News Flash, Dudes: Don't Expect Us To Go Down If You Don't

News Flash, Dudes: Don’t Expect Us To Go Down If You Don’t

monstArrr_ / Getty Steve Jennings / Getty

Dear Men,

You may have heard a little something in the news lately about rapper DJ Khaled and the interview that surfaced, during which he adamantly insisted that he doesn’t go down on his wife. However, he fully expects her to go down on him because he’s “the king” and there are “different rules” for men when it comes to oral sex, and that his wife should be happily slobbing his knob because – and I quote – “There’s some things that y’all might not wanna do, but it got to get done. I just can’t do what you want me to do. I just can’t.”

Let me just say, on behalf of proud owners of vaginas everywhere: what the actual fuck.

Look, we’re not saying you have to do it. You don’t owe us oral sex, any more than we owe it to you (ahem, DJ Khaleds of the world). But if you want us to be down with going down, you’ve got to reciprocate, man. RE.CIP.RO.CATE. When you read that last word to yourself, punctuate that shit with claps, please, because it’s that important. You can’t ask your partner to do something that you refuse to do in return.

If you’re uncomfortable with it for a legit reason, we can work with you. Maybe you’re inexperienced and worry that we won’t like it, so you just avoid attempting oral pleasure altogether. Let us help! We’re great teachers, and it’ll be – say it with me now – mutually beneficial. You’ll overcome your apprehension, we’ll have a good time showing you what we like, and then we’ll reward you with a big ol’ blowjob, because when we get it, we tend to want to give back.

But. If your refusal of face-to-vag action has anything to do with the smell or the taste, yet you still insist that your woman lick your stick, well … zip up your pants, you undeserving penis-wrinkle. No slurp for you.

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Have those of you who won’t go down on a woman ever considered that we could offer up the same complaints? Don’t think for a minute that you don’t bring the funk with that musty sack of yours. Anyone who’s ever placed their nose in the vicinity of a man’s crotch is familiar with Eau de Testicle, so GTFO with your complaints about feminine odor. Sure, you have the right to munch on a freshly bathed box, so we don’t mind sprucing up a bit beforehand, but don’t come at us 12 hours after your last shower and angle for a blowie – especially if you’re gonna turn up your nose at our natural aroma.

Also, news flash: you, too, have a taste and a secretion of fluids (yes, even before “the moment”), and nothing down there is exactly cotton candy-flavored. You, too, have pubes, which are just as likely to find themselves on our tongues. Along the lines of your (flawed) logic, we have just as many reasons not to venture down south with the mouth. So to say we owe it to you – even when you deny us the same – is a dick move. And we mean that quite literally, because we’ll be moving your dick right out of the way if you keep insisting on this one-sided nonsense.

We’re not saying it has to be reciprocated 100% of the time; that’s like saying that every time you give someone a gift, you should expect to get one in return. We’re just telling you that you can’t flat-out refuse to do it at all, ever, period, and then insist that it is owed to you because you were born with a penis. We can’t be over here heaping you with gifts while we’re doing without. That’s just not how it works.

If you don’t want to give it, fine, but don’t give us that “how about a BJ” look if you’re unwilling to take your own trip downtown.

Because the path to said downtown is most definitely a two-way street.