Have you heard the term “happy wife, happy life?” It’s the gospel truth, folks.
But you know what else is true? A happy MOM is the BOMB. That’s why Mother’s Day has always kind of struck me as funny … not funny “ha ha” but funny as in, “Why am I still wiping boogers and asses on MY fucking day?” In other words, I haven’t thought it was funny at all.
OK, OK, some of you Internet troll-y types already have your cranky comments in the can (I know you guys), thinking I should be all grateful and shit and some people can’t have kids and they are a blessing and BLAH BLAH BLAH. Look, I get it! But I get it 365 days a year, you know? Why, oh why, do we have to feel the heaviness of it all on the ONE day that is ours? Ladies, I give you the pre-Mother’s Day Mother’s Day.
A girlfriend told me about this about five years back and my life has been forever changed. She said that she and her girlfriends gather at this amazing resort near Los Angeles the day before Mother’s Day and drink champagne. All day. In the sun. While conversing. Without kids. Some even GET MASSAGES. At the end of the day, some of them cab it home while others even stay at the resort.
Hey, you … the one with your panties in a bunch. I know you’re still reading just so you can leave your bitchy comment. I get it. Mother’s Day is awesome and I’m not trying to detract from that. Everything from breakfast in bed to the portrait of you made entirely of elbow macaroni and all the extra kisses and hugs make everything you do worth it. But you know what else is awesome? PRE-MOTHER’S DAY MOTHER’S DAY.
Dads, listen closely to this. YOU WILL SCORE BIG ON THIS IN LOTS OF WAYS. Yes, I do feel the need to type in ALL CAPS when I tout the BENEFITS of pre-Mother’s Day Mother’s Day. I don’t need to spell it out for you, do I, guys? Let me just say this: Bow chicka bow wow. Go the extra mile. Shoot the wad, so to speak. In fact, last year, my friend’s husband sprang for a suite at a local resort and a bunch of us gals were able to luxuriate by the pool all day and then stay over for a very boozy girl talk sesh. The next day, the dads showed up with kids in tow, and everyone was oh-so-happy.
Picture us painting each other’s toenails if that helps. Having a pillow fight. Giving each other back massages while reading 50 Shades of Grey. We don’t fucking care as long as you do it. Do you know how high a pedestal this husband was put on after this stunt? Needless to say, the other husbands/dads looked like chumps. But whatevs. Now we know the other dads will take turns doing just this each year because, you know, guys are competitive.
And you know what comes next, guys? FATHER’S DAY! Yep. You know those golf clubs you’ve had your eye on for a while? You just might get them. And. And. And. Sorry, I get so excited. And you just might get a day of golf to use them. Amazing, amirite? Dudes, you scratch our well-tanned backs and we’ll scratch your hairy ones. It’s that good of a deal.
Full disclosure: I feel the need to spill the beans on one nearly inevitable drawback of the pre-Mother’s Day Mother’s Day. It is more than a teensy bit possible you might not feel 100% on the actual day. But you know what two words I have to say ’bout that? Gatorade and Ibuprofen. You’re welcome. Now go forth and spread the pre-Mother’s Day Mother’s Day love, k?
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