1. Nudity. Yep, it’s everywhere. Whether it’s your boobs exposed for all the world to see while breastfeeding or your child’s naked derriere as she streaks through the house guests be damned, there is a ton of nudity.
2. Waiting in Line for the Bathroom. Remember waiting in line for the bathroom at a house party and being pretty sure there was something suspect going on behind that closed door? Well, it’s not going to change. I’m never sure what exactly is going on in there. The toilet has been plugged on more than one occasion. I’ve opened the door to what looks like the damage from a small tsunami. I cleaned toothpaste off of surfaces much higher than my kids can reach.
3. Pounding on the Bathroom Door When You’re Just Trying to Pee. Bang! Bang! Bang! Yeah, you just got in there after waiting in line. You made sure no one needed anything. No sooner than your butt hits that seat and suddenly there is pounding, screaming, crying and the inevitable chant of “mommy…mommy…mommy”. Want to know my secret? Leave the door open and the light off- no one suspects a thing.
4. Extra Panties in Your Purse. I mean, I never did that, but I heard there were girls who did… However, I do it now, but they are for my kids because you never know when they might come in handy. One meltdown at a restaurant because of a skid mark is enough, thank you!
5. Belching Contests. Sorry. Kids love them and fathers love to encourage them.
6. Hangovers. The difference is now you get one after just two glasses of wine on your one night out a month (if you’re lucky enough to find a babysitter) where you spend your time talking with your spouse about the kids you were so desperate to escape.
7. Waking up to Random Strangers. Okay, that one is maybe a stretch. I’m referring to sleepovers. Kids you may have never met, let alone like, will be at your house eating your food and giggling until all hours of the night.
8. Being Up All Night Long. You used to stay up to have fun, drink, and party. Worst case scenario you had a test to cram for. Not anymore; now it’s just hell.
9. Piss Pants. We all had one. You know him. That guy that drank WAY too much and inevitable pissed himself. Don’t worry, he hasn’t gone far. He switched to apple juice and disguised himself as a three year old.
10. Waking Up Covered in Vomit. The only difference is now it isn’t your own and somehow that’s much worse. Instead of your best friend it will be your daughter’s hair you hold back as she battles the stomach flu.