“I don’t know what I’m doing.”
Those damn YouTube make-up tutorials. Some gorgeous woman applying makeup so skillfully, smiling away, knowing the purpose of each product and the right tools to use. She makes it look so easy, but for most of us regular people, that’s not how it goes. Luckily, we have good news.
There’s a makeup tutorial for the rest of us. And it will make you laugh your ass off.
Tanya Hennessy, an Australian comedian and radio personality, posted a video of herself titled “Realistic Makeup Tutorial.”
And boy, is it ever.
While typical makeup tutorials feature a super knowledgeable chick speaking makeup as though it’s a whole other language, Hennessy sounds like us. That is, moms who last bought makeup brushes during Obama’s first term.
She starts out by applying primer, which is crucial. Right? Probably, who the fuck knows? Hennessy came to own her MAC primer “against her will” through a saleswoman whose beauty intimidated her into buying it. “She was really attractive and I was threatened by her, so I was like, I’ll just buy it.”
Welcome to why I buy 90% of my makeup online.
Hennessy applies the primer with “a brush that lost its label, because I’ve had it since probably 2002, maybe? And I’ve never washed it.” Remember those circa-2007 brushes I mentioned earlier? Yeah. I’ve never washed those either. Sorry, beauty afficiandos, ain’t no momma got time for shampooing brushes. I can barely shampoo me.
“God, this is like a magnification mirror and it’s bringing a lot of things to my attention,” Hennessy laments as she brushes on the primer. She hastily finishes the job declaring the result “heaven.”
She explains that after priming her face, which she doesn’t actually know “what it does or what it is, but it was very expensive” so she continues to use it, it’s time for foundation. And her system for selecting a shade is very scientific.
“I use either this Maybelline Fit Me product or I use this MAC Studio Fix Fluid depending whether or not I’m tanned.” She’s not tanned, so she holds up the Maybelline and declares she’ll be using “this shit.”
Hennessy soon runs into another common issue that makeup tutorials never mention — how pesky facial hairs are highlighted by the application of foundation. She notes that she’s “definitely got a little ‘mo” after brushing on the makeup. Been there, girl.
Time for brows! She holds up a tiny brush from cosmetics company Pony, calling it a “pink thing,” because who the fuck knows what all these specific brushes are actually called? Her brow gel is also a “thing” from Pony cosmetics. Whatever, right?
She immediately screws up a brow and starts trying to repair it with the brow brush. “Yeah, oh, that’s gonna save it,” she laughs. “I’m not sure if that’s right or not, but I don’t care.”
Glad someone else does their makeup with the goal of “Good Enough” in mind.
Hennessy moves on to contouring, which, bless her heart for even trying. Whenever I attempt it, I either look like I’ve had a drunken romp with a bottle of self-tanner or like I’m auditioning for Cirque du Soleil. She admits she doesn’t know what she’s doing and just gives it a go.
She explains that the contouring is done to give the illusion that she only has one chin, and if that’s a thing that can happen, someone please tutor me.
Eyes are the next step, which includes “brown tone” eye shadow applied with yet another unwashed brush that has some black on it from her “slutty eye” for a recent event. After assessing her handiwork, she looks in the mirror and says, “You know what? That’ll do.”
My whole beauty philosophy in a nutshell.
Hennessy tries her hand at a little more blending of the brown stuff while whispering, “I don’t know what I’m doing.” And she is so not alone.
After applying mascara she estimates to be six years old (“Oh, she’s clumpy,”) she then goes in with a lip pencil topped off with crappy old chapstick.
And, voila. She declares her look complete. “My eyebrows don’t look great, I can’t see out of my right eye because I think I’ve got an infection from the mascara.”
Despite her failures, she ends on a positive note. “Anyone can wear makeup, just give it a go!”
Sure. As long as we can laugh hysterically at her tutorial while using our nine-year-old brushes and shitty mascara.