Jill Smokler, AKA Scary Mommy
@scarymommy
Latest posts by Jill Smokler, AKA Scary Mommy (see all)
- The Disney Reveal - May 14, 2013
- Met My Match At Disney… - May 13, 2013
- Sunday’s Baltimore Sun - May 11, 2013
Having a girl is hard. I mean, mine isn’t even six yet; she’s years away from puberty, and it’s still hard…
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I have issues with food. I am beginning a diet for the 397th time on Monday. The Monday after Thanksgiving, as I have every year that I can recall. I aspire to again fit into my skinny-ish jeans. Not the skinny jeans that I wore in college or the even skinnier ones I wore the months leading up to my wedding, but the skinny-ish ones I wore after I had Evan. Before that, I was at my smallest weight ever months during the months after Ben was born. His hospital fridge was stocked with Enfmail and Slimfast. I was motivated. I was ready. And I got there, but just couldn’t maintain it. It’s actually the reason I went off of birth control pills; the notion of being able to eat again over-rod my fears of having another child. A year before that, I intentionally got pregnant with Ben to be pregnant during my college roommate’s wedding. Being the knocked up bridesmaid was far preferable to being the heaviest one.
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Lily refuses to wear flowy clothes. She claims they make her look “flat” and by “flat” she means “fat” and it’s tragic and funny all at once. She’s not even six years old for crying out loud.
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When I was about ten, I stole a candy bar from a supermarket. I clumsily shoved it in my pocket while an off duty security guard watched and reported it my parents who were mere feet away. I know they were concerned: What deep-seeded issues did I have? Did I need therapy? Have an eating disorder? What should they do? Nothing, I thought. I just wanted a fucking candy bar.
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Lily has been sneaking food from home. I find wrappers under the bed and smell chocolate on her breath. I see myself in her and it scares the shit out of me. I don’t want to be like my parents and limit junk food so rigidly that it becomes an obsession, but I feel like she needs strong boundaries. She’s built like a dancer and probably will never have the issues with weight that I do, but I want to do right by her. I am determining a life-long relationship with food for her, and the responsibility overwhelms me.
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Being a girl is hard.
Having a girl is even harder.
{ 170 comments… read them below or add one }
i hear you loud and clear.
Bitchy is obsessed with exercising- and it frightens me. I’ve been “dieting” for 15 years now, and I know that it has impacted my girls. I just add it to the list of ways I’ve f*#*&ed up my kids.
However, I promise myself EACH DAY that I will be a better mother. Yeah. I’m in that club. But, I do try. I really, really do
Excellent post. I’m glad you were brave.
I so admire the way you talk about your girls. You’re doing something very right.
I particularly like the way you have a derogatory nickname for your daughter. Kudos!
Jaden recently posted..Prayer- Take credit for outcomes without lifting a finger!
I’ve struggled with food and weight all my life. I starved myself for years so I could be the skinny girl. Now I’m trying to eat reasonably and exercise. But it’s really hard. Weight and acceptance in my family are linked. I feel ya. I have no answers. But I feel ya.
Excellent post. Raising girls is hard. I had to school my husband on not using the “f-word” in front of her when she was younger. We got through it, so will you.
.-= Headless Mom´s last blog ..Click for Clutter: Christmas is Coming! Edition =-.
Oh, sweetie. Being a mother of a girl is so hard. We have to model good eating habits, we have to not let them get fat, we can’t let them see us diet, we have to be fucking perfect.
We’re all just muddling along.
.-= Marinka´s last blog ..Happy Thanksgiving. Your Manners Suck =-.
My tween has started doing this barely eating thing. I don’t like it. I can’t tell if its the begining of eating troubles or if she’s just not having a growth spurt and slowing down with the eating, and that scares me. *hugs*
Girl’s are hard.
Im glad you posted this. I think all to soon “body image problems” is introduced to children. My 7 year old son fights about wearing his coat because it makes him look “fat”, and sadly Im sure its partly my fault because I fuss about being “fat” alot.
Im sad your going through the same thing but in the same sense Im glad Im not alone. I pray my daughter doesnt pick this up. And Im going to be right there with you on Monday starting my diet and praying that I can actually hold with it for once. Not just for me- but for my kids as well.
Im glad you were able to get this off your chest, and know that you arent the only one out there. (((HUGS))
http://threeloudkids.blogspot.com
.-= Stephanie´s last blog ..♥ Winter Giveaway ♥ =-.
Oh, you are right…it is so hard. Mine are 3 and 1 and I already see it in the three year old. We have to be very conscious of what we say in front of her….even saying “you’re getting so big” or “you’re getting so heavy” while they aren’t ill-intentioned can be harmful, right?
We try to focus on the good things, and not so much about looks but about smarts and personality. It’s HARD!
.-= Krystyn´s last blog ..I’m thankful… =-.
I wish I had advice to help you with this but I got nothing. I struggle with the same issues and I worry about what its going to do to my daughter.
.-= Jen @ buried with children´s last blog ..Fashion Friday =-.
You should start a club, I would join and buy the t-shirt. I have 2 girls ages 8 and 10 and they are already obsessed with their weight. It really concerns me. My mom was bulimic and I had to witness her in and out of the hospital my entire childhood. We’re estranged now but my brother showed me a photo of her yesterday and she’s easily 350 lbs now. I freaked out, made a comment about getting back to my workouts after Thanksgiving. This morning my 8 YO asked when we were going to run off the turkey and pie. She’s skinny as a rail so if anything she needs to eat more turkey.
My approach with the girls is all about making healthy choices. We all go to the gym 2-3 times a week. No one eats after 7:00. We have balanced meals and they help me with menu planning and shopping. You have the right attitude. This is a lifestyle we are creating for our girls.
Thanks for your post. I’m glad I’m not the only mom who thinks about these things.
.-= Susan @susiehousewife´s last blog ..Food! =-.
I totally relate. I was always struggling with my weight as a child… and still fight with it.. starting a diet every monday just like you (but I swear this time Im sticking to it!… again).. and I worry for my daughter too- I hope she never has the body image issues I’ve been carrying my whole life, and even though shes so young. I do think about it and how I would I handle it in the future.
Its tough.
.-= complicated mama´s last blog ..T’was the night before Black Friday =-.
Sigh…
Just…SIGH…
I appreciate your candor. I also appreciate you for many other things…(a) making me crave a Snickers bar, which I won’t have to steal, as I have one here…(b) your desire to do right by your daughter…and (c) starting a diet on Monday. I. Am. Too.
Being a girl is hard…having a girl is harder…brilliantly said, my dear!
.-= Lula´s last blog ..He Makes Me Smile. =-.
I love your honesty. I’ve struggled with my weight my whole life, and now that I’m trying to start my own family, I already worry about these same eating issues. (I’ve even put off having kids until I can lose some weight, knowing I’ll gain more when I’m pregnant.) I don’t want to pass down my body image issues.
I think I’ll feel good if I can just teach my kids to eat and feel healthy, no matter what pants size or scale number they think they should be. Or maybe this is a case where the kids become the teachers and they’ll give me a reason to feel better about myself.
Thanks for bringing up this issue. It’s so important.
.-= Mommy In The Making´s last blog ..Gratitude =-.
Amen, my sister. As a big woman and a Mom of a 16 year old girl (and two little boys who eat like they are in a competition), it’s hard to instill good eating habits and a healthy relationship with food. My daughter has a peep addiction which is funny now but will ultimately bite her in the huge ass when she’s older.
When I was growing up my mom was thin with a VERY healthy self-esteem (still has it, although she’s not as thin as she used to be). In fact, her attitude was “I’m not perfect, but pretty darn close.” Somehow, despite that, I have body issues. Always have. When I was 110 pounds and now at *coughcough* pounds. I have never looked in the mirror and loved what I saw. Never.
As parents, we can only do so much. You love them and tell them how wonderful they are and hope for the best.
Glad you posted this!!
.-= Cara´s last blog ..Gobble Gobble =-.
My mom majorly restricted junk food – and I rebelled by eating a ton after I got out of her reach. Now I’m quite overweight. Well, the two babies had something to do with it, but I eat emotionally like a million people I know.
When my kiddos scream that they are starving or want a snack and they clearly should be full – I often will offer them a piece of fruit or nothing – it’s about 50/50 of what they choose. They are always hoping for junk… I’m not looking forward to my 2 year old becoming 6. ugh.
.-= The Marketing Mama´s last blog ..The pink glove dance – hospital video goes viral =-.
I have also struggled with weight all of my life. At any given point in my life I have been on a diet or have been unhappy with my weight. The problem with that is that I let my weight and my body image bleed into every other part in my life and steal my confidence. What exactly does my weight have to do with my ability to properly mother my children or perform well at my job? NOTHING! Still… I cannot master my mind. At present I am at my heaviest since having my children. It is a constant struggle.
.-= JenniferG´s last blog ..Fitness Friday…Get Back On Track After The Holiday =-.
No words of wisdom, just admiration for your honesty and for encouraging the conversation.
You can be a good doctor and still smoke. You can be a good therapist and still have marital problems. You can be a great mother to a girl, and still struggle with the societal pressures on women.
xoxo
.-= Ann’s Rants´s last blog ..Potential Blog Taglines: =-.
I saw your tweet that you posted something maybe to honest, and I’m so glad I stopped by to read. Awesome post and so raw. I worry so much about messing up my boys. Being a parent is the hardest thing ever and the most rewarding. I only have boys and that’s hard enough. I know girls are more complicated. Loved your post.
This post makes me grateful that I stopped dieting well before my girls were born. I “discovered” fat acceptance when I was 22 and it literally changed my life. I haven’t dieted since, and most of the time I am comfortable in my own skin. (My size 18 skin.) I surround myself with friends who don’t diet or talk about being fat/not being fat, and who embody a variety of ways of being beautiful and interesting. I don’t have fashion magazines in the house and we don’t have cable, so the only exposure my girls (six and four years old) have to cultural norms of beauty are through billboards and other outdoor advertising.
And somehow it seems like it’s working — or I’m just lucky. My oldest is a clothes horse – she loves to put together outfits – but she doesn’t seem to care how she actually LOOKS in them. She relates to her body mainly as a tool to get things done.
I feel like I’m dodging a bullet, and I know this is too good to last – sooner or later my girls will have friends who diet, or they will decide that I am too fat and they don’t want to be like me. Or they will gain weight (they are both slim now) and we’ll have to confront the issue together. But for now, thank goodness, it’s a non-issue for me. I wish it were for you, too.
I will be rooting you on….all of us women need to come together and love each other”s body for what they are…good luck! :)
.-= Stephaine @ Geezees´s last blog ..Remember when shopping this holiday season RED IS THE NEW BLACK friday =-.
You just keep instilling in her how beautiful she is, and what is important about who she is. Even if you struggle (hello! My name is over eater and abuser of food.) too, you can still help her…
That said, I’m so glad I have boys! Seriously. So glad.
I just ate my 3rd pillsbury crescent roll of the evening, after a HUGE ginormous bowl of salad. I’m trying. Sometimes.
.-= Julie´s last blog ..Letters of Intent =-.
Gosh, I have not thought about what’s ahead, but it is very real and I’m sure I will be dealing with the very same problems in a few years. I too starved myself and maintained it for a few years, slowly gaining the weight back the happier I got. I used to purposely leave all of my money at home so I could not buy food when I was taking college classes from 8am-8pm. I’d go to the gym at dinner time and told my parents I’d eat later, and then I pretended to eat when I got home., having maybe a bite or two. So many of us have these issues. Food is just too damn good. I hope you don’t blame yourself for your daughter’s newfound behavior. There are countless sources of influence these days. Good luck, and I hope everything works out well.
.-= The Penny-Pinching Mama´s last blog ..Rudolph’s Gift Guide Day 27: Seagate Portable Hard Drive Review & Giveaway! =-.
It is hard. I’ve struggled with body image my whole life. I now have a 9yr old and 1yr old girl. Recently I’ve forced myself to adopt “healthy eating” habits around them althought – will still have my starvation or even bindging moments. I’m starting diet/exercise plan #213 tomorrow. I’m doing it to be healthy but it’s also so because I don’t want to avoid the camera or mirrow anymore. I’m with you on this. I hear my daughter say things like “this makes me look puffy” and I reassure her she’s perfect. Hypocrite I am.
Being a girl is hard.
When I first found out I was pregnant w/ my daughter, the thought of raising a girl scared me to death. It still does. The fact that each and every one of us have some sort of issues regarding weight, beauty, etc… is so difficult, let alone knowing you will have a daughter who will inevitably go through the same thing. The best we can do is keep the conversation open. So thank you for doing so with this post!
.-= Corinne´s last blog ..Is it enough? =-.
Agreed. Weight is much talked of in our house – but in a Mum is sick as she has something wrong with her that makes her not eat – you are beautiful , kind of way. And I still feel like I’m screwing up my daughter. I will freak out should she diet. I will be overly body image concious about her and I hate that.
Thank you for posting this. Now I know I’m not alone in thinking/worrying about this and finding it so hard.
.-= april´s last blog ..Dear Santa =-.
It IS hard, I agree. While my problem was not weight, I have seen others of my problems reflected in my own girls. It is somehow completely different with my boys. It’s tough to see your children following you in your weaknesses and knowing full well what they have ahead of them.
.-= Lolli´s last blog ..A Penny In the Ocean, A Penny in the Sea =-.
Sorry, one more thing. I have to disagree with Krystyn – telling your three-year-old that she’s getting “big” or “heavy” is NOT harmful! She is getting big, she is getting heavy. She’s growing, of course she’s getting big and heavy!
What’s harmful is treating the words “big” and “heavy” as if they’re dirty words. Your reluctance to celebrate her bigness is going to linger in her mind and make her wonder if growing bigger is a bad thing.
Fantastic post. I definitely agree with you on all points. Having two girls while also constantly struggling to maintain an unattainable weight myself. If you figure out the answer, on either count, please let me know.
I think I worry the most about the images to which they’re exposed: the barrage of rail thin women all over the television. An unrealistic expectation that we’ll never be able to match. The airbrushed photographs which depict terribly altered images of people who don’t even truly exist. *Shudder*. The teen years are going to SUCK.
.-= Peaches´s last blog ..Thankful. =-.
I’ve caught Hannah sneaking candy a few times. Or I’ve found the evidence… empty wrappers stuffed under the armchair.
GAH! I know what you mean, how do you handle it? I worry if I make too big a deal about it, then I’m actually doing more harm than good…
.-= Shannon´s last blog ..Giving Back. =-.
I have the opposite problem. Skinnyness runs in my family. Unable to gain weight. My 4yo is skin over bones and there is nothing I can do about it. My 2yo girl is skinny too. I could start feeding them all the junk food in the world to try to make him fatter, but I refuse to (and I dont think it would hlep anyway). I think it is better that they learn good eating behaviours now.
And…since we’re all being honest and shit around here….it was ME that finished off 1/4 the remaining pumpkin pie today (ok, so it was probably more like 1/3). I couldn’t stand the pie staring me in the face everytime I entered the kitchen. So I did it. In the kitchen. Hovered over the sink with a fork. Nary a plate in site.
.-= Peaches´s last blog ..Thankful. =-.
I totally relate. Until the year after college I was training to be a professional ballet dancer. I flip-flopped between anorexia and bulimia mixed with a little sleeping in saran wrap, etc to try to maintain the stick thin ballet body.
The upside, people told me all through my school years that I should be a model. The downside, I had the worst self esteem and was EXTREMELY depressed.
After therapy and quiting dancing, I finally got my eating habits in check. I no longer diet or monitor what I eat. If I want chips, I eat chips. And this actually keeps me at a good weight with no yo-yoing. Now am I saying that I wouldn’t want to be even skinnier? Nope. Bad habits never completely die. But at least I’m skinny enough and most importantly, happy.
I’d recommend that you take the same approach with your daughter. Prepare healthy meals for your family and if (and when) she eats some junk food, don’t make her feel guilty about it. Also, try to not make comments about your own weight around her. She’ll emulate what you do because she looks up to you.
Best of luck,
Lindsay
.-= Lindsay´s last blog ..Photoshop Tutorial: Fixing Red Skin =-.
Being a girl is hard. Having a girl is even harder.
Yes. Both are true. That’s why I keep calling my girl “beautiful” a million times a day. To remind her that both she is and her mind is…. beautiful. I (probably should not be saying this but whatev) saw a very ugly UGLY ugly baby in the mall one day and the mother kept on repeating the words “handsome” to the troll looking baby. It convinced me that no matter what, a mother’s constant affirmation meant more than anything.
Dude. The kid was UGLY.
.-= OHmommy´s last blog ..A Blogging Thanksgiving =-.
Wow. You know, I can really relate. I had an ED forom about the time I was 16 til I was 21. I was in and out of hositals and therapists’ office. I was on mess. I was eating. I was not eating. I eas piling. I was bingeing. And now, I am 32. With a daughter of my own. What if she has the same issues I had? Looking back, I had a great childhood. If anything my mom and dad did more for us than we could have imagined and I was still screwed up. What’s more frightening is… What if I project my own issues on her and the way she eats or looks? Is there anything easy about parenting?
1) I now want a candy bar
2) I read somewhere that, I think it was 90% of women in western societies feel grossed out or disgusted by their body in some way.
3)There was a Fiji island that had no tv, and a long standing cultural belief that you were only skinny if you were fallen on hard times somehow. Bigger=better, for real. The researchers couldn’t find even 1% of adolescent girls with eating disorders, that’s how few there were.
3 years after tv was introduced, eating disorders, diets and self-induced vomiting had sky-rocketed. (I don’t have the exact number in front of me) but it’s damn scary stuff. Hang in there mama.
.-= thepsychobabble´s last blog ..I’m not here today =-.
Amen.
We have all had body images issues. Thin, big boobs, perfect features- it’s shoved down our throats daily.
I wish it really was “a village” and that I could count on ALL women to build the next generation of women up- not put them down.
Being thoughtful about it is the most important thing you can do- and, make sure she knows there is SO much more to a women than pretty and/or thin- and, I have a pretty strong feeling you are raising a strong, self-assured young lady.
T
.-= Tiffany´s last blog ..A new car, a huge spider, and a miracle baby. =-.
I worry enough dragging my son with me to WW meetings every week… you are right. It would be harder if he were a girl.
Bravo for your bravery here! We all hear you and can sympathize!
.-= Emily´s last blog ..Transition: part three =-.
Five or so years ago, my son (now 13) was friends with some girls (3 sisters) who lived down the street. One day the kids were all in my kitchen and I made them chocolate banana smoothies. One of the girls turned to me and said, “Wow, I have to remember I had this so I don’t have desert this week. I don’t want to get fat, you know.” Seriously, these kids were in freaking elementary school. I was speechless–which is a very unusual thing for me. All I could think was, “for pete’s sake, life is short. Enjoy a damn smoothie.”
Great post. I have two boys. I can’t imagine having girls. So scary. And yet such a great opportunity to shape the future women on tomorrow. Wow. Maybe that’s scary? I’m working on shaping some men. Lily is going to be amazing!
Amy
.-= Amy Flanagan´s last blog ..The older I get the more little boys I see wearing suits. =-.
For increasing numbers of parents, this is is starting to be a problem with boys too. I came across my first case of male anorexia professionally last year.
.-= Tim´s last blog ..Mists and mellow fruitfulness… =-.
My own 6 year old never said anything to me about her looks – NEVER. Until this year when she started Kindergarten. I don’t know where it happened or how – but I do not like it at all.
Today at lunch she said to me, ‘I’m a healthy eater momma, I’m not fat’. AND the weird thing is that this child of mine doesn’t even like candy or sweets, she goes for a cracker anytime over a piece of chocolate. I told her at lunch today that she is 6 years old and she doesn’t have to worry about how much she weighs – that THAT is my (mommy’s) job to take care of what she eats and how much and when. I told her if she’s hungry to eat, if she is full to stop eating. I asked her if she sees mommy or daddy worrying about what they eat and she said ‘no I don’t’. I told her as long as she continues to eat healthy and remains active her heart won’t get tired and she won’t sit around and have to worry about any extra weight on her body.
Hope this helps and good luck!!
.-= Tiaras & Tantrums´s last blog ..Warm wishes and a heartfelt thank you to my blogging community =-.
Gulp. Can I just freeze mine as toddlers? I’ll keep the temper tantrums? I felt this post around my heart. Thanks for writing it.
Ugh, just today, I was Black Friday shopping with my mom….I was trying on a dress, and I couldn’t zip it all the way up in the back. It was BCBG…you’ve met me, I’m not tiny….It was a really really really really good deal. Regular like $200-something, on sale for $50. I needed it, right? I have a large back. I know that I’m ten pounds away from being in it. But my MOM, tells the salesgirl…Oh she’s lost weight, a ton, but she’s gained a few pounds…She thinks she can fit in it…THANKS MOM~
I’m sorta happy I have a boy. I hope he gets Angry Husband’s genetics…THIN!
Yes. And Yes. I have the same fears you have. I’m worried about my girls worrying about their weight. I’m worried that they will worry about how other people view them. I’m worried that they will worry about being heavy, like mom. It tears me up sometimes.
And that is why, when I was 8 months pregnant and watching the teenaged girls run around at the mall, I broke down. I had huge crying fit in the middle of Lake Forest Mall b/c I was having a girl. And I knew it was going to be the hardest thing I would ever do.
It is hard, very very hard.
.-= @LastMinuteMandy´s last blog ..I’d rather be following along, Week 3 =-.
I too, struggle with weight. Being very overweight my whole childhood/teenage years/young adulthood was hell. My confidence was nearly non-exsistent and what small amount was there was a mask. I wore the biggest clothes I could, I had no shape. Round. Huge. I wish when I was younger someone had enforced something. I ate what I wanted, without limits. I really needed limits and didn’t even know it. Being unhappy and overweight just led to eating and being more unhappy and overweight.
Now that I have lost 50lbs through diet and exercise I feel much better. Alas it doesn’t end there. Now I’m the other way. I’m still a little heavy (average I guess its now considered) and I see myself as that girl who was 5 sizes bigger. I look in the mirror and I’m still fat. I’m obsessed to a point that’s insane. When I eat anything, I feel guilty for doing it. Guilty enough that I want to cry. What I’ve lost is not enough and will never be. I just don’t know what to do. My profile is one that has a small belly. Its normal and I see it on most girls. Most likely, I won’t ever lose it, and yet I obssess over it. Stare at it and do the sideways in the mirror thing. Everyday I ask if I’m getting fat to the point that people snap at me. I’m scared to go back to where I was.
My 12 year old cousin is losing weight quickly. Like the others, I wonder if its a growth spurt or something worse. Her mom was dieting and she told her if she threw up it didn’t count. When do you say something? How without fuleing something else?
I truely hope you can instill healthy eating habits in your child. I think the key is limiting but not excluding. And add exercise in to burn that extra chocolate. No, I’m not saying stick a liitle kid on the treadmill. I wish you luck!
Yes. Being a girl is hard. Being an older sister is hard. I’m 21. and short. Like 5’2 short. At my height I’m supposed to weigh about 120 lbs. I weigh 165. I’ll actually type that out. It’s scary. I’m an F cup, so I jokingly say that my chest takes up at least 20 extra pounds. But it bugs me. I want to have the flat stomach, I want to have visible cheekbones.
And yet this weekend I saw an ex, who is still a dear friend, and in 30 seconds he made me feel sexier than I’ve felt in a year. It was sort of amazing. I know I’m hot. I know it’s ok to have a booty, and thighs and boobs. But it’s really nice to get a reminder sometimes. Because way too often we’re told that skinny is what we need to be to be beautiful. and that’s simply not true.
Good for you writing this and watching out for issues already. You will do right by her by sharing your stories.
.-= pgoodness´s last blog ..Turkey Day in Photos =-.
Excellent post! Obviously it resonates with a lot of women.
I have a four month old and from the day we got home from the hospital I’ve been worried about how she eats. I see my parents’ poor eating habits reflected in my own and hope I can be a better example for her. I look back at a childhood friend who battled anorexia and bulimia from middle school until it ultimately took her life at age 23 and pray that my daughter won’t have those same issues.
.-= Carrie´s last blog ..There’s a first time for everything! =-.
Ugh…I have no answers. I completely keep the fashion magazines out of the house. I don’t want her thinking people actually look that way. She’s 4, I don’t want her thinking about it at all.
That said, she came home from preschool and said “Mommy, Cameron says Fiona is fat. Is Fiona fat?” They’re 4!!!
.-= Nap Warden´s last blog ..Happy Thanksgiving! =-.
Girls don’t just steal and hoard food…my son does it and it scares me to death. love this post and you. xo0
.-= Loralee´s last blog ..OH, this day. =-.
I’ve had food issues, too, and do NOT want to pass on to my kids. My daughter is 19 months old and has a fantastic appetite and my 2.5 year old son truly thinks most food is just there for decoration. I’m constantly coaxing him to eat and trying to keep her from polishing off his plate after her own. And if I didn’t worry he’d starve or she’d eat herself sick, I’d just leave them alone and teach them to trust their bodies’ cues. It took me 30 years to learn (or relearn) how to just eat until full, then stop. It is one thing that should be sooo simple, but of course, it’s just not.
.-= Deb´s last blog ..One on one with The Psychobabble =-.
Add me to the list of mothers of girls who have eating disorders (me, not my daughter). I SHOULD be on my 397th diet, but I have absolutely no self-control so continue to get more and more overweight. I was excited to get pregnant the second time because I knew I lost weight after my first.
My daughter is four. I preach fruit and vegetables. I buy them. I eat them. But I eat everything else, too. I struggle because even if I don’t care enough about myself to keep myself healthy, I don’t want to be such a terrible role model. My daughter does not have the luxury of being built like a dancer. I see in her, already, the thighs, the bottom. She is perfect and not overweight, but I can already see the lines of the body she will have. And I want her to love it.
Yes, it is hard.
We all struggle with these issues. I hate seeing myself in my daughters. I can only hope that they get some of the good qualities that I think I have instead of all the shitty ones – which sadly, they see every single day.
And don’t even get me going on body image and eating disorders.
My 10 year old has a muffin top and thick arms and legs and she doesn’t seem bothered by it. I, on the other hand, want her to be conscious of it and wear the right clothes that will hide those beautiful flaws. So you tell me, who has the disorder??
You are awesome and honest to write this about yourself and your little 6 year old.
thanks for sharing.
.-= SWIRL GIRL´s last blog ..The One In Which She Says "Happy Things-giving!" =-.
This so so awesome and honest, out there, real. What is awesome is that women and girls are given these UGLY images of skinny, unattainable sizes and perfection. The 18 inch waist and 34 inch bust, gross, and even if girls or women attain that size we have a distortion about our appearance. So the love hate with food. I know my son had issues with sneaking food….its scary, you are so afraid that they need to make the right choices and we try to teach them not by our example. Don’t beat yourself up….we do the best we can everyday with the tools we are given. ((HUGS))
.-= Karie´s last blog ..Gifts for Her or Him: Cookware.com CSN Stores =-.
Wow. Reading things like this while having a girl is hard. I am having a REALLY hard time being overweight. I am at the heaviest I have ever been, and it kills me because right before I went on PPD meds, I lost ALL baby weight and then some. After my first, I was already back to my skinny-ish jeans. The other day my son told me I was a fattie. Not because he is mean-spirited, he is only 2. But it made me cringe as well.
.-= Frugal Vicki´s last blog ..Thanksgiving, Black Friday, and Potatoes! =-.
Yet another reason I am so happy to have only boys! I saw me grow up, definitely don’t want that. Eating disorders, worrying about what to wear….kids are mean but girls and downright cruel and evil!
I’m starting my “diet” on Monday too, I’m calling it, “I’m desperate to lose 15lbs before Christmas so I will eat nothing bad for me until then diet”
Good luck with your diet and your daughter!
.-= Erin´s last blog ..ER’s no more, we hope! =-.
It is hard to be a girl and have a girl. I struggle with my weight and so does she. when she was six I used to find food, mostly snacks hidden in her room. It broke my heart and still does that she struggles with her weight. The hard part is being judged,my sister told me it’s a form of child abuse that my teen is over weight and I let her have sugar. I was crushed, you try to do the best for your children and love them no matter what. I try to be a good example but I think I would rather have a heavy teen that thinks she is skinny than a skinny teen that thinks she is fat. I limit our sweets in the house sometimes the only thing here is brown sugar so its not like the cupboard are over following wonka world. I really blame Starbucks and there invention of frappuccinos!
We live in a society where women (and men) starve themselves to become the highly stylized and photo-shopped images they see on TV and in magazines. We hear that our bodies are to be loathed and not loved. It is simply SAD and I applaud you for speaking out on the pressure and difficulty that ALL women in Western society face. It starts much too young. But we, as mothers and women, need to tell our children how beautiful they are and encourage self-respect and confidence. And it is just as important that we tell that to ourselves, too. Because our daughters are watching and listening. And if we proclaim disgust at ourselves, they themselves may feel the same way. We are their mirrors. We cannot shatter them. Society will do enough damage as it is.
.-= Aimee @ Ain’t Yo Mama’s Blog´s last blog ..Foodie Friday: Thanksgiving ‘09 – The Verdict =-.
Love this post. So true about girls, and I have 4 so I like to think I know a thing or two or four!:) Just a word to the wise. Beware of the stealing food issue. My 9 year old has done this for years off and on. She is skinny as a rail and we have even had to try and get her to gain weight. Her issue is mainly sweets. We have never withheld them or been overly strict, but we have limited them and made her earn them by eating healthy. We have tried to show her that there is a balance. Our issue now is she has started stealing money. 2 weeks ago she took $30 out of my purse. She has no explanation as for why she did it. Bottom line, girls are scary and they become too obsessed with body image at much too young of an age. Just beware that food stealing doesn’t just turn into “other” stealing.
Melissa,
your daughter’s stealing of sweets may be rooted in craving. Please do not read addiction here, as that is not where I’m headed. I have a condition called reactive hypoglycemia with insulin resistance (btw, I am still a rail at 115lbs, 5’7″, almost 28yrs with one child and LOTS of food). Basically what it boils down to is the brain not recognizing that the pancreas is producing adequate insulin to balance the sugar (or carbs, perhaps, is a better term) that is coming in. What happens is that about 2 hours after eating, she’ll have a “crash” and get crakny, irrational, tired, etc., and crave something starchy/carby/sugary. At that point, when the sugar is put in, the body’s response is to pump out even more insulin, allowing the body to “burn up” all the fuel she is putting in, in stead of storing any of it. While most physicians may chalk it up to extremeliy high metabolism, excessive physical activity, luck, or whatever, it may be wise to see an endocrinologist. They’ll want to test her thyroid to see if she has grave’s disease, so let them–but have them test the T3 and T4 as well because often this gets overlooked. But, when that comes back just fine (and I’m pretty sure it will), have them test her for the hypoglycemia and insulin resistance (they’ll probably do the glucola test that they use for gestational diabetes first), but when she passes it, have them do a cortisol test (they inject cosyntropin, then draw blood every 30 mis for 2-3 hrs to monitor the body’s response) too. The sooner these things are diagnosed, the sooner they can be treated. I know I might sound like a fruitcake, but I have been there. And, more importantly, this is a prediabetic condition, and diabetes is NOT a road you want her to take. I work in a hospital and I see the effects of diabetes every day~not pretty.
As far as the stealing goes, I can’t help you. My 5yo tried the stealing thing a couple of times, but that was quickly disspelled by swift and unpleasant consequences. She now knows that if she asks, more than likely she’ll get a “sure, Sweet Pea.”…depending, of course, on what it is she wants :)
That’s so true! I worry about the kind of role model I am for my 12-yr-old daughter and I think I might be making a right old hash of it! She adores all things sweet and it scares the pants off me that once she’s in control of exactly what she eats, she’s going to end up looking like Princess Fiona in Shrek…only less green
.-= Muummmeeeee!´s last blog ..The Joy of Sex – hmmm….The Joy of Motherhood – not for the faint hearted… =-.
Great. Another thing to worry about in the long proces of screwing up my kids…
.-= Lori Z.´s last blog ..Thankful Thursday =-.
This is a really difficult topic. I have two girls, and I decided never to say the word “diet” in front of them. I don’t want them to think they have to live a life of deprivation and self-punishment just because they want to eat ice cream. Instead, we have a sweet after dinner every day. Life is hard, but eating shouldn’t be…
.-= Lynn from For Love or Funny´s last blog ..Signs of trouble =-.
I agree 100%. Baby Girl already talks about not wanting to be fat and asks me questions about being fat. She hasn’t yet translated being fat into not eating healthy and not excercising, but I’m sure it won’t take her long.
.-= Jennifer´s last blog ..Decorating the tree, Wordful Wednesday =-.
This hit really close to home. I don’t have kids, but I have been up and down the weight scale all my life.
It sounds like you have the right perspective on it though – strong boundaries, but nothing that will make her obsess.
.-= Grey Street Girl´s last blog ..Blah =-.
Totally agree that raising daughters is incredibly tough. I do think, however, that there are a lot more images of real women in the media so there is hope. The biggest thing we can do for our girls is to see with eyes of love — toward our own bodies as well as theirs. The goal should be healthy, and healthy should be beautiful. So should behavior. Ugliness is more than our external appearance. We are the ones who need to set the standards.
For me, I stopped commenting on my body when I overheard my 4 yo complaining about her big belly.
To help myself with body image, I clipped images from magazines (like Dove’s ads) and put them up on the walls for awhile so I could “get” that women’s bodies are beautiful in all shapes and sizes. Also, I started looking around me at the women I interact with and am friends with. THOSE are my role models now. THOSE are who I compare myself with.
Am I loving? Am I kind? Am I a good person? Do I laugh? Do I give to others? These are the questions I ask when I look in the mirror. Those are the questions I hope my girls ask themselves.
It’s so hard to find that balance isn’t it?
I struggled with bulimia in my 2o’s and still have terrible body image. I’ve never been skinny, my Grandparents used to affectionately say I was ‘pleasantly plump’.
Since having children, the youngest of whom os just 6 months, I’m the biggest I’ve ever been. I’m struggling to find the will power to diet and the mirror is not kind.
I want to rid myself of these neurosis and teach both my children (1 boy and 1 girl) how to have a healthy relationship with food as I never want them to feel like I do.
Thank you for sharing such a thought provoking post and hell, while I’m here have a ((hug)).
.-= Insomniac Mummy´s last blog ..The Bitterest Pill =-.
Great post. I think all you can do is healthily build up her self-esteem and confidence in herself. Unfortunately, there’s not much we can do about societal influences (which are not only affecting our impressionable babies, but us too!). Hopefully, reminding her how beautiful she is will help that a bit.
Love your blog.
It is so hard. Girls will learn more from watching their mother’s actual relationship with food than what we tell them about food/nutrition.
.-= FitMommyNow´s last blog ..Back To Business =-.
I too got caught when I was little stealing a pack of lifesavers but then again I got caught doing everything I shouldn’t have been doing, my Karma is like that.
I don’t have girls but it is not so very different with boys, only they exert energy 24/7 which I guess helps them to be able to eat whatever they want.
Nevertheless, I try my best not to have any of that shit in our house. It is a constant struggle, especially when they go to their friends house and eat cheese dogs and rootbeer floats http://www.isdisnormal.com/2009/05/06/health-food/.
.-= Jillian´s last blog ..The High Activity Level of Boys =-.
I was always small and skinny at 5’1. I was in a size 3 jeans 5 weeks after having my daughter. Now I fall between 115 and 120 and I’m happy for the most part. So I wasn’t surprised my daughter was just as skinny growing up. She ate well, could eat anything in sight and still wouldn’t put on weight.
Then in middle school it was a concious effort on her part, which scared the bejesus out of me and she ended up seeing a nutritionist recommended by her dr. That lasted for 2 years. She hid uneaten food under her bed in her closet, she wasn’t eating in school. I had to actually pull her out of lunch and sit and eat with her to make sure she ate. I was heart sick when we went shopping for sneakers and she asked me, “Do they make my feet look fat?” These were shoes for gosh sakes.
Now she’s married and still skinny, but there isn’t anything like those previous years. Finally she’s healthy.
You do have to begin early with a healthy eating mindset. As hard as it is raising a girl, I believe your mom instincts will kick in and you’ll know when eating becomes a problem. (Hugs)Indigo
.-= Indigo´s last blog ..The Time Thug =-.
I am trying so hard to help my daughters grow up with a healthy image. Coming from a house where mom was always dieting and 5 pounds made her sad, I refuse to let that happen here. I have a cousin who is 7 and she talks about being fat and exercising to get in shape, and it makes me so upset. Just try telling her how fun exercising is and how good it makes you feel. And how delicious fruits and veggies are. She’ll believe you and not see that they are meant to keep you skinny…just a natural part of being healthy.
.-= LZ @ My Messy Paradise´s last blog ..Happy Thanksgiving! =-.
My husband told me months after our son was born that he was glad we didn’t have a girl. He was terrified I would transfer my deep rooted body image issues to our daughter.
Having a girl is really, really, hard. I can only imagine.
Great post.
.-= jodifur´s last blog ..Shoe Friday #56 =-.
I know exactly what you mean. I have it a little easier because I have boys, but I still worry about their relationship with food. I’m starting my 397th diet on Tuesday. First of the month and all.
.-= Stimey´s last blog ..Happy Turkey Day! =-.
It’s hard to know what’s right, especially when you are struggling with weight issues yourself. It would be so much easier if we could just love ourself as is; and enjoy our life now and not when we “lose that 5 (10, 15, or 50) pounds.
.-= Brandy´s last blog ..Gobble, Gobble =-.
My weight does not bother me as much as my face does. And you cannot change your face much, regardless of what Sephora would like you to believe. My nose? Will always be huge and hideous. My hair? Will always be flat and lifeless that no perm could ever save. My cheeks? Always fat and round.
I am not sure which is worse, hating something you can change and feeling frustrated with yourself, or hating something you cannot change and feeling simply helpless.
As a mom of four little girls, I TOTALLY get what you are saying. It’s so hard to maintain a healthy balance and shielding them from a world that is screaming such unhealthy messages is overwhelming. I think, as moms, we have to keep at it though. You are doing a great job and the fact that you are so aware is an amazing testament to what a fantastic mother you are.
I have a 10-yr-old girl. She has always been the smallest in her class, she’s petite and was still wearing her kindergarten school uniform in third grade with the hem let down! Now she is in fifth grade, and she’s gotten a little pudgy. A little bit of a belly. I think it’s the “loading up” before a growth spurt, and when the spurt in height kicks in, she’ll be fine. But she is now obsessed about her belly. It makes me so sad. Yet I also do want her to be conscious of her body and what she eats – her true love is junk food. While I hate that she is obsessing over her “belly fat” at age 10, I also like the idea of her putting the brakes on her junk food to some extent on her own as opposed to me always harping on it. Yet I don’t want to feed her obsession with “fat” either. It’s difficult. I have two older girls that survived their teens without any body image issues. Of course I wasn’t going to make it out of the parenting game without having to deal with it eventually!
.-= Shana´s last blog ..Let us give thanks… =-.
I have been trying to post about this issue since I began blogging. I have probably 20 drafts about it. But I CAN’T. I don’t know why. I’m just too close to it and just so very scared. Terrified to the point that when I even think about it, I feel a strong urge to vomit.
Thank you for your courage and the openness to speak about it. I’m standing behind you, in your shadow, knowing just how you feel.
.-= TheKitchenWitch´s last blog ..And now it’s all about retail…update! =-.
Having and being a girl with weight issues SUCKS! there is no doubt about it. I see it in my 4 year old already and it BREAKS my heart. What to do is a whole other matter. Restrict, indulge, ignore, obsess, its all wrong. We talk a lot about how everyone is different and perfect in our own ways.
Oh sweetheart. I’ve been the fat sister going on 24 years. It’s hard. I know more than most. I had a meltdown over jeans on Friday. But one thing I may suggest (and I don’t have girls so this is just a suggestion from a fat kid) is to not tell her about your diet. Tell her you’re trying to get healthy because that should be your ultimate goal anyway. Exercise and balanced eating will help her see it all in a healthy way. My mom never talked to me about weight, only to tell me that I just had “baby fat” (yeah at 16) and that I was beautiful. That was great but I think we need to talk to our kids about issues (even at 6, she’ll understand healthy) – shoot, someday I’ll probably have to talk to my boys about weight. I know my 2-year-old is a chubby little fella now and I know he’ll go through a stage where he’ll be chunkier just like his dad and just like me. :)
.-= S Club Mama´s last blog ..Happy Thanksgiving (a little late) =-.
So true, being a girl is hard! I remember riding home in the car from a long day of middle school and looking over at my mom’s legs. It was the first time I noticed that hers didn’t flub out and take up nearly as much room as my legs did. She was obsessed with her weight, and I remember thinking that if she needed to be concerned about her skinny self, what the hell was I was going to do about me? I am 31 now and still struggle with it.
On the bright side, if you’re looking for an excuse to eat, Lily might appreciate being the skinny one. ;)
My issues with eating got a lot less disordered and a lot more healthy when I realized that I’m going to be a size 16 and weigh 200 lbs no matter what I do. If your body bounces back to a very specific weight every time, there may be a legit reason for that. I believe it’s possible to be fat & fit & attractive all at the same time, and that thinness isn’t an appropriate measure of “health” no matter what the mainstream media says. I’m happy I hit this stage before I had any daughters because I can directly attribute my earlier obsession with my weight to growing up with a mother who disparaged her own in my hearing constantly. Aforementioned mother has actually jumped on the body acceptance bandwagon as well; I haven’t heard her call herself a “water buffalo” in like a year & a half now! :D
Check it out: you might find something you like.
http://the-f-word.org/blog/
http://kateharding.net/ (<–the first post here is especially timely)
http://www.bfdblog.com/
First time reading your blog, and I got to say, you’re a good writer. As far as deep-seated issues is concerned, life is hard — and we’re all in danger of becoming our parents. Sad but true.
But from a man’s perspective, a beautiful woman is a beautiful woman, and weight is sometimes unrelated to beauty. Sometimes, I ask my fiancee, “Why can’t you see yourself the way I see you?” And the truth is, she’ll never understand because she will never comprehend the joy she provokes in me.
Nietzsche once said, “The mother of excess is not joy but joylessness”. Eating disorders are an excess. I just wish women were able to see the inherent joy they create in their significant others’ lives.
.-= Christopher Trottier´s last blog ..hello friend! =-.
I hear ya. But I’m dealing with hormones, pouting and moodiness… in my 4 yr old. Gah!
The thing is, they learn by watching. They watch what we do. So, we’re screwing them up purely by the fact that we’re screwed up. :P So when I go on a diet, I call it “getting healthy.” And I try not to use the word fat in her presence.
Every time I go on a diet, I get pregnant, which sucks for 2 reasons. Or 3. 1. I now have 4 children. The thought of having more seems to be a real detering factor to dieting. 2. Pregnancy hormones really sabotage a diet. 3. My boobs don’t need to get any longer.
Good luck. I might start Monday too. (And by that statement you can see how successful I’m going to be.)
.-= All My Monkeys´s last blog ..Anti-climactic =-.
Ohh that is awful–I used to steal potato chips from the kitchen and hide them under my sisters bed. Thirty years later I still play weird food games.
I dont have any suggestions for you other than to not make it a big deal to her or she will hide more
.-= paige´s last blog ..Only in my world =-.
Oh girl, I hear you.
Every day thoughts of my body and food consume my thoughts. I obsess and concern over this and that when I look in the mirror.
And it makes me so sad that I spend so much time over something so insignificant.
I was scared to death when I found out I was having a girl…still am…and I just hope that I either get my shizz together or that she never picks up my own issues.
Ugh.
.-= Summer´s last blog ..Holiday How-To…. =-.
I read an old journal the other day, in which I had written
“I weighed in at 132 lbs today and I’m only 4 months pregnant. I swear to god, if I gain another pound I’ll morph into Jaba the Hut”.
I wanted to jump in a time machine and travel back to that day just to punch myself in the face. 3 kids later I would give anything today to be as small as I was when I was 4 months pregnant then.
I have 3 teenage daughters… need I say more?
My heart goes out to you.
.-= Jennifer June´s last blog ..Dear cyst, please forgive me for aborting you. =-.
I totally agree that it is hard to be a girl and even harder to raise one.
I also have a 5 yr. old daughter and she has told me at times that she is fat – far from the truth. Most of the time I can’t keep her pants up unless she wears a belt. Or she’ll say that her legs are fat. It scares me also, but I’m not sure what to do other than to reassure her that she is not fat and try to help her choose healthy snacks but that the occasional “junk” is ok for her.
Thank you all so much for the comments.
Was worried about how I’d feel about this post in the morning, but I’m still glad I wrote it. Sad that these issues bind us all together, but they do. It’s comforting.
xoxo… thinking of you.
.-= nic @mybottlesup´s last blog ..umm… =-.
Being a irl is SO hard and I am already nervous about Sophia too. SHe says she is ugly because her has not really grown yet and he says that her friend’s belly is not round like hers. She is 3 for heaven’s sake and she wants to be skinny with long blonde hair! I too hope that she does not struggle like I did. I am going to breastfeed this coming baby and exercise until I am skinny again. That is my plan. Hope it works and that it doesn;t seem like I am trying too hard in front of Sophia. She is a gorgeous little girl!
My mom just left and while she was here she said she was sorry to tell me but it gets worse. Much worse!
Good luck!
.-= Brittany at Mommy Words´s last blog ..A Whole New Miles =-.
This is my biggest fear–body issues. We try and keep Barbie away. I try really hard to never say anythign derogatory about my own body, and we don’t make a big deal out of food. Of course, my girls are still very young. I know that this ugly little issue will come up before it’s all said and done. Great post. I’m glad you wrote it. :)
.-= Sara´s last blog ..Saturday Night Art Show =-.
Great post. I have boys, so I don’t have to worry about girls, but it was so true for me! That’s starting young though….
.-= Tamara´s last blog ..My Friend, The Neti Pot =-.
So very well said. And sadly, the very reason why I’m so thankful I have two boys. If I ever have a girl, I may actually panic and sell her or something.
What can you do? Teach her to have the same common sense that you know is right, and help her when she starts saying more things like she thinks she’s fat. At the end of the day, she needs to understand that she will always be beautiful to you, and she needs to see that beauty in herself.
Mind you, I suppose I could spout crap since I got the (supposedly) easier route with 2 boys and all. And a mom (me) who feels king-size super-fat every. Freakin’. Day.
.-= Jay´s last blog ..One for the (fucktards on the) Road =-.
I always love your honesty in your writings & posts. I’m not a mom, but I’m fairly certain you have your shit together and how to deal with this all. It is so hard being a girl in this day and age indeed. It took me almost 30 years to realize it’s ok to be chubby. 30 years mind you!
.-= dawn´s last blog ..sweet potato muffins stuffed w/ cinnamon-mascarpone =-.
I have so many thoughts and opinions on this… But the very basic rule I made when I found out that I was pregnant with a girl was that I’d NEVER again complain about my weight or refer to myself as fat (at least not if she can hear me).
I think modeling has a lot to do with it too. So it probably helps to model good eating habits. But beyond that…I guess everyone has to decide what kind of food rules work best for their child – some may do better with firm rules and others not so much…
Maybe taking the focus away from weight and size is the most important thing we can do. By doing everything we can to make our girls feel smart and talented and encouraging them to prioritize activities in which they excel will give them the self worth they need to survive the teen years feeling as normal-sized as possible. Because there is NOTHING we can do about the influence of their friends and media role models who will trump our “but you’re beautiful” arguments every time.
i could have written this post.
i started weight watchers again, for the millionth time. 3 weeks ago.
my daughters are so weight conscious. it makes me sick because of how thin they are. and it scares me because i had an eating disorder.
i totally could have written this post!!
And while it’s just a start I’m thankful for the Dove ad campaign and their commitment to help girls with self – image (check out their website). It’s a small gesture but maybe others will join the bandwagon.
.-= Jane´s last blog ..Black Friday Is Worth Every Penny And Then Some =-.
happy sunday! godbless!
.-= marielle´s last blog ..Camera Critters #1 =-.
Being a girl/woman IS hard. And body image only scratches the surface. I actually had a very close aunt who died because of bulimia/alcoholism when she was in her early thirties. BUT I still constantly think about my weight. It’s sick.
And this is just ANOTHER reason I’m glad I didn’t have a girl!
It is too hard. And I think it’s harder now than it was when we were little. I’m going to send a little hug your way for your feelings about yourself as well, though.
Lovely, lovely, lovely post.
.-= Mwa´s last blog ..Everything looks prettier without cynicism =-.
{{{{{Jill}}}}} This post was kind of heartbreaking. Do you have any idea WHY she’s spiriting goodies away to her room? Is she allowed to eat in her room? That’s a no-no in my house. Kitchen is the only place I allow the girls to eat. But then again, my girls are both very thin… at least for now. That’s how I was as a child and now I’m the size of a blimp.
Justine :o )
I know. It was SO HARD to write. Not sure what her motivation is, and I don’t want to make a huge deal of it. She’s not allowed to eat in her room, but I’m lax about eating in places other than the kitchen- the playroom, family room etc…
I totally agree with you! My step-daughters fret over any weight gain – and they are as big as my left leg. But even my boys weigh themselves constantly and I worry. Once I realized all the talk we had in the house about weight, I threw the damn scale away. It has been good for me and good for them.
Great post about a very important topic.
.-= Beth´s last blog ..Them’s fightin’ words =-.
It’s not just girls. I have a friend whose son is going through this right now at 12 and it’s scary. Almost all the help out there is aimed at girls so there is help, you just have to reach out.
I get it. I am a recovering anorexic and I worry everyday about my daughter. I do my best to not mention my weight in front of here. To let her seem me eating healthy and balanced meals and to let her know that mommy runs to be healthy, not skinny. It is so hard an I hope I can raise her to lover herself like I wish I could!
I can SO relate. To everything. ((HUGZ!!))
.-= Stacy (the Random Cool Chick)´s last blog ..Quotable Sunday – First Day of Advent: Hope =-.
Food is such a challenging thing in this age of plenty in which we live. Biologically we’re wired to eat whatever’s available, whenever it’s in front of us, since once upon a time in human history that’s what was required to survive. Circumstances have changed (for many of us, anyway), but evolution is slow.
It seems to me there’s a close link between attitudes about food and attitudes about sex. In my view, both are wonderful, pleasurable, satisfying, and absolutely necessary components of being a happy human. But both can so so terribly wrong if abused or approached in an unhealthy way.
Sorry to say I have no useful input on how to approach your daughter. Your head seems to be in the right place about the path you want to set her on, but how to execute that? No clue. I do think the most powerful tool we have with our kids is our own example, but you seem keenly aware of that already.
Good luck.
.-= badassdadblog´s last blog ..technorati verification =-.
–>I used to hide junk food in my room as a child only because I didn’t want my older brother and sister to eat it first. Just a thought…
~deb
.-= WebSavyMom´s last blog ..A Favorite Thing – Dancing Naked Lady Glasses =-.
Hi there, I just stopped over from Vodka Mom’s. She’s right, this is a terrific post.
Being a girl is hard. Does it ever get easier? I’m starting the same Monday after Thanksgiving diet as you. Ugh.
I’ll be back again soon.
jj
Having a daughter scares the crapola out of me. Because I? Have a ridiculously awful body image…and go on a diet almost as often as I open my mouth to consume some chocolate.
I’m trying to teach myself not to bash myself in front of her…but it’s hard.
Good luck. You’ll find your way. We all will. Right?
.-= amber´s last blog ..Can a Mama Get Some Help? =-.
I agree. When Kendall was younger, we used to shower together in the morning (we have a double shower), and I was very conscious of modeling acceptance of my body (even though I am actually pretty critical of my body.) I felt it important, and I’m glad I modeled acceptance, because she has her sht together in that regard. Conscious parenting makes a difference.
.-= Mrs4444´s last blog ..Sundays in My City =-.
That is so terribly young. I feel for you.
.-= debbie´s last blog ..My Holiday Wish List, Inspired by the AMAs =-.
Hard to feel for ya when there are so much tears in my eyes… but my heart goes out to you. Honest. :)
.-= San´s last blog ..Fun With My 2yo Boy =-.
Great post and discussion. Sounds tough. The gals in my family certainly noticed mom’s diets, and took away some emotional eating etc form that… I have a pretty good body image and feel reasonably slender[ish] at size 12. I’m hopeful that I could model good behavior for girls. I think I model healthy self-image for some friends already.
Parental affirmation of beauty and intelligence does go quite a ways, I think –those helped me to be confident, I believe.
Good luck!
i hear ya. i have 4 daughters – ALL shapes and sizes and even though i’ve lost weight myself in the past, i STILL don’t know if that sent the right message. it’s hard alright.
.-= scrappysue´s last blog ..photostory friday: black and white =-.
God, please don’t tell me this. My daughter is 8 1/2 months. I dread the day she starts worrying about body image. I fear it less than dating, but fear it nonetheless. Both her mother and I have always had body image issues and of course we’re concerned that we’ll impress that on her…though her brother eats like a horse and doesn’t seem to mind one bit.
I just want her to be happy and healthy. As long as I continue to strive for that, I think it’s the best I can do.
Good luck with Lily…I’ll be paying close attention!
.-= Mariano´s last blog ..The Web and You Blog Carnival – November 24, 2009 =-.
I have issues with food and eating, too. I too am on my 2 billionth diet… starting today. Kicking out the carbs, yet again. I’ve had the hardest time losing weight since having kids… and my youngest is almost 2. I’m glad I don’t have girls because I imagine it would be so very difficult to deal with things like what your Lily is saying to you – she’s a child, and perfect, and beautiful, and the fact that she says she thinks she looks ‘flat’ in something must be so hard to hear and to deal with. Good luck…
.-= Loukia´s last blog ..An OH-Mc-Scary holiday interview! =-.
Wow – incredibly written, Bean, and certainly hits close to home!
I want a girl so badly, but at the same time there are issues. I also watch my best friend deal w/these sorts of issues with her 5 year old son, and it’s really hard. (Hugs)
Maybe she’s just addicted to sugar? We forget sugar is addictive like a drug, it might not have anything to do with body image or eating disorders. Maybe she needs to learn that foods have different effects upon the body, instead.
I used to sneak sugar, and by the time I was a teenager, I was flat out hypoglycemic, fainting if I didn’t have refined sugar a few times a day. Then, I learned my paternal grandmother had diabetes and required daily insulin shots. Shots? Oh, hells no. That was enough for me, it’s been much easier to say no to sugar ever since.
.-= San Diego Farmgirl´s last blog ..Bavarian Bundt =-.
Ah, perfect. A bundt cake was my most recent post, and here I am saying I turn down sugar! haha But, for the record, I did only have a little bit of this awesome cake. The last of it sat on the counter for days until I finally threw it away. The old Heather would have licked the frosting off the platter as soon as nobody was looking. Maybe sooner than that.
.-= San Diego Farmgirl´s last blog ..Bavarian Bundt =-.
You were beautiful at my wedding and were always going to be the prettiest no matter what…skinny or with triplets. There was no competition!
Great post! I too have a daughter who is 8… she started wanting thinner thighs at 6 already because of comments from school. So many of her friends are on ‘diets’ – at age 8!?? THat’s because they hear their mums talk about dieting and weight and see all the ads on billboards with skinny women…
We have to fight back!
.-= Lady Fi´s last blog ..It’s just a number… =-.
My mother suffered from bulimia for many years. When I was 12 she entered into a rehab program for 3 months. It was a groundbreaking way to treat an eating disorder in 1987. She stopped being actively bulimic, but that tendency to obsess about food and her body has never gone away. Having grown up in that environment, I know that part of the reason I will never, ever really like the way I look is due to the role model I was given. However, I was also given the model of a woman who asked for help and admitted she had a problem. That’s fucking hard to do. When I found out I was having a girl, my first emotion was fear. It is so much harder to be a girl these days. I think the best thing I can do is keep the lines of communication open, especially when it comes to body image. I look at my rolly-polly 6 month old and I wish she could stay oblivious to everything but mommy and staying warm and fed forever.
I have a love-hate relationship with food, and I’m terrified that I will pass that on to my daughter (if I’m blessed with a daughter). It’s way tougher raising a girl than a boy, we’re held to much higher standards.
.-= Allison´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday – Ducky’s Adventure =-.
I hear you babe. That scares me too. I don’t believe in feeding junk food to the girls, but I don’t want to get so obsessive than she starts bingeing as a result. God, that’s a terrifying thought. Giving my daughter an eating disorder because I tried to keep her healthy. It’s hard to find that line, isn’t it?
.-= Elisa´s last blog ..Craving: studded boots =-.
This terrifies me, too. I have battled weight my whole life (and have years of eating disorders and therapy to show for it). I don’t want my daughter to go through the same.
It’s nice to see I’m not the only one who is overwhelmed.
Great post.
Thanks!
.-= Lazy Mom´s last blog ..Proud Procrastinator! =-.
I can totally relate to your post.
So far, my girls (I have a 6-year old, and a 5-year old) haven’t made any negative remarks about their own bodies, but I have to catch myself from talking about my own (negative) body image in front of them. On the other hand, I do want them to understand that being overweight is not healthy, and that it is easier to eat a healthy, balanced diet now than to struggle with weight their whole lives.
My kids are skinny-minnies, so far. I was skinny as a child too, but now I’m about 15 or 20 pounds over my happy weight. I want my kids to have self-control, but when I back off and try to let them set their own limits, they don’t. Set any limits, I mean. Meanwhile, I’m chewing off my own fist trying to just let it play out, when every inch of my inner being is screaming at me to intervene.
I have to say I relate and a little too well! I have SIX daughters! I feel like it is my responsibility to teach them to eat “healthy” but I fear if I say too much I will drive them to an eating disorder. My husbands family struggles with obesity and heart problems. I try to focus on the “healthy aspect” and not the”fat/skinny” aspect. Keeping them active is also a way to teach health without talking calories.
Good luck!
Geesh… We must be kindred spirits… I have a 5 yr old who does the same thing… Were our mother’s this scared?
This is such a raw post. I relate to it all too well. Yet, and I say this in all honesty knowing you in real life, I don’t see where you should to have issues where you are now. Really Jill, you are amazing. I’ll confess I thought you were hip, stylish, smart and so “with it” that I sort of fell like the frump around you. Look back at the pictures from Jeff’s friend’s wedding in the summer.. um GORGE! Yes dear that is YOU and you look amazing. That said though I feel your pain. We all have to find that self-image we are happy with. A lot of that is tied to our body image. Having a 10 year old who IS having a lot of these problems now I feel helpless. I mean I can’t even get my shit straight how the hell am I going to help her? It really is a struggle. People can spout all that psycho-Dr-Phil babble at you all day long. In the end though it comes down to trying to find balance, which I think is a life long struggle. FYI, boys aren’t that much easier! Having a 16 year old son who has girls calling, texting, SHOWING UP AT THE HOUSE all hours of the day and night ain’t a walk in the park babe. HUGS
.-= DiPaola Momma´s last blog ..Give em a piece of your mind! =-.
My boys are 8 and they started sneaking sugary stuff last year. It’s not an issue of weight because they are fit but still it’s like a form of lying…they didn’t even try to ask for it first! It would make more sense if I had said no first!
Your brutal honesty is so refreshing. You are so right about how hard it is to raise girls!
We have been exposed to 250,000 ads by the time we are 17, and most of them scream, “Thin is beautiful, and beauty is everything.” This tsunami of sickly images (usually models that are concentration-camp thin) makes us drown in a sea called “I don’t measure up.”
I am a licensed mental health counselor and am writing a book about the underlying issues behind body image/food problems. These issues are much more about our hearts and our stories than calories and fat grams. Also, research shows that dieting does not work as a long-term solution. In other words, people who diet almost always gain back all of the weight, plus MORE. We get on the sick cycle of dieting, which always leads to bingeing and makes the problem worse. This is because we feel so deprived. I have recently posted an article on my blog called “Real Causes of Food Addiction.” I would love to hear your thoughts as I help people to fight the body image bandit. It’s mostly about our hearts and not our hips or what comes across our lips. Please let me know your thoughts. Thanks, Cherrie http://www.cherriemac.wordpress.com
Fannies: Reflections on Cookie Dough, Life, and Your Derriere
Okay, I read your pet peeves about how to comment so I think I’m doing this right. No plugs, no nauseating politeness, no giveaways (works for me as I have nothing to give away). Here goes…
You are so right about having girls and how hard it is. I have three, now grown (they write my blog with me, in fact, so I guess they grew up somewhat unscathed.) But, two are skinny and one is not (no fault of her own, she actually has a hormonal imbalance but that is a topic for thousands of other blog posts.) so it was exceedingly hard to deal with body image as they all grew up. I know of very few girls who make it through elementary or middle school without thinking they are fat and that’s the best case scenario. Worst case, of course, anorexia/bulimia and we know way to many of those. Continue to tell your daughter she’s neither fat or flat and more times than you can count, tell her she’s gorgeous inside and out and then tell her the inside is all that matters and then accept the fact that none of that helps but, somehow she’ll end up okay.
.-= Debby Carroll´s last blog ..Does the World Need Another Blog? =-.
Mmmm. Yes, the wonder of raising girls. Three of my four do, in fact, own vaginas. My oldest girl is 7 and I have being statements from her for about a year now along the lines of “I’m not eating that. It makes you fat and I HATE fat!” What? Come again?? I’m completely lost. How can a person who now is almost 8 yrs old and weighs 49 lbs know or care a thing about fat? I read a disturbing comment from a fourth grade girl last night that said “It’s not really cool to eat lunch. We just sit around at the table and talk instead.” Gaaa!!! Hearing these things makes me shake in my boots. Not just because of potential for eating disorders, but the implications of an attitude like this encompass so much more. Sigh. Our work is just beginning.
.-= Johanna´s last blog ..Italian Fish Dinner – Dollar Store Style: Broiled Rockfish with Sundried Tomato Pesto, Served with Angel Hair Pasta in a Baby Clam Sauce =-.
I cried as I read this…..it is hard having a girl, and mine is only 2! I am very lucky that, although I am heavy, and have been most of my life, I have no body-image issues….probably because my mother never did. I truly wake up every morning, look in the mirror, and say “SOMEBODY’S FABULOUS”! And reallllllllllly believe it! I am trying to get people to refrain from calling themselves fat around my daughter so that she doesn’t think it’s a bad thing to be NORMAL.
You know.. I have two children of myself. And being over weight has been an issue my entire life as well.. sometimes what we preceave to be true for ourselves, is not what is true for our children. And, perhaps actions is a reflection of your actions, not what she is feeling.
Meaning… don’t beat yourself up. But just don’t make comments about being fat, or your hips, or shakes or any of that with her. In stead take a positive steps like lets go play together.. bake together to teach her to sew, and reminds her that there are much more important things in life then what she wears.
.-= ZNusbaum´s last blog ..Meet Sonny =-.
THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!
.-= Megan´s last blog ..My Favorite…For Today =-.
THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!
I prayed so hard for a boy when I found out I was pregnant. For so many reason. One being the weight issues I have dealt with my whole life. I am horrified to think that my daughter might have to deal with these same feelings. I am a freak about her having very much sugar. She is 16 months old and has never had a piece of candy and has hardly had any kind of cookies. But I am also afraid that once she does have them she will go nuts over them. People totally didn’t get my fears of having a girl….it’s so good to see that I’m not the only one that has them!
.-= Megan´s last blog ..My Favorite…For Today =-.
Hi there,
You’re right – having a girl IS hard – and wonderful. And hard. Mine is 15.
If you haven’t already discovered American Girl’s books (of course you’re aware of the dolls by now, but the books are only $10!) you might find them fabulous for navigating the tough territory of girls. They have a calm and practical approach that girls seem to respond to – especially when they are not listening to their moms. This happens frequently – especially around 8 years old.
Their Smart Girl’s Series is especially helpful – I’ve written two of the most recent books: A Smart Girl’s Guide to the Internet and A Smart Girl’s Guide to Style. I wish I had loads to give out, but I don’t. If you happen to discover them in the store or at your local library, I think you’ll like them. And if you do, I’d love it if you could jot down a review. : )
I am so sorry that you are experiencing this already! I am a high school art teacher and it *breaks my heart* that the anxiety over body image (and worrying about being sexy for boys too!) has oozed like slime all the way down into 1st grade…
I have spent 20 years watching perfectly wonderful, attractive, smart, talented girls endlessly obsess over their weight, developing all sorts of eating disorders, and living with an enormous amount of emotional and physical pain. My experiences with this very issue have led me to become an illustrator/author whose work is dedicated to showing a variety of body types in a positive light.
IMHO, one of the most powerful things a mom can do for little girls is to limit her media exposure, and provide ways for her to shine that have nothing to do with clothes, hair, etc. Praise skills and talents and activities and accomplishments , instead of appearance! Give her a solid belief in all the wonderful things she can do and be, and hopefully she will sail through the body image hell of middle school/high school…
.-= elizabeth´s last blog ..*blush* =-.
As someone who just recently left her teenage years behind, and has no kids of yet, I feel as though any comment I leave here may not be as valid as many of those posted by mothers. I am a Psych major though, and have done ALOT of research into the OTHER eating disorders out there. I’m not going to spout obesity stats (I think we’re all quite aware they’re on the rise), but the “bible” (DSM-IV-TR) by which all eating disorders in the US and Canada are diagnosed includes another category: Eating Disorders Not Otherwise Specified. That is the blanket term for all compulsive eating disorders, including binge eating disorder. Now, seeing as how your daughter is only 6, I sort of doubt she is suffering from an eating disorder of any kind, buuuuuuttttt, “disordered” eating patterns tend to run in families (and your pointing out your attempt to diet again leads me to think that maybe it runs in your family as well)…and, anyways, I’d like to share the story of how MY Mom halted the vicious circle of compulsive eating in our family.
My parents divorced when I was 4 years old. After the custody agreement, I lived with my father and *evil* stepmother, and I became a really heavy-set child (hadn’t been before – but between the ages of 5 and 14, I was always the biggest girl in the class). I snuck candy and *bad* carbs every chance I had. I wasn’t active (my Dad emphasized academics more than anything else), and our diet (ethnic) was definitely high in carbs all around. Two years after having moved in with my mother (at 15 years old), I weighed 20 pounds more than I do now (8 years later). She definitely noticed my sugar addiction (which is something I have yet to kick ;) and handed me a book: When Food Is Love by Geneen Roth. It talks about the emotional ties everyone has to food and eating. I remember talking to her about the book, about growing up without her, and also about her family (Binge Eating Disorder runs in my family – everyone on her side of the family is overweight to obese). Then, we discussed her life, and how she put on alot of weight after the divorce, and the therapy she went through, and the activities that she did to lose it.
Lastly, we talked about choices. My mother has convinced me that life is just a series of interrelated choices, and that healthy patterns can be started and kept up with maintenance (through healthy choices).
Since then, I’ve been active fairly regularly, I’ve gone to therapy (to readjust the way I think and feel towards my parents and those close to me), and in regards to food…well. I will probably always have a sweet tooth, but I have learned that quantity isn’t necessary for quality, and I’ve learned not to feel guilty for eating what I want to. That is, in fact, Geneen Roth’s message…once we stop applying judgments of guilt to eating foods society considers bad for us, and we learn to eat based on our body (when we are hungry) and not our emotions…we loosen the tie food has on us, and we are able to free ourselves from some HUGE negative factors related to body image.
Anywho, back to you and your 6 year old. I’d have to say that at 6, scary as hearing that she is “flat” may be, I think it is up to you, as a Mom, to take responsibility for your own attitude towards food, your body image, and physical activity. Finding out that your kid is sneaking junk food IS scary, but why is she doing it?
[Does she feel like she isn't "allowed" to have sweets (well, probably, she isn't...as any good Mom would do, I'm sure you've limited her intake). Try giving her as much of her favourite candy as she wants for a few weeks. I know, this sounds crazy - but she will actually want it less by the end of it, because she will know it is always there, and having it won't be contingent on anything...of course, in the beginning, she will probably be climbing the walls 24/7, but the outcome is definitely worth it. My Mom let my brother and I eat nothing but junk food for three whole days straight once, and while it didn't cure my sweet tooth for good, it sure did temper it.]
Going back to my prior point. How you act towards yourself (your body), towards food (what you eat and what your kids eat) and physical activity (as a family or separately) is going to affect your 6 year old alot more right now, than any peer at school. And, it will continue to affect her for the rest of her life. This is probably a big heads-up that you need to change the way you look at things.
It might also be a good idea to talk with her about any traumatic experiences she may have lived through (this is the only blog post of yours I’ve read, so I’m not sure if you and your family have or not). 6 years old is not too young to start dealing with it, and the younger you start, the better, because once you become old and set in your ways…bad habits are hard to break ;)
Good luck :D
Girls are so tough and so much more prone to having a poor body image than the boys are. Since I’m an emotional eater I can relate to the roller coaster ride with the body image. I think that being frank with girls while they’re young is the best way to try to combat these types of issues. Good luck to you.
.-= Tina @ Ride On Toys´s last blog ..The Classic Red Radio Flyer Scooter =-.
Sorry to spoil the fun but if you switch over to a healthy diet of at least 70% raw food for your family all the food issues will dissolve. I’m a raw foodist and still wear same size jeans i wore when I was 16 – I’m 48 and have 16 year old twin girls. My girls also are stunning if i may say so myself. It’s not that i forbade them to eat junk it’s just that they don’t want it. You see, we as parents always set the example.
If you eat high quality food that gives the body real nutrition the brain does not look for comfort food. In fact all food cravings dissolve because the body is getting what it needs to feel fit and emotionally stable.
My girls have never worried about whether they look fat, thin, pimply or other wise because they know they look good and feel good. Really without meaning to sound offish or upset anyone I totally recommend to get on a diet of whole foods with a high raw percentage.
.-= Claudia´s last blog ..The Truth about Health Care =-.
You’ve just stolen 45 minutes of my life…I was innocently posting something on Twitter when I saw your Tweet about needing a “sister wife” (a notion that I, too, would seriously, SERIOUSLY consider). A half-dozen blog posts later and I finally felt I should comment if for no other reason that my own son is also “Evan” and my brother is “Ben”. I have a daughter also (only 3 1/2, but I think 6 is probably much closer than I can even fathom) and I’m already trying to balance what she hears from me about my own body issues (and why she can’t have an “Alli” when I pop one!) and allowing her to eat junk whenever she wants b/c she’s so tiny I just want her to GROW already! My main point is, you’re super funny, glad I found your blog, and hang in there.
Oops…I’m new to this…I meant to add my twitter username…just in case.
i have struggled with body image and weight problems my entire teenage and adult life. at home, growing up, my dad felt guilty about the divorce and bought us whatever we wanted to eat. we ate to alieviate bordem, loneliness, fear, anger. we had too many feelings that were so big and scarey, but no emotional outlet for them. and, we were not taught how to eat.
i am finally able to really see what i look like. and i love my body. sure ive got flaws…the baby belly that wont go away, how my boobs have changed. but i dont focus so much on those things anymore. i also dont scrutinize myself in the mirror so much anymore, either. i am proud of the accomplishments ive made and want to continue trying to live a healthy lifestyle. i realized that picking myself apart did nothing for me and was a big contributing factor to my previous relationship.
but, now ive got my daughter and there are all these complex emotional issues yet to tackle. i often wonder how i will handle them when the times comes. but, i am trying to cement the foundation by building my family on focusing less on what is commercially acceptable, creating delicious and well balanced meals that the whole family can help prepare, and being more emotionally available than my family when i was a kid.
Wonderful, honest post!
I, too, prayed for a boy when I was pregnant because I have the most psychotic relationship with food imaginable … thanks, in large part, to my mom’s disordered relationship with food and her body. When I was growing up, she was always on diet, always comparing herself to other women, always saying she shouldn’t eat something and then eating it, lying to my dad about what she ate, hardly exercising, going to one diet program after another … but here’s the weird part: my parents were nudists so she was always walking around naked, judging herself out loud. Can you say, “Whack job?” Poor thing, she’s never gotten better and still comments FIRST THING about how I look when she sees me.
I started dieting, with her help, when I was 8 years old. I wasn’t fat but I wasn’t thin, either. Genetics are a bitch. I’ve done everything, even things you have to buy from people dark alleys, and have been everywhere from a size 0 to a size 12. I’ve starved, binged, barfed, exercised, 12 stepped and therapied. I am on a diet RIGHT THIS MINUTE … even though I am 47 year old woman wearing size 6 jeans so I should just shut up, I know. Fat head alert!! But when you have a mom who buys cookies at the store, stuffs them in her mouth until she’s choking and then rolls down the window to throw them out before her husband finds out, you’re basically fucked.
I have no advice and I got my boy so … hopefully (although I managed to marry a man whose mom has an eating disorder, too, so even though my husband is physically and genetically skinny, he also has a fat head and some atrocious habits with food). The only thing I would say is (and this is probably an echo by now since you posted this last winter) keep the “magazines” off the coffee table, keep the TV off, keep her moving, offer (and eat) good food, model good eating and exercise and self-acceptance. Oh, and one more thing: make treats something that you bake together in the kitchen. It’s just too fucking available … make it special if you can.
Good luck. My heart goes out to you. I think I would’ve cried if I’d heard “flat” come out of my baby’s mouth.
xo!
oh man, this almost made me cry. I know what you mean, my 4.5 year old has said such things..where do they get this stuff! Oh right..from their mom’s.
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I don’t have kids, so I shouldn’t even be commenting here, but anyway…
I don’t know how you eat in your home, but I’d recommend teaching her about which foods are healthy in a NUTRITIONAL way, not in a DIET way…meaning that fruit, veggies, etc. have lots of vitamins and minerals and stuff…and not saying that eating them will help you stay thin.
And if you can avoid purchasing sweets and junk food, that will probably make it easier. When I lived alone, I just didn’t buy crap, so I didn’t eat it. But now that I live with my boyfriend who eats potato chips and chocolate, I find it hard not to get into his potato chip bag. And eat them ALL.
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I have been bouncing around your blog all afternoon. Reading all your blog tips and then I found this post. I have issues with food and my body. I have for years and so does my mother. I now have a daughter of my own and I want her to be happy with who she is. I did not relize until reading your post that she will look up to me to be her example. I knew I was her mom and I would guide her. But reading your post drove it home for me. Great post.
you can only lead by example. and I’m saying that to you as much as I say it to myself. I truly believe these little beings suck up what they witness, and they are good at seeing beyond the lies.
I think we just have to work on making sure we are not constantly judging OUR bodies, and feeling inadequate, and insuficient, and, and, and…..
how? beats me. but we have to find a way.
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I couldn’t agree with you more, and all the responses above. I constantly feel myself forcing my “food opinions” on my 58 pound, string bean nine year old. “Lexi, high fructose corn syrup- NO, Lexi’s it’s not organic, pesticides… Lexi, it’s full of MSG, Lexi, it’s all preservatives, Lexi, too much soy, Lexi, too many snacks, dinner is soon, Lexi, too many complex carbs, find another snack…” On and on. Gotta relax and let her be a kid. Starting…. after she eats these organic apple chips for dessert. (wink wink)
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I have had those exact thoughts running through my head. My daughter is 9 and is very concious about being skinny – what makes people fat, etc.
As your previous 150+ comments indicated – you are not alone!
Your post was funny for me because my daughter also uses FLAT – but she uses it to mean she’s skinny – flat like a board instead of round and fat. lol
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Thanks for this. I’ve been thinking a lot about this lately. My kid is 5 and the husband and I both are in dire need of some serious weightloss. We’ve been trying to watch what we eat, but I’m super paranoid abut messing her up with weird dieting issues. The other day she asked me about calories, clearly because she overheard her dad and I talking about it. How do we teach her about healthy eating without screwing her up? Gah.
My oldest daughter is eleven and needs to gain weight. We have the fridge stocked with whole milk, cheese, and other high fat foods, but she’s still so skinny. She is embarrassed by it and hates that she is so skinny, so I think girls just have body insecurities no matter what their size.
Great post! :) One of my fears is that ny baby girl will be just like me. Overweight and short. She knows that she’s chubby but at the age of 3, she would tell me things like, “Mommy, I don’t look like Katy Perry, I’m fat..” and I would tell her that she is not like anybody else and she isn’t fat. I don’t know what to tell her.. :(
This is one of my biggest worries when I have my girl, everyone in my family has weight problems, and we’re short. I was bulimic for years; I eat weird things in weird patterns; the list of things I won’t eat is ridiculous; I won’t take photos with my partner because all photos of me make me look hideously fat; I’m obsessed with my weight, even while pregnant.
How am I not going to impact her? How can you send out the message to your kids that they’re fine the way they are, if they can see you’re not fine with yourself? And on the other hand, what would I do if she became overweight? I know how that feels, how horrible it is at school, particularly if you hit puberty at the exact same time. How would I help her without damaging her?
These questions keep me up at night.
my daughter is adopted but I still fear she will end up like me fat as a teenager which means I have/still issues with eating and food and trust me I know what I am supposed to eat. My daughter eats healthy and has sweets in moderation. The part she has no idea that I do and is keep her physically busy so every sat she has swimming, she takes ballet 2x week and we go to the park all the time. My problem has always been I rather watch tv than be active,
Oh wow… I just now discovered this post, and I’d love to hear a follow-up now that it’s about a year later. Not that you would suddenly have all the answers by now, or anything, but I’m just interested if you have any more insight or ideas on this. I’m already worried about this stuff, and my daughter isn’t even 2. Sigh…
More than a year later and it’s as much, if not more, of an issue. Think I will write a follow up; stay tuned… Sigh…
You wrote in an earlier post about how your children are teaching you to look at things in a simpler light. I’m curious how do you approach talking to your daughter and being honest with her about eating healthy?
I imagine it’s something all mothers struggle with. We all come with our own baggage about weight, eating and then there is the added pressure of outside sources. How do we communicate to our children to not be afraid of their bodies? To respect and love what they were gifted with at birth and understand that their bodies will change with age?
More importantly, how do we teach that to ourselves??
This post inspires me, when its possible, to get my tubes tied so that i will only have ONE BOY for the rest of my life. I already got issues with my son’s female members of his father’s family, I do not want to have any issues with a potential daughter of mine. Very inspirational.
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