Religion is always something that I have struggled with. I went to a Jewish day school until eighth grade, but once I was Bat Mitzvahed, I pretty much abandoned the whole thing. While I love the customs of Judaism, the religion aspect has just never really clicked with me. I think I’m just too cynical.
Despite both being Jewish, Jeff and I were married by a Justice of the Peace. We I felt strongly that since religion played no part in our life, it would be hypocritical to have the vows spoken by a rabbi. We I wanted our wedding to be all about our looooooove, and Judaism just didn’t play a part at the time. Our families were not on board with this decision. Not that it mattered.
But kids have a way of changing things, don’t they? I want them to understand their roots and be able to choose for themselves what to believe in. We began looking at new schools in the midst of the Great Nanny Incident of 2010. The experience made me fiercely defensive of my religion, and we voted to send the kids to a Jewish day school just like the one I grew up in. While I love the familiarity and coziness of it, it’s raising issues that I’m not sure how to handle.
Last week, Ben asked me if God made the sun. I told him that if that’s what he believed then, yes. As any four year old would, he followed it up asking me what I believe. I told him that I wasn’t exactly sure, but that I believe in love and that nothing makes me happier than my children. (Try to suppress the gagging, please.)
A few days later, we were sitting at the dinner table. The boys were (miraculously) eating chicken and broccoli while Lily sat poking her food. I informed her that if she did not eat her dinner, she would not get dessert and pointed out how well the boys were eating.
“Mommy, I believe that God makes all of us different and that’s ok. Ben and Evan can like chicken but I don’t have to. That’s what God wanted and that’s what I believe. You don’t even know what you believe.”
And, I don’t, other than that she should stop being so fresh and eat her damn dinner. I don’t know how to answer their questions on religion and God and existence. Worst of all, there are no right answers. And, I’m having a really tough time with it.
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Points to you for being honest. Telling your kids that you don’t have all the answers is a tough one but it’s definitely the way to go. My parents were not the same religion and neither believed God. They sent me to Jewish summer camp (same one as Jeff) and Christian Sunday school during the yr. They said that while they had no idea I was welcome to try and figure it out myself.
I have always been thankful for that education. I’m sure your kids will be as well.
Really love this post, Jill. This is such a hard one, isn’t it? It’s amazing how the little children FORCE us to think about and evaluate things that we were happy enough not thinking about before.
.-= sevenclowncircus´s last blog ..“Wednesday’s With Ken” – Guest Post =-.
I wrote a blog post on my indecision about my kids being christian and me being atheist. If you get bored. http://peggysuesblog.blogspot.com/2010/05/christian-or-athiest-random-thoughts.html
But as a P.S to that. I like how you handled the questions from your kids. I have tried to do that with mine but they aren’t going for vague non-answers anymore about what I believe.
.-= Peggy Brister´s last blog ..Breaking News Fuggers! Hear ye Hear ye Read all about it! =-.
Faith has always been a huge struggle for me. I went to a Christian College and often was reprimanded by my peers by not showing that I was “living for Christ” enough. When I got so frustrated that I stopped trying, I was abandoned. Not very “Christlike” of them, I don’t think. I believe in Evolution, but I believe God had a hand in how it all played out.
But you know, we can’t know for sure who is right or wrong. I think it’s impotant to live our lives the best we can, to enjoy every second of it, to love hard. Because if there is some higher power, I think s/he would want us to enjoy the life we’ve been given and love those around us.
.-= Sam_I_Am´s last blog ..I hardly talk about it, but I felt the need to write it =-.
I’m not sure where I stand when it comes to religion. I like the answers you gave your kids. That is how I try to explain it to my kids as well. It’s funny how our kids can really make us think about who we are and what we believe.
You hit the nail on the head when you said that kids can change our religous views. I too struggle with Religion. I am catholic but I struggled with making the decision to get my boys baptised. In the end I did and I haul my butt of to church to make sure I am setting a good example, but man alive some days those sermons anger me. My religous views…Kindness.
.-= Jen´s last blog ..Valley View Farm =-.
Ouch, the religion question. Though one, congrats are in order for handeling it so well. Like you we married in a civil ceremony, since hubs and I are not really religious. But our daughter was baptized and so will her sister. They are doomed to be raised as catholics, since well, the best school far and wide is right around the corner and it is a -drumroll- convent school. Where nuns still teach. So I guess I better dust my bible and look up the words to the Hail Mary. I am not even sure I still have a bible…
It’s amazing how these things become more complicated with kids. I’ve figured out how I feel about religion (I was mandated to church until I was 19 – organized religion & I don’t really get along). How I feel about God & my spirituality is different than how I feel about religion. 2 different things IMO…but explaining that kids is a little more complicated.
We recently got custody of my 5-year-old stepdaughter who has been taken to church (her mother has “found God – again – after screwing up her life again…we won’t go there….) & is now spouting to my 4-year-old son that Jesus is in the sky & he died on the cross for our sins, etc. etc. My son hasn’t really been exposed to any of this & it’s hard for me to hold my tongue when she starts telling him this stuff…that isn’t how I wanted to start the spirituality conversation with him.
It’s tough knowing how to deal with my own feelings & not “tainting” them with my biases from my childhood. Some questions are just tough to answer. I mean, what do I say to “Mommy, is Jesus in the sky?” :p
I married a Catholic and occasionally go to church. But I know the sh*@t’s going to hit the fan when he starts going to Catholic school. Do I tell him I’m not a believer but Daddy is???
.-= harrietglynn´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday =-.
Ouch. That was a tough one from your daughter. I am in a similar boat. My husband and I are open to the idea that there may more beyond this life, but don’t participate in any organized religion. As a result, my mother was not happy when we didn’t have our son christened.
Like yourself, I recently fielded a weighty question from my 4 yo about why people die. Thankfully we had just come back from Disney so I leaned heavily on the whole circle of life thing. Btw, I think your response to your boys was wonderful. No gagging and no kidding. We all do the best we can.
It can be a tough issue to navigate. My children attend a Jewish Day school. They went to a Jewish preschool as well and have really been immersed in Judaism from day one.
Last year my daughter asked me what “Christmas people do on Shabbat.” It made her mother a bit crazy. She is Jewish and has sort of a similar perspective to the description of your beliefs.
Me, I believe, but just haven’t figured out exactly where that places me- somewhere between Conservative Judaism and Modern Orthodox I guess. I should add that I serve as the admin for the Jblogosphere’s weekly blog carnival.
Anyway, what I want for my children is for them to have the background and understanding of why we do what we do. They’re kids. If we pull them out of the day school (strictly a financial consideration) I am not giving them a choice about whether they go to Hebrew school. They go.
But the goal here is to not just give them a Jewish identity but to provide them with the background, tools and education to make their decision about what they believe.
When they ask me about G-d I often respond with a question asking them what they think. My son wants to know if I feel differently in Israel than I do in the US. He wants to know if we are going to see my grandma in heaven- I get these questions all the time.
They aren’t always easy to answer but I think that’s ok. It is good to teach them to think. Anyway, my apologies for the sort of rambling answer.
.-= Jack´s last blog ..The Race for My Heart =-.
Damn. Smart chick. I hope you didn’t make her eat the chicken and broccoli after that!
.-= tracey´s last blog ..A Bitchy rant that is in NO WAY influenced by my monthly cycle. Swear to God. =-.
I know. She refused. But, she did not get dessert. Even if God would have wanted her to.
I wouldn’t worry about it. I am pretty sure God also wants you to mind your Mother. I hear that’s a pretty important rule.
.-= Darby´s last blog ..My List of Demands =-.
Priceless come back to Lily (she is a quick one)! Brave of you to even jump in on this one. I’m not even going to touch this one but the kids do have a way of making you examine your thoughts, don’t they? “Um kids, Mommy doesn’t have the Universe figured out, Mmm-K”.
.-= angryworkingmom´s last blog ..Chain letters…10 things that make me Happy =-.
Whoa – Lily’s quite clever. And I think you’re doing a great job, remaining truthful about how you feel/think and not going the easy route of giving simple answers.
What I think is hypocritical, is that you state that you are “fiercely defensive of your religion,” yet you won’t stand up and be counted for when it comes to believing in it’s teachings.
Perhaps you should clarify that you are “defensive of your heritage” – but of course, doesn’t Jewish heritage go hand in hand with it’s religious teachings???
Perhaps you should clarify that you are “defensive of your heritage” – but of course, doesn’t Jewish heritage go hand in hand with it’s religious teachings???
Actually, for many modern secular Jews like Jill (and me), those two things don’t necessarily go hand in hand at all. In fact, because Judaism is both a culture and a religion, there’s a disconnect there.
Many of us identify very strongly with our Jewish heritage but not necessarily with its theology. How to transmit that to our children is a slippery slope, something we grapple with constantly. And it’s at the heart of what Jill’s writing about here.
.-= Jennifer´s last blog ..Paging Mr. Saluba? Henry Saluba? =-.
Exactly, Jennifer. Thank you. Judaism is about more than a literal belief in the Torah.
BTW, I didn’t mean to sound all presumptuous and claim to speak for you, Jill. I guess I sort of intuited that we were coming from a similar place on this one…
Ugh. My little one has been asking about God lately, and my husband and I are non believers.
Hard topic that I assume will just get harder.
oh lady love… i am terrified of this conversation to take place between jackson and i one day.
you are more brave than i, and you are awesome to give your kids the freedom to explore and figure out things for themselves. not all parents can say that.
Kudos to you! I don’t think you’re a hypocrite. It takes a real parent to say “I’m not sure.” I think it shows your kids that you’re honest and also that parents don’t necessarily have all the answers. I was raised in a Christian home and my Dad became a preacher when I was younger but I’ve struggled a lot in my adult life trying to figure out what I do and don’t believe in – I should really blog about it some more one of these days. I do consider myself a Christian, though. Maybe this is a chance for you to explore religion with your kids, to see what they are being taught or what they believe and how that measures up with how you feel.
.-= Shay @ Wonderfully Chaotic´s last blog ..Thursday Thunks: ABC’s =-.
I know exactly what you mean (from experience) when you say you’re “fiercely defensive of” Judaism, whether you use the word “religion” or “heritage”. I was raised a Reform Jew, never became a Bat Mitzvah, and really had nothing (of substance) to do with temple or active Judaism from 8th grade until the year my older son was three years old. (I even had a Christmas tree in my house after my husband and I married, for about six years)
Then, when my son was three, we put him in our Jewish preschool and I got involved with young families there. I became a religious school teacher the same year our older son started kindergarten. My husband ended up converting a couple of years later.
The entire time I had nothing to do with Judaism, I never considered myself “not Jewish”, and I never would have practiced another religion. I have MANY regrets about having a Christmas tree because we had one “just to have one”; we didn’t celebrate any of the Christian aspects of the holiday. MANY REGRETS.
As my kids have grown up (and both went through their Bar Mitzvah: yay!), we speak honestly about what we believe and don’t believe, and the intensity with which we observe changes here and there, but that’s just how it is. I applaud you and your husband for making the decision to raise your children with some religion. I think you’re all going to have some great conversations. :)
.-= Melisa´s last blog ..Sometimes Great Advice Can Be Found in the Most Unexpected Places… =-.
You know, it wasn’t really until my kid was treated that way that I felt defensive. It’s a whole new ballgame when your kid is stereotyped. Thanks for sharing your experience– it gives me hope!
Isn’t religion fun? I just love how it brings out the best in people! Fortunately, I think my family has realized that we aren’t exactly religious (perhaps us getting married in the Holiday Inn clued them in??) but I do struggle with the idea of not taking the Little Man to church. I think the patchwork religious exposure I had as a kid did help ground me in some morals…but I don’t like the idea of pigeon-holing him. Then again, there’s that small part of me left over from a year in Catholic school whispering
.-= Domesticated Gal´s last blog ..All Hail The Outsiders! =-.
I think your answers are bang on. You’re honest and open, that is what children need from their parents. You don’t have all the answers and that’s perfectly acceptable, no one does. The article title is “Something to Believe in” I think you already have something to believe in. You can believe in yourself as a parent, your love for your children and you desire to be the best possible parent you can.
P.S. Your daughter is a crafty little one – I like her style :) Most likely a lot like her mom.
.-= toywithme´s last blog ..A Tattoo On Your Penis? WTF? =-.
Oh, yes. She is quite crafty. Dangerously so. :)
What a great, honest post. We’re going to run into similar issues in our family in a few years, and I have NO idea how we’re going to handle them either. Whatever you end up deciding, and telling them, they’re going to turn out fine. You guys are AWESOME parents, and care about them – and that is what really matters Jill!
.-= christy´s last blog ..I wish I could eat cake, but since I can’t, I guess I’ll let them! =-.
I wish that I had some advice for you or say something thoughtful that you could take away. But the truth is that I don’t. I have not really ever struggles with my faith and what I believe.
Who knows, maybe my struggle is yet to come?
.-= Jen´s last blog ..Kids Make the Darndest Things: Spring Art =-.
It’s not hypocritical to be unsure. I completely understand her point of view on this. At least she’s not trying to be holier than everyone like some people. She’s admitting to being human. I get defensive when people use incorrect facts on the Catholic faith even though I’m not a dovout Catholic.
.-= Maria´s last blog .. =-.
What a thought provoking post.
I believe in Jesus. I remember learning about Him when I was very young. As I have grown older (and not really wiser) I am so glad that I have this profound faith to believe in. I just don’t know how I could cope otherwise. I can’t believe Lily said that… she is too funny!
Hope you have the happiest of weekends!
.-= Life with Kaishon´s last blog ..b-b-b-basketball =-.
P.S. Did the nanny ever figure out anything was amiss after that incident? I don’t remember you writing about it. I hope she changes someday.
.-= Life with Kaishon´s last blog ..b-b-b-basketball =-.
This was the follow up post: http://www.scarymommy.com/ignorance-bigotry-the-nanny-part-ii/
Basically, I decided to use it as a learning experience (for us all) and stick with her. Yay for me, right? BUT, then she forgot Lily at the bus stop twice and I caught her feeding Evan M&Ms for breakfast. So, she got the boot. But, not because she was a bigot. So much for lessons.
I think it’s great that you’re being so honest with your kids! I went to Catholic school when I was little and while I’m not a practicing Catholic anymore, I still greatly appreciate the history and traditions of my religion – and I’m so glad I know about all of them. Jewish history is fascinating and amazing, and whether or not you believe in the religious aspects of it, it’s still great to know and understand as a cultural experience. Because when you get right down to it – that’s what so much of organized religion is about – the culture and the people you share it with.
.-= Anne´s last blog ..The Happy List =-.
I’ve written about this before, but I’ll say it here too :-) I’m pretty much against religion. I joke with Peter that I wished his family was Buddhist like a proper Asian family should be (HA) instead of Catholic. I could get behind some meditation rather than prayer.
Peter still considers himself Catholic, though he’s not practicing. It’s been a source of major stress between him and his parents (and me and his parents!). Yeah, they like to invite us to prayer groups and church events. OMG the fact that I will not get married by a priest is a huge deal to them. (his dad also teaches CCD, opps)
I really hope Alexa chooses not to be religious, but that’s not my decision. While I won’t baptize her now…I’ve told Peter that if she asks to go, he’s free to bring her to church. Though, I have looked into a lot of Buddhist places for all of us. Seems like a happier medium :-)
.-= Amber´s last blog ..Mind Your Business =-.
Is it ok that I laughed out loud at Lily’s response? (Kudos to you for not dumping the dinner in her lap!) I think you are sending the perfect message…and being honest is the complete opposite of being hypocritical. Nobody has all the answers. And beliefs aren’t something you just decide in one day–they evolve and change over time.
.-= Liz @ Peace, Love & Guacamole´s last blog ..Life in RAW format =-.
It’s amazing what little kids pick up, attune to their lives, and then pour out when you least expect it. My family goes to church, we are Christian, and teach our kids about God. I have nothing against those that don’t – God gave us all free will. Your daughter sounds like a real pistol and I’m sure (regardless of the “Godness” of it), you love her for it.
~Miranda
.-= Miranda @ Faith in God & Coffee´s last blog ..Peanut Butter & Toilet Paper =-.
I don’t think it makes you a hypocrite to be defensive and yet still question your chosen religion. I think those of us that question things are a little wiser for not just blindly following what is told to us.
I struggle with what I believe in and what I don’t and I certainly don’t look forward to the day when my kids start asking questions.
I think you are handling that questions the best way possible.
.-= Jen´s last blog ..Chase – Month 11 (and a half or more…whatever) =-.
i was born and raised a catholic. i was sent to a catholic school during my formative years. i dont consider myself religious but i do adhere to my faith most times.
do i believe in God? yes. i also believe that there is a greater power than us all, something that unites us. i will try to raise my son believing this, so he can learn to respect other people’s faith.
the way you answered your kids is good. i think more than anything, they need to see honesty in their parents :)
.-= cheri´s last blog ..have you heard? =-.
Wow. That really is a lot to think about. Kids really so ask some tough questions and force us to evaluate our own lives and beliefs, don’t they?
.-= Lolli´s last blog ..Cheese, Chocolate, and Girlfriends – GMYBS =-.
That is really tough. I grew up Presbyterian. My mom became a Presbyterian minister when I was in the 5th grade. I am agnostic (which my mom has a really hard time with). Hayden is only 3-years-old and has yet to ask me these sorts of questions. I want him to feel that he can believe in whatever he wants. But I don’t know what I believe in – and that doesn’t bother me. It just is.
But when it comes time to talking with Hayden about it, it’s definitely not going to be easy!
.-= Melissa´s last blog ..my first "guest blog" – i’m the best scoop of the week! =-.
Childern have a wonderful way of turning things around on there parents or even so called adults. I say so called because what happend to me one night while baby sitting a friends kids, who at the time ranged from 5-14.
Long story short the 14 year old told the 5 year old that she had to listen to me because I was an adult, to which the very cute 5 year old said, and I quote “Na-Uh, he is just a kid.” She then looked up at me and said do you have a mommy and a daddy. Puzzled for a moment I paused as I looked at her. Then simply said yes. Proud as can be she turned and looked at her older brother and said “See he is just a kid to, he has a mommy and a daddy”.
How can you argue with logic like that, I mean she was right.
Jill let your kids find there own way, our parents raised us as Jewish but as you know left the door wide open for us to explore. In this day and age I think its more important that kids are exposed to a wide range experiences, at a young age, rather then be closed off to them. If you want to raise them as Jews, go ahead, but remember to teach them about other religions and ideals. There is always Jewish Mysticism. :)
As for I don’t believe in anything. People are far to willing to die and kill for there beliefs. Me I just have a lot of good ideas, and an idea is something you can change easily .
Smiles
Jason (PapaBear)
Boy, she is fresh! My Sadie sounds EXACTLY like her. This is a tough one Jill. I think you handled it well.
.-= Rachel´s last blog ..Organic Veggies: To Buy or Not to Buy =-.
We are pretty lucky that we both have a pretty strong faith and the tenets of our beliefs are basically the same (David and I). When we had kids we just started teaching them what we believe. We don’t push church (we hardly ever go) and I really want my kids to make their own decisions. I don’t want it to be my choice, but theirs. That said, Baby Girl has a really strong faith. She is always begging to go to church and says her prayers all the time. She is always talking/asking about God. It makes me really happy to be her mom.
.-= Jennifer´s last blog ..Food Porn =-.
I worry so much about religion in my home and how to talk to my daughter about it. I was baptized, but wasn’t raised in a strongly religious household. I’m closer to being an agnostic than anything, without actually sticking a label on it I guess. My son was baptized Catholic (not my choice), but chose to convert to Baptist when he became an adult.
My daughter, on the other hand, has not been baptized yet. Her father & I decided that she should decide for herself about religion when she was old enough. But it’s hard when we live in Utah, and her father’s family can be very vocal about their faith (they are LDS). I try to be objective when I talk to her, explaining what different groups believe without making her think in absolutes. I often worry about whether I’m handling this the right way, though. Her father has accused me of being inferior because I don’t have any strong religious ties. And I worry that she will act out in some way because of my objectivity (at least I hope that’s what it is).
Luckily, she hasn’t asked what I believe. Yet.
.-= uthostage´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday – Can I do this too? =-.
I’m so right there with you,but that is part of developing your personal beliefs. I relied for far too long on a set of hand me down ideas about the cosmos. Now, I read, evaluate, and reframe my own ideas/beliefs.
As a recovering Catholic who’s eldest daughter is now going to a Catholic school – I feel your pain
My husband – who thinks religion is fairy tales for grownups, gags every time she recites what they’re teaching her. eg: he is renovating our house and she asked him if he’s grateful to God for giving us the block of land for our house
She’s there ONLY because it’s the better school in our area
I guess we’re just going to have to suck it up. HARD.
JT
x
.-= jenny talia´s last blog ..complaints department =-.
Great post Jill ! It is one of my bigest struggles with raising kids. I was raised catholic, 6 years of catholic school … but I got older and decided religion was not for me.Me and my hubby do not practice any religion …although we love to read on buddhism … I felt we would raise our kids with the understanding that there are so many different thoughts on the subject and teach them about all religions and respect. And hopefully one day they would grow up and make their own choice(or feel the way we do-of course…lol..kidding!) … but my son , who is 7 has been obsessed on the subject of God for the last year … he decided he wants to be catholic ….for the moment …that he believes in god , and asked if we could read books on him everynight.
He would ask how I felt and what religion I was, or what I beleived in ..and I always thought that when the time came it would be easier to just be honest and say”no , I don’t believe in god” .. but it was a hard conversation. I tried to soften the convo, (even tried I believe in love too! ha) …He got upset, because he wants to believe in heaven and he thinks that now when we die, I wont see him in heaven because I dont believe.
So hard … but I love that he is up for great conversations …he always asks great questions , and I am sure he will change religions 100 times but the time he is 18 !
Thanks for a thought provoking post!
.-= Stephanie´s last blog ..Happy Anniversary NINE Years! =-.
I think being honest with your kids is a great start. I once read an interview with Jodie Foster where she said that she teaches her kids about all religions and they celebrate all the holidays. . .while I think you’d have to be a movie star to buy gifts and feast pretty much through the calendar year, I really like the idea of encouraging kids to learn about all religions and eventually make their own conclusions.
.-= Jerseygirl´s last blog ..True Confession Tuesday =-.
I wonder: if this is a subject that comes up with EVERY family, isn’t there some merit to its significance in the development of children?
I don’t think non-believing parents (like my own) do their kids any favours by “giving them the choice” (like mine did) by having them baptized/christened/”bat mitzvahed”, or sending them to Sunday school, while living for themselves and their OWN desires at home without factoring in God. It’s pretty confusing for a kid when the Sunday school teacher says Jesus died for our sins and we need to repent and be saved, while mom and dad (a child’s ultimate authority and “shaper” of a kid’s outlook on life) give wishy-washy answers shrugging off all spiritual responsibility because of past hurts and grudges and overall selfishness. It just breeds more confusion and pain. Perhaps ours kids’ curiosity should pique our own and we should take the opportunity to explore faith with THEIR perspective: a clean slate, no biases, no baggage…just a spirit hungry for holiness.
Everybody believes SOMETHING. Decide what it is and stand up for it. We were given free will for a reason.
.-= Meghan´s last blog ..::weaned:: =-.
My 6yo is also asking lots of questions and I, like you, can’t quite pin down my thoughts. My husband and I were both raised Christian but our beliefs extend out and brush with many different faiths, so it’s a bit hard. When she first started asking questions it was because her older cousin (who was 8 at the time) had been giving her expert council on God (she’s an expert on a large number of subjects, it’s very useful. Or not.) So, like you, I’ve always emphasized that there are lots of things to believe in, but I do try to make sure I tell her what my thoughts are on the subject. I also tell her that as I learn new things about the world, I may change my mind and that’s OK, too. If you really don’t have an answer for what you believe in on a particular topic maybe you can start a conversation with them and discuss the options.
I hate it when our dinner time plays out like yours did the other night. My eldest (the same 6yo) has gone to bed without eating the bulk of her dinner before, it breaks my heart, but as I tell her, it’s not like I’ve made something new or weird, it’s something she would otherwise eat and everyone else is eating it. It’s one of my most difficult parenting moments.
.-= Cranky Sarah´s last blog ..What I’m wearing?: Anniversary Edition =-.
I have so much to say about this that I have finally decided that rather than hijack your post, I am just going to have to write my own. Short version: I am having very similar struggles with no clear sense of what the solution might be. I know it helps you not a whit, but you have my sympathy, even though I have no suggestions. (Maybe if I work through it in writing, I’ll have a better idea, but I”m not convinced.)
.-= MommyTime´s last blog ..I’m Not Afraid to Admit That… =-.
I get this one. I’m Catholic and I don’t agree with a lot of their teachings. We don’t go to church often but I’ve made sure my children are receiving all their sacraments. We talk about God, right and wrong and all the other stuff all the time. I figure when the time comes, I’ve prepared them if they wish to carry on as Catholics, and if not, I’m okay with that too. The thing is, it’s a lot harder to become a Catholic as an adult than it is as a child so I think I’m just giving them options. ::I think:: When they grow up they can make whatever choice they want and I will support it. I wish I’d had that much freedom.
I’m so glad you posted this. I feel that in about 4 years, we are going to have to deal with this too.
I am also a “lapsed” Jew. I LOVE the custom and beauty of the rituals, but I have faith problems. We did get married in a temple, but only because my husband is a push-over and didn’t care. We signed the ketubah, stepped on the glass and everything.
Then I had a kid born in Jerusalem. Yeah, that’s not going to mess him up.
But I am going to have a hard time explaining to my son why I want him to accept and embrace Judaism when even I can’t.
I do know that God punishes little girls that don’t eat their chicken and broccoli. He also punishes little girls who want to break Passover by eating mac-n’-cheese. At least that’s what my mom told me. :-)
.-= Travel Mommy´s last blog ..Getting Away For the Weekend, May 21 =-.
Yeah religion is/was always a stumbling block for my kids, I exposed them to all the different kinds I could and included science. Now the grown up ones, have formed their own opinions and I have to remind them to let the little one form his own. Know and respect the options, then form your own decisions. Maybe not for everyone, tuff call…
“Other than that she should stop being so fresh and eat her damn dinner.” <—Made me smile! Yes, these are hard questions to answer. Especially when the little ones are so frank about everything!
.-= JenniferG´s last blog ..Investment In Family: A Faith Filled Reminder =-.
Jill, wow it hits home again as I write and re-write my first post on my interfaith marriage and rip my own hair out trying to figure out how to answer my kids questions. My father was a minister and my husband is Jewish. We had an interfaith marriage with a Rabbi and a Minister. It was lovely and felt all good and cuddly. All the faith stuff is just starting to get really uncomfortable. We have beliefs but they don’t fit in either of our faith’s perfectly. Sophia comes home from her church pre-school and tells us lots of things about God. Now we have to sit down and have some serious decision making talks about what our answers to all these questions are going to be.
We alwasy knew we wanted to teach our kids about the world and about the many beautiful faiths that exist in it. Turns out they actually want to know what we believe and that is a lot harder to figure out.
Thanks for starting the discussion. I feel you pain babe. I will let you know when my Y is for Yarmulke post is up. Yes – for Y week I sent my half Jweish child to her Christian pre-school with a yarmulke. It was from our wedding so Sophia thinks it is beautiful and how many things really start with Y? We didn;t have a Yo-Yo although thinking about it it would have been a clearer expression of where we stand of late ;)
.-= Brittany at Mommy Words´s last blog ..I Want to be a Yes Man…Again =-.
I guess everyone has to figure out what they truly believe, deep down. If we have convictions we will not be as easily befuddled and swayed by outer chaos. There really is a truth– despite what we may think as little people on this earth–there is a real story to all this. Perhaps you have already heard it–perhaps not. Best of luck in your quest. (=
.-= Jojomama´s last blog ..Award =-.
I bet this post will generate lots of conversation! We wanted to raise our kids with a good foundation in religion; we felt that a strong spiritual life would help our kids through difficult times and good times. I had no idea of how this decision would spur my own spiritual growth, but it did. And I’m glad.
.-= Lynn from For Love or Funny´s last blog ..A tail of woe, part deux =-.
What a great post! The ending of course made me laugh, but in all seriousness, I’m not sure what I’ll say when these issues come up in the next few years. I’m a Buddhist but was raised Catholic and felt absolutely no connection to that religion. I feel happy and secure in my beliefs but I want to expose my son to all faiths and let him decide for himself. We’ll see what happens!
As a Reform Jew, I relate well to this post on many levels. While I believe (hope) there is a loving G-d, I am not a religious person. However, we belong to a temple where we attend a playgroup. My toddler will attend preschool there and will receive a formal education in Judaism. He had a bris, a naming ceremony, and will have a Bar Mitzvah. He will know his identity as Jewish because, as all Jews know, being Jewish is much more than a religion. It is an ethnicity and culture.
My hope for my son is to be fiercely defensive of being Jewish because nothing will change the fact that he IS Jewish. Ever. He could be baptized in another religion, but Jewish blood runs through his veins. Despite rampant anti-Semitism and ignorance out there, I hope he stands proud of his heritage and is as fiercely protective of his identity as I am.
Thanks for raising this important topic, Jill. I believe it’s something many parents are struggling with, Jewish , Christian, or something/nothing else.
-Aimee
.-= Aimee @ Ain’t Yo Mama’s Blog´s last blog ..Foodie Friday: The AYMB Guide To Trader Joe’s =-.
My husband went to Jewish Day School through 8th grade and I went k-12. It was an incredible education and prepared us greatly for college and the world beyond.
My parents are not at all religious, and growing up I questioned their beliefs, but I think that is natural when your home and school environment differ. My mother gave me answers very similar to yours. And as a kid it was something that I thought about, but it didn’t really bother me. I loved my mom, that was all that really mattered.
I can tell you that I thank my parents all the time for the education they gave me. Tuition was a challenge, and as an adult I understand that now. My husband and I plan to give our kids the education our parents gave us. Congrats on making the decision to send your kids to day school, it’s not an easy one. And hopefully when they grow up they will thank you for it!
.-= Rachael´s last blog ..Mini Session Sneak Peek – Gaithersburg, Md. =-.
Ohhh, wow. Definitely a tough question to answer. It’s something that I’m dreading. I’ve had the question already from my 5 year old, and it was easy enough to ask her, “Well, what do you think?” And she was more than happy to go off on her own tangent and explain to me how God made the Tooth Fairy. (It was a dress up day, go figure)
That said, I think that it’s even more difficult for me right now because I’m exploring myself. I mean, it’s bad enough that I’ve connected with friends who are Christians exploring their Hebrew roots. Which makes it difficult to classify what, exactly, I am. We have started celebrating Jewish holidays and have been looking more and more into Jewish customs and traditions and… everything. I really dive right on in with the research there. But we still believe in Jesus. Just not the modern Christian version of *how* we’re supposed to believe. And yet I don’t know that it really fits in with Judaism – that whole Jesus thing. It’s difficult being the odd duckling in the spiritual pond.
And I have taken quite a few hits for that already. It’s why I’ve avoided blogging about it, personally – if what I post on Facebook has already gotten me called quite a few colorful things, do I really want to expose myself to the rest of the world? Which *really* throws a wrench in the works for explaining things to my kids when I’m dealing with so much crap for what I’m gravitating toward. The most difficult question lately was, “Mommy – why don’t we talk to (insert name) anymore?” “Because she said some mean things about what Mommy’s been reading lately.”
I just think it’s a huge breath of fresh air to find other moms who encourage exploration while the rest of world seems more apt to try to smash people down.
.-= LinLori´s last blog ..Fighting for Brandy =-.
A lot of things went through my head reading this.
First of all, I LMAO at your daughter. I think she knows you quite well. Knows exactly what buttons to push. Kids know our weaknesses, sometimes before we even do.
I am Jewish and I would classify myself I guess as modern orthodox. I moved to Israel married with a kid and a half at age 21. My grandparents were Hassidic. I keep kosher, the Sabbath and lots of other things.
My most religious sister married out of the faith (funnily enough after she had met him here in Israel while studying here). He is an atheist. I am now ashamed about how I reacted to her marriage. (You can read a little more about it and what it made me believe about Judaism and life here: http://www.newdaynewlesson.com/?p=2441 )
I am ashamed because although I disagree with her choices as a religious person, I still could have disagreed and accepted and loved her as a person at the same time. I now believe more than anything that religion is about love and tolerance and acceptance. I think it is the lack of love and tolerance that drives people away from their religion.
I personally believe that there are many important and good things about rituals in religion. I know for me that my religion brings my family closer. Whether it is shared sabbath or holiday meals, prayers or a common pint of view it all serves to bring us closer.
Good luck with the questions and if i can ever help, you know where to find me.
.-= Susie @newdaynewlesson´s last blog ..Bedside Manner Is What Makes A Doctor Great =-.
Laina came home from school and told us that her teacher brought the class together for a circle of prayer for another teacher who had broken her foot. She talked all about how Jesus would heal the foot and now when Laina gets hurt guess who’s going to heal her? Jesus. I’m like you, I’m not going to go rain on her parade and tell her if Jesus really cared about things like that than he would have “healed” my Dad 25 years ago when he laid in a hospital bed dying of cancer while his wife and six small kids prayed for him to get better…alas…I will not taint my daughter with such thoughts. Heal away Jesus.
And way to get out of eating those veggies Lily!!! Now THAT’S a smart girl!!
.-= Mama Kat´s last blog ..Kindergarten Blues =-.
I also wanted to add a book that I read for the first time years ago that did help me understand certain things.
Don’t know if it will help anyone else but just in case. (It is not about evolution just in case anyone thinks otherwise from the title)
It’s called the evolution angel: By Dr. Todd Michael http://drtoddmichael.net/books-audios/the-evolution-angel/
And I wasn’t always open minded enough to read and believe in some of the things he wrote about.
.-= Susie @newdaynewlesson´s last blog ..Bedside Manner Is What Makes A Doctor Great =-.
Lily might want to become a Catholic Priest. She sounds very persuasive and like she could win over a parish. That is hilarious. I always used to laugh at that Jack Handy parenting quote when children ask, “Why is it raining?” Parent says, “Because God is crying. Probably because of something you did.”
@Susie @ newdaynewlesson:
I think the real problem is that “love” and “tolerance” are being confused much of the time. Jesus’ ministry was ALL about love and acceptance. But His level of tolerance was extremely low for things that disgraced God and were motivated by selfish ambition. These days, many of the lifestyles and life choices our society aims to “tolerate” are these very things…thus the continuing disapproval by many liberal folk of Christ’s teachings. Many call Jesus “closed minded,” when in fact, He was the most accepting person who has ever lived. And that’s why He gave His life for ALL of humanity, not just the “religious” who practice rituals and ceremonies.
Good point. I have kind of always used acceptance and tolerance interchangeably but after reading that it has made me think.
I do believe religion is about love and acceptance. I do also believe there is something to tolerance.
I just looked up the definition of tolerance: http://www.thefreedictionary.com/tolerance :one of which is toleration, sufferance, acceptance – a disposition to tolerate or accept people or situations; “all people should practice toleration and live together in peace”
and the definition of acceptance: http://www.thefreedictionary.com/acceptance :one of which meanings is:
a disposition to tolerate or accept people or situations; “all people should practice toleration and live together in peace”
So I guess I am not the only to have used the words interchangeably.
What I have personally learned and I think it has made me a better person is that even if I think people are doing something that I regard as not right as far as my religious point of view or morals, it does not mean I need to disregard them, or disparage them as a person. They can still be good people with good hearts and as long as I feel personally that they are not evil (and again everything is subjective because we are human) I will still keep in touch with the person.
And as long as I do it in a non judgmental and loving way, I also feel i am allowed to express to them that I disagree and why. If I didn’t then my relationship with that person would not be honest.
If it okay, I just want to ask you-because I know the written word is hard to “read” body language wise, it seemed to me that your response was a bit angry or possibly just passionate. I did not know how to take it. :-)
Thanks for your reply btw.
.-= Susie @newdaynewlesson´s last blog ..Bedside Manner Is What Makes A Doctor Great =-.
Great post. It gets us all thinking about our own beliefs and views on religion. Topics like these as hard to explain to your kids…I think you did a great job.
.-= Jennifer´s last blog ..An award ….for me and for others?? =-.
@Susie @ newdaynewlesson: Yes, sorry, just passionate. :) I think that, because it just makes so much sense to me, I wish EVERYONE could have a clean slate and pursue their beliefs with conviction and not be so wishy washy with it. It troubles me because, as a believer in Jesus, I believe the enemy wants to keep us all too busy, and preoccupied with pursuing things that appeal to ourselves and what makes us “feel good,” instead of striving to live a life of service to others. I am by NO MEANS the greatest example of this – it’s a huge struggle for me, actually. But indecisiveness, IMHO, is one of the reasons our culture is so bogged down with negativity and conflict, especially when it comes to morals and values (which almost always come down to spiritual beliefs). Our society (and my generation) is a very indifferent one at times, with a huge sense of entitlement. This often creates a sense of pride that keeps us from discovering the true purpose for our lives. This is what I see around me, anyway.
Gah – I could chat about this forever. I find it so intriguing to hear other people’s thoughts on this subject, especially having not been a believer my entire life. But alas, dishes must be done. Ha!
I’m an agnostic and my husband is an athiest. My stepson is a Christian. I think I’m going to have some explaining to do when my girls get older, and I have no idea how to handle it.
.-= TheKitchenWitch´s last blog ..For Love of Harriet =-.
Jill, this is a great topic and I like that you don’t know what you believe. Having kids – and their natural curiousity and inclination for answers – makes us question our own beliefs (or lack thereof). I was raised essentially as an aetheist – although my parents always emphasized that we were free to believe what we wanted, and now my mother has reverted back to the comfort of Catholicism. For her, it’s a connection to her history that brings her a great sense of calm, not necessarily the teachings but the rituals. Me? I find peace in the beauty of nature and in my family. Maybe this will change, and that’s okay too.
knowing their roots, yes that’s good, but how to do it i dunno. i mean i hated catholic school, it meant nothing to me but mean nuns who slapped the shit out you and stupid uniforms. i don’t remember anything about god from that school. if i was a parent and wanted my rugrats to learn about their religious roots and what have you i think i would find a way to make it interesting, not strict or boring you know?
.-= vanillasugar´s last blog ..raspberry-cream cheese crumb cake =-.
Aw, girl, I’m so sorry you’re struggling with this!
i have to give you props, though, for not involving religion in your wedding ceremony just for the sake of the tradition. From the standpoint of a person who IS pretty religious, I have a hard time with people who use the church for weddings, baptisms, and funerals, but are MIA every other moment of their lives. So, hats off to you for your integrity.
One thing to think about: where do you want your children when they pass away? Do you want them to be reincarnated? Then investigate hindu. Do you want them in Heaven? Then investigate Christianity. Do you want them to be a god of their own planet? Then investigate Mormonism. I think, as parents, we should help guide our kids so that their eternal souls are cared for. We can only do so much for them here on earth, but once their life is over then we should think about what will happen then.
That’s probably the Christian in me talking, ’cause we’re all about what happens after we die. But, seriously, check it out. I’m sure it will be an awesome experience for you and your own faith life too!
.-= Texan Mama´s last blog ..Weekly Winners, May 16-22 =-.
I’m writing a post on this topic too, because I’m having a kind of crisis at the moment…I think you’re handling it well, for the record.
.-= amberpagewrites´s last blog ..Who Wants to Vote on My New Header? =-.
Wow, go Lily for her thoughts and go you for your honesty! I grew up as a non practicing Jew just because my Mom never really taught us and we didn’t go to synagogue. Now, I am a Christian. Go figure. Doesn’t matter though, what I believe has made me a better person, mom and wife. You’ll figure it out. Just one thing, everyone needs to decide what they do believe in, regardless how different it may be from another.
.-= Live.Love.Eat´s last blog ..Bang Bang Shrimp =-.
I Love It!
Fight fire with fire!
Remind her that children are supposed to obey their parents and that makes God happy! She may want scripture reference which you should have on hand :).. I believe it’s in the Old Testament (Torah).
.-= contreras5´s last blog ..When You Give Boys Chalk =-.
I hear you! God has been a focus subject in our house too and we’ve been struggling to answer all the questions. But, I have to say your daughters dinner conversation was priceless…oh boy do you have your hands full. It sounds like she and my daughter would get along famously!!
.-= Mel’s Box of Chocolates´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday – Cupcakes =-.
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