Theresa is a mom to three grown children – one son (33) and his beautiful wife, one daughter (30) and her wonderful life partner and another daughter (27) and her wife of one year. Here, she discusses the path of acceptance and parenting gay children.
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I believe that every mom has dreams for what and who their children become. Having gotten my children to adulthood, now I know we can only do the best we can and give them our strength and values and they will take it from there…
My first child came out in her 3rd or 4th month of being away in college. My husband and I were “empty nesters” and having a pretty good time getting used to being by ourselves for the first time in over 20 years. I remember the day like it was today, we were getting ready to go to an afternoon movie. I was in our bedroom putting on my shoes when he said he was going out to get the mail. He came in the house and I was jabbering along about where we could go for dinner afterwards when I looked up and saw him standing in our doorway with a piece of paper in his hands. He said “we have a letter from Kari and she is gay” I thought he was joking and got up and walked by. He came after me and said “no really, see she is” and handed me this piece of lined white notebook paper with her handwriting in pencil and in the middle of the page it simply said “Mom, Dad: I am gay. Call PFLAG.”
Surely, someone was playing a cruel joke on me. When you think of the dreams that you have for your children and for your daughters, they involve meeting a nice man, getting married, having your grandchildren. Well, they did for me.
My response, which after lots of reading, a very strong husband and a wonderful therapist is now amusing was “go to church and join a club!” Looking back now I cannot believe I said that but I did. “Go to church, join a club!” Like that would fix it.
I went through mourning and I mean mourning. I sobbed in my husbands arms many times for the next few months. What did I do wrong? Where did I fail her? What a terrible mom I was. I always reinforced that I loved her no matter what, but I, myself, felt like a failure. About five years or so later, my other daughter came out of the closet as well. Two totally different daughters, both loving, caring, strong and beautiful. And, gay.
I remember thinking that drugs could be explained, pregnancy can be explained, dropping out of college could be explained, depression and so on but how to you explain being gay? Sure, it’s in the genes, but how is it in our genes? I like answers, and I just don’t have one for this. When I die and before I go through the pearly gates I plan on asking St. Peter how I got chosen to have two gay daughters! But, it doesn’t really matter— it’s been a long journey, but I love and accept who they are. I have three of my own children and three beautiful daughter in laws. Life is good.
Hopefully grandchildren are in the journey ahead!
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{ 31 comments… read them below or add one }
Very insightful.
Thank you for sharing part of your journey.
I am glad you have beautiful children who are great people. Wishing your family a happy Holiday season. Love, Becky
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Kuddos to you for accepting them the way they are. My in-laws could take a leaf out of your book. My husband’s sister is gay and they have never accepted that. Which is very sad.
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This gives me hope. I know, in the pit of my stomach, that my 12 year old is gay and I just don’t know how to deal with it. Do I bring it up? Let him come to me? I love him and will support him, but, if I’m honest with myself, this is not the way it was supposed to be. But, what is, I guess. I do know that I will do everything in my power to make him feel loved and understood. At this hard age, I hope that is enough.
Hi. I wanted to respond to you. I have a 17 year old son who is bisexual. He told me probably a little older than your son is now. Did I think he was? It was in my mind that it was a possibility. I have always been very accepting with gay people. It doesn’t bother me, as long as a person isn’t hurting someone they can like what they want. I think my attitude helped him tell me, and he knew I wasn’t going to fly off the deep end. I think how your attitude and acceptance of other people will determine when he tells you. I would just keep telling him about unconditional love, and show him exactly what that is when he does tell you he is or isn’t.
You are a strong loving parent!. My son came out when he was 16. I knew long before that. He’s 20 now and going thru a tough time just trying to find his place. All I can do is love and be supportive.
I am raising a beautiful, intelligent and kind daughter who is gay. It is very difficult at times because she is accepted and loved without predjudice in our home, however, she is not treated the same by her peer’s or their parents. I find it very difficult to not be afraid for her and what negative experiences may come her way. I am very proud that we have a loving bond and we share this journey together!
Susan, I say let him come to you. It’s likely that at this age he’s not quite comfortable with the term and will just shutdown. That’s one thing you don’t want. Otherwise, remember to be loving and supportive and he will be eternally grateful that he still has his mom when he needs her the most. :-)
For the parents that have a younger gay child (my daughter is 13) make efforts to be inclusive in family conversations about supporting gay/lesbian relationships. My daughter has grown up understanding that she is normal, equal and to have dignity. She never had to decide when to ‘come out’ because she knew she was gay at a young age and she knew she was safe to share her thoughts and fears at home. It has made all the difference to us because she can better navigate the negative and cruel behaviour with the honest love and support at home.
Excellent point! I don’t have any children that are gay…that I know of (ages 2 and 8), but I am fully supportive of gay/lesbian lifestyles. I have a few friends that are and they are probably the best friends I could ever ask for. When I was a teenager I “experimented” and though I chose a straight lifestyle, I am still caught in between, but my mother was never supportive in any of my choices/decisions and it made it hard.
This is one of the best things about parenting, to me. We have these children, we teach them our values, our morals, our life learned skills and then we let them live their lives. They will need us forever. That unconditional love we give them as children does not change if they come out. If nothing else, that love is needed even more, that acceptance and understanding and “you are still my child.” Even amid your questions and “disappointment” you accepted them. Your children are lucky to have you.
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Thank you for such a great read. Just beautiful.
I thank the good Lord every day for one of my dearest friends who is gay. I am a better woman because of him.
I have more love/joy/peace/laughter/acceptance/tolerance in my life because of him. And for that I am so grateful.
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I am a later in life lesbian who’s parents refuse to have anything to do with her. My partner and I welcomed my third (her first) child together just over a year ago. There are many ways to build a family! I’m sure your grandchildren will find a way to you!
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beautiful post
My best friend’s youngest brother is gay & he’s a good friend of mine. I took my daughter to his wedding – she was 1 at the time & she’s known “uncle Jude” and “uncle Joey” her entire life as has her younger brother. They don’t think anything about it. They are just a couple, like any other. I hope if either of my children are gay they would know that we would love them just the same but I, too would grieve the dreams I have for them and the difficulties that being gay brings on a person. The world is cruel enough without being persecuted for your lifestyle – especially as a young adult.
Thank you so much for sharing this. I don’t know yet whether either of my sons is gay, but there’s a distinct possibility. They’re still so young, all we can do is love them and talk openly about all sexualities and types of families. Hopefully, if it ever does come to pass that they discover they’re not heterosexual, the foundation for an easy conversation will be laid.
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I am glad you wrote this post, especially so close to election season. Everyone has their beliefs, and they are shaped by our experiences. Personally, I do not understand how anyone can be hateful toward others who may appear different. The fact is that we are all really more the same than different. We all breathe the same air, drink the water, need food and shelter, and love. We all strive for happiness and stability. I have been married to my husband for nearly 20 years. We have two daughters (10 and 13). We teach them to respect all people. There is too much hate in this world.
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Love, love, love your acceptance. As a mother, I feel that acceptance is the only way to go! Life is journey, not a destination.
http://theprocrastinista.blogspot.com/2010/10/this-was-titled-is-gay-ok-well-i-had-to.html
Please read my post …. this one struck so close to home for me.
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Good for you, Mom, for both being so accepting and for admitting that it was tough for you. So many of us struggle with either being the perfectly accepting parent, or just shutting down. It’s good to see that you can be freaked out by it, and still love your kids and come around. Gives both parents and kids hope!
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I haven’t read all these posts, but the ones I did read, I find it refreshing that so many are so accepting.
For my part, I don’t really care what someone does in the privacy of their bedrooms, it’s none of my business. As for public, I just generally don’t like strong PDAs, doesn’t matter who it is or with whom.
There was a child in my daughter’s daycare of lesbian parents, who really kept their relationship low key, at least until they knew how one felt about it. My response was to shrug my shoulders and ask “Do you love your son?” and “Do you love each other?” When the answer was yes, my response what do I care? There isn’t enough love in this world as it is for me to judge what is right for someone else.
Good luck and lots of love to those of you who are unsure of how to handle it.
I wanted to thank you for your story. I am a lesbian woman and I am so grateful to know that there are other parents that have gone through what my parents went through. I came out when I was one year into college. My father spent six years disowning me and when we finally did get to reconnect, it was awkward. I want to commend you for honesty and your journey. I am now 7 months pregnant with our first child. My partner and I have been together for 8 years and it is finally happened. I want you keep the faith in that your daughters will still give you what you hoped for. Grandchildren can be in the cards. I never ever thought it would happen, in fact, I was devastated when I realized how hard it was to have a child in a lesbian relationship. Just remember that everything will fall into place. I just wanted to comment and tell you that you are doing what any mother could do, accept your child for who they are and I really appreciate how courageous you are in sharing your story with the masses. <3
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THIS!
Just because your kids are LGB, doesn’t mean there isn’t marriage or kids in their future. And lets face it, just because they’re straight, doesn’t mean there is. Marriage amongst men and women is fading as an institution and so many couples are either choosing to forgo children or have fertility issues. So, your chances of weddings and grandkids has more to do with blind luck than with who your child falls in love with! I’ll just be happy if they find love – period.
Beautiful story! It just means you have more wonderful women in your life to enjoy!
My mom is the youngest of five. The three middle siblings are gay. They each got married first, had a child, then got divorced and came out of the closet. The odds of 3 out of 5 children in ONE family being gay are astronomical. It is something I am proud of, my family is so unique!
Thank you for sharing your story. It’s touched many of us. Best wishes to you and your family!
After reading this … I’ve been sitting here for a few moments asking myself … what if my son was gay? what if either of my daughters were gay? … I racked my brain and the simple conclusion I came to …. I don’t care. I don’t have dreams for my children in terms of getting married or having babies … I’m actually not looking forward to be called “grandma” ever … I just want them to be happy. Nothing more, nothing less, just happy. If that means two brides or two grooms walking down the aisle or a life of solitude and lots of cats … I’m cool with that too.
Now my husband … there might be some hand holding and discussions to deal with for him.
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I’m baffled as to why the phrase, “What did I do to fail her?” even came up. If you’d done something differently, would she have been straight? Don’t think so.
People treat homosexuality like some ind of disease–something a person is unfortunate to have contracted. Something perhaps a parent would have wanted to prevent.
Yeah, so growing up gay can really suck, especially if you’re in the closet or in a town where it’s not prevalent. But as adults who are fully capable of living their lives to the fullest, why is homosexuality considered a disadvantage? Most gay couples I know are happier and more stable than any typical straight couples. Just because the person they love is the same gender doesn’t automatically mean they’re destined for a life of hardship and struggle.
Thank you so much for sharing this with us. My kids are 16 and 9 and while I don’t know who they will choose, I always wanted to be accepting of them, no matter what. I used to be extremely closeminded until my heart said “What if?” And I knew I would love them no matter what.
Turns out, it was good for me in the long run. I realized 3 yrs ago that I was bisexual and it’s been easier to accept myself and for my kids to accept me (and hubby too) because of my attitude change.
This was good for me to read as a daughter. My sister thinks my mom knows, somehow. I don’t KNOW how…I’m married (19 yrs) and like I said, have 2 kids–I do have a GF but have only mentioned her as “my friend”.
I want so much to be able to be fully me. I’m just too scared. I’m glad your kids had a mom they knew they could trust to love them fully. They are truly blessed!
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I love your honesty about how you felt. Although I am the most liberal minded person but I think when it comes to our kids we have certain dreams that you had, get married, have kids, etc and I am no different, I know I would accept my daughter if she was gay but I would be a tad sad only because being gay is not easy but if its who she is so be it.
Our child’s feelings for us will never change, that I know.
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Earlier this year close friends of ours let us know that their beautiful and dear 13 year old daughter had come out to them, and their reaction was,”We are so glad you trusted us enough to tell us. How can we support you?” That, I thought, is how to do it right. As the mom said, “What do you hope for your kids when they grow up? That they will be happy, that they will be successful, that they will be loved. None of that changes.”
The daughter had asked her mom to ask ME to tell my 13 year old, her close friend since babyhood. One day in the car I cleared my throat and launched into a “Your friend figured out she is gay, but that doesn’t change anything, she is exactly the same person, our job is to make her feel accepted and protected…” and on and on until my kid stopped me, a pitying look on her face. “Mom. It’s not a big deal. You can let it go.”
So I think there’s all kinds of hope for this younger generation.
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Thank you all for you wonderful and heartfelt responses to my story. I have been searching for many years to find a place to share my journey and be able to talk with others about this. We love our children unconditionally and I have gained beautiful daughters in my family but it truly saddens me that there is still such a misunderstanding and non-acceptance of gay and lesbians. We need to find a way to make it safe for our children and families. I would love to share more of my story with anyone who wants to hear it and I would also love to be able to hear more from any of you. Thank you and Happy Holidays!
I’m glad that you were finally able to accept your daughters’ sexual orientation. Perhaps she could have found a better way to tell you, but from your reaction I understand why she did what she did. I don’t want to be mean, but I must say that I’m saddened that your reaction was similar to when a parent finds out that their child has autism or cancer. Being gay is nothing like those diseases, because, well, it’s NOT a disease. My daughter has a speech delay and I was saddened by it at first; but now we love her for the way she is. It’s no longer sad, but just something we have to fight! We were upset at first because this was not her choice, it is a neurological disorder. I hope you apologized to your daughters about your reaction because if I were them I would be hurt. Who they date and marry has nothing to do with what you want.