How I Used My Pregnancy As A Free Pass To Be Unreasonable

When the UPS Person Comes to Your House

I first met our UPS man when I was pregnant with my second child and was still trying to get the hang of taking care of my 1-year-old. If he came at the wrong time (nap time, feeding time, diaper changing, during reruns of Dawson’s Creek) I would become very cross. Did he have to honk his horn and ring the bell? Breathe so loudly? Couldn’t he come at a different time? At like, 3? 3 p.m. is good. Nobody is sleeping or eating then. Apparently no, they can not deliver my packages any old time I want them to be delivered. His agressive knocking and doorbell ringing were replaced with tiptoeing, dropping the package on the porch, then sprinting away.

However, if he came at a good time, I would offer him cookies and try to drum up some light conversation. Maybe once or twice I asked him to watch my child so I could use the loo, grab a shower or make some fried chicken, but apparently they don’t do that either.

When You Gain More Weight Than All the Other Pregnant Women

While pregnant, I dressed out at a number I don’t care to mention and hated all women who were able to keep their weight to the recommend 30 pounds or less. This is otherwise known as doing the hardest thing in the world. I weighed 50 pounds more than my husband, and he is over 6-feet tall.

So, I gained a lot of weight and pondered how everyone else managed to keep their figures under control, while I ate a bag of peanut butter cups, followed by a bag of Doritos—every day.

When Your Body Temperature Rises and Rises and Rises

Pregnancy made me run hotter than the sun. Even though there was constant pleading from my husband to close the windows and doors, I kept them open into late fall, with all fans going full bore. We live in the Northeast, and when you live in the Northeast, there is frost in the fall.

I would have a sliver of a sheet draped over one leg, sleeping oh-so-soundly while my husband was wrapped in down blankets and furs from wild animals and even started wearing one of those sleeping caps paired with earmuffs. The curtains would be horizontal as blustery breezes floated through the house. I think a few flurries crept in one night, which felt glorious.

More than once I stepped out of the shower, put a towel around me (which did nothing for coverage toward the end) and marched outside and opened my towel right up. I craved the cold, fresh air and would fill my lungs full of it as I felt the freshness flow up through my lady bits and cool down my furnace-like body. This worked beautifully. If anyone saw me do this, I am not sorry.

When You Are Feeling Queasy and Everyone Around You Is Eating Stuff That Triggers Your Gag Reflex

I could not be around onions, certain cuts of beef, fried food and anything that had a gelatinous-like quality those first few months. Nobody was allowed to cook or eat anything like that around me.

Eventually I did return to my old self (for like, a day), before turning into my new self who craved things like burnt cheese with tuna fish and pepperoni on top. New self loved all the food, especially if it was mashed together in strange combinations. Nobody was allowed to say anything about how it smelled, gag, look at me the wrong way, look at my food the wrong way, sit too close to me, or sit too far away. However, if they wanted to bring me the jelly jar, a tub of cream cheese, and chocolate-covered graham crackers that was acceptable, as long as they didn’t expect me to share.

When You Really Want a Puppy

When I was six months pregnant with my third child, I decided it would be fun to get a puppy. Everyone warned me that it was a very stupid idea to get a puppy with a 1-year-old, a 2-year-old, and another on the way. They didn’t even try to be nice about it. I didn’t care, and I did it anyway. I had to have this puppy. I believed she was put on this earth just for me. I sobbed at the thought of not having her.

This was not the best decision I have ever made, but I would do it again, so really, this one should not count.

When You Want Your Husband to Desire You at All Times, No Matter What

Even while wearing my tattered terry cloth robe (that I could not tie anymore) and a nasal strip (nasal congestion during pregnancy is no joke), I wanted my husband to find me extremely attractive.

I wanted him to bring me fried chicken every night and watch me eat it (he wasn’t allowed to have any), rub my feet and carry me upstairs to bed, in a romantic way, not a grunting, painful sounding way. Apparently weighing 50 pounds more than your husband will prevent him from doing this. He had to save his back for work or some stupid bullshit like that.

So after reviewing this list, my husband may have a small point, but I think I can avoid some of the unrealistic qualities of my pregnant self, if we were to have another.

First, I could send out for some type of fried chicken, Doritos delivery, foot-rubbing service. I am sure that exists now.

My kids don’t nap anymore, and that is a win for the UPS guy.

I can tell my midwife I would like to skip the whole weighing thing, and I won’t ask my husband to carry me up the stairs (wimp).

So, I think I have a pretty strong case, except for the whole Pinterest thing. Pinterest didn’t exist during any of my pregnancies so I wasn’t able to compare my very boring, regular nursery, with all of the dreamy, wonderland type nurseries, which are designed with organic sheets, diamond-studded cribs, animal skins and hand-painted accent walls.

This might be a problem. I am going to want that shit. I am sure with all the other unrealistic expectations wiped away, my husband would be able to handle it though.