1. Refuse anything but Cheerios for breakfast. Have them without milk on Mondays, Thursdays and every other Friday.
2. Hyperventilate if they get this wrong.
3. Don’t try anything new, EVER.
4. Just because you liked something yesterday does not mean you have to like it again today. It is perfectly acceptable to change your mind and you do not have to explain yourself.
5. Be suspicious of anything that was recently alive. Orange, dead-looking stuff is safer.
6. Request a wide variety of food at the supermarket and then A. Deny all knowledge of it upon your return home or B. Allow it to be cooked first and then say you don’t like it.
7. Spend some time revising brand names so that you can legitimately refuse cheaper derivatives.
8. Any amount of cooking or food preparation time above 30 seconds is wholly unacceptable.
9. Ask for updates of when things will be ready every 10 seconds. Protest with your fists on the floor if things are taking too long.
10. This may result in the meal being served half frozen but it doesn’t matter as you are not going to eat it anyway.
11. No eating on Wednesday afternoons, just because.
12. Make sure you have a spoon, knife and two forks with all meals and then eat with your hands.
13. Only ever use one specific plate. Flip out if it is dirty.
14. Deposit as much of your meal off the side of the table as possible. They say they “spend their whole life cleaning the kitchen floor.” Help make it a reality.
15. Sweet potato chips are insulting.
16. Avoid anything with sauce as there is a risk it contains blended vegetables.
17. Never drink water. They say “You will drink it when you’re thirsty.” Don’t. Get admitted to hospital with dehydration. That’ll teach ’em.
18. Always say you are hungry when you are in the bath.
19. Train your body clock to wake up for midnight bananas.
20. Casseroles, stews and pies are not to be trusted.
21. Sweet potato chips are insulting.
22. Kick people who describe broccoli as “little trees” in the shins. It’s condescending and its disgusting.
23. Avocado – WTF? – NO.
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