The other day my kids were making me a little nutty. Make that a lot nutty. It had been a hell of a week, and I was losing it. Not drown your sorrows in a glass of wine and a barrel of popcorn kind of losing it, but migraine and sobbing and puking losing it. It had really been that bad.
When things calmed down a bit, I talked to some friends, and they recommended books such as How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and How to Listen So Kids Will Talk. One in particular, called from Beyond Time Out: From Chaos to Calm was touted by several friends as the closest you could get to Anne Sullivan without grave robbing.
Now of course, I should be reading early and often to make my home more calm and orderly. To make it more reflective of the love I feel for my family. And of course, to stop my kids from dancing gleefully around their vanquished mother. Still, it stinks like a poopy diaper that Hubs and I have to be the ones poring over books to find all the answers.
In a perfect world my kids could do some heavy-duty self-help reading to fulfill their part of the bargain. If their reading skills were up to the task, and if colorful language mattered not, here are the self-help books for kids I would write in a heartbeat…
1. Or Else They’ll Shake You Like a Bottle of Salad Dressing: How to Lie Down and Shut Up at Bedtime
2. Don’t Just Stand There: How Doing What Mommy Asks When She Asks Will Keep You from Getting Bitched Out
3. Good in Public: How Good Behavior Outside Your Home Will Keep You From Being Put on Craigslist
4. Putting Your Freak Flag DOWN: How to Wear and Like(!) the Nice Outfit Mommy Picked Out for You
5. Quiet Time Deconstructed: How to Find Stuff to Do in Your Room and Give Your Parents a Break
6. Just Eat It! Why You Should Chow Down on What Mommy Went Out of Her Way to Prepare, When She Could Easily Let You Subsist on Crap
7. Once Upon a Broken Ankle: Why You Should Pick Up Your Toys If You Don’t Want Mommy to be Laid Up and Unable to Meet Your Every Need
8. Step Away from the TV! Understanding That We Limit Your Screen Time So You Don’t Wind Up Living With Us at Age 37
9. Not a Word in Edgewise: You Really CAN Shut Up and Let Your Parents Talk for Five Friggin’ Seconds
10. The Peaceful Car: Why Not Shouting, and Fighting, and Asking for $@%# Will Keep Mommy Calm and Everyone Out of the Hospital