my first daughter long past her 1st birthday. And she had so many ear infections, she had tubes at 14 months. She’s had ear infections since.
My second daughter was bottle fed. Far fewer ear infections.
Deduce from that what you will.
You know what kids REALLY need? Happy mommies. And if that means you reach for the Similac instead of the breast pump, so be it. Well done, Mama!
Ryan (The Woven Moments) recently posted..WELCOME TO THE NEW SITE!
Thank you for this post. I am currently in the middle of the breastfeeding struggle. My daughter was jaundiced so we had to supplement to get her hydrated. Nipple confusion set in and she refused to latch afterwards. I tried a few times to get her latch, but she was crying. I was crying. So I gave up. Lactactation consultants called to follow up and they just made me feel like a bad mother who couldn’t figure something out so basic. So I never looked into getting someone coming to my house to help me. ( I’ve about had it with lactaction consultants, nurses, and doctors anyway. They really need to come to a consensus on baby care. But I digress.)
So now I pump and supplement. It is time consuming and tiring. I’m not sure how long I can keep it up. My goal is to make it through maternity leave, which is three months. I just wish I had a little more support, because my husband is suprised if enough things at home aren’t taken care of. But I really need the time to focus so that I don’t miss pumping times.
I feel like I’m in a losing battle. I’m just trying to take things one day at a time.
Latoya recently posted..I have a feeling that shes coming today A Baby Story- Part 1
I honestly don’t know what the fuss is all about. Breast feed, bottle feed, why should it matter, as long as baby (and mommy!) are happy and healthy? For the record, I bottle-fed, too, for many of the same reasons as was described in this post (and because breast-feeding support in this rural area is an absolute joke). And no, I DON’T regret it. My kids are now 6 and three and I defy anyone to try to find anything wrong with them. :-)
I didn’t breast feed either and I have TWO healthy happy kids! So your not alone! :)
Oh honey. Just set this burden down. I breastfed both kids and loved it for a variety of reasons; one of my closest friends chose bottles and that worked for her. You make the choice you make and it’s really no one else’s business. I had a preconceived idea of how long I’d nurse my first child but when I went back to work full time, it was simply untenable and, like your daughter, my baby was HUNGRY. I remember weeping in the pediatrician’s office b/c he suggested I needed to supplement more with formula. Then he said “I’m sorry. Was the goal to breast feed, or to have a healthy child? Because your daughter needs the calories from formula to be healthy.” That put it all in perspective.
There are so many things you will feel terrible about as a mother, I promise you. Don’t start piling them up too early.
Nancy Davis Kho recently posted..As the Rapture Approaches- No Regrets
Love this.
ChiMomWriter recently posted..Mommy Did It
A-freaking-Men
Amen to that. I’m learning that as a new mom.
Latoya recently posted..I have a feeling that shes coming today A Baby Story- Part 1
We all have different situations, views and choices. We need to do what’s best for ourselves and our child(ren). Making one choice over another does not make us a bad mom. I believe in being openminded, nonjudgemental and understanding with people’s decisions. You can’t judge someone unless you’ve walked in their shoes. I’m glad to see that overall everyone here is doing just that too. Kudos.
TheJugglingAct recently posted..Wordless Wednesday
thank you for writing this. i was there with you as well. I tried and tried to breastfeed my first. I even had a lactation consultant come to the house. the pediatrician finally said ENOUGH…this child is literally dying and starving to death. we had to feed her ever two hours, round the clock and she finally stopped crying and started thriving. sometimes it just works out this way. thank you again for having the courage to type those words. :)
I’ll never forget struggling with nursing my preemie in the NICU. After maybe 5 minutes of trying, the Nursing Nazi explained that he would die if I didn’t breastfeed.
I had just spent nearly 3 weeks in the hospital with pre-e, endured through 12 hours of labor at 30 weeks, had a c-section and had to watch as my 4 pound child struggled to breathe. Classy move on her part. All I wanted was to bring my baby home. We struggled together through the 5 weeks in the NICU before I hit my emotional wall and stopped nursing.
Six years later and he’s as healthy as a horse. We have zero problems (thank goodness!), but I still carry guilt about those first five weeks.
Angi in KC recently posted..Playground Adventures
Somer, when people ask me if my twins were breastfed, I just say “No.” That is usually the end of it, but if someone persists I’ll say, “It didn’t work out.” That’s it. I resist the urge to explain, justify, or qualify in any way (even though I want to) because then it opens the doorway for the unhelpful (at best) or judgmental (at worst) comments, and makes me feel less secure about something that I cannot change. That is my unsolicited advice to you– just say “no” when asked and then maintain a calm but firm, pleasant demeanor that clearly lets people know that the “discussion” is over. They don’t need to know why. The why is not important.
The mommyhood road is so long, and this is just one tiny part of it. Whether it’s breast versus bottle, c-section versus vaginal, epidural versus natural– these are very small parts of an otherwise very large picture, and so I find myself often thinking that a disproportionate amount of time is spent agonizing (and debating online) the outcomes of these choices. I am parenting two severely disabled children, and I have to do almost everything differently than the rest of the moms on here/out there. I do what works for my family, but I always put equal priority on my own sanity. Let me tell you what I know for sure, with kids, most of the time, close enough counts. Love will smooth over the rough spots.
Erica recently posted..The Color of My Parachute Is Burnt Sienna
I am a breastfeeding mom. My daughter is 9 months old and I think the breastfeeding will soon be coming to an end. I find it outrageous that people look down upon moms who don’t breastfeed. There’s way too much pressure and guilt applied at a time when new moms are most vulnerable, possibly even dealing with post-partum depression. My husband is a pediatrician, and he hates to hear mothers say they felt pressure by the hospital, the lactation consultants, etc. From the beginning, he has made it clear to me that it’s my decision and he will support whichever choice I make.
Christi recently posted..Wordless Wednesday- Trouble- Trouble
Whatever works as a mother and a parent, it’s your choice. I couldn’t breastfeed because of my health complications after the twins were born, but I really doubt I could have done it anyway. It was hard enough having the two, period.
I got really annoyed with the Lactation militants.
Our parents’ generation – hardly anyone breastfeed – and who knows – our children’s generation it might revert back to that again.
To each her own; just love and provide for your baby(babies) in the best way you know how. Period. x
Lady Estrogen recently posted..Everything I Need to Know- I Learned from Heathers
When a friend of mine was taking a class on breastfeeding, I thought, “Why the hell would you need to take a class on something that’s so natural.”
This shows exactly how little I knew.
I successfully breastfed two babies, but it was a lot of work. In the beginning, it’s exhausting, frustrating, and you’re constantly wondering if your baby is getting enough milk. It turns out that mine were getting enough–they both started to look like little sumo wrestlers.
But it just doesn’t work like that for a lot of women. And you know what else? You can breast feed all you want, but if the baby is going to get ear infections, he/she is going to get ear infections. Mine did.
Ah, this just breaks my heart. Above all, we petty, catty women need to support each other. The last thing any mother needs, breastfeeding, bottle-feeding, co-sleeping, sleep training, cloth diapering, etc etc – the last thing any of us need is judgement! It breaks my heart to hear you beat yourself up and it breaks my heart again to read that people vocalized that and validated your self-brow-beatings.
I say most every mama knows best, and whatever works best for the mama-baby unit is the right choice. Blessings to you and you sweet Pumpkin.
Great post!! My sons are 6 and 3 and I still sometimes feel guilty about not breastfeeding. I was lucky enough to have sisters who backed me up even though they had breast fed their children..and a husband who just wanted everyone healthy…
Thank you for writing this. My son was readmitted to the hospital the very day after we were discharged (the 1st time) for severe jaundice. I had to watch him cry in a biliruben box and use a hospital grade pump (scary) in the hospital room bathroom because my son’s room was crowded with family. If that wasn’t enough to send me over the edge, I was simply not producing enough milk. I nursed and pumped and when I produced a full four ounces for a bottle & then knocked it over accidentally, I SOBBED for an hour. He also had thrush for the firs six weeks of his life.
Finally had enough of being completely stressed, the baby not gaining weight and being told he was going to be classified “failure to thrive”, I went to formula. He’s had maybe two ear infections and he’ll be three in August.
I still feel tiny twinges of guilt, but I KNOW that I did what was best for my baby and for me.
You had me at the fourth word (“I did not breastfeed.”)
Anything beyond was icing on the cake. Do or do not, I do not care either. I care that the mom is happy, that the baby is happy.
Did I breast feed? Yes. Do you care? I hope not either.
I was all ready to feel some sympathy and talk about the various booby traps we face and how we as a society should work to overcome them and then you had to throw in the words ‘Nazi’ and ‘creepy’. While you might be able to feebly explain away your use of the term Nazi, the bottom line is your whole point of not judging was blown out of the water as soon as you said people who breastfed longer than what YOU feel is appropriate is creepy. We taught my daughter baby signs and she could ask for milk before a year. When I had to wean her at 11.5 months, I cried and cried because I wasn’t ready, but I had to go out in the field for a research/mapping project for my degree for 5 days and pumping just wasn’t going to work. Would I still be feeding her now, at 2, if she wanted? Yes. But then again, I am just one of those horrid LLL militant women who only breastfeds in public to satisfy my own need for attention & to flash my boobs to the poor unsuspecting children (who might actually see what breasts are supposed to be used for instead of selling beer, gasp!) and only breastfeds past 6 weeks/months (depending on the person) for my own ‘creepy’ desires because I have to be getting something out of it at that point, so my opinion doesn’t matter.
Katy recently posted..Where Dogs are well- Dogs
Wow… that response to her post was ridiculous. Maybe your not a rabid LLL person, but there are some that are. While you understand that now ALL women are able to breastfeed their children successfully, a lot don’t. Those are the ones who make you feel about 3 inches tall for not being able to do what they believe is your duty. Our duty is to keep our children thriving and loved. However that needs to be accomplished is what matters. No one said your opinion didn’t matter, and as she responded, she was not meaning that 2years was creepy. There are however some women who choose to still breastfeed their kindergarteners. That IS creepy. If your child is old enough to actually play with your nipple while feeding from it, that can be very disturbing to mothers. I personally couldn’t breasfeed either of my children. My daughter because I had her very young and put her up for adoption, and I feared even allowing her to feed one time would have made it simply impossible for me to give her to the family I knew would take such good care of her. My son I tried, I tried so hard that while recovering from my natural childbirth I nearly bled to death. I was induced with him and they kept me on the potossin for too long so when we got home and I tried to feed him, I almost hemorrhaged. The LLL group that I was involved with told me that I should just deal with the blood loss because it was best for my child. Really? Almost dying because I was allowing my son to kick my contracts harder and faster then my body could handle which made me bleed everywhere was the best thing for him? How about the fact that he threw up everything he ate because he was allergic to my breastmilk? I was actually told that he would outgrow that, and I should just deal with it by a caring considerate member of LLL. I’m not putting them all down, I had a few who were wonderful, but in general where that orginization is concerned, they left a very bitter taste in my mouth. If the focus had been about the bond, instead of how I was depriving my son (I continued to try until he was 3 months old at which point my son who was born 8.5lbs had only gained 1lb) It might have gone better. I might not have suffered a full two years of PPD for feeling like a toxin to my son and a worthless mother.
You are totally entitled to how you feel, but understand that there are rabid fanatics out there who see those who for medical or other reasons simply cannot feed their children in that manner as less then. Well screw that! I am not now, nor have I ever been a ‘less then’ mommy. I’m a fierce, proud, independant, and totally devoted mother who just happened to not be able to breastfeed.
Right there with you! Tried to breastfeed the first week before the pediatrician said I needed to supplement with a bottle. Struggled for six weeks with both but was miserable and crying. Kudos to you moms who can breastfeed and are non-judgemental, but there is a hard-core contingent of moms who are militant about breastfeeding. Regardless of your reason, these people tell you that you are a bad mom who didn’t care enough about her baby to breastfeed.
None of my three children were breast fed more than a few days. None of my three children are any more unhealthy than children of family or friends who breast fed until the age of 2. In fact, in comparison to her cousin (same age, breast fed for two years) my eldest gets higher scores in school and never as sick as often as he is. Health is determined by enviornment and genetics. I am sure breast feeding helps, but I do not think its the all in one answer everyone makes it out to be.
I love this. This is very much like my experience with my first child too.
Terri recently posted..Flying Through the Air With the Greatest of Ease
Bravo!
Great post.
Very similar to things that happened to me.
Jen recently posted..How to Grocery Shop with Young Children and Not Lose your Mind
You completely turned me off with your use of the word “Nazi” but still felt compelled to tell you that I breastfed my son for 19 months, and he still gets tons of ear infections. I think the theory is bullshit.
Amy @ A Little Nosh recently posted..Pasta Carbonara
I sincerely appreciate your honesty. I breastfed both girls for 6 months but switched to forumla for a variety of reasons: biting, wanted my body back, work, you name it. Whatever the case, it’s no one else’s business but your own. In the name of all that is holy, I wish breastfeeding were removed as a weapon in the Mommy Wars. Formula feeding is not child abuse. Not feeding a baby is. We need to support each other because there are plenty of other forces working against women and mothers. Peace, mamas.
Amy recently posted..Why Color Bubbles Fail and Old School Bubbles Rock
The same thing for me as well, i tried with both & with my second one she starred getting jaundice & had crystals in her diaper which I found out is a sign of dehydration, after that I started supplementing with formula and within month she was full on formula. I tried but my daughters health at the time was more important thenany so called long term benefit, she is very healthy. I understand the breastfeeding is good, but people put so much pressure on mothers to breastfeed u hear it over & over throughput the pregnancy that maybe it’s not healthy to push it so much cuz it makes moms who can’t feel like a failure and it could be a cause of depression. I know I felt horrible when I couldn’t, I Could barely produce 1/2oz in both breasts.
You don’t want people to judge you for not breastfeeding..but you say its creepy to breast feed an older child…??? Kind of hypocritical…
I could have written this post. I stopped feeding my first baby at just barely 4 weeks in. I was a wreck after struggling with a breast pump, two inverted nipples, a C-section and the associated difficulties finding any position to breastfeed, supplemental feeding systems, several consultations with specialists, and one crying, hungry all the time newborn. My husband was able to help during the day with the supplemental feeding bottle and tube-attached-to-his-finger. I was able to feed my newborn during the day and pump during the day…but I did little else. When nighttime came, it was just plain awful. The little amounts I fed her during the day were not enough to sustain her at night. What little milk I pumped was guzzled fast. I once spilled 1/2 ounce of breastmilk and sobbed for a long time knowing that it took close to an hour to pump that 1/2 ounce. I did not get any sleep during the day, which meant that I was a zombie.
I beat myself up A LOT. My daughter was very happy to go on formula. She started gaining weight. We had been on a twice a week weight check regimen since she lost so much weight upon leaving the hospital.
You might be interested to learn that I did not attempt to breastfeed my 2nd. I was firm with the nurses at the hospital. All were so understanding once they heard my struggles. I tried again with my #3 but he was over 9 pounds and I had the same issues feeding him. He like his sisters thrived on formula.
Hang in there.
I never breast fed, I didn’t want to and I didn’t. I didn’t “think about doing it’, ‘try for a few weeks” or anything. I guess I was really was selfish, but I always thought of my boobs as something that were “mine” and I couldn’t get past that…to share them with my sons seemed ‘Dirty” to me…so I knew that I would hate it doing it and in turn so would they.
Plus I had twins , who were 5 weeks early and I had been on Bedrest for months before that…I just wasn’t digging doing it. So I didn’t
I never feel any kind of guilt because of it….not one ounce. Maybe I should??? I don’t know, but for me I absolutely understand not doing it and not feeling so bad about it
I loved this post, if for nothing else then to make me feel less alone. :)
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The same happened with my first son. We barely made it two months when I switched. Six months ago I had my second and he nursed like a champ. If it wasn’t for his terrible cold and my going back to work about the same (and not being able to pump enough), we still would be going strong!
great post and i’m totally with you that all of us mamas should stand strong about making whatever decisions are right for us and our families, including the decision whether or not to breastfeed or for how long. so good for you for shaking off the guilt and the fear of judgment!
but…..and i have to say that saying that breastfeeding for longer than a year is “creepy” kind of undermines the very stance you are taking for yourself. i’m sure it’s unintended and i don’t really only have any personal agenda about it because i only nursed my own daughters for six months each. and i had my own guilt about that!! i think it is very common for the women who breastfeed for a short time or not at all to feel judged by the la leche crowd, and it isn’t cool and it doesn’t feel good. but i’m sure that for the mamas out there who do decide to nurse for longer than a year, being judged for it doesn’t feel good either.
motherhood is hard enough without mamas making each other feel bad for their choices!!
You did what was right for you and your family. That’s all that matters.
Caryl
I think it’s a personal decision to breastfeed or not. Some moms can’t breastfeed, others choose not to. The bottom line is your child is heathy. Great post.
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sadly, no matter what choices we make we are judged…by our peers too…
if you don’t breastfeed you’re a bad mom, if you breastfeed too long other moms look at you funny and start making snarky comments…
here’s a crazy idea…how about we support one another’s decisions on the best way to parent our own children…
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Thank you for this post! And this is coming from someone that has breastfed all 3 of mine (still breastfeeding my son). I am one of the biggest breastfeeding advocates, when people ask my opinion I do give it.. But I also had a lot of friends that tried and tried to no avail. They would cry the whole time trying to nurse, then cry more when they had to pump with overly sensitive and sore nipples. No mother or child should have to go through that, if you are doing something and it’s not making you happy, your child can pick up on the bad vibes. And although I am an avid breastfeeder, with all three I have supplemented with formula after the 6 weeks maternity and I have the healthiest kids ever. No ear infections, no tubes. But I do not believe that ear infections hold any bearings on whether you breastfed or not. I applaud you for trying! That’s what’s important!
You have to do what is right for YOU and YOUR baby. Not anyone else :)
P.S. the ear infection thing is bull sh!t. My mom BF me and I got them ALL The time, I BF my boys and they got them ALL THE TIME too …. so wherever that myth came from …… :) ((HUG))
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I soooo wish I had seen this 4 years ago! When my son was born I tried breastfeeding. He would nurse for an hour and still seem hungry. I tried pumping and would get maybe a tablespoon. I finally saw the lactation specialists at the hospital. They weighed him before and after he nursed and his weight didn’t change a bit. So, I started formula and felt like a complete failure. It took a long time to get over it because “everyone” said that you should breastfeed your child and that “everyone” can do it if they try hard enough. But my child was just as healthy and happy with formula. And, yes, we are on the second set of ear tubes too. Never once did a doctor say it was from lack of breastfeeding.
Thank you, thank you, thank you! I still grapple with the guilt and I shouldn’t. If we were all this brave maybe we wouldn’t have to suffer in silence. Thanks, this really made my day.
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great post…it’s so hard being a mom, especially a first time mom, with other moms judging instead of nurturing you. And good for you for realizing that after year one, it took me years to feel more comfortable in being okay with some of the decisions I’ve made for my kiddos.
oh, and I breast fed the first…tons of ear infections, the second couldn’t get my milk going…no ear infections.
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I know the feeling. I nursed my twins for 10 weeks, and even that was not exclusive. I didn’t have any problems nursing, I just couldn’t do it, it took to much out of me.
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I’m sure this felt great to write and I hope you feel like a weight has been lifted! Breastfeeding is SO hard. You did your best. The most important thing is a happy, strong mom who can take care of her kid. And I knew this post would bring out the interesting comments – good lord.
Don’t beat yourself up about the ear infections. I breast fed and we still had tubes by the time he was 8 months old. Not your fault
I’ve breastfed 4 children, all needed ear tubes during babyhood. They were exclusively bfed, for over a year.
I must say though, a lot of the reason I stuck with bfeeding was the IQ benefit, and a La leche league leader once pointed out how even a few points could make a different if your kids is on a border (say, 87 vs 91, which would make them below average.) Now one of my sons is on such a border and I’m eternally grateful I stuck with it. It was hard, very, very, very hard. What helped was education and just accepting that for awhile, that’s just how it was. Support was crucial too, I’d have quit without it I bet, at least the first go-around (and that’s the one who needed it most.)
I am sure you are well over your ear infection guilt but let me offer this … I have three kids. Two I breast fed one I did not. My exclusively formula in a bottle baby is now 13 years old without ever having had one single ear infection. Not a one. My two breast fed kiddos both have tubes. So much for that theory.
My son is 10 1/2 months old and still breastfeeding. It took a lot of time and effort to get to a point where every nursing sessions wouldn’t be stressful. But it was something I was extremely passionate about. My best friend had her daughter just a few months after I had my son and she choose not to nurse. I never.questioned it. And after seeing how many bottles she washed, cost of formula a month, waking up walking to the kitchen at 4am for feedings, I knew I had taken the easier road.
I am so glad that you are putting the guilt behind you. There are a million good choices to make as far as our children are concerned. No one necessarily better than another.
Bravo! I was with you 100%. I think breast feeding is great if it works for you. I thougt it sucked and it never worked. Boo was starving and I was pissed off.
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Best. Post. Ever.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Breastfeeding was the worst experience of my life. I suffered from mastitis CONSTANTLY and had 103 degree fevers every other day. After months on antibiotics, and months of my beautiful son and fantastic husband suffering as well, I even frickin’ had to have surgery for a breast abcess. It was absolutely horrendous.
We all do the best we can, and we should be incredibly proud of that.
Firstly, I applaud you for making the decision that was right for you and for your child. And that decision is no one else’s business.
But… I shudder to hear anyone use the words “Breastfeeding” and “Nazi” in the same sentence. I know about exaggeration for effect but really? Comparing a group of Mum’s to a group of people who tried to wipe an entire race off the face of the earth?
It’s a pity because without that one small sentence I’d have happily been a breastfeeding mum, cheering on a formula mum.
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I loved nursing, but I would have gotten tons more sleep and been a less grumpy mom if JDaniel had been given formula. He wanted to nurse all day and all night.
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I breastfed all 4 of my children (even a set of twins) and while I think my decision made life easier in many ways, I completely understand and respect a mother’s decision not to do it. Ultimately, you have to take your own sanity into consideration. If you happen to have a baby who prefers the bottle to the breast, then by all means, keep both of you happy by bottle feeding. It makes me so angry to see self-righteous mothers who tisk and wag their index fingers at moms who choose not to nurse. You know your own situation better than anyone else ever could.
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I tried it also, but I didn’t have enough milk and my baby was starving. I had a terrible birth. They started inducing me on a Wed. and she was finally born via C-section on Fri. night. She is 17 now and doing great. I was really hard on myself too. We stayed with my parents after the birth because I couldn’t hardly take care of myself much less her too. I remember the morning I decided to stop. I had tried everything for a week and a half and it hurt so bad when she tried to nurse. I was having awful after pains. I started crying that morning, my dad walked into my room saw me crying and went to get my mom. She simply said, “I don’t know why you tried it anyway!” The letting everyone else down was all in my head. Don’t be hard on yourself. The most important thing we can do for our kids is to take care of ourselves too. I have friends who breastfed and their kids still had ear problems. I never really understood the connection. Does breastfeeding make the eustachian tube grow? I thought it was about the tube being too small! Don’t be too hard on yourself. I have learned through the years it is usually me who is the most judgmental!
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I guess I don’t understand why “how” you nurture and feed your child is more important than the actual nurturing and feeding of that child. For women who successfully breastfed, hurray! For those who chose formula (or pumped and bottle fed), hurray too! Birthing and raising a child are enough of an accomplishment – lets not let trivialities diminish it!
Thank you for this article and your experiences. I too have been reading and hear how healthy breast milk is for the baby. I am a first time mom and when you read stuff everything sounds so natural and easy…however I know that that is not always the reality of it. I know there are several difficulties that can arsie when trying to breastfeed. I am nervous. I am going to try as I know at least the first few weeks of breastmilk can be important and crucial to their immune system. I like most mothers want to do my best….thank you for sharing your BEST…it did not necessarily turn out the way you hoped but it did turn out the BEST! Thank you so much for sharing. D~
I didn’t breastfeed either. I tried with baby #1, however she had severe reflux and it just didn’t work. Babies #2 and #3 came at once, and there was no way I was going to sit and breastfeed twins for my entire life. Selfish? Yeah … a bit. I still bonded, cuddled and stared into the eyes of my babies. Bottle or breast, you just have to do what works for you.
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