Kids. They arrive naked in the world, and one of our basic requirements as parents is to keep them clothed. Seems like an easy enough task, right? Wrong.
Dressing kids today is so sanity-boggling, it reduces most of us to incessantly asking, “why? why? why?” while contemplating embracing a nudist lifestyle.
1. Why does walking into a mall store feel like entering a tween pop music video? The signage! The glitter! The piles of clothes! The blaring music! Settle down, people, we just need some freaking leggings.
2. Why would I spend $100 on an outfit that my kid will grow out of in a few months? What do I look like, a grandma?
3. Why do all the t-shirts have to be telling us something, and usually screaming it in ALL CAPS? We get it, PIZZA IS YOUR JAM!!! (You’re 7, so it’s pretty much assumed that you like pizza.) Our kids’ shirts are yelling at us. Are we going to stand for this?
4. Why is there anything size 2T that is dry-clean only? Two-year-olds have only one purpose in life: to plaster everything in their vicinity with half-chewed goldfish crackers. Dry cleaning is for big people. Or no people.
5. Why do we have to keep track of coupons and spending bucks and sale emails (oh my!) that require us to wait to get the things we actually need now? Clothes shopping for mini-people is not something that should require a personal assistant.
6. Why are they pumping the air in the store full of obnoxious perfume? And then making us wait in the longest line while we breathe it in? It makes us feel ragey and nauseous and the only remedy is to consume a giant pretzel afterward so that the carbs will soak up the smell.
7. Why are all the “nice” clothes itchy and stiff? We’ve put a man on the moon and created the Internet, but dressing up for a nice brunch with the grandparents has to physically hurt?
8. Speaking of the Internet, why do we have to scroll through 23 pages of shorts to find the pair we need? We know WAY too much about shorts options now, and we were planning to use that brain space for something else. Now it’s full of shorts. Great.
9. Why is everything for girls pink? And sparkly? Girls like more than pink. And some don’t actually like pink. And girls don’t always feel sparkly. Last time we checked, it was 2015. Time to crack open the rest of the crayon box.
10. Why can’t we find pajamas without One Direction, Spongebob, or princess cats on them? (And what is the connection between cats, princesses and sleep anyway?)
11. Why does it feel like the designers of kids’ clothes don’t actually have kids? We’re not trying to get them down the runway; we’re just trying to get them out the door!
Why, freaking, why?!?!
There’s actually some good news — imagine that! — in the kids’ clothing department. We’re excited to share a new mom-owned website called Primary.com. Primary sells only basics for kids (all under $25) and won’t drive you insane during the shopping process.
Best of all, if you use the code SCARYMOMMY at checkout before May 31, 2015, you’ll get free shipping — no minimum — for an entire year. Plus, for the whole month of May, Primary is offering a free t-shirt, tank or babysuit with a purchase of $25 (while supplies last, one per customer) if you enter the code TEEPARTY at checkout.
Put that on a t-shirt.