Jill Smokler, AKA Scary Mommy
@scarymommy
Latest posts by Jill Smokler, AKA Scary Mommy (see all)
- The Disney Reveal - May 14, 2013
- Met My Match At Disney… - May 13, 2013
- Sunday’s Baltimore Sun - May 11, 2013
Deborah Cruz, online known as @TruthfulMommy is the creator of the snarky, often entertaining parenting site The TRUTH about Motherhood. She’s a writer, a wife, and a work-at-home Ninja Mommy who’s trying to do it all well; usually falling short. She has a lot of degrees from a bunch of schools but mostly spends her days shuttling people under the age of 7 while trying to maintain my sanity.
It was a sunny Monday morning. I had just dropped my 4 year-old off at preschool. I had approximately 2 hours to get to my OBs office and have her check me and tell me nothing was wrong. As I lay there alone on the cold, hard table in the ultrasound room, I expected nothing to be wrong. I had some spotting, as I had with both of my previous pregnancies. Both times previously, everything was fine. I had overreacted. I was 10 weeks and 4 days pregnant with our third child. I just needed the ultrasound and the confirmation that everything was okay and I could continue on with my full day of errands. I wasn’t scared at all. That’s why my husband wasn’t with me. I was wrong.
The ultrasound tech made idle chit chat, apologizing for the wand of the vaginal ultrasound and any pressure that I might be feeling. Then her face went white. I knew. But it had to be a mistake. She continued on in silence. Then the words came, as if in slow motion from across the world, “I’m so sorry, I can’t find your baby’s heartbeat.”
I was in shock. All I could think was, she must have done something wrong. There is a heartbeat; she just doesn’t know what she is doing. I lay there for a couple more minutes, paralyzed and horrified. Embarrassed and humiliated, I wanted to disappear. I wanted to die. I wanted to be dead with no heartbeat, just like my baby inside me. I couldn’t talk. I didn’t cry.
I was interrupted from my internal psychotic break by the ultrasound tech taking my hand softly and telling me, once again, how very sorry she was for my loss and that she would take me downstairs to see my obstetrician “the back way”. I know it was so I wouldn’t have to walk through the waiting room filled with beautiful round bellies full of life. I knew. But it felt like, I was being taken down the back stairs because I was not worthy.
My body had failed my baby and me. There was malfunction and all I could do was take one step at a time and try not falling to the ground and crying forever. It felt surreal like I was watching this happen to someone else. I was outside of my body as I found myself in the Ob waiting room downstairs, not sure if I should politely smile or cry at the other expecting mothers. I was jealous. I was pissed. I was hurt. I felt like my initial reaction of surprise to this pregnancy had somehow made me unworthy to hold my baby. I could not speak. I saw my doctor. She explained the situation. I could barely hear her through my own thoughts. My head was so congested from holding in my pain. I was afraid to open mouth because all of the emotion would come pouring out and drown us all.
I was physically aching. My legs were shaking, my mind was racing, my head was spinning and I was alone; more alone than I have ever been in my life. I needed to hear my husband’s voice. He had to be told. I was the only one who could make that call. He knew I was at the doctor’s office. We’d been here before. We worried for nothing. It was always fine. Not this time.
I dialed the number through my blurry vision, I heard his jovial voice on the other end, “How’s our baby?” I was silent. “Is everything ok?” his concern was palpable. I started to speak, but it didn’t sound like me. It couldn’t be me speaking those words. I opened my mouth and the words came out like a death sentence, “ We had a M…………” and then I began to sob in an uncontrollable and animalistic way in which I have never experienced before. I could not finish the word. It was choking me. I could not say it out loud because then it would be real and then my baby would be dead. The promise of our baby would be broken. Life would be different. I would be different. It would all be less. I would never get to hold my baby in my arms because my baby was gone.
How do you survive a miscarriage? You don’t. You are changed forever. On the day that you lose a child, you lose part of who you were and become someone new; different. Your destiny is changed. You will never be the same. Eventually, you learn to breathe again, you get up of the floor, you stop crying and you somehow carry on.
{ 112 comments… read them below or add one }
I’m sorry you had to go through this. True, you do somehow carry on. It is the getting to the carrying on point that is a bitch and a half. Miscarriage changes everything about your being, and it doesn’t matter whether it’s your first child or 11th, whether you were two weeks along or eight months. It is a loss. It is devastating. It is life altering because something you expected, anticipated, wanted, is gone through nothing you did incorrectly. You are unable to control it and that might often make it worse.
Arnebya recently posted..This Happened Exactly the Way It’s Written. Partially.
I wish everyone who’s never experienced this could at least understand that it profoundly changes the mother. OUr entire perspective and place in the world shifts. XO
Debi (@TruthfulMommy) recently posted..Throat Punch Thursday~ Condescending Politicians Edition
I am really sorry for your loss. I hope you and your family are doing good.
THank you so much. XO
Debi (@TruthfulMommy) recently posted..Throat Punch Thursday~ Condescending Politicians Edition
Reading this post brought back all of the pain of my miscarriage. I think the hardest part about a miscarriage is that the grief is so intense for the person experiencing it, but everyone around you makes light of it. Like it wasn’t a real loss of life… I’m so sorry you have experienced a pain similar to mine. I wish it on no one…
You said it exactly right! When a women has a miscarriage you feel like your going through the pain alone and know our understands you.
*no one
Thats the worst part.
Debi (@TruthfulMommy) recently posted..Throat Punch Thursday~ Condescending Politicians Edition
I agree 100%. I feel like I need to talk about it but people are sick of it and don’t understand why I can;t get over it. I can;t get over it because it was my child and I will never get to hold my baby, snuggle it, hear him call me Mommy, watch him grow into a man and see who he would have became. I have been robbed and every 1st of the month, my heart breaks as a reminder…as it is doing right now:(
Debi (@TruthfulMommy) recently posted..Throat Punch Thursday~ Condescending Politicians Edition
I could have written this myself. There is nothing as horrible as having an ultrasound tech tell you those words. I am so sorry.
Jessica McFadden – A Parent in America recently posted..GIVEAWAY: Rascal Flatts at Merriweather Post Pavilion on Sunday September 2
I am sorry that you’ve had those words spoken to you, as well. I am so sorry for your loss.
Debi (@TruthfulMommy) recently posted..Throat Punch Thursday~ Condescending Politicians Edition
Thank you for sharing such a painful experience, it does change you forever. I lost my first baby when I was 21 and I thought it was my fault. I still feel like it sometimes 13 years later!
Lena Blair recently posted..Comment on George Foreman Show Us Your Grill Skill Recipe Contest by Jessica P
It wasn’t your fault. I blamed myself too. I needed a reason where there was none so I blamed myself and that broke my heart even further:(
Debi (@TruthfulMommy) recently posted..Throat Punch Thursday~ Condescending Politicians Edition
I am so sorry that this happened to you. This was very hard to read, it felt like you were telling my story…only mine was 9 years ago. I remember trying hard not to say anything, I knew if I did an endless torrent of emotion would come spilling out. My mother wasn’t happy about the pregnancy, and when she called to ‘comfort’ me, I just wanted hit her…more than I’ve ever wanted to hit anyone. I remember well-meaning friends and family saying things like “Well, maybe its for the best.”, or “That’s your body’s way of telling you something was wrong.”, or “God knows what’s best”….not knowing badly those words hurt, and that in that moment I HATED them. Carrying on on the inside took a long time. I’ve had 3 kids since then, but when I see their smiling faces in pictures I always imagine the 4th smiling face that could be there…and I so badly wish it were.
My Mother in law asked me 2 days post D & E, when my eyes were still practically swollen shut from constant crying..”Well, in a way…aren’t you kind of relieved?” I was so emotionally spent and appalled by that comment, she killed something in me in that moment. I still can’t believe that she even asked that. My heart broke. I hate her now for that comment.
Debi (@TruthfulMommy) recently posted..Throat Punch Thursday~ Condescending Politicians Edition
So sorry for your loss.
Stephanie recently posted..Things That Need to Stop…Now
thank you for your kindness
Debi (@TruthfulMommy) recently posted..Throat Punch Thursday~ Condescending Politicians Edition
Im so sorry
thank you:(
Debi (@TruthfulMommy) recently posted..Throat Punch Thursday~ Condescending Politicians Edition
Hugs…I too can relate to this – I was 20 weeks and went through the same thing. Praying for you and your family!
I am so sorry and I am praying for you as well.
Debi (@TruthfulMommy) recently posted..Throat Punch Thursday~ Condescending Politicians Edition
It’s been a year and half since my own miscarriage. I too was about 10 weeks along and you are right, the pain lasts forever. I’m thankful for the two beautiful kids I have but I will never stop mourning the loss of the little one that I never knew. I agree with Megan, unless you have personally lived through an experience like this, you can never understand the emotional pain. I felt as if I had a couple of days to mourn and then I was expected to just “get over it.” Thank you for having the courage to write it down and share it with us. I tried to do the same but didn’t do it justice.
Mikel recently posted..Growing Pains…
I’m so sorry for your loss.
Debi (@TruthfulMommy) recently posted..Throat Punch Thursday~ Condescending Politicians Edition
I am so very sorry.
Mae (Life’s Candy) recently posted..Unicorns! Rainbows! Iran!
I feel your pain. I have been there. It is so hard. I have to tell you, after reading “Heaven is For Real”… it has eased my mind a lot. That angel baby is waiting for you in heaven, just like mine is waiting for me.
Thank you for your kind words. I too believe that my baby is waiting for me. I pray.
Debi (@TruthfulMommy) recently posted..Throat Punch Thursday~ Condescending Politicians Edition
I’m so sorry for your loss, my dear friend. I love you. xo
tracy@sellabitmum recently posted..How To Survive an Election Year in a Mixed Marriage…
I’m so sorry!!
So much LOVE to you. I’ll be keeping you in my thoughts and lifting you and yours in prayer. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this… I’ve been there 3 times myself and it’s hard at times and other times, you’re at peace and then you can fall right back down again. All I know to do with myself at those times is keep getting back up… surround yourself with your support people, do things that make you feel better and just keeping loving you. This is not a failure and you have not failed… good luck.
You are so strong. Thank you for your kind words from the other side. I am praying for peace for you my friend. XO
Debi (@TruthfulMommy) recently posted..Throat Punch Thursday~ Condescending Politicians Edition
I am really glad that you shared your story. Many women feel alone or don’t want to talk about it. It is nice that they might be able to relate to you.
I am so, so sorry.
I’m so sorry this happened! Its devistating, and even though at some point you find the strength to carry on and live a “normal” life again, it will forever be on your mind. My husband and I suffered through 6 miscarriages before I finally were able to have a full term healthy pregnancy. Each one was just as heartbreaking as the one before. But the most important thing that I could do, was try to remember, I did nothing wrong, I did everything that I could to have a healthy pregnancy, and so do you :) When I was going through all the miscarriages everyone would tell me, “everything happens for a reason” and all I wanted to do was punch them in the face when they told me that. But now I realize they were right. Take the time to mourn your loss, but then remember that you need to carry on :) *hugs*
My sweet fried, I am so sorry that you had to experience this loss 6 times. My heart breaks for you. Happens for a Reason is what people say to try and comfort us when there is no reason. I told family that I preferred they say nothing because I was not ready to understand happens fro a reason logic. I know no logic that takes babies from their mothers but it is not mine to question so I try not to think about it, for fear I might go mad. XO
Debi (@TruthfulMommy) recently posted..Throat Punch Thursday~ Condescending Politicians Edition
So very sorry for your loss. There are no words that can comfort you in a moment like this, but I will pray for you and your family.
Another thought… I don’t know your spiritual beliefs but what helps me is that I believe in reincarnation and feel that a miscarriage isn’t really the end. I had 2 children, 3 miscarriages and then my 3rd child. I think my 3rd child is the one who tried to come the other times and he finally could the 4th try. So I don’t feel that my miscarriages were children I’d never meet… they were a child that was waiting for a better time for us.
I’m so sorry for your loss. I also went through a very similar experience not quite 2 years ago. I took the loss very hard, and still do. A friend posted this video on my facebook and I watched it repeatedly the whole night until I had my d and c….http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J2CnUtVY35o&feature=related. It’s a very sad video, but something you can relate to. I looked into their story as well, it’s a very humbling story.
I wish there were magic words I could tell you to make everything better, but there’s not. Loss takes times to heal. You will be changed forever, but you will not feel like this forever. I’m praying for you.
I am so sorry for your loss. My first pregnancy was a miscarriage and I can still recall the torrent of emotions that never seem to end. I love your wording and phrasing, it is so true that we are never the same person, our lives are forever altered. I recommend, when you’re ready, to listen to Radiolab’s podcast titled ‘Fetal Consequences.’. I listened to it a week or so ago, and even though my miscarriage was almost 4 years ago it helped heal a little peace of the pain.
I went through almost exactly this (I was 12 weeks) almost 10 years ago and it’s still painful to read your description. It does just change you. Excellent post.
I have not felt these emotions in 5 years. After a while you sort of close yourself off to it and move forward. You have to, especially if you have other children already. As I read this, I started to just weep. Like it had just happened all over. You are so honest and so powerful in your writing. Thankyou for reminding me it’s ok to take time to think about it again. I hope your family heals soon. Something that a friend of mine has done every year on the baby’s would-have-been birthday is to release a balloon in their honor. I think it’s powerful and simple and worth it to help you heal a little.
I am so sorry for the loss you and your family have been devastated by…my thoughts and prayers are with you.
I am so sorry for your loss. It’s like you described exactly how I felt when I found out about my miscarriage. Have faith and take it a day at a time. It is a time to grieve, give your spirit time to heal.
I am very sorry for your loss. I can relate to how you are feeling. We had two miscarriages before kids, then I was blessed with two beautiful daughters. I knew I always wanted three kids and then we were pregnant again. I was 10 weeks pregnant, but our baby only got to just shy of 7 weeks along in growth before things stopped. It was a few weeks before Christmas and it was the hardest thing to do to “act happy” for my two girls. This was in 2010. I hope you are able to try again. Right now I am happy and cuddling our new baby girl who is 5 weeks old. I know my heart can’t take another “misstep” but I personally needed to “end” on a happy note. Some moments will come back and knock you over from time to time, but I promise you will breathe again.
Beth, my story mirrors yours somewhat. One miscarriage (at 14-15 weeks), then two beautiful girls, then a surprise pregnancy ending in miscarriage, then ending on a happy note with our third beautiful daughter. So I know what you mean about ending on a happy note, although I’m sure that’s not always possible.
I’m so sorry for your loss, thank you for sharing. Your story made me cry because it reminded me of when that happened to me. I cant believe 8 yrs later it still hurts.
Debi,
Love and hugs to you for sharing this here. I know it wasn’t easy, but it will help SOOOO many others.
I haven’t had a miscarriage so I feel as if I can’t relate and I worry anything I say would be wrong.
I’m just sorry you had to go through this and I’m sorry I couldn’t be there as a friend, as someone who had had a similar experience.
Love & giant bear hugs,
erin
erin margolin recently posted..What’s on Your Nightstand?
Thank you for sharing this most intimate, painful time. I am fortunate enough to have never gone through this and am grateful for that every day when I look at my two healthy, growing kids. You have let others who have gone through this that they are not alone and that their pain and grief are shared by others. Also, you have given those of us who haven’t experienced this a glimpse of this hell and the ability to better understand and comfort. My thoughts are with you and your family and hope that you find healing
Kat recently posted..My two loves: internet and reading
I am so sorry for your loss.
Sandie recently posted..Quacken’ Up
I am so very sorry for your loss… love and prayers to you and your family.
Danielle Smith recently posted..A Delightful Family Resort: Azul Beach in Cancun
I am so very sorry for your loss. I have had 4 m/c’s, each one more devastating than the last. Two were very similar situations to the one you describe – alone in the ulatrasound room b/c nothing was supposed to be wrong. I feel like the m/c’s robbed me of a blissful pregnancy experience, b/c I was never able to stop worrying. Well I now have 3 beautiful children … I wish I hadn’t gone through the m/c’s but I know I wouldn’t have THESE children if I hand’t. That helps to give me some perspective about the experiences. Or at least protects me from the pain and grief I would otherwise have to face. I believe I will know my angels one day, but for now, I know they are held in the arms of loved ones who passed on.
I’m sorry…I know that doesn’t help but I have been there myself. I know how hard it is to look at other women who are pregnant. I know how betrayed you feel by your body. I know what it is like to wonder about that baby. I know what it feels like to have that heartbreak. You are not alone and I am praying for you.
I’m so sorry to read this, but could have written the identical post almost six years ago. Knowing that you’re not alone makes it only so much better – it just all around sucks. Wishing you all the best as you heal.
Cheryl recently posted..A "Birth" Announcement Of Sorts
I m so very sorry… I remember you going through this. i feel your pain, and you’re right – you are forever changed. Thank you for pouring your heart out to us. We love you.
Jenni Chiu recently posted..Stop judging me as a mother, Me.
I’ll share my site, that is no longer in use but it was what I blogged about during my experience after my miscarriage.
http://miscarriedlife.blogspot.com/search?updated-min=2010-01-01T00:00:00-08:00&updated-max=2011-01-01T00:00:00-08:00&max-results=15
http://www.miscarriedlife.blogspot.com
Sending you love… I am so sorry for your loss.
tracey recently posted..When a Tree Falls in the Forest…
I had one the first time i got pregnant at 33. I was so shocked I didn’t even know HOW to react. The Dr at the time was very nonchalant–oh, it’s just a blighted ovum-this happens all the time-like it was another day in my world with a paper cut. I truly understand your pain. It goes away-but every August (the due date) I think of what could have been and I go on.
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I’m so sorry for your loss. Your post was touching and I’m not ashamed to say I cried. I had a miscarriage very similar to your own experience a little over a year ago – our first (and I suppose only) baby. I’m so sorry for what you are going through and that anyone should ever have to go through it. I couldn’t agree more with what you said about it changing you. I’m still not myself and I worry if I will ever be who I was again. I’ll be sending prayers your way.
I’m so very sorry. Reading this made me cry and my gut clenched. It was and still is my continual fear. I don’t think i would have enough strength or courage to be able to continue.
Im so sorry sweetie. :(
I lost my son at three months old to heart defects and I’m terrified of getting pregnant again. Thank you for sharing and I’m sending gentle hugs and love.
Ruth recently posted..A midnight trip to the ER
I am so sorry. thank you for sharing this here.
wendy @ mama one to three recently posted..Song, Spanish, and Milestones at New York Kids Club–and a Giveaway!
I’m so sorry for your loss but thank you for sharing. I had two miscarriages before I gave birth to my first child and each one had it’s own degree of pain and mourning. I still think of those angels…even though I relish in the joy my other two children bring me.
Erin Lane recently posted..Back to School with VlogMom
I want to thank you for sharing your story. You are brave and generous, and most of all, worthy.
I have three beautiful children, and have experienced two heart-breaking miscarriages. With the first, I was about 14-15 weeks pregnant, which is past the “normal” time for miscarriages (typically they occur in the first trimester) so of course we had told everybody about the baby. The miscarriage came out of nowhere. And then having to listen over and over to people say things like “it happened for a reason” was not helpful. I felt like an utter failure. There was a woman I worked with who was the epitome of motherhood, she had 3 beautiful children. So I avoided her, because to me she was the symbol of what I had failed at. Then she “cornered” me one day . . . and told be about her miscarriage. That was when the healing began. Two years later we had a beautiful baby girl. She was followed by another beautiful baby girl. And 8 years after that, surprise, we were pregnant again! Total surprise — we weren’t at all planning on having more children. And when I finally started getting past the shock — bam! a miscarriage. Went through the same thing with the ultrasound. Amazing how devastated I felt. But not my husband . . . he couldn’t hide his relief. That was a difficult time. Especially since it made me realize I would like one more child and my husband did not. We worked through it and welcomed our third daughter.
Thank you for sharing. I’ve lost 3 babies. Each one changed me. God bless you.
Wow, this really punched me in the belly. I’m so sorry for your loss – and the same goes for the commenters who have also gone through this. I’ve never suffered a miscarriage, and I think I was one of the guilty ones who didn’t understand the depth of the loss – how it feels the same as losing a living child. Thank you for being so brave and eloquent with your words, and allowing me to see.
Kristen Mae recently posted..Cabinet Slammers and Screamers
I know your pain all too well. I have 5 kids (23 weeks with #6!!), and even though they fill my life, my world, my existence, not a day goes by that I don’t think of the 1 lost to fetal demise @ 20 weeks or the 4 lost before 12 weeks. It never goes away, just like any other death, it just gets easier to deal with. You are not alone. So many of us have been through this, but it’s something we all struggle to speak of or bring up. You will move forward, and be able to carry on, but that precious life will remain a part of you forever. Talk about when you need to, and you will need to. It is also nice to have people on your life who will remember that baby, too. Much love to you…
sorry for your loss :( I have never gone through a miscarriage but did have my first daughter pass away a few days shy of being 13 months old. that was in 1984 and to this day we still question why.. she was a healthy child woke up sick 1 day and gone in a matter of hours, dying in her crib at home after returning from the Dr’s office. I know I will see my little redheaded angel again one day.
Oh dear…I’m so very, truly sorry. Gentle hugs.
Oh, Debbie: I can’t even imagine. Sending you hugs. So very sorry.
Alexandra recently posted..Back To School Blues
I’ve been there – 3 times. Each one left an emptiness that will never be filled. Thanks for this honest post.
Guerrilla Mom recently posted..My Magical Vagina Votes Pro-Choice.
My heart is absolutely broken for you.
Your story is so beautifully written, but so incredibly sad. I think it is so brave of you to write about something that so devastating, so personal. I also think that it is important for us to share these stories with each other in hopes that they will comfort other families who are going through the tragedy of losing a baby.
I wish you peace and love and light.
Dawn
Dawn Beronilla recently posted..The Other Man
I’m sorry for your loss. You’re right – nothing is the same after this happens.
Your story is similar to mine, except I received a phone call at work from my doctor regarding the u/s I’d gotten the night before. I’ll never forget making that phone call to my husband, asking him to pick me up. Having to tell him why.
Mrs. Jen B recently posted..When I’m 33
I am truly sorry for your loss. And it is just that, a loss. No one understands unless they’ve gone thru a miscarriage themselves. Not my Mother, Sister, Husband or best friend. Just you and the others who’ve lost. After having two healthy pregnancies and two normal deliveries I lost my third baby at 20 weeks. Everything seemed normal, a little more morning sickness than the last two but nothing out of the ordinary. I had even started to feel movements from her. Yes my baby was a girl, no I didn’t want to see her after everything was said and done. I didn’t want to remember her like that, I already had a picture of her in my head and that was good enough for me. She’d be 13 today and there’s not a day that goes by that I don’t wonder what she’d be like had she been born. Two years later our son was born, a beautiful boy who will turn 11 next month. We are blessed but I still mourn our daughter. Just know you are not alone and even tho I don’t know you I care about you.
This post hit me hard. My first pregnancy ended in miscarriage and it was devastating. My family was frustrated that I didn’t bounce back emotionally like they thought I should have. But I carry that grief with me, because like you said it changed me. It changed how I viewed pregnancy, how I viewed motherhood, and it changed how I saw myself. Thank you so much for this post.
Jes recently posted..What should we teach our kids about following rules?
So sorry, my heart goes out to you.
I am so very sorry for your loss and the pain you and your family are facing.
Beautiful account of something I know was devastating for you. Lots of love.
Robin | Farewell Stranger recently posted..Five random things that make me smile
I am touched by your story, naturally, and wish you and your family all the best.
But I also have to give a shout out to all you wonderful ladies/readers, who show such support and love and encouragement.
You guys are freaking awesome.
XOXO,
Cinda
Cindafuckingrella recently posted..Q & A: Awesome Women with Awesome Jobs: The Pastor
I am so very sorry for your loss. I have “been there” before 3 times (losing 5 babies over the course of the three miscarriages) and I can tell you that although the pain never goes away 100%, it does get easier. It is so hard “now” to pick up the pieces and put yourself back together but with the love and support of your family and friends (including all of us Scary Mommies) I promise time will heal you and you will be ok. Hugs to you and much love xoxoxox
I’m so very sorry for your loss. I’m glad that the health professionals that dealt with you were so understanding and helpful, it’s not always so (as in my case.).
My first miscarriage was 20yrs ago when I was only eighteen. You never forget, but it *does* get easier.
Much love xxx
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As painful as this story must have been to share, you have given a voice to all those women who have experienced the emotional trauma of miscarriage. I think you are very courageous.
Wishing you strength, peace and comfort in what must be an unbelievably difficult time for you and your family.
Kathleen recently posted..The Long Way Home
That happened to me as well. It pissed me off that the OB people called it a “missed abortion”. To me, it was a death that I had somehow caused- why did my baby’s heart stop beating, was it that diet soda I had or something I ate? I was 19 weeks along.
I still think about the baby I lost, even after going on to have 4 healthy pregnancies (The first one after that was twins..God’s little way of making peace?). You never get over it entirely, but it sure does help you appreciate the pregnancies to follow (and yes, there will be one). And, it helps you to have empathy for your sisters when they have to go down that horrible road…so sorry it happened to you, and I hope you and your husband can lean on each other to help you cope with the loss. XOXOXOX
At my 10-week ultrasound we discovered that I *had been* carrying twins. One had died. I wanted twins so badly (which only proves that I’m certifiable). I love our son so much and he is so amazing that I feel ungrateful when I mourn his sibling. I haven’t thought about it in months but the pain is still there. And when my ob/gyn said that it’s pretty common for a woman to start with multiples and end up with one… I know she was trying to help but it just made me feel worse.
D, you know I know some of what you’re feeling…everyone deals with it differently, but just thought you’d like to know I get it. I hate that we know what “it” is – but I’m there for ya.
MommaKiss recently posted..Shit my Seven year old Says
Its like you were narrating my exact experience 11/30/11. Down to every last detail. I am so so sorry and unfortunately I know your pain all too well. Peace and love to you and your family.
Christina recently posted..Things that surprised me about motherhood
I am so sorry for your loss and I wanted to thank you for sharing this painful time with such honesty.
Nancy recently posted..At Joe’s American Bar & Grill – It’s Still Summer!
I’m so sorry. Thank you for sharing. I recently learned about a charity called Molly Bears that may bring some comfort to those who have an angel baby: mollybears.com
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As I sat at work earlier reading this post, the memories of my very similar situation, 4 years ago, creeped into my throat and started to burn like it was yesterday. 13 weeks and I too KNEW nothing was wrong, that the spotting was normal and I’d be in and out in no time. Until I found myself in a heap of emptiness on the floor of the hospital waiting room with a stranger asking me if I were going to be ok. I’m so incredibly sorry you had to also endure this massive, gut-wrenching, unimaginable pain. I sure wish I could hug you….
I am another one who lost a child in utero. The 1st one was at 16 weeks and the 2nd was stillborn at 33 weeks. One was in 1970 and Jennifer was born in 1972. Don’t let anyone ever tell you that “you should be getting over it by now”; because I don’t think you ever do. You can put it to the back of your mind for a while but eventually the memory comes back to haunt you again(and again and again, etc.)
I am so sorry for your loss. i have never been through this kind of loss which I am very greatful for, however i have a sister that got pregnant and she carried the baby full term.
A few days before her do date she was not feeling any movement. When in to the doctor and they could not find the heart beat. What had happen is the cord was not long enough and when the little guys dropped down it strangled him.
Thank heaven for ultra sound these days. They would have known there was going to be a problem and stopped this little life from being taken.
You take care and thankyou for sharing
Blessings to yo,
debbie
I am so sorry for your loss. Our first pregnancy ended in miscarriage, six years ago. I can still instantly recall the bone crushing, soul shaking aloneness as I stood in the living room sobbing, unable to call anyone to be with me.
I am sorry to hear about this sad news…it is okay to grieve about it, you have the right to feel whatever mixed emotions you have right now. Just believe that God has plans for all of us, unfortunate things may happen but we need to trust that He has something better in store for us in the end. I agree that things like losing a child can indeed change a woman forever, because it can make us stronger and better persons. I pray for your inner peace and more blessings to come.
I’m so sorry for your loss. As I read your story I felt every moment of it, like reading my own. we had our 14th (18 babies) miscarriage 4 weeks ago. My husband does not want to continue trying. I’m still coming to terms with it. I had wanted to be a mother since I was 4 years old.
I don’t even mention being pregnant to anyone, not even my best friend or sisters. eventually you change so much, you are different. eventually I may stop crying.
=C
I’m so sorry for your loss. I will send prayers for your family.
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I’m very sorry to hear of your terrible loss. I too lost a baby, I was 6 weeks pregnant, I was 21 and it was my first pregnancy. We had tried to conceive for about a year. I remember it as clear as day, it was 3 years ago and is easily the most devastating and traumatic thing I’ve gone through. I think about my lost child every day. I have a happy, healthy 2 year old son now and I’m so grateful to have him but I still look at family photos and feel my other baby should be there. I look at my son and wonder if my other baby would look and act just like him. Even now, writing this I’m trying so hard to fight back the tears.
My immediate family and my partner’s immediate family knew I was pregnant when I miscarried. I asked him to tell them to not talk to me about it. I didn’t want to be consoled. I didn’t want to hear how sorry everyone was for my loss because I didn’t want there to be a loss. I wanted so badly for it to be some terrible dream. To this day I’ve never spoken about it with my in laws.
For weeks after I wept, I screamed and I was completely broken. I would lay in my bed and stare blankly, trying to work out how this could happen.
I felt so angry and hurt and betrayed. I felt stupid for wanting something so badly, for loving something so deeply, for being so excited, for relishing all the fantastic memories yet to come. I felt like I should’ve known.
Even though my partner has been fantastic throughout and also truly mourned the loss. I still struggle to talk with him about the miscarriage. Every now and then it will come up and I have to stop talking and retreat in to my mind. The pain is too much to bear and I’m afraid if I open the floodgates the pain will completely engulf me.
You said it so well. It brought back some unhappy memories for me. It is hard to go on, but you do. You manage.
I hope you find peace in the days to come (and years).
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My first two pregnancies ended in miscarriages. I have a wonderful little boy now, but I still think of those lost children often. You’re exactly right–miscarriages do change you. They can change your relationships, too. Sorry that you’ve had to go through this.
Deb, this is so painful, and I know writing about it helps you, and helps us.
By listening to you, and holding you in our hearts, we feel like we can do SOMETHNG for you. It’s so hard to know what to do when you can feel someone is in pain.
I’m so sorry. I know you’ll never be the same. Always wistful for your baby, but, we’re here.
We love you so much, and we’re glad you’re here…to share your burden with us.
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Oh Deborah,
I am so sorry that this happened to you. I can’t even imagine what it must have been like other than reading it through your words. I had a miscarriage once but I was not as far along as you. Different. It’s unfortunate that you had to go through such a thing and end up feeling such a loss. My heart goes out to you. *HUGS*
It’s been two months since I lost my first, my precious baby Shiloh. I’ve not read a better description of the silent screams that my heart has made since that day.
I ache for your pain. But thank you for these words. They are healing.
-Hannah
I’m so sorry. I’ve been through this exact same scenario twice in the last year and I concur, it does change you. I went from fertile mommy wanting to add one more to the nest to some sort of failure at 42 that will need some sort of Special Black Ops from conception through delivery. And I hear you on the sick feeling you get when the U/S tech can’t quite answer. Mine didn’t turn white but said it very matter of factly, like it was no big deal. I would have preferred a reaction.
This is heartbreaking. I have a few very close girlfriends who have had miscarriages, and I plan to send them ths, since your words echo what I have heard from them. I am just so sorry for your loss. :(
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Oh, I’m so sorry. I wish I could give you a real hug, but a cyber one will have to do. (((hugs)))
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I am so very sorry for your loss. I cannot imagine the pain, agony, shock, heartbreak that you live with. Thank you for sharing your story.
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I am so sorry about your loss..
Debi, thank you for writing this. Each word reminds me of my miscarriage that I had a year ago in August. It’s something that is not planned and no one ever teaches you how to get through it. No matter how much time passes, it will stay with you. It is something that changes you for life. What helps the most is to have a community of people who understand and who have been through the loss.
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It is such a hard thing to go through. My story is similar. We were past the “safe” 3-month mark and had just told parents and siblings. After the initial shock and short grief, procedural things seemed to take over; scheduling the D&C, making arrangements to be away from work. Thankfully, my husband took on the difficult task of telling family. I went onto auto-pilot. We were lucky, I told myself, to have one beautiful child, and I was healthy and there was no reason we could not conceive and have another baby. It was fully a year later when the sense of loss really came over me.
Had that baby made it, my family and life would be different. I have not gotten over it. And I don’t think I want to. Loss, whether mild or heartbreaking, should make us appreciate what we have all the more.
I had a miscarriage at 7 weeks. That was almost 5 years ago. I did have a beautiful little boy 3 years ago but I also feel the loss still. I wonder what my little one would have looked like. People kept telling me that it was for the best but how did they know? I love my little guy but I also love the little one that I never got to fully know.
This is how I feel and why do people think its ok to say it was for the best? What the fuck do they know? I hate that explanation.
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I’m not sur how I got to this page, I’m not good on the computer…I am very sorry for your loss and the loss for the other Mothers…All of you have let me know I can be honest with my feelings after thirty-two years of nodding my head politely, saying ahha to my family and friends. I have two beautiful daughters, 37 and 32. The thirty-two year
Old is a twin, both babies were having troubles in utro. At 7 and half months My doctor said one of the babies is dying only expect one. I stopped going out in public, people ment well with their words…”Ahhhh you must be having twins” Ahhhh you will have that baby today…I smiled politely saying things such as” Ohhhh will see and oh you may be right…All the while knowing one baby was dying inside, and the other baby the Drs weren’t sure of the damage…I couldn’t smile to strangers anymore, I stayed home. The twins were delivered by C-Section a month and half early, one baby rushed to Children’s Orthapedic hospital in Seattle and the other baby passed after a few minutes…I left the hospital early, Broken hearted, asking myself “What did I do wrong, was this my fault, maybe if I had eaten more veggies and fruits, maybe if I was taller and bigger, maybe I should have stopped exercising much earlier…My Mother-in-law picked me up from the hospital to take me straight to the children’s hospital to see my little baby girl, while there a counselor mentioned to me there is a counseling group with other Moms who have lost a child, my Mother-in-law chimed in ” she doesn’t need a group, Dorothy is just happy the other baby will live” talk about stupid, arrogant, busy body…I needed to talk with other mothers, but at my young age I didn’t cross my Mother, Mother in Law or others…I was told, I was lucky, I should be really happy, it’s a mirical, It was ment to be, the first question I get is how old was the twin when she died?, when I answer ten Minutes old…I get an Oh and a look that then that doesn’t really count as a real child to me, the person seems much relieved for the self and me…as I read these wonderful and wise comments from the woman above, I say thank you, Thank you, I still feel the loss, when I see a woman or man walking a Double stroller, My heart and stomach do a little skip and hop…I’m sorry if I went on and on…Iwas guided to this sight by the angels…So I could say again, thank you to all the strong, brave woman for sharing feelings…
I’m so sorry…and I feel for you. Almost the same thing happened to me the Thursday before Mother’s Day last year when I was right around 10 weeks. Only my husband was with me and at first I went into shock which was replaced by overwhelming grief. You’re absolutely right. It changes you. I’m pregnant with our rainbow baby right now and I’ve been scared to trust that this is actually going to happen. I’m just now getting to the point that I allow myself to look forward to May when my daughter is due to arrive. *hugs*