Everyone knows that sex changes once kids enter the picture. Fatigued parents do their best to maintain some modicum of intimacy with their partner, but most tend to fall into predictable patterns, engaging in one of the following five types of married-with-young-kids sex:
1. The-Baby-Is-Sleeping Sex. In this torrid form of sexual union, one partner, usually the wife, puts the baby down for his nap and is aware that there is an uninterrupted span of 45 minutes to be made use of until said baby will ear-splittingly announce that he is awake again. The wife feels guilty because she cannot remember the last time she and her husband made love, or even eye contact, and therefore she initiates with the arousing, melodious words, “Come on, he’s only going to be asleep for another 43 minutes and I also have to pump before he wakes up.” Her husband, eager Casanova that he is, responds by saying, either “Great! Let’s go!” or, “Well if you don’t really want to, whatever,” based upon whether or not he wishes to cause a Tremendous Fight in which his wife decries his passive aggressive nature and threatens to Never Goddamn Try Again.
2. Half Sex. This hot sexy form of lovemaking is a philosophical riddle. How can something be only half sex? Well, grasshopper, I am referring to that arousing moment when it becomes awkwardly evident that one partner is really, really, really, not into having sex, to the point that it is reminiscent of the underrated cinematic triumph Lars and the Real Girl. In fact, in this unfortunate circumstance, only one half of the couple can even be said with any veracity to be having sex at all. This is usually the man, who later, in a paroxysm of bitterness and resentment, stays up until the wee hours Google stalking his hot high school ex-girlfriend who used to “really like making [him] happy.”
3. Co-sleeping Sex. Watch out Jenna Jameson, you may have a lot of hot sexual experiences under your belt (no pun intended!), but even you may not have been up to executing this steamy, and technically challenging, carnal fantasy. In this triple X rated experience (one X for each week the couple has been celibate prior to this encounter), a co-sleeping couple stealthily sneaks out of their bed while baby is still sleeping in it, and, so as not to disturb him, either has sex on the floor near the bed in a nest of bedding, or adjourns to a different room of the house, such as the living room. During this episode of unbridled passion, both partners are sure to be quick and silent so as not to wake baby or, worse, to fail to hear him pick this moment to learn how to roll out of the bed. This entire episode is so transcendentally sexy that it’s hard to even type it without becoming excited (for the day that we have all our kids in their own beds).
4. Birthday Sex. Obviously, I am referring to the guy’s birthday here, because often, the mother of small children would like her birthday present to be a signed (in blood) and notarized contract stating that no sex will be asked for during the entire month preceding her birthday. But, for her husband’s birthday, the wife will put on some lingerie that she doesn’t mind getting stained by breastmilk, and try to approximate a simulacrum of an enthusiastic sexual partner (meaning, she may make some noises that aren’t “Shhh”). Her husband, if he is adept at self-deception, will respond accordingly. Then the baby wakes up.
5. Actual Sex. Once in a blue moon, when all the children are asleep and you are feeling especially close (possibly because your in-laws have just visited so it is the furthest point from their next visit, or because you leafed through old photo albums that made you remember how hot you thought your spouse was when you first met), actual sex will transpire. Although you have one ear out for the baby monitor, you are able to get into the moment and connect with your partner sexually, emotionally, and non-parentally. Relish this experience, because it is as rare as a sighting of a unicorn, although much more magical.
If you disagree with these descriptions, either you need to bottle and sell whatever neurotransmitters you have racing around your brain, or you’re lying. Don’t worry, things will improve at some point. Just in time for menopause. Ha ha! (Let’s pretend I’m joking for all of our mental health.)
Related post: The Five Stages of Parents’ Sex Life