A (mostly true) account of the third night of the Republican National Convention
Welcome to Night Three of the Republican National Convention!
Tonight’s theme is Make America First Again, because our initials aren’t U.S. for nothing. We’ve got some great speakers lined up and expect another exciting appearance from Donald Trump. After the drama of the last two nights I get the feeling that this night is going to go really, really well.
Let’s dive right into the swirling waters of chaos that is this convention and see what’s in store.
Rick Scott, Governor of Florida
Hi all, I’m Rick Scott from the great state of Florida. Before Mr. Trump drops from the ceiling like a spider, I want to start by thanking you for all the support you have given my state in the wake of the horrible shooting in Orlando. The LGBT community wanted me to thank you, too, and to ask you not to take away their civil rights. Or do. That’s from them, not me.
Terrorism used to be something that happened in other countries, where we didn’t have to care about it. But now, how many Orlandos, San Bernadinos, and Fort Hoods will happen before Obama gets honest? Follow-up question: what do all three of those shooters have in common? (Hint, it starts with an “M” and rhymes with “Uslim.”) (Second hint: if you look like Dylan Roof or Adam Lanza, I did not include you on the list for reasons of convenience, racism, and convenient racism.)
This is the year we get to fire the politicians. And who better to do that than a reality TV star whose catch phrase is, “You’re fired”? I mean, if you wanted to warn someone about the presence of explosives, you’d get Jimmie “JJ” Walker from “Good Times.” And if you needed someone to help you start reciting the alphabet, you’d call on The Fonz from “Happy Days.” It just…makes…sense.
Pam Bondi, Attorney General of Florida
[We would have loved to see Pam’s speech, but we’re afraid she is still trying to regain the weight that she lost when Anderson Cooper ate her soul on live TV a few weeks back. CNN’s cameras turned away tonight out of kindness.]
Col. Eileen Collins, Ret., First Female Commander, U.S. Space Shuttle
I know, everyone’s been wondering when one of these candidates was finally going to talk about space exploration, right? Well, we need more of it because that’s part of being an American. From the moment the first pilgrims landed on our shores, Americans have been asking, “What’s next?” And the Native Americans have been asking, “Excuse me, motherfuckers?”
Ralph Alvarado, Jr., State Senator
Hello! Before Mr. Trump surfaces from under the floor like a mole, I want you to talk to you about Hispanics. We Hispanics have simple, mundane dreams, like fleeing countries full of corruption and anarchy to come to the United States. My parents did this legally, as those of you who have asked to see my papers today already know. President Obama has made us more divided. Democrats don’t deserve the Hispanic vote!
[All the white people cheer]
Scott Walker, Governor of Wisconsin
HELLO, MY NAME IS SCOTT WALKER AND I CANNOT CONTROL THE VOLUME OF MY VOICE. AMERICA DESERVES BETTER THAN HILLARY CLINTON. WE HAVE BEEN GOOD, AND WE WANT OUR COOKIE. AMERICA DESERVES BETTER. HAVE YOU HAD ENOUGH YET? TOO BAD, BECAUSE I HAVE OTHER LOUD AND ODDLY FLAT THINGS TO SAY ABOUT EMAILS AND COLLEGE TUITION AND WISCONSIN. AMERICA DESERVES BETTER.
Lynne Patton, The Eric Trump Foundation
Guess what, Republican party? Black lives like mine do matter less in this country. But Donald Trump knows that all lives matter. I am proud to stand before you to support him not in spite of my skin color, but because of my skin color. Where has the campaign been hiding me? God only knows.
Senator Marco Rubio (by video)
*Sigh* So, Hillary is no good, right? Ok. Well then, let’s go with Option B. That’s all I’ve got.
Senator Ted Cruz
I want to congratulate Donald Trump on winning the nomination last night. Like all of you, I want to see…conservative principles…prevail in November. Wink wink. I’m cheeky.
This is an important election. What if this, right now, is our last time? Our last moment to do something for our families and our country? Did we do everything we could? Did we do the right thing? I ask myself this every day, and the answer is always, “Yes, Ted, you did. Well done.”
Our Republican party was founded to defeat slavery. President Lincoln, a Republican, signed the Emancipation Proclamation. Republicans fought to defeat Jim Crow laws. This is what’s known as, “irony.”
[During Cruz’s talk about racial injustice, the flag on the big screen behind him starts cutting out. The Flag said, and I quote, “Nope.”]
We need all of the things that our nominee has said he stands for. Therefore, I ask you to vote your conscience. If you love your country and your children, vote for candidates who you trust to defend our freedom and be faithful to the constitution.
[Big Screen Flag snaps back to attention. “Oh…SHIT.”]
NOW whose dad killed JFK?! I’ll see you all in hell!
Newt Gingrich, Former Speaker, House of Representatives:
Before Donald Trump’s hologram is beamed on stage, I want to explain what Ted just said. See, he wants you to vote for someone who will uphold the constitution, and there is only one candidate who can do that. So really, to paraphrase Ted, you must vote for Donald Trump. See what I did there, Ted? I just gave you a paraphrase burn. That’s how academics do it.
Now, let’s talk about how we are all going to die, and who’s going to kill us. And we’ll see how many times I can indiscriminately throw around the words ISIS and Islam while we do.
We have nothing to fear from the vast majority of Muslims. The problem is that there are just so many of them. We are in more danger now than we were before September 11th. Terrorists are going to go into a major U.S. city with a nuclear weapon. We all know this is going to happen. It’s inevitable.
If we make it to November before the nuclear holocaust, please vote Trump.
Mike Pence, Vice Presidential Nominee and Governor
I accept your nomination to run and serve as the Vice President of the United America, slash, actual President.
For those of you who don’t know me, and that’s most of you, let me tell you about myself. Here are some keywords: Veteran, cornfield, Reagan, wife, father, Hoosiers. I sound like a pretty rational, decent guy, huh? Ha! Well, remind me to tell you about my stance on forced funerals for fetuses! (Spoiler: I’m totally for them.)
Now, in the style of an old cowpoke telling a yarn around the campfire, let me tell you a tale about Hillary Clinton and why we can’t let that filly became foreman of this here ranch. Hillary Clinton is the Secretary of the Status Quo. BAZANG! When Donald Trump is President, the change will be…wait for it…HUGE. Look at me, folks! I got jokes and old-timey charm!
If I become Vice President, I promise to pray every day, because, God knows, we will need it.
Thank you, and God bless the United States of America.
[Trump glides onto the stage atop the backs of two Bald Eagles — no, nope. He just walked on from backstage. Damn.]