Well, There’s No Easy Way to Say it: You’re Effing Enormous
Hopefully the baby has dropped down in your pelvis enough to give your upper torso a break, leaving you with easier breathing and less heartburn. However, if you haven’t had hemorrhoids yet it isn’t too late for you to experience that particular pleasure; several months of constipation and all that pressure from your heavy uterus are too much for many women’s veins to take (you’re just lucky you can’t see down there, as the same triggers can also cause varicose veins in the vulva — sexxxxxy). Ice packs, sitz baths and witch hazel are your friends; might as well stock up now, because if you deliver vaginally you’re going to need all those things later anyway. (Sorry.)
You know how people always say delivery is like pushing a watermelon through an opening the size of a lemon? Well good news — your baby is the size of a watermelon now! Sure, a mini watermelon, but I dare anyone to mention the “mini” part while you’re in labor and expect to survive your wrath. She has pretty much reached her birth weight and has enough chub to keep herself warm outside the womb… assuming she ever decides to come out, which you’re seriously starting to wonder about at this point.
Many moms-to-be plan for labor like it’s their job (and in a way, it is), but don’t forget to prepare for what comes after the baby’s born! Make sure your new car seat is installed and that you’re ready for baby’s homecoming. At home you’ll need basics for the baby (diapers, wipes, formula if you’re bottle feeding, etc), basics for yourself (an XXXL maternity tarp to wear, ginormous pads to keep the lochia from leaking out of your vagina onto the tarp you’re wearing, tissues because your hormones will be all jacked up and make you cry 90 times a minute, etc.)… oh, and the number for a pizza place that delivers. You’re almost there, mom!