Jill Smokler, AKA Scary Mommy
@scarymommy
Latest posts by Jill Smokler, AKA Scary Mommy (see all)
- The Disney Reveal - May 14, 2013
- Met My Match At Disney… - May 13, 2013
- Sunday’s Baltimore Sun - May 11, 2013
Amanda is a 32 year old mom of two awesome girls and they live in Pittsburgh. She is married to the world’s sexiest accountant and they’re sure to live happily ever after. She blogs often and with enthusiasm at www.demandablueblog.blogspot.com.
When I had my first baby, I lost my mind. I didn’t know I was depressed, because I didn’t really cry. I didn’t tear up over sappy commercials and I didn’t feel empty and directionless. What I had was better categorized as a fucking amazing and debilitating bout of anxiety. Since I thought depressed meant sad, I didn’t think I was depressed. I just thought I was totally losing my mind.
I was exhausted, of course, but I couldn’t sleep. If I did drift off for a few minutes and my baby made a tiny sound, three rooms away, I would spring out of bed and run to her with my heart racing and my fingers getting all tingly. I’d tuck her in again and go lay back down in the blacker than black bedroom with my senses on fire.
I also spent all of my waking time, (which was all of my time,) picturing terrible things happening to my daughter. I pictured baby snatchers, ceiling fans coming loose and shredding everything in their way. I pictured car accidents, stair accidents, slipping on ice accidents, stepping on a cat and falling down the stairs accidents, slipping on a bar of soap in the shower and breaking my neck, dying and leaving nobody to feed my child accidents. There were many more kinds of accidents to imagine, but I’m sure you get it.
I was a nut case. It seemed like everything, including walking, eating and probably somehow breathing was an exercise fraught with danger, and so I had to be on alert all the time. I had panic attacks where I was sure I was suddenly going to forget how to drive or that I would be pushing the stroller across the road and lose control of my body and well… now we’re just getting back in to all the kinds of accidents there were to picture in the world.
I didn’t sit around on the couch and cry all day, so I didn’t have postpartum depression. But, I so totally did. In hindsight, I so totally, totally, totally did.
So, when I got pregnant with Louisey, I told myself and my husband that, at the first hint of weirdness, I was going to simply call my doctor and get help. I even warned my doctor ahead of time that I would most likely be calling him.
But then, when I came downstairs in the middle of the fifth night after birthing my second baby, and I was trembling and sick to my stomach and couldn’t sleep and I was pacing the cold tile floor in the kitchen… I felt uncomfortable with seeking out help. I curled into a ball at Kurt’s feet and cried because something was wrong and I felt like I was on speed and the edges of the world were too sharp, like somehow the focus got turned too far up.
“Just call your doctor,” Kurt told me.
Call a medical professional, someone who’s been to medical school and who is, no doubt, a pillar of the community, and explain to him that I’m not really sure what’s wrong with me, but that I’m fairly certain that I’ll never sleep or eat or laugh again, because it’s just that terrible? I hated the idea. I think maybe some of it was just that, in my former life, I had never had a terribly easy time being forthcoming with doctors.
Past Medical Professional: Have you ever shared needles or had sex with a male or female who has shared needles or had sex with a giant octopus from outer space who had six sets of genitalia which were all covered in glitter, and who played a magical guitar that made rainbows instead of music?
Past Me: I mean… honestly? God. Probably. Let’s just make this easy on everyone and assume that the answer to all of your questions is going to be probably.
I totally outlived those days, but I still had a wariness about admitting that things weren’t always perfect in my new life. I just pictured respectable citizens glancing at each other out of the corners of their eyes. See? She might appear as though she’s changed, but she’s obviously some sort of unstable criminal under her reasonable mom haircut and spectacular biking calf muscles.
I called my doctor, though and nobody glanced at anybody. (At least not that I could tell from my end of the phone.) He called in a prescription for Zoloft, I started taking it and I felt better almost immediately. I think maybe he asked me how I liked taking it at my 6 week check up and I said, “I like it just fine. I feel fine.” And that was that.
All of those sleepless nights that I went through after birthing Scouty. All of that panicking, worrying, picturing every imaginable scenario in which my baby could have been harmed or stolen from me. It all could have been blinked out of existence by taking a pill for a little while until my hormones leveled out, or whatever it was that made me all kooky after giving birth. That was amazing to me. I feel like such an idiot for not calling my doctor the first time around. Getting help was so easy that it was barely even a task I had to complete. Getting through nine months of pure, adrenaline fueled anxiety-hell was way harder than calling my doctor and saying, “Could I have medicine?”
“Why, yes. Yes, you can.”
People are so uncomfortable with the topic of psychiatric medicine, though. They’ll say things like, “There’s no shame in asking for help,” but then if you talk publicly about how you got help, they flinch like… “I didn’t mean that you should go blabbing it all over the universe that you take crazy pills!”
Why are we embarrassed about taking anti-depressants for postpartum anxiety or depression? I’m not asking in a I have a cause and I’m trying to make a point by asking a thought provoking question kind of way. I actually mean, can you answer that for me?
I suppose the truth can be found in a million different historical, sociological, gender debated parts of the human experience. I suppose the answer is something like… psychology is only a recently understood area of medicine and women are depressed because of their historical position in American society and we’re all removed from our deeper, spiritual selves and we had bad childhoods that we don’t want to talk about so when a problem pops up in our psyches, we’re not able to cope and so we kind of go haywire and can’t treat the subject with openness. Or something.
All I know is that polite society has always had a lot of ideas about somebody like me, and they’ve never affected the ways I’ve conducted myself. If you’re uncomfortable with the topic of my big, scary anxiety and depression, you’ve got something about yourself that’s bugging you. Don’t be embarrassed for me. I told you that within days of starting big, scary Zoloft, I felt totally fine. I feel proud of the fact that I didn’t completely suffer debilitating anxiety for another year, the way I did with my first baby. I feel proud of the fact that this time, when all of my senses and mothering instincts CAME ALIVE and it was too much, too much, too much and they wouldn’t cool down again, I swallowed my pride and my fear and my totally made up ideas about how people would judge me, and I got a prescription for a pill that made me feel totally normal.
And it was so easy.
I have hard days. I have days like today where I have a baby with an ear infection and antibiotic diarrhea and who is teething, and a four year old who only wants to go outside to play but it’s raining and I have PMS and my husband has to stay a little late after work and I accidentally ate a cupcake when I’m supposed to be swearing off sugar and I just have to say, “Everybody stop! Stop moving, stop talking. Just stop, for a minute!” And I’m mean mommy and Scouty rolls her eyes and actually gets it right because we practiced how to roll our eyes in the mirror… but on these kinds of days, there isn’t a single moment where I clutch my baby to my chest with trembling arms and picture all of the millions of ways something could go wrong. When I’m irritable now, I’m just regular old irritable and it feels awful at the time, but it’s really not that bad, because it’s only passing and it goes away.
I’ll sleep tonight, too, and I can’t think of anything I’d be less embarrassed about than that.
{ 84 comments… read them below or add one }
Wow Amanda! A little pill can make such an impact…
Sarah recently posted..Midnight wanderer
I really needed to read this right now. Thank you.
Lee recently posted..The luxury of a cheerful demeanour
The first few months of motherhood are so hard and difficult to truly understand unless you experience it. This story is very eye-opening, encouraging, and supportive for many moms who are going through this. Thank you so much for sharing this personal story.
Skinny Mom’s Kitchen recently posted..Buffalo Chicken Wrap
I only wish I had called my doctor. Seven years later, I did. My whole world changed. Suddenly, I knew how “normal” people felt. It makes me angry that people see pharmaceutical assistance as something that deserves whispering. Why is depression any different than diabetes, or hypothyroidism?? They are all medical conditions that can be controlled/aided with medication. Depression needs to quit being headlines in tabloids and start being talked about at the dinner table.
OHN recently posted..ME You want to know about ME
You are amazing. Thank you so mich for telling your story. You are going to help so many women make that first step and admit that they need help. PPD affects 1 in 8 women…yet not everyone gets the help they deserve because they’re scared to. I am so proud of you for taking that first step. you ware truly inspiring!
Kimberly recently posted..Secret Mommy-hood Confession Saturday
Thank you for sharing. Your story is my story.
I love this! Just a thought, I don’t know about PPD, but I think it’s very rare for medication to be such a simple solution! It’s not even supposed to kick in in days, I think it takes weeks… you are very lucky! I always went through heck adjusting dosage and trying different kinds, and it still didn’t work. In the end it was more of an “energetic” thing. And thought processes… and spiritual.
you know it’s probably not “rare” and i was definitely weird, but still not always the right thing. some people have bad reactions to antidepressants
Luna recently posted..Love- the Adult Nanny
Thanks for the wonderful comments so far, everybody and a big thank you to Jill for letting me share my story!
I just wanted to say… to the people who feel like the point of my post is to say, “a pill can cure anything!” That isn’t the point. The reason I wanted to share my experience to is encourage people to not be afraid to admit what they’re going through, and ask for help from a professional. For some people, taking medication helps, other people might need to try a different approach. The whole point is that we don’t have to be embarrassed and scared to say, “I’m going through something that isn’t normal.” Just be brave and honest and seek help, in whatever form that helps comes.
Amanda recently posted..500 Dollar Month – Week 2
Damn those hormones! Men will never understand how insane and unbalanced they can make us and that we aren’t CHOOSING to be bitchy or emotional wrecks or overwhelmed with anxiety. Sometimes it is just beyond our control. Kudos to you for getting back in control.
And it’s nothing to be embarrassed about. Nearly every mom (or in my network SAHM) I know has a little “help” keeping everything in balance. It’s the new normal. Be proud that you were strong enough to know when you needed some rebalancing and brag about your good night’s sleep to everyone you meet. You deserve it.
Cheers.
VB
Vinobaby recently posted..Survive the Rapture and Get Naked
My story – your story, so similar. I look back at the first ~1 year with my first child and it was such a dark time. I didn’t realize I had depression and nobody else seemed to noticed how paralyzingly anxious I was either (in hindsight it is that nobody else noticed which is really shocking to me). With the birth of my second I was prepared to get help at the first sign of a problem. Luckily I didn’t HAVE a problem. We had a delightful time full of hard times (sleep deprivation, nursing challenges, etc.) but also wonderful times. And when I look back at that dark year (years ago now) it still makes me sad that it WAS so dark. It didn’t have to be. I missed a whole year of wonderful times.
If you’re questioning yourself on depression, get help. Don’t miss out. Seriously.
Alexis recently posted..How to Get Baby to Sleep Better- Part 2
I agree so much. My second daughter’s newborn period was so full of joy and snuggling and relaxation. I wish I could have had a similar experience with my first. Some of it is like a nightmare when I think about it, and it didn’t have to be that way.
Amanda recently posted..Dear Scouty-
My kid are 11 and 16 and I still remember some of the crazy thoughts I had in those first few weeks… amazing the havoc hormones can wreak… I took antidepressants for a six month period when there were some very stressful things going on in my personal life. I went in for my regular check-up and burst into tears on the table when my doc walked in and cheerily asked how I was doing… she just looked at me, sat down and said, “you do NOT have to feel this way”… it was an epiphany and also good to know I just needed it for a little while. I would totally do it again if I got back in a hard, crazy feeling place…
The accident scenarios were the worst.
When a friend was holding my colicky baby on our deck, all I could see was him dropping her over the railing. I remember he was talking to me–nowhere near the railing (obviously)–and I had to rudely run into the house before I snatched her and screamed, “You’re going to hurt her!!!!” I knew it was all in my head but that urge to grab her was so strong I couldn’t sit there and chit-chat through it. What could I say to him? “I’m picturing you hurting my baby. I picture everyone hurting my baby. I have a 24/7 horror show playing in my mind about this baby…so, don’t mind me. I’m going to take her back now.”
You’re in Pittsburgh?!?! Another blogger in PITTSBURGH?!? Holy shit. We’re about to become besties. :)
That sounds exactly like me. The balcony at a condo at the beach? I feel all dizzy and freak out-y just picturing it. Everything was like that. Even taking a leisurely walk with the stroller was so full of dangers and reasons to feel anxious. Did yours go away? I pretty much never keep myself up imagining terrible accidents anymore.
I always get so excited to find other Pittsburgh mommy bloggers, too! I’m totally checking you out right now!
Amanda recently posted..Dear Scouty-
Thank you so much for being honest and sharing your story.
A Mommy in the City recently posted..Camp Kidville
Postpartum anxiety?! That. Was. Me. That was so totally me. Thank you very much for sharing your story. It’s like finding pieces of my puzzle and making sense of a time in my life I didn’t understand. Thank you.
Erin@MommyontheSpot recently posted..Five Years Ago
I love it when I’m a “mean mommy” just because I am, and not because I’m freaking out internally. This is a great post, Amanda!
Misfit Mommy @ The Island of Misfit Moms recently posted..Technical Difficulties
So very, very good.
Ninja Mom recently posted..Catching some Zzzs at Naps Happen
I’m currently pregnant with my second child and the postpartum depression worries me a bit. I had one week of the blues with my son, but that’s it. But all pregnancies and deliveries are different so who knows.
Thanks for sharing your storing. I’ll make sure to tell my husband, the first sign of me losing it, to call the doctor ;-)
Lala recently posted..Im back & PREGNANT!!!
You know,my post partum depression was bad enough that I never had another kid (ok, there were some other factors involved, like divorce). If I had gone on anti depressants right after she was born, instead of waiting four months, I would have enjoyed being a mom of an infant instead of being a horrible mess. One thing I will say: if you’ve been on anti depressants before (I had been), you’re more likely to suffer from PPD. Be proactive, because often no one else can help you the way you help yourself. Kudos to you for getting help quickly.
Jenny recently posted..Manly Accessory
I had the postpartum anxiety/psychosis thing as well. Also, I had no idea what was going on (because I didn’t cry) with the first one until years afterwards. When I pregnant with the second, I mentioned this to my doctor– and she put my on the meds one week before my due date. I cannot even begin to describe the difference between the two newborns stages. Well, besides the fact that with the second, I wasn’t deathly afraid of someone breaking into my house with large knives…
Sarah recently posted..Popular Crowd
I only have one child right now but in retrospect I can clearly see I was depressed when he was born. I burst into tears at my 6 week check-up and couldn’t speak I was crying so hard, didn’t even know why. My doctor simply said “I will call you in a week to see if you’re OK and if you’re not, I’ll write you a prescription” and she never called me so I never followed up on my own. The first 6 months of parenthood were pretty miserable for me. I got better over time but it wasn’t easy. I will remember this entry when I have a second and be sure to tell my husband to make sure I get help when the signs reappear.
Yes, to this! There should be a support person in place to check up with moms postpartum. If your doctor had followed up, you might have been saved years of depression.
Amanda recently posted..Dear Scouty-
I have ppd very very bad now. My baby is 6 mts old. I am on 2 kinds of anti-depression meds. Nothing is working. I cry everyday and have screwed up my life. I don’t get much sleep and when I do sleep I wake up crying. If anyone knew how horrible I feel they would be shocked. I just want to disappear.
shana…please please call your doc. and if he won’t help…FIND ANOTHER DOC. as amanda said, you DON’T have to feel this way. but unfortunately the right combination of meds won’t “knock on your door.” you have to do the leg work. GO FOR IT GIRL! it’s totally worth it!!
I know that feeling. I’ve been in it again recently and my son is 3. I didn’t get the right help soon enough and it made it worse over the long term. Please get help – talk to your doctor. There are other options and you just need to find the right one for you. Hang in there Shana, it’s not forever.
MamaRobinJ recently posted..Letting Go
shana, I’ve been there too. I hope that you call someone. Call a crisis line. Don’t minimize what you’re going through. Be brutally honest. Write it down before you get on the phone, then read it word for word.
I am thinking of you, and hoping very hard!
JourneyBeyondSurvival recently posted..Pen to Paper
I, too, suffered with PPD after the birth of my first child. I knew exactly what was happening, though, and roamed the streets trying to find someone to help me. I felt desperate and alone. I feel grateful that I have a wonderful support system and I have a voice. A big one. Since I am so open about my struggle, I have since been able to help about a dozen other people with their depression and/or anxiety issues. I was on Zoloft throughout my pregnancy with my second child and was also on Zoloft while breastfeeding. She is a bright, beautiful child. Nobody should ever have to go through that black hell. I am glad you shared your story. Someday, I will take the time to write about my entire experience on my own blog. Enjoy your beautiful family.
Dani recently posted..Go The F-ck To Sleep
Me too, me too, me too. Ugh it really sucked and then that pill just worked! Like magic! I’m pregnanybwith our third now and must already told me I’m getting a zoloft script at the hospital when I deliver this baby! Thanks for sharing – it’s something I’ve never talked a bout on my blog!
I’ve been there and I agree with you. After my second baby I was a total basket case. I would not have made it without that little blue pill.
Jennifer recently posted..Kids do the darnedest things
And one more thing… maybe it’s tongue in cheek, but I would never call taking meds the “easy way out”. It is a strong, difficult decision to seek help for most people and I think you are an amazing woman for choosing to be the best you and best parent you can be. Ignoring that something is wrong or not seeking help is definitely more difficult, but everyone loses.
Dani recently posted..Go The F-ck To Sleep
Jill,
I loved your post.
Granted, I’m sitting here sobbing like nothing else in my yoga clothes…..you’d think I just did 10 series of crossfit if you walked into my house…..
Anyways, I’m absolutely floored by this paragraph:
“I suppose the truth can be found in a million different historical, sociological, gender debated parts of the human experience. I suppose the answer is something like… psychology is only a recently understood area of medicine and women are depressed because of their historical position in American society and we’re all removed from our deeper, spiritual selves and we had bad childhoods that we don’t want to talk about so when a problem pops up in our psyches, we’re not able to cope and so we kind of go haywire and can’t treat the subject with openness. Or something.”
My husband…the love of my life who I am still trying to stop crying over every day a year after he left me….left me……a year ago. We tried for 18 months to have kids. I went thru everything from just tracking my temperature every morning to taking Clomid and Prometrium, tracking every little burp, hiccup and fart my body made…and we had 8 miscarriages in 18 months. Then he told me a couple months after our last miscarriage that he didn’t want to have kids with me anyways, and then three months later he told me I had a few weeks to get the two kids I already had before I married him, get my stuff, and get out of his life.
I spent 18 months in the first trimester, twice with twins.
Now he walks around telling people he divorced me because I am crazy….and that I was a horrible wife, and that I am a horrible mother to my two girls, 17 and 10….and even went so far to call the local county social services three months after he left me and the girls in the street and make a report that I was a negligent and unfit parent. Nevermind that I turned myself inside out (literally) trying to give him children and now I spend a few minutes every morning in my bathroom alone with the door closed, crying…because I both lost those babies…and I lost the love of my life that I still think about with every breath I take (which is a lot when I am doing Crossfit)…..and trying to regain my body back after 18 months of fluctuating between six clothing sizes and sitting in my closet crying because nothing fit.
Men have no concept of what being pregnant, even for a few weeks, does to a woman. Much less being pregnant over, and over and over and over….with all the stress, tension and anxiety that goes with it normally compounded by a fear of sitting down to go pee…because you might find out you’re bleeding and losing the baby, his baby, again.
Next time you get the impulse to beat someone senseless with a ball bat…..I have someone that needs it.
Thank you for writing this post. I’m sobbing but I appreciate you vocalizing what you did…..so much.
Hugs,
Taj McNamara
I love that you practiced eye rolling with your daughter. and the rest of the post, too.
Brook @ To Be Dancing recently posted..Shapes- Lines- and Forms
Yep, it’s so common. I had PPD and didn’t know it, because rage and anger was my biggest symptom, not sadness or “depression”. Once someone suggested to me that I had PPD, I didn’t acknowledge it. Outright refused. It took me 18 months to get help, partly because I was afraid of the label, and partly because I was afraid of meds. It was 18 months of hell, but it got better after I started meds. I’m now on year 3 and still struggling, because I didn’t ask for help early enough or get the right help when I did. And that sucks.
I started blogging about my experience just to get it out, and I found there were so many others who experienced the same things. And suddenly talking about it became a lot less scary.
MamaRobinJ recently posted..Letting Go
Thank you posting this about your experience. PPD can be devastating! I dealt with it moderately with my first child, but was prepared with the second and didn’t wait before talking to my doctor and getting medication.
Thanks for sharing your story. I still struggle with being a “yeller” when I get too tired and my boys get too wired…
Had postpartum both times and major anxiety as you dicuss; invasive thoughts about my babies getting hurt and even paranoia that the people closest to me might hurt my children when I wasn’t there (they wouldn’t)…No meds for me but I have found a regular, intense workout regime does wonders for my biochemistry. For all of the stuff I have been through, I try to never be one of those judgemental moms. We are all just doing the best we can and making the right choices for ourselves as only we are able. Good work and I’m glad you’re writing about it. I find that helps so much with getting perspective ~
My experiences have totally made me into a more understanding and less judgmental mom, too. And yes! about working out. I never exercised on purpose before I had a baby, and now I feel like my stress level goes through the roof if I don’t get in at least 30 minutes of sweaty cardio per day. It does wonders!
Amanda recently posted..Dear Scouty-
I was JUST at the doctor for this because I was certain that my son riding In a car with anyone but me or my husband was going to cause an accident and the bet thing that ever happened to us would be gone. Or that the minute I left him in the child’s room he baby nappers would take him or a fire will break out and I won’t be able to save him. It is nice to know that I’m not the only mama who has temporarilly checked into the wonderful world of Zoloft to help me leave his.crazy anxiety ridden place I called my life.
Thank you so much for sharing your story!
I’ve suffered from depression for the last ten years or so, and it was only recently that I decided to give medication a try. I take Cymbalta now, and it’s a godsend. It deals with the symptoms that were stopping me from living my life to its fullest.
There’s a definite stigma against taking medication for depression. Every time we share our stories, though, we help to normalise it and let people see that it’s an important option for people who might otherwise suffer for the rest of their lives.
Thanks again!
Dave Higgs-Vis @ Folkabout Baby recently posted..Losing Sleep- How to Avoid Burn-Out with a New Baby
As a guy who has suffered from depression for the last 15 years, a good therapist and and someone with a kind ear and a good support system work wonders. YAY meds! I probably would be dead if it wasn’t for them. Kudos to all of you who have the strength to fight and the courage to talk to someone to make yourselves better!
Thank you! Thank you! Thank you for this post!! I just wrote a similar one last night. My youngest is almost 7 and looking back I believe I had PPD with both my children. My husband says I am always stressed out and have a hard time dealing with life. I always worry. I realize now he doesn’t mean it in a mean way, he’s just sharing with me what he sees. He’s right. Since having kids my anxiety level has gone up and in the last few months it’s been through the roof. I was so bad over the weekend that I called my doctor yesterday afternoon and she gave me a script for Buspar. I’m hoping it works and takes the edge off because I know I need help and my sanity back. Thank you for sharing. It’s nice to know there are others out there dealing with similar problems.
I so feel for you for going through this for so long! I hope that this medicine is the thing for you that helps you to relax and get back to living your life!
Amanda recently posted..Dear Scouty-
Thank you so much for writing this. This post could have been written by me. When my now 7 yo daughter was born, I was an absolute basket case. Danger lurked around every corner. I was sure I was going to screw up somehow and my baby girl was going to get hurt. I don’t think I slept at all in the first two weeks. Finally I went to my Dr. and he put me on Celexia. It took a little while to kick in but once it did I felt like I could function again! For me it was a no-brainer; I needed help, I asked for it, and I got it. And it not only benefited me, but my whole family, too. So I don’t understand why some people may react in horror and go all “CRAZY PERSON ALERT!!!” if I were to tell them that I had to go on anti-depressants for a while. I HATE that so many women out there are going through something similar but won’t get help because they’re afraid of that sort of reaction. I wish that damn stigma would just go away already!
Me too! That’s pretty much exactly how I feel about it all. It’s also crazy that doctors and literature will tell you that you might feel “sad and hopeless,” but nobody ever says that you might freak out and feel like the world is trying to eat you and your baby up. When you’re going through the paranoia and anxiety, you feel like you’re the only person in the world who feels this way, because, while PPD is normal, all anybody will tell you about it is that it entails feeling sad, not being crazy.
Amanda recently posted..Dear Scouty-
I feel I should add that part of the reason I’ve opted to just use exercise as an antidepressant is because I had an irresponsible doctor slap me onto Paxil after asking a rather limited set of questions. The stuff screwed me up so badly that I weaned off it much slower than going on, and I was still having complete breakdowns in public (all the week I was graduating with my BFA – great)! If I knew there was a med out there that would actually help me without “numbing” my personality (as some friends have reported) and causing horrible side effects, I might think about it…I am enjoying the responses you’re getting here!
Samantha Agar recently posted..Books Whut I Likes
Living without the medicine or therapy that can help you, whether it be for physical or emotional pain (or both) is like living on the 10th floor but never taking the elevator. It takes a kind of strength… But really, why don’t you just take the elevator? Why struggle like that. And one day, when your burdens are too heavy, you may not be able to make that climb. Anyone who looks at you sideways for taking that eleclvator… They’re the ones with the real issues.
Like MamaRobinJ, I had PPD with my first baby, but didn’t think that was it because I was just so ANGRY all the time. I reserved all my patience for my son, but I was seething with rage for everyone and everything else pretty much all the time for the first year. That has a lot to do with why we waited so long to have a second – we were both really afraid of re-living that first year. But knowing you, and other moms who have gone through the same thing, has been a huge help, and knowing that there is medication and support once this baby is born gives me strength and faith that this time will be different.
For Shana – you are not alone and you have not screwed up your life. Please keep talking to your doctors about what’s going on with you and seek out support in the form of other moms going through (or having gone through) the same thing. You will get through this.
Great post Amanda, you are such a talented writer.
Heather recently posted..Eliot and Bobba Fett- 2011photo- Justin
That anger is awful. I wish more people knew that it was a symptom and could get help.
MamaRobinJ recently posted..Letting Go
Great post. When my second was born, I needed help. I went to my doctor, whom I love and trust. I came home with a month supply of Lexapro to try out. Even though I knew I needed it and trusted my doctor’s help, I STILL sat and stared at those pills, and tried not to take them. Who that I help with that? Certainly not myself!
ChiMomWriter recently posted..Mama Sully’s Mama Crush
I know! I asked my husband about a thousand times before I took the first pill, “Are you SURE I should be doing this?” It was like I was trusting the stigma more than my doctor who was an actual doctor.
Amanda recently posted..Dear Scouty-
Simply brilliant. Like the Scary Mommy Confessions, you’ve undoubtedly helped yourself and countless untold numbers by sharing your experience. Well done.
NotJune recently posted..I Am No Longer As Intimidated by Pottery Barn Kids Catalogs- or- Happy Mothers Day
Great post! I understand what you are saying. I know for myself a part of me is afraid that if I admit how bad it was (at that point in time) to my doctor that he will think I’m an unfit mother. Even now we’re going through a tough time as a family and I’m pretty sure I have some form of depression but do I want to talk to my doctor about it? No. Partly because it’s hard to talk about and the partly because he’d probably send me for counselling first and I can’t afford it so there’s not much point. I’m coping as best as I can day-to-day but I still worry how it will affect our family.
Sorry long comment but I should put in here that my brother went on an anti-depressant for irritable bowel and anxiety he was having and his doctor questioned him repeatedly if this was the step he wanted to take because it will be on his medical record FOREVER which I guess can affect his getting insurance etc.
Zeemaid recently posted..Wait Dont Throw That Out!
Thank you – it really helps to see I’m not alone.
I am so so so glad you wrote this story and GOD BLESS YOU Jill for posting it here. I am literally to the point that I want to give up and blow my brains out. I finally admitted that to my husband and he told me to go get help. So I am seeing a Psychiartist tomorrow. This post reminds me that its ok to be brutally honest with the doctor. I am not the 1st mommy to feel like I this. THANK YOU.
Been exactly there except it all started while I was still pregnant. The dr had to convince me that being on anti-depressants was better for the baby than being depressed. Hard pill to swallow – literally & figuratively. But it completely changed life for me at that time. Moms, do it a soon as u can. Fighting on ur own leads u in a vicious circle!
Leisl recently posted..The ANC gave birth to a new SA- but does that make them fit parents
The night after I had my son, a traumatic shoulder dystocia that left him in NICU and me in a medical wing not for Mommies, it hit me. The nurses in my wing weren’t maternity nurses and no one stayed with me. I have been depressed in life. I have suffered with depression and anxiety most of my life. This was like the empire state building of depression. The monster in the closet you never knew was there, but hoped would never come out. I thought I was going to die and the world was ending. I finally called my mother, who was a maternity nurse, and all she had to say was “Why are you calling me at 3am, just go to sleep!” And, hung up. I cried. And cried, and cried, and cried. My face and body were puffy and swollen. My son was bruised and battered and suffering. I didn’t know what to do. After my mom’s reaction there was no way I was asking anyone at the hospital. I laid there in my hospital bed hurting physically, and freaking out mentally until the sun came up and they’d let me go see Brennan again.
I didn’t know what it was or why I felt so bad. No one warned me. There’s a taboo attached to it, for some reason, and it’s no joke. It causes behavior unlike normal depression, so much more intense, and you BELIEVE everything you are feeling to be true. I don’t know how many women it happens to. I just know it happened to me and if I had even had a little warning, or anyone had told me ‘hey this might happen’, that I might have coped with it better. Instead I spent a few weeks as the most terrified sad new mom in the world until it finally started to go away as my hormones adjusted.
Amanda’s writing is amazing. She makes me feel human like I’m not the only person in the world who feels these things. There was nothing about postpartum depression in any of my pregnancy books. Girlfriend’s guide, while informative, left the dark side out. I needed to know. Amanda’s work will save a lot of new mom’s some scary moments, and is a big comfort to those of us who have already gone through it. Her bravery is tangible, beautiful, and I’m so glad you shared this post with us!
My daughter will be 4 in October and I STILL lay in bed and imagine every possible horrible thing that could happen to me or her in the world. I am insanely paranoid that someone will break in to our house. Mostly because we lived in an area almost completely devoid of crime for her first two years. So much so I left my Coach purse in the front seat of my unlocked SUV in my open carport. Now I am terrified. Maybe I am depressed – but I doubt its postpartum – and maybe one day it will go away? Thanks for sharing – I thought I was the only one who had those thoughts.
You’re SO not the only one! I was never ever paranoid and fearful, until I had a baby. It made me feel like I was going nuts. So many new moms feel this way. It sucks to feel alone in something as scary as this, so just know that you’re not.
Amanda recently posted..Dear Scouty-
I feel this so deeply. I was never diagnosed after my first. With my second I was a basket case in the same mode as you “I’m not crying, I can’t be depressed.” I had a girlfriend who had felt the same and she told on me…LOL. Took the pressure off of me to approach someone for help. By baby 3 I had bad days, but I had so much more awareness of my thoughts and emotions. My hubby had learned some valuable lessons too. He would catch me before I got too far gone and send me off for a mommy time out.
There is not one thing wrong with Anti-depressants. Ever. There is a problem with those who don’t acknowledge their emotions and pretend things are always okay. Good for you, thank you for sharing!
Busymama recently posted..What Else Can You Do
I always knew you were brilliant and amazing, even when your world was spinning. I always knew you were a spectacular mother, even when you told me that you had to stay in bed with Scouty because everywhere else was too scary.
And I always knew that you were a fabulously talented writer who would change the world someday with your brilliance and here you are. I’m so glad you feel fine, because the world needs more Mamas like you, spreading the word about how it’s normal to not feel fine. And it’s normal to need to ask for help. You’ve helped me more than you know.
The Mama I am today is because of you.
Farren recently posted..My Brilliant High-Maintenance Baby
Thank you, Farren. I’m so proud of you, and I’m honored to have you in my circle of wonderful, thoughtful mamas.
Amanda recently posted..Dear Scouty-
Thanks for sharing this. I too, thought I was going crazy, but after my second child realized something was wrong. In fact I just started feeling like myself 4 months ago…. 3 years after I should have just asked for help.
Not Winning Mom of the Year recently posted..Celebrity Mom
Thank you so much for this. Just….thank you.
And, you’ve taken that and created a great craft. Keep it up! I can’t wait to ready more!
I loved reading your story. I have always tried to add a little bit of humor to my PPD. I always feel alienated as to how not EVERY new mother feels the way I did. I am a naturally anxious person, I know how to deal with anxiety. In fact, I’ve used it to my benefit. My PPD centered around how I felt like I had ruined ever aspect of my life – I really felt like I had made a mistake. I am not a sappy sad sack, but I turned into one. My anxiety over having ruined my life sent me into super depressed modes. I felt stuck. I called my doctor. Zoloft is great.
Jessica DeWitt recently posted..Where Have I Been
I kind of even think that every single mother feels these feelings in some way, just not to the degree that it becomes habitual. Nobody wants to talk about it because it gets better and it seems pointless to focus on the crappy parts. I’m so in favor of everybody just being brave and out there and honest about how having a baby, especially a first one, totally sucks and is totally scary! Being a mom is awesome, but having babies is a nightmare! haha.
Amanda recently posted..Dear Scouty-
As somebody who has had the baby baby blues ( 1st time around ) and PPD with all three of my children, ages 5 ( as of next month ahh! ) 3 ( come this July ) and 5 months, I thank you for this post from the bottom of my heart.
My husband refers to them as ” My Happy Pills ” as to stay away from calling me crazy, hahaha.
Great post. I have struggled with OCD and many medications that treat depression/anxiety also treat OCD. I have 3 children and recently started prozac and can’t believe the difference. I could not look at a person or surface without stressing out about all the germs that could be there. It can be a process to find out what works for you, but my doctor said to me it is no different than treating any other medical situation. Thanks for sharing your story :)
I’ve never been officially diagnosed with OCD, but I used to be hugely distracted by germs and constantly on alert about them. It was a totally unexpected benefit of taking zoloft that I’ve been able to mellow out about letting my children touch things, out in the world!
Amanda recently posted..Dear Scouty-
I’ve had 6 babies, my youngest is 14 now. The postpartum period is so physically & emotionally overwhelming even under ideal circumstances, I’m glad that so many women had the courage to talk about this side of motherhood.
Years ago I worked as a L&D nurse and childbirth educator. PPD was discussed in about 3 sentences as in “some women will experience the baby blues”.
I don’t work in the field anymore, but I hope updated curriculum includes a more thorough discussion of this, especially including the expectant mothers support person. Let’s face it, it’s not always easy for the person experiencing PPD to realize the need for help. It’s hard to “think clearly” and objectively when part of the problem is you’re not “thinking clearly”.
The Mayor recently posted..What Happened To Amanda
I think you are so right about needing to have a support person in place for moms, postpartum. As soon as our babies are born, it’s like nobody is interested in how we’re doing, suddenly. The focus is so heavy on pregnancy care. I think a lot of women feel like they’re just kicked to the curb by their doctors, all of a sudden.
Amanda recently posted..Dear Scouty-
I took zoloft once briefly .scared the hell out of me .the suicidal thoughts increased immensely .have been afraid to try any other drugs .I just suffer in silence .it is all I know .
As a psychologist, this post was just wonderful to read. It’s so helpful for people like you to share your story with others who are trapped by the fear of being stigmatized. Mental health is still not well understood by most. The fact is that we’re all one major crisis away from the potential of developing mental illness, even if for just a brief period of time. And you are right that unfortunately there is no one perfect treatment for everyone. Sometimes people have to experiment, sometimes it’s trial and error for a while, sometimes people prefer talk therapy over medications. That alone can push people away from seeking treatment or trying something else when one type of treatment has failed. But being honest with others about what you went through and what you tried will hopefully be inspiring and help others too. Thanks for sharing!
Kid Id recently posted..The First Adolescence
Thank you so much for sharing. I have a 15 month old daughter and I went through something very similar. I didn’t have what I thought would be “typical” signs of depression. I wasn’t crying all the time. I was able to get things done around the house. I just had terrible anxiety and panic attacks. I couldn’t sleep, which stressed me out more and I am sure increased my symptoms of depression. I do not want to scare my friends that are pregnant but I wish someone would have told me more about PPD. I had no idea how common it truly is and I felt SOOOO much shame. I thought I was a bad mom and letting everyone down. I kept thinking why can’t I be normal like everyone else. About a month after the baby was born I went on Zoloft and it was the best decision of my life.
Again, I thank everyone for sharing their stories because it makes me feel less crazy.
Amanda,
You are an amazing mom. Congrats on doing what was right for you and your family!!!
Crazy pills — ha! This was seriously a great post, seriously. And there are not many truly great posts out here about PPD, depression and anxiety. So many times they are prettied up or end with ‘in the end I didn’t need any medication! Just sunshine and yoga!’ Thank you for this one.
Kim recently posted..I Don’t Know How
loved this!!! Suffered in silence after my Monster-Monkey was born for a year….Got help after the Middle-Monkey and I’ve never looked back – for me post-partum anxiety was just the tip of the iceberg – so it’s Lexapro for me!!
Bravo for sharing your story and being so very real in doing it!!!
Erin recently posted..Sex Yes- please
I think you are brave and took a very courageous way out. Women and even most doctors don’t talk about depression on a heart and gut level. It’s okay to have “postpartum depression,” but I find that few people really want to hear about its depths. I wish you so much luck!
Cheers!
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that’s the totally wrong website by the way. so sorry!! trying to delete it….
I think you are brave and took a very courageous way out. Women and even most doctors don’t talk about depression on a heart and gut level. It’s okay to have “postpartum depression,” but I find that few people really want to hear about its depths. I wish you so much luck!
Cheers!
wendy recently posted..Bizarre Parenting Scenarios
Wow!! you just described in DETAIL exactly what I went through, with all 3 of mine. I told my husband it felt like I was on HIGH ALERT constantly! A little peep or cry sent me over the edge with anxiety. Even to this day (my youngest is 17 months old) if I hear a baby cry my adrenaline goes right through the roof. I sure wish I had taken medication because it is not fun…now I try to supplement 3 times a day with Emergen-C 3 times a day when I feel like crazy woman with medusa hair.
1 out of 8…….
1 out of 8 are feeling VERY lonely & failing…
Do we need to say more ?!?
I, too, have Postpartum Depression. I’m being treated with Cymbalta, and what difference it’s made! Thank you for describing so well the debilitating anxiety–that was exactly how I felt after my son was born last August. I wish that I had gotten on medication sooner.
Thanks for posting this! This was a very timely read for me. I am surviving PPD for the 2nd time around, and I started on Effexor just yesterday. It was an extremely hard decision to make, but the alternatives were not helping. I’m the kind of person who doesn’t even take Advil until absolutely necessary, but I know that my family and I will all be better off in the long run if I take steps to healing now. I’m just praying that it works!