Realizing that you and the person you committed yourself to for all eternity (and publicly, might I add), and created other human beings with, can no longer stand each other sucks ass. Divorce is hard enough without a Greek chorus of well-intentioned, but oblivious friends questioning, second guessing, judging and recommending alternatives to your every move and desire. Next time a friend tells you her marriage is headed toward that malt shop in the sky, remember these suggestions.
Don’t Say: It’s not healthy for you to talk about him so much. Stop obsessing!
Do Say: What else did he do this week that pissed you off? Seriously? He really did that? What a dickweed!
Don’t Say: Here’s a housewarming plant!
Do Say: I thought about bringing you a plant as a housewarming gift, but I realized it would be one more thing you’d have to try to keep alive, so I brought this enormous bottle of bourbon instead.
Don’t Say: Maybe now isn’t the best time to splurge on a king-sized organic latex mattress, hmm?
Do Say: Let’s go shopping for new sheets! 800 thread count! My treat!
Don’t Say: I’m so jealous that you get three nights a week away from your kids.
Do Say: Oh, honey, that sucks so much. Can I buy you a drink? He’s such a dickweed.
Don’t Say: Exercise will make you feel better.
Do Say: You’ve been looking a little too thin lately, so I made you some cookies.
Don’t Say: Just because we hang out with him a few times a month doesn’t mean we’re on his side.
Do Say: We only hang out with him to gather intel for you. We don’t even like him—he’s too much of a dickweed.
Don’t Say: What do you care that he has a girlfriend already?
Do Say: Let’s use the “sexy” filter and post some new pictures to your Tinder profile!
Don’t Say: Wanna go get a mani-pedi?
Do Say: Wanna go egg his girlfriend’s house?
Don’t Say: Don’t you think you should take a break from dating and just focus on your kids for a while?
Do Say: I was at the drugstore yesterday and noticed condoms were on sale, so I bought you a few boxes.
Don’t Say: Now might not be the best time to dabble in amateur porn.
Okay. Fair enough.
Don’t worry if you forget the specifics the next time you’re in touch with your divorcing friend, just retain this: A mom in the midst of divorce needs support, validation, blind loyalty and maybe a stiff drink. And even if he doesn’t seem like one, her ex is always a dickweed.