Odd jobs — that’s what a big part of parenting is comprised of. I went to college to get a degree and skills in a field of study so I would know how to do all the jobs that were required of me. But then I had kids, and suddenly a list of new job titles popped up for things I didn’t even know I would have to do, like:
1. Sippy Cup Lid Fastener
I am the person in charge of making sure this lid is on right — because if it isn’t, that bad boy is going to pop off when someone throws it across the room, or when I sit on it in the middle of church and have to go up for communion with a soaking wet ass.
2. Crumb Collector
Off tables, chairs, out of beds. No place is too big; no crumb is too small.
3. Pillow Enforcer
This is a bi-hourly issue in my house when my kids run around like a Category 4 hurricane and pull every pillow in our house off their base. Pillows are moving around in mid-air like they are controlled by Carrie-like telekinesis.
4. Cat Rescuer*
There is nothing more important to my cats than not being put inside the toilet.
*This applies to all household pets.
5. Blanket Getter
Everyone always needs a blanket. Even if it’s 97 degrees outside, someone somewhere in my home will ask for a blanket. Instead of vibrant energetic toddlers, my living room often looks like the sitting area of a nursing home. Except instead of people knitting, they are eating Goldfish crackers out of sippy cups and putting puzzles together with the wrong pieces.
6. Toilet Paper Re-Roller
That 4-mile trail of toilet tissue isn’t going to roll itself back around the cardboard tube that someone chewed on before casually tossing into the toilet water.
7. Vomit Catcher
Whether it’s in a bucket, a trash can, a blanket, a towel, or your bare hands.
8. Pocket Investigator
It only takes one pocket full of tissue to travel that daunting journey through the wash and dry cycle to make sure you never skip checking a pocket again.
9. Word Repeater
Sometimes fast, sometimes ridiculously slow, and always more than 40 times — because the toddler brain does not respond to anything that isn’t presented to them in the form of food, bright colors, or fun sounds.
10. Snack Deliverer
No one sympathizes more with delivery drivers than parents. Except we don’t get paid, and the request often comes in the second your butt cheek grazes a couch fiber. The tips are also worse: “Mommy, the Goldfish taste better when the other side is facing up.”
11. Back Scratcher
Okay, maybe I don’t mind this one so much. Probably it’s because they’re my babies. But, I draw the line when someone says, “Can you scratch my butt?”
12. Searcher of Socks
If I had a dollar for every sock that lost a mate, I would be able to keep buying socks instead of wondering when the day will come when I finally find a gigantic pile of discarded singles.
This is a collective list of useless skills that will be worth very little beyond the first years. But it’s a lifetime of memories and the chance to look back on people who have kids after you shake your head and say, “I remember those days. Hey, while you’re up, could you turn my Goldfish crackers so they’re facing the other way?”