The main thing people ask about my mental health is how I cope when it gets bad.
The answer is, I don’t.
I spend days upon days in bed or zoned out. I barely eat, drink or even move. The problem is that I have college on Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Thursdays, and I still have to go no matter how I’m feeling. It may sound gross, but sometimes I wear the same clothes all week, which means on days I go to college, people can see I’m dirty. I don’t brush my hair, just get out of bed and go.
When I get bad, the thing that feels “grossest” about me is my personal hygiene.
Laying in bed for days on end in the same clothes does things to a person, but the fact that I often go a week or more without bathing or washing (yes, it’s disgusting, but it’s the truth) is probably the worst thing that I do. This is due to the fact that I cannot be alone with myself, or the urge to cut gets worse.
I’ve gone to college with greasy hair, dirty skin, smelling like a junk yard and I’m disgusted by the state I let myself get in, but in the moment I don’t care. It takes so much energy to just exist; I cannot physically pull myself out of bed for long enough to take care of my most basic needs.
The reality of mental illness can be disgusting and horrible, but I hope I am not the only person who goes through this.
Sharing this has been a self-healing, and I hope soon I can get better at dealing with my illnesses when they get bad.
Originally published on The Mighty.