After giving birth to my oldest child, I couldn’t wait to get out of the prison that is the maternity ward of the hospital. I was sick of being poked and prodded by medical professionals (even if it was for my own good), and I longed for my own bed, my own couch—basically anything that wasn’t the hospital.
But now, as the birth of my third child looms closer, I literally cannot wait to park my ass in that hospital bed post-delivery. The further I make it into this pregnancy, the more two nights in my own room without my two toddlers sounds like a luxurious vacation (I love them dearly, but, y’know, I need a break, OK?!). I even packed my bag already. It’s going to be a blast, and here’s why:
1. No One Else in My Bed
Every single night, regardless of my efforts to detain them in their own beds, one of my kids (or both) comes sprinting into my room in the middle of the night and winds up sleeping with his feet in my face or sprawled out across the bed and stealing all of the covers while I shiver on the edge. This is typically bearable, but when you add in a gigantic baby belly, it’s not my idea of a place of rest and tranquility.
Sure, maybe the nurses at the hospital will be stopping in to check my vitals, or maybe the baby will need to be fed, but then they take the baby to the nursery, and you can slumber like you probably won’t slumber again for the next 18 years. Not too shabby.
2. A Shower Where No One Tries to Climb in or Throw Their Bath Toys at You
If your kids don’t bug you while you’re in the shower, I need to get some serious pointers from you, because mine are all up in my grill, trying to give me the ship from Jake and the Neverland Pirates or a Mickey Mouse scuba diver squirt toy while I’m trying to shave my legs. If not that, they break into the room and start digging through all of my makeup and toiletries, dumping them on the ground and asking what they are.
So, that being said, a shower in my own hospital room sounds very private and solitary (and fantastic). There’s even a little bench in there if I get worn out and need a rest! That’s so thoughtful. It’s like a trip to the spa, I tell ya.
3. Nannies for the Baby
Hospitals have nannies! All right, so they’re actually nurses, but for those of us who aren’t quite of the affluence to hire a nanny in real life, it’s nice to pretend for a day or two. These wonderful people help you with everything. They bathe the baby, they rock him in the middle of the night if you want, and they’ll even help take care of you. Wow, what could be better? (Do you think I could get one to come home and live with me for a while?)
4. Room Service
Did you know that in the hospital, all you have to do is pick up the phone and order your meal, and someone will bring it to you? They even serve it to you in bed. It’s like the wish I’ve had my entire life but that never materialized until my stay in the good ol’ hospital. Sure, it’s a little soggy by the time it gets there, and it smells sort of funny, but you get to pick like six different things from the menu, which feels very decadent.
5. The Fantastic Cocktails
OK, so they’re not actual alcoholic cocktails, and maybe I’m not lying on the beach, but the concoction of pain meds streaming through my IV has a pretty similar effect on my mood. And I’ll tell you what: I am a damn good time when I’m feelin’ a buzz.
All right, maybe I’m actually a pretty “cheap date” when it comes to pain medicine, and I’ll probably be asking for a puke bucket shortly after it’s given to me, but I’d imagine if I’d gone on spring break in college, it would’ve been just like that. Wow, what a great time.
Eh, so maybe the hospital isn’t the most fantastic vacation spot on earth, but at least I’m getting a cute baby out of the deal and won’t have to get out of bed all that much. Look, I’m riding the third trimester struggle bus here—a girl can dream. Next time I’m going to spend nine zillion dollars on a vacation though, I’ll probably pick an all-inclusive resort somewhere tropical instead of the maternity floor.