Before becoming a mom, I had never asked the question, “Is it okay for this child to use my sock as toilet paper?” Or, after my two-year-old sprinkled her great grandparents ashes in her hair, I asked, “How much soap does it take to get human remains out of someone’s hair?” The answer: A lot. But I have asked these questions, now, and I can never go back.
Here are 25 other questions that I never knew I would be asking once I became a mother:
1. Is that chocolate… or poop?
2. Oh crap, will anyone notice that I’m wearing two different shoes?
3. Can a baby actually suck your life force out through your boobs?
4. Ketchup totally counts as a vegetable, right?
5. How is it that I have a college education and I can not solve this second grade math problem?
6. Wrestling this person into her clothes counts as cardio, right?
7. Did my mom hide in the bathroom, too?
8. How long can a kid survive on just toast?
9. Is it possible for my ears to explode from the shear amount of words that have been stuffed into them?
10. Is she really being nice, or does she want something from me?
11. How long until someone actually dies from lack of sleep?
12. I don’t have to put new makeup on if I didn’t wash off the stuff from last night, right?
13. What, exactly, is the octave of scream that will shatter glass?
14. Does my husband really sleep that soundly, or is he full of shit?
15. Yikes! How long has it been since I actually looked at my eyebrows?
16. If I don’t make a sound, will they find me?
17. How much do I really care about enforcing this rule at this moment?
18. Did I put a bra on?
19. Do I have enough reserve patience to let her help me put these ingredients into the bowl?
20. Oh God, didn’t my mother used to say that exact same thing?
21. How did I not know that I am a complete control freak until he decided he has to pick out his own clothes?
22. Was Google placed on Earth just to scare the shit out of me?
23. Was I this annoying?
24. Am I irreversibly screwing up this kid?
25. Who the hell am I?