Children are the greatest joy in life. They are tiny gifts from heaven. They are the lights of the world. They are hope for the future. They are miniature weapons of mass destruction with hobbies like peeing on all the things and raising blood pressure.
Sure, we all love our kids. But we also all have moments (that’s moment with an “s” because they occur so many more times than once) when our kids do shit so ridiculous that all we can really do is whip out our phones to snap a picture. We have to laugh, or we will cry.
How much you wanna bet that she touched literally everything when they got home?
The dreaded flour explosions in the kitchen. At least it’s not cocaine.
We didn’t like watching that corner of the TV anyway.
“They were 3. They emptied almost a dozen bottles of nail polish onto the living room furniture. It wasn’t actually my furniture, even. I was keeping it for a friend who was out of the country for a year. The fumes were so bad we had to take their baby sister, who passed out in the fume filled room, to the hospital for an EKG.” OMG
I make the same face when I dump an entire bag of fusilli on the floor.
That is one pissed-off yet impeccably accessorized feline.
I’ll take “Second Worst Thing My Child Could Be Covered in That Belongs in a Diaper” for 500, Alex.
Might as well pee outdoors while you can — at least without risk of being charged with a misdemeanor.
Trying and failing to think of a better caption than what’s already provided.
Nothing to see here. Just the corpse of what used to be your child’s hair glued to a greeting card. Keep moving. Don’t make eye contact.
Throughout time, family after family will move into this home. And family after family will still be cleaning up those tiny styrofoam balls.
We had to censor this one. A lot. But you get the idea.
Do you ever look at your kids and feel like you’re catching a glimpse of their future?
Who doesn’t like a nice walk on the beach after they have driven far, far away from the beach?
That’ll teach mom to skimp on the Moana-branded Band-Aids next time, the cheap jerk.
Having to bathe your kids after spaghetti night is a given. Having to bathe your dog because more pasta landed on him than in your child’s mouth is just a bonus inconvenience.
“Because they lose things like bus passes. They ‘look everywhere’ for those things. They swear up and down that those things have been stolen, or worse, absconded upon fleet feet of their own volition. So after a five day period of mourning, you give up. You drive across town. You pay to replace the bus pass. Only to return home and notice this in the window of the dryer when you pass by it.”
If 1998 didn’t ruin hair clips for you, this should do the trick. Also, ouch!
We love our children unconditionally. We are prepared to move heaven and earth for them. And they repay that devotion with hugs, kisses, and the occasional wall painted with feces. I would say that we wouldn’t have it any other way, but we would probably love them just as much without the poop-smearing.
Someone tell them to stop trying so hard.