Dear Oldest Child,
I know you are the firstborn, a leader, and you think you are the boss up in here. I realize you were here first and that greeting two other kids with open arms is extremely difficult for you. You are older, more experienced, and you know more than anyone who has ever walked the earth. But if you don’t zip it and shut your face hole, your momma is going to shut it for you.
You see my dear child, when you argue, disagree, and scream in someone else’s face, they tend to want to punch you in the head, which is what your brother just did, and I can’t say that I blame him. Yes, we practice using our words, not our fists, but the 9-year-old has used all the words he knows to tell you that he wants to play with you, but you can’t always be the boss. You don’t listen to him when he uses his words, and he is searching for another way to put a stop to your obnoxiousness.
I know that you know how to do things your younger siblings don’t, so you should take your knowledge and teach them instead of barking in their ear that they are doing it wrong. Your patience and kindness will not go unnoticed, I assure you.
It’s also not necessary to interrupt people every time they open their mouth. Sometimes it’s nice to just put a sock in it at the dinner table instead of disagreeing with everything they say, especially when they are telling a story about what they did at recess. To my knowledge, you weren’t there when Tommy shoved your sister off the monkey bars because you go to a different school.
Gratuitous tattling is another little habit you need to stop as of yesterday as well. When you catch your sister sneaking snacks and come running to me with candy bar wrappers falling out of your pockets, I am going to find it a little suspicious. You are not the town crier. I realize it’s not fair that she snuck one piece of candy and you only snuck 10, but I think you will live. I just can’t listen to the tattling anymore. Your screams all sound the same to me.
If your brother is happily playing in his own little world, then for the love of all that’s holy, leave him the hell alone. Pestering and pissing people off is your jam and you are very good at that, but if it doesn’t stop, your brother and sister are going to do some jamming — of their feet in your ass — and I might be in the shower and unable to save you.
It’s not your job to parent; it is mine. Got it? Mine. I waited a very long time to boss people around. You are not the star of this show — I am — so stay on your side of the street. You go play, lose yourself in a daydream, grab some chips, or climb a tree, and leave the hard stuff to me. I decide when your siblings are screwing up — not you. There will be plenty of time for you to boss your own kids around, and trust me, if you think it’s fun now, just wait. You are going to love the hell out of it later in life.
This is a happy fucking family, dammit. It would make things a lot more delightful if you could just shut your mouth when you are talking to someone every once in a while. Do it for the sake of screen time. Do it because I know deep down you really love your brother and sister, and someday you are going to need them really bad, like when you need help moving into your first place, your car breaks down, or you need a best man to stand with you as you say your vows.
So for now, I suggest you straighten up and fly right. You may be the oldest sibling in this house, but you are outnumbered, and when your younger siblings figure this out, there may be a price to pay. So take a load off. There is still time to save yourself, and more importantly, my sanity.