1. The baby starts screaming at midnight and when you ask your husband to help, he staggers into the kitchen and starts rummaging through the cupboards under the sink.
You: “What the hell are you doing?”
Hubby: “Huh?” (continues rummaging).
You (yelling): “She isn’t in the frickin’ cupboard!”
Hubby: “Huh?… Oh.”
2. The deafening smoke alarm goes off in your room at 2AM, and you elbow him and say, “Turn it off.” He doesn’t move, so you shove him and shriek, “Make it stop!” He snaps to it and starts furiously and futilely banging his bedside alarm clock.
3. He yawns his way through every social occasion and dinner, especially when it’s with the in-laws or business associates.
4. You hiss at him to get the baby’s pacifier/bottle/medicine in the middle of the night and he springs out of bed instantly, and then just stands there in the dark, staring and doing nothing, unable to comprehend you or move.
5. He loses count of the eight scoops of formula before he gets to four, EVERY single time he makes a baby bottle.
6. He washes his hair with conditioner for a whole month, before realizing it isn’t foaming like normal and that is why his hair is an oily mess (but in such good condition!)
7. He gets to work and realizes he has your panties on, backwards.
8. When he serves himself some delicious plastic decorative garnishes from the buffet.
9. He arrives home from work and hours later you wake up and discover he’s not in bed. You assume he’s probably on the couch, but alas, your beloved husband is asleep on the toilet, his head resting awkwardly on the wall, a line of spit stretching from his mouth to the floor. The next morning, he still has a dark purple ring on his butt.
10. While you are both living the dream of the baby being awake from 2AM to 4AM every night for months, you break the news to him about being pregnant again. He can’t hide his joy and celebrates for a whole hour in the fetal position on the cold kitchen tiles.
Sleep deprivation; not just for moms!
Related post: The New Dad’s Guide to Surviving Your Wife