Jill Smokler, AKA Scary Mommy
Latest posts by Jill Smokler, AKA Scary Mommy (see all)
- Dear Judgy Mothers on My Website… - June 15, 2013
- 10 Skills Every Mother Should Possess - June 10, 2013
- Perfection (Or pretty close) - June 3, 2013
When I was in high school, I loved watching Thirtysomething reruns late at night. They got me really excited to hit the triple digits– they just looked like so much fun. Sure, there might be some tragedy and tears, but there would also be this tight knit group of friends to laugh with and cry with and share the joys of raising children together. There would be Halloween parties and Thanksgiving dinners and gourmet clubs and this amazing support system. The thirties sounded great.
But, now I’m in my thirties and have one question: Where are these people? My people?
I didn’t have them in high school; I had a few close friends but was really more of a loner. My twenties were spent getting engaged and married and starting a family and though we had close friends, we never really had a group that we belonged to. We didn’t really need them.
But, now, I do. I need those people to help out with the kids on a moments notice or drop off dinner for when I have few extra servings. I need the standing brunch date and the photos of children other than mine covering the fridge. I need the coffee dates and the walking partners and the support system. I need joint vacations and the house that I feel as comfortable in as my own. I need… something, more than I have.
I don’t mean this to sound whiny- we have some wonderful friends who live near and far and I adore them all. I just thought there was something else to my thirties. Something that I still haven’t found.
{ 173 comments… read them below or add one }
Sounds like a common problem I hear about constantly, from almost all Army wives. I used to have one good friend like that, but she moved, to Kansas (ugh).
Feeling your pain here, whine on!
I know exactly how you feel. I was never a loner, I married one. His dry humor didn’t seem to catch on and as we had our family issues we began to draw closer in. Then one day I looked up and there was no one.
If you find that Holy Grail of adult friends tell us all how you did it. I too loved that show and expected that for myself and instead find myself getting excited over the return of the Fall line up.
Feeling the same sister, feeling the same.
Mad Woman behind the Blog recently posted..Flashback time
It’s not the quantity, it’s the quality
If you’ve got a few good ones – that’s gold right there
And if you’re in the Chicago area, feel free to drop off any and ALL food extras
Ta very muchly x
jenny talia recently posted..video of the weekend
Been feeling that way here, too. Entering into my 40s and wondering what to do with myself one day when the girls leave home for college. We moved away from our home town for about 10 years with the military. When we came back, everyone had moved on or away. Still working on making some of those friendships and would love to have a group of girlfriends like Carrie Bradshaw, hangin out, eating brunch, etc. You’re not alone!
I need that too!
I will be watching TV even now and think I can’t wait til I grow up and can have that…then I realize I’m 31 and the people who know me best just asked me to wipe their butts. HUMPH!
Maybe it will happen in our 40′s…I’m not giving up hope!
You and me both, babe.
Love this post.
Be the change — take a risk — invite someone new to coffee — try a new routine (you never know who you’ll run into!) — OR, move down South & @mommywords and I can meet you at the library. ;)
Sara — The Football Wife recently posted..Babycakes & Silky – Together… Forever
It’s HARD. And, people just seem so settled with their own lives, you know? The one time I did have a group (all women, though, still not what I imagined) was when I lived in Tennessee. For some reason it was so much easier there.
Where did you live in TN? I’m originally from the Chattanooga area, but have lived in NC for the last 14 yrs.
I have been reading your blog for a couple of months now and most I relate to and some I don’t. This one I really relate to, I’m in my early 40′s and I’m still waiting for my 30 something “crowd”. I live in a neighborhood filled with groups, they are everything that you discribed. Unfortunately for some reason my family just is usually only on the fringe of these groups not in but not completely out either. I always wonder what makes me and my family so different than these people that we can never connect.
I totally wish I had a support system like that, a support system that didn’t include my in-laws! Maybe one day!
Jannica,
My, oh my!! I can TOTALLY relate to you!! If only you lived on my block… we could certainly start our own group!
Phyllis recently posted..Ode to My First Blog Post
First of all, love the move to the left.
Left is my favorite direction, so I enjoy when it gets its due.
And no, I’m not joking.
I really have a favorite direction.
Not amongst N/S/E/W though – they’re all loved equally.
Where was I?
Oh yes…
Make a group!
Invite a couple of friends over one night a week.
Then do it again.
Then have them invite a couple of friends.
And if that doesn’t work, well, you always have blog friends.
And we’re cooler anyway.
Megan (Best of Fates) recently posted..Pursey Galore Loves the Night Life
I think that’s the problem— I love this world so much, that it’s hard for real life to compete with it!
And, thanks! I like it better, too. Not sure why it took me so long to do.
Hi!! So all joking aside, I do wonder how social media factors into our real social lives. I’ve been here for ten years and I do feel like I have plenty of friends for the things you mentioned (last minute stuff, regular stuff, etc). It definitely took a long time and a lot of work. BUT, since I started really getting involved with Twitter I for SURE spend less time calling my friends and spending time with them. I have less time in general . . . something I’m trying to balance better this school year.
I feel you! I wondered the same thing, and the worst thing is that my mom had that in her 20′s, 30′s, and 40′s. I am envious of her and anyone else who has that amazing support system. It was fabulous growing up with three “mother figures” and gaggle of kids to play with, and we saw each other practically every day. I took it for granted that I will have that when I settled down and started making babies. But, now here I am, at 37 years old, with a wonderful husband and a 3-year-old and a 22-month-old, but I have no friends like the ones my mom had. No playdates for my kids. I don’t know where it went wrong, but apparently it did because my best friend live hundreds of miles away, and the past decade I tried to build up friendships only to be dropped like a hot potato (case in point: I had the nerve to marry a guy that was supposedly hands off by other women in the area). Now we moved to Washington, DC and I’m still BFF-less. I wrote about this in my blog. I felt so fucking robbed and now after reading your post, I felt so much better in that it’s not me that’s wondering about where all those “Sex and the City” friends or “thirtysomething” friends have gone to. I fucked up during my college years by being totally immersed in my major and having no clue what to do with social life. I fucked up at my last job because I worked late shift while everyone else worked a day shift, so opportunities for socializing and getting to build that friendship support system were limited. I’m just hoping that the 40′s will be much better in terms of making such friends (cuz right now, we are in a limbo where my husband is in grad school, and I’m thinking of returning to grad school) when everything is settled and the kids are in school. At least that is what my husband told me whenever I talked about this.
Charlene Kuyrkendall recently posted..Oh no! I did not actually got told this!!
I feel the same way you do. I thought I would be enjoying my 30s much more than I am right now!!
I hear you loud and clear. My friends are in very different places in their lives (single, no kids to my married with kidlet). And the group of friends I assumed we would be sharing the trials and tribulations of parenting with are turning out to parent very differently from my husband I/no longer sharing the same values and being un-supportive of our choices.
At least you have us, your internet buddies…of course you’d have to schlep your kids over here for me to watch them…
Oh man, I LOVED that show. (Those people need to do another similar show, seriously. I miss that show and My So-Called Life regularly.) I have friends but it’s not that same ease. I wouldn’t just walk into their house unannounced or assume they’d watch my kid – and not everyone has kids. It seems a bit more uneven than their lives were.
Now I want to get the show on DVD and watch the whole thing.
Candice recently posted..Pico de yummo
I’m soooo with you on My So-Called Life. That was MY show too! AND I have it on DVD….is that lame or cool? Whatever. Going to watch it when I get off work…
Eve@BeautifulSpitUp recently posted..Writing Workshop- My Single-Childless Friends
Oh, I loved My So-Called Life. If I were nearby, I’d be over in a heartbeat to watch the DVD with you. Jordan Catalano is still my biggest TV crush.
OH Jordan Catalano how I love you and using your full name in sentences. SWOON!
guarros recently posted..repost – guarros gone wild- first comes love
I feel the exact same way and I’m 27. What’s happening? I had two good friends and they’ve all but dissapeared since I had my son. Ugh. Next month I turn 28 and I wonder what the future holds for my non existent people.
Eve@BeautifulSpitUp recently posted..Writing Workshop- My Single-Childless Friends
I hear you. All of my neighbors are old and retired and dick heads. But, I have my online gals, that counts for something, right?
Zak recently posted..How To Paint A Ceramic Lamp And Change Lives
It does, it totally counts.
You have to create the support system! I totally agree with others have written here…invite someone to do something and then invite them again. If they reciprocate, try someone else. Soon enough, you’ll find plenty of someones to depend on. Who knows? You might even hit on something that other acquaintances in your life need, too, they just didn’t know how to get it.
Heidi recently posted..Making memories – Bald Head Island style
I loved that show. Maybe that type of supportive circle only exists on tv?
Andrea recently posted..Ive been sobbing for 3 days
Haven’t had a ton of experience making adult friends yet, but here are the few small tips I’ve picked up thus far:
1) Meet your acquaintances’ friends. Just because your friendship with that person isn’t likely to get much closer, doesn’t mean they don’t know other people you might have more in common with. (Don’t ditch the mutual acquaintance though – that’s not cool.) So far, this one has been the most productive for me.
2) Oldest tip in the book, but joining just one activity (or a class) can introduce you to loads of people. Just be sure to choose something you actually like.
3) If there’s any way to go to a particular place you enjoy (a cafe, the library, anything) at around the same time regularly, you’ll eventually get to know the people who go there at the same times as you. It starts with a familiar smile, once you’re at the point of recognizing each other… then eventually you can get around to introducing yourselves.
4) I don’t have kids yet, but… I remember as a kid, whenever there was a birthday party, other people’s moms would stay and talk to the other moms, sometimes for the whole party. My parents wouldn’t, and thus they didn’t know any other parents (no moms stayed and talked at MY birthday parties, for example), but all those other moms just seemed to have the right idea.
5) Neighbor party! We hosted a BBQ for our block early this summer. Unfortunately the few other couples in our age group didn’t end up attending, but we might follow up with a holiday party… so we’ll see!
These are great tips- now I just need to DO them. :)
Christine lists some excellent tips in her response. It took me years to find my group, so I know how hard it is to feel like you fit in. I’m in my mid 40′s, and my kids are now both away at school. If it weren’t for my tight group of girlfriends, i’d be lost. Most of these friends, I met through other friends. We meet weekly, and I rely on this time as if it were an appointment with a therapist.
To add to her list, I’d suggest joining the school PTO group, or a committee at a church or synagogue. It’s so hard to do… just walking in alone and saying you want to be involved, but for me, it was an excellent way to meet other mom’s.
I have faith that you will find your friends : )
I used to watch TV Friday nights as a kid wishing that my family could be like the Bradys or the Partridges. I even remember watching Friends and thinking wow, where is my group of cool quirky buddies? Oh well, that is why TV is so entertaining because it isn’t real. You’ll feel better about it all when you are in your 40′s.
BTW – really enjoyed your presentation at BBC this weekend.
Catherine from Wink at Me recently posted..Dancing with Bristol Palin That about sums it up
I felt that way with Friends. Sex and the City, too. Pretty much every sitcom, actually.
And, thanks!
–>Since you like to move, come to my ‘hood. I’ve successfully convinced some of my close friends and their families as well as my sister and soon my brother to live within a two mile radius of ME. It’s so easy to drop off a dog that needs watching, help with babysitting, borrow something or have the school bus drop a kid off at a different drop point. I Love It.
WebSavvyMom recently posted..Flashback Friday Part 70 – We Are Virginia Tech
I’m so jealous– that’s amazing. I wish I could move everyone to me!
Oh..So you want to be a swinger, is it?…in your thirties, married and bored, lonely, want to share…ahem….dinner and great conversation, the kids can play together, everyone will be so close.
There. I wrote you an ad for the paper. LOL
No really, the rest of us 30 somethings are sitting home wishing for family-like friends, not the kind you are polite to 24/7, but the kind you can tell them their ass is getting fat and their husband needs to stop with the spray on hair. The ones who trip a little sh*t on the playground for shoving yours down the slide. The girlfriend who isn’t afraid to chat it up from the porcelain thrown while you shave you legs in the tub adjacent…..whose husband drove your hubs home from his vasectomy…
Yea, I thought those kind of friends were a Hollywood invention. And trying to be such a friend could get misconstrued in so many BAD directions thanks to reality TV and Oprah….
ummmm….but if you want my leftover stuffed chicken breasts, there yours!
Jennifer recently posted..To the Moon…
So so true…my closest friend lives too far away to visit more than once a year or so and the people I thought would be my friends “when we got old” are no longer even in my life. I have recently started a book club in hopes that maybe this will bring more friends into my life, the only thing is that I only really knew 2 people to ask, maybe they will ask some of their friends too.
Wow, so glad to read this post and all the comments and know that this empty no community feeling is not just a part of my life. I have always been one of those people with a small group of friends, but now that I am 34 and with a child and a blended family, the family of friends feels so necessary. Yet, I have one, one friend that I can talk to regularly and given crazy schedules maybe hang out with once a month. It is so not enough.
Jacki recently posted..Back to Blogging Day 1 – The First Post You Ever Wrote
Me too. Amazing how many of us feel the exact same way—- maybe it’s just different these days and the people who have those great groups are the exception not the rule.
Oh my, you are not alone. My hubby and I just had this convo over the weekend. I told him we WILL make friends this move. We are navy so we move alot. I have a great childhood friend even a few good friends I met on different moves, but never a group of friends near by that I can just “hang” with. I want the once a month nights with wine and chat about whatever. The hosting of parties other than Navy parties. Just good ole couple fun or even just the ladies or fellows hanging out together.
For me, (but I was in High School at a different time) It was S&TC.
But, I’m finding my twenties are already looking much like yours.
Brie recently posted..Brand New
You know what? Your post actually makes me feel incredibly lucky. I DO have a group like that. I can’t even begin to count the number of things we’ve all done together over the past 3 years. It’s pretty amazing…even our parents and other friends comment on what a close-knit circle we have.
Also, you should know, I emailed them all your blog post, we discussed it, and we’ve decided to adopt you :) WELCOME TO OUR GROUP!!! Now, move to Boise, mmkay?
Lessons in Life and Light recently posted..A Single Man – A Review
Awesome plan! I’m in! :) And, I’m happy for you– that’s a wonderful thing.
I totally understand where you are coming from. This is something that I need too but don’t have.
Jen recently posted..Who is Going to Read That
I completely relate to this. My BFF lives almost an hour away, and I just don’t have “those people” near me. No one can take my kids on a moments notice, I can’t walk to someone’s house for dessert, etc. It stinks!
I’m haven’t hit my 30′s yet, but I’m still wondering the same thing.
I know others who have this so-called circle, but they seem to be in constant fights, arguments and drama. I (almost desperately) want a circle of my own, but I just can’t handle the drama.
And I’ve put myself out there to make to new friends only to get burnt in the end. I swear I finished high school over ten years ago….
Maybe that kind of stuff only happens on television – where any problem, no matter how big, is solved in less than 30 minutes. Or a 2 part episode at the most.
; )
Rebecca recently posted..Are You Smarter Than a Preschooler
HEY SCARY MOMMY!!!!!!!!!!!1
WHAT ARE ALL OF YOUR RABID READERS, COMMENTER’S, AND DEFENDERS, CHOPPED LIVER? kidding with Ya Jill!
I feel you, I have two friends in my current location, and a few more around the world, but it’s still hard. There are times I would give anything for younger days when we could all just eat in the cafeteria together, talk endlessly on the phone, or have our class’s match up. I can not seem to make “grown up” friends, as there are SO many Mommy Nazi’s running around that I want to hide in my home until I find a way to invent a Mommy Nazi Repellent. (Patent Pending) These women have left me a crying, sobbing mess, time and again. The ones I actually enjoy being around have large families and not much spare time, though we get together when we can, and enjoy our time together. I hope you find someone soon, it can help, a lot at times.
Good Luck Jill!
Preggers/Jeri
Hardly- that’s the problem- I love you all so much!
I miss those days, too, when everyone is eager to make connections. So much easier.
I can relate to this.
As a person who has moved around a lot in my life, I think I never really get past the feeling of being the New Girl or Outsider. It takes a long time for me to open up to people. I live 20 minutes from nowhere, so that adds a little extra hiccup into spontaneous anything.
My best friend lives about 8 hrs away. We’ve been friends since we were 5 (almost 30 yrs.) I’d love to live in a neighborhood with potlucks and bbq’s, but I don’t. People move to the country to get away from people and that’s usually a good idea. :)
oh, I knew what you meant, but luckily you’ve got 60-70 yrs. before you hit the triple digits.
Brook @ To Be Dancing recently posted..ADHD Awareness Week
It’s because I don’t live in Baltimore.
DAMMIT!!!!
:)
Loralee recently posted..The accidental midwife- I don’t know nothin’ about birthin’ babies- Miss Scarlett!
Clearly. :)
Is there something in the water? I recently wrote about something just like this, and another blogger I follow did as well.
Allie recently posted..My Horoscope Today
Soooo true!! Where are these people? I want all of that too! Why is it so hard to become/be part of a group? I don’t have kiddos (yet…..hopefully) but I want this close knit feeling with friends.
I SOOOO wish we lived closer b/c I feel the same way, minus the kids part. Don’t get me wrong, I am totally that person that would take your kids at a moments notice, I just don’t have any of my own. That usually scares people into not thinking about me when they are in a bind. Oh, well. I am with you though on the whole thirtysomething thing. LOVED that show (Phila burbs based – holla!) but I am 38 tomorrow…I feel liek I missed it! Maybe that is what the 40′s are for now. I think I’ll think that way from now on. ;)
Scargosun recently posted..Social Media Overload or Why I Need Bloggy Boot Camp
Phila “burbs” is not far. My son said he’d like to take a road trip!
keia recently posted..little things
Get your foot out of my mouth…I was just thinking this Saturday night.
Sooooooooo I was thinking…I could drop my kid off at your house and we can trade pictures to post on refrigerators. :-)
keia recently posted..little things
Sounds like a plan!
You’re clearly not alone with those feelings anyway which is really nice to see – I was starting to think it was only me!
I’ve got a small circle of friends that I could call on for anything but they don’t live close enough! What’s happened to community? I know that people move around a lot nowadays but in all of the places we’ve lived we’ve struggled to find people like us and at the same stage of life as us.
I’m hoping that I can make local friends through my future children – either at parent and toddler group or the parents of their school friends!!
It’s SO nice to see. And, kind of silly. If we all feel this way, other people do, too. There has to be a better way to do it.
My “thirtysomething” crowd was more like my “fortysomething” crowd. But once you get there… it’s so worth it!
I know exactly what you mean. I see other people (fuckin’ facebook) getting together with their friends ALL the time, or at least it seems that way. We hardly ever have people over and we are never invited over to anyone’s home for dinner or game night or fun stuff or whatever. I have my online tribe. So now how do I find my in real life tribe?
Jennifer recently posted..My very first post
That, my friend, is the question.
Jennifer: I know exactly how you feel. I love facebook (I’ve “connected” with some “friends” I haven’t seen in years) but it makes me feel so much more lonely. I see people getting together all the time w/o invitations coming my way. We have also had people over (including a VERY messy pumpkin carving party) and we hardly every get any invites to other peoples houses. I too am looking for my real life tribe. Can’t seem to make any lasting connections.
glad to know i’m not the only one. i’m still trying to find my tribe. i came from a big, extendes family, and long story short, don’t think my kids will have that. so search continues. . .
So much yes to this, as a military spouse especially.
Because although I do have people I can call at a moment’s notice, it isn’t the same thing as a house I feel as comfortable in as my own. Or a standing brunch date where I can say the things I need to say … because these gals’ husbands work with my husband … and that makes for a different dynamic.
tara recently posted..how do they do it
I loved that show. I was in my 20′s when it ran on ABC and I wished I could live next door to Hope & Michael.
I have yet to live the kind of life they do, with such a great circle of friends as they have, hanging out on a regular basis. When my oldest was born, I did have a little circle of friends, but fast forward to having 3 small kids and a full time job (outside the home) and it’s hard for me to connect with anyone on any level, other than my immediate family (and even that is hard at times!)
Momlissa recently posted..My First Blog Post Ever
*sigh* thirtysomething.
loved, loved that show. had SUCH a mad crush on ken olin.
and now i’m subjected to watching his spoiled daughter on the hills as she begs for his money so she can spend it on a new duplex on the upper east side.
this is what i’ve become.
Cindy S recently posted..I Survived and I Wasn’t Last So- That’s Something
You’re not alone.I feel the exact same way
YES! That village. You know? The village that helps you raise your children? Where the eff is it? I complain about this to my mom all the time. And you read about it in newspapers about how isolated mothers are, blah blah blah, but it’s true. And it’s lonely.
Exactly. I want my village.
I’m 42, single, and childless. You’d think I was made of poison the way couples (married women…) don’t want to be friends. sigh. Good luck. At least you are in the MarriedWithKids Club so you have a shot.
watercolor recently posted..Im a dating magnet I attract tools
Wow! I was just thinking about this very thing today! No lie! I just had my thirty-tenth birthday and I too am still looking for “my people”, “my tribe”…where the hell are they?
I have a job in marketing which means and I see and talk to a gazillion different people a day, but it’s so seldom “real” conversations. It’s all light and cheery and smile and shaking hands and kissing babies – no “real” friendships come from it. Because I travel all day long, in and out of a car, when I get home – I’m ready to get “home”. The last thing I want to do it go somewhere else! We have four kids so I “go” enough being their chauffeur, so again “going” somewhere seems so exhausting.
What’s the solution for this? What’ the solution for you? Please…if you figure it out, lemme know, will ya?
thanks :-)
pamtastic recently posted..The Day I Became a Runner
Oh, I’ll write a damn book if I figure it out!
Why are friends so hard to find if we all want them? I had this kind of tribe in college and miss it so much.
Carla recently posted..Our Cotton Anniversary
It took me four years to find the right playgroup. FOUR YEARS. And then I stumbled upon a group via Meetup. Moms that are similar to me in parenting style. Moms I can count on. Moms I can go get a drink with. (Once a week, we have a standing date. Amen.) Moms who would go above and beyond to make sure that my 30th birthday was a crazy fun (drunken) time.
If you’ve never explored Meetup, I recommend it. You might get lucky! Wish you were down south–I think you’d fit in perfectly!
Sara Plays House recently posted..Software and Cake
I’ve never even heard of it! And, it’s so funny– I could never see myself in the south, but I loved the friends I had when I lived there.
It is so hard to maintain friendships with all of the time that goes into just maintaining our families. I’m very lucky in that most of my girlfriends live about 30 minutes from me in any given direction. However, at the same time, most of our catching up is done on Facebook and we’re always saying it’s such a shame we don’t actually get together more often given our proximity.
SaucyB’s latest post: This SITS Girl Went to Bloggy Boot Camp
We’ve finally found our tribe…it only took about 12 years. The tipping point was a great baseball team where all of the parents got along, the kids get along, and we spontaneously started doing dinners together on weekends. It’s hard to get there though. Why not invite a family that you seem to get along with for a spontaneous dinner: pizza after a kid’s event? Or 2 or 3 families! Then see where it goes!
Headless Mom recently posted..Just Curious-Pet Peeves- Part 3
I don’t know if it’s an age thing or rather a lack of physical community. Things are quite different than they were in the 80s when that show was on the air. People keep far more to themselves with all the personal modern conveniences that didn’t exist back then… namely everything that’s come out from the creation of the personal computer: the internet, cell phones, video chat, etc. Why leave your house and actually MEET anyone when you can be on the computer? (Which I am totally guilty of, so I am certainly not saying it’s your fault.) The only way around that? Get out there and meet people. Do you belong to your temple? Or mom’s groups? Or other organizations? Do you know about meetup.com. Those things really do help.
Robin recently posted..Mondays Muse- Traffic Jam
I just heard of meetup two seconds ago. I’ll look into it!
I can totally relate to this, and I talk to my husband about it all the time. I have yet to find my people :( I have plenty of “sort of” friends, but people who are really “my people” are hard to come by. I know it’s because of the way I think, and the things I believe in, but that’s OK with me. Sometimes I think maybe I should try to fit in with the other wives or the girls in my office so I might have some shopping buddies or a regular “girls’ night” but then I smack myself and remember that I would be miserable if I did that. I do have two true, real friends who totally gets me, but they live far away. They’re keepers, though.
wendy @ ABCs and Garden Peas recently posted..Got the Urge to Splurge
Sometimes I read things in bloggieland that I am sure I must have written—totally loved thirtysomething in high school and still have yet to find my people in the real world.
Will be 36 in about a month and guess what? I’m still waiting for exactly what you have described!
Melisa recently posted..Fashionable Friday- Must Be The Shoes
I totally know where you are coming from. I’m working on getting my “group”, but it’s tough going. A few mom’s went out for coffee after preschool drop off today, and I think it’s a good start, right?
Becca recently posted..Rosh Hashanah- family- and a migraine
That’s totally a start. :)
I get this, totally get this. I don’t have family nearby so it makes it even harder not to have that “something” more…
Theta Mom recently posted..Blog Connections are Real
Agreed…at 36, my friends are spread out and our neighbors are all older than us. I’m wondering when I’ll make the friends that we’ll have over for BBQs and mimosas on the first day of kindergarten. Many of my friends with older kids swear that I’ll meet them when my kids start school, but will I still have a personality by then???
Thirtysomething rocked the house BTW.
Rebecca recently posted..Arthroscopic Lateral Release Surgery – Two Weeks In
Yes. Exactly. I thought I was going to be having girls night with the same four or five girls, planning trips, car pooling to work, etc. Stupid television shows and movies that made me think being 30 would be more than having to start using eye cream.
Oh, and I do live in Baltimore…wanted to go to your blog event, but can’t make it. Maybe some other time…I’m sure you want to meet me now that I told you I have no friends!
Rebecca recently posted..Arthroscopic Lateral Release Surgery – Two Weeks In
jill, so honest. so true. and & just look at how many people can relate!! now what do we do about it?!
I know, crazy, right! It makes me want to start some big, national movement. Or, something.
It’s not too late but friendships take a lot of work. I think you just have to make the time, get out of your comfort zone and put yourself out there more with people. Throw a little neighborhood cocktail party…get some school moms together. Look how amazing you are at bringing all these bloggers together!!
Great to finally meet you! I had a blast at Bloggy Boot Camp but wish I could have stayed for cocktails!!
Glamamom recently posted..THE FIRST GLAMAMOM POST I EVER WROTE
It’s so different on-line– everyone is looking to connect. I don’t feel that way in real life, you know?
Awesome to meet you too!!
I hear ya. There was a brief time in my life when I attended bbq’s and parties, and the kids ran and played with oodles of others. Then, my ex went psycho. When he left, our friends (his coworkers) felt awkward and kind of shut me out. I’m not one of “them” anymore. For about a year I hung out with the stragglers, but they’re all single. Now that he’s *really* gone, I’m left with neither the families or the singles (cause I’m home with the kiddos instead of bar hopping). It’s not what I thought it’d be.
Can’t It Be About Me recently posted..Feeling More Like Mommy Dearest than June Cleaver
Wow. This post and all the comments make me want to cry. I’m completely hormonal and due any day. I guess it’s not just my hormones though seeing as others are going through the same thing.
Every since being put on bed rest (which is a joke btw) and mentioning it to several people.. with not one REAL response I realized how alone I’ve become.
You know, for the past 15 yrs most of the friends I’ve made have been from online. I married a man I met online. My whole world revolved around it.. but now that I have a child I want a real life again and I don’t want my child to suffer because I don’t have one. I don’t want his mom being the loner.. I’m hoping that by the time he gets to school I can just reinvent myself and start again :\
Monica recently posted..Help Support Ovarian Cancer Research and You Could A Win Perfect Steam™ Washer and Dryer From Electrolux
It’s like you read my mind, mama! I thought that with age came the comfort of having this close knit group of friends that you could rely on, talk to, go to festivals and theme parks with, spend Christmas Eve or Thanksgiving night with. I feel like I did in high school: kind of a loner, not feeling closely connected with any group at all. I could not wait to get the hell out of high school, and it seems that nothing has changed as far as friendships go. I was definitely hoping for more.
I guess we should feel lucky that our blog friends are who they are…because I think my people are the best people in social media :)
Tricia recently posted..Why I can’t watch “Bringing Home Baby” anymore
We sorta found a bit of that in our 40s once our kids hit school-age (and BTW, I LOVED thirtysomething – was always hoping that would be me too…). Although we’re on the “fringes” of a group. And to be honest, we sort of like it that way. I mean, we have people to hang with if we want, but not so much of a group that seem to always be together.. doing lots of things, almost everything together, vacationing together, seeing each other every day, every weekend etc… – and I think hubs and I are rather private on a certain level that we wouldn’t want that all the time. I read about a family who had their friends dropping in so often that they actually had 20 sets of keys out to their friends – yikes!!!
It does seem a lot easier via blogland – you know, you can get close but keep your distance at the same time. I know, I’m a bit of a cold-hearted be-atch sometimes… ;)
I know what you mean, when I moved to the Philadelphia area right after my 2nd son was born I had no one. I felt totally alone with no where to go because I didn’t know the area and I had a just 2 year old and newborn. After a few months I heard of a local Moms Club so I decided to check it out, it was the best thing I have ever done. I have met some wonderful ladies that will be there for me no matter what, cook me dinner when me or one of my family members are sick, we trade off babysitting, have coffee when the kids are at school and have mommy happy hours. I’m not best friends with them all but there are a handful of moms that I consider to be real friends, and we will continue to be so long after we are gone from our Moms Club. So I highly recommend looking into that…most of the moms in these clubs join for the same reason, because they are new to the area and looking for support and friendship.
Totally agree. I want/need peeps like this too! After my mom passed away, my family spread out all over the place and since I recently moved, I know no one. Makes like hard at times… Good luck finding your peeps. :)
Alana @ Domestically Challenged recently posted..Zombie Post Monday – Mommy Contracts
Wow. I LOVED that show so much. In fact, at the time it was on, I became good friends with a co-worker and we would get together with our husbands at the time and make a night of watching it. It was like we were 30-something watching 30-something! But then life happens. Motherhood can be a very lonely time. I remember getting a little part-time job that I went to for 3 hours a night, two or three times a week, just so I could get out of the house and talk with other adults. My husband at-the-time just didn’t get it.
I have lots of sisters (7) but they have their own lives, too. I’m still friends with a girl I met in high school, but we drift in and out as our lives get busy. Toward the end of my marriage almost 9 years ago, I prayed on a daily basis for God to, please, send me a good friend that I could talk to and hang out with. I got a job afer the divorce and when I had to quit that job to move on to a better one three-and-a-half years later, I realized that I was going to miss that place a whole hel-uv-a lot because I looked up and realized I had made not one friend, but a whole army of friends that I considered my guardian angels because these women were there for me when I needed them. I have stayed friends with a couple of them–one in particular has become my partner in comedy crimes.
I do see the need to get out more and find a way to meet more people to have some one to do more things with. Especially, now that my kids are going into college. I somehow, like you, must find the courage and the way to “just do it.” So, try that little part-time job thing. It could work. … and keep your chin up, kid. Your not alone, just feels that way.
rtcrita recently posted..Sentimental School Years
Hey, we’ve got that right here in the HP.
But remember what comes with it?
The best things always end up being the worst.
Don’t worry we’re kicking out the worst little by little!
I remember it well! And, I miss it. Not all of it, but most. xoxo
I haven’t entered the 30′s yet, but I can relate to this post. I had a very close friend that I met in 6th grade and recently lost her to some very bad choices. I can only hope that she finds her way back to me. Until then, the only support I have is that of my bra, and that isn’t doing it’s job well either.
MentalMom recently posted..I am choosing to remember the good!
When we were in the thick of having babies and toddlers, as new owners of a townhouse in a busy neighborhood, we had so many friends. We would get together for holidays, or for a game night, or for swimming and a BBQ at the pool. And then they all bought bigger houses and moved on, and I often feel like we’ve been left behind. It’s not a fun thing. I do have friends, but not a support group like you were mentioning. It’s hard for me to imagine having one at this time of my life, though.
Lolli recently posted..Vroom- Vroom- Crash!
Me too. I need something more. Where is it? What is it?
life with kaishon recently posted..Things that make you go Hmmmmmmmmmm
Waaaaa…I WANT TO BE YOUR LUNCH DATE! Why is life not fair? Blogland is such a tease, “Hey Mama Kat, check out these awesome people that you love and MAYBE get to see once a year. HAHA! Jokes on you!”
Well guess what LIFE, the jokes on you this time! We can have a long distance 30-something friendship. Distance will not stand in my way…Fed-exing our leftover casserole as I type!!
PS…the switcharoo on the blog design? Definitely an improvement. Good move.
Mama Kat recently posted..Blogging Is Like Waffleserrr…I may be the only person that analogy makes sense to
That’s SO true. It sucks. Because these people— you— are my people. Just at the other end of the fucking country.
And, thanks! I was inspired by BBC to spice it up.
i’ve never had a “group” of friends. i was a sort of free agent, bouncing from one clique to another, with a friend or two in each.
as an adult, i have a few friends. but we aren’t a group. my sister has a bazillion friends and they are all friends. i get kind of lonely. i could write a whole blog post about this but it might make me cry.
i wish you lived closer, i think we’d be a group.
xo
melissa recently posted..Here I Am- Once Again…Bloggy Limbo
We totally would.
This is something that I’m struggling with as we speak. With moving back to the States after 7 years abroad, all I have are friends (bloggy and IRL) who live far away. Nobody close.
Looking forward to being your peep soon!
Jill recently posted..I Discovered A Way To Buy Myself Time
Me too, hun, me too. Even though I live in the town that I grew up with, I still don’t have a “group”. But my heart aches for one.
You and me both. If you find those people, let me know. I’m so stuck, especially now that I’m a stay at home mom.
Sarah recently posted..Back to school &Thankful Thursday 8-19-10
I’ve had the very same lament for years and I’ve blogged about it numerous times, as well. I don’t know know the secret of the awesome group of friends but as a ridiculously huge fan of Thirtysomething, I’m just glad to find another one in the blogosphere. Nobody ever understood how I could love a show so much (my husband got me the first season on DVD last year for Christmas) but it was mostly because I envied their little group of friends/family. And with that, I think I’m going to go watch a few episodes.
IzzyMom (@thecaffeinatrix) recently posted..I Think I Need a Life Coach or a Drill Sergeant
i feel lucky in this regard–my two closest friends live within minutes, both had boys within a couple months of me, and our husbands get along.
move to utah and you too can have all this.
Alexis recently posted..i wish things could just be easier
Yep, count me in on this too. In my adult life I only ever had one great friend like that, who has kids the same age as my kids and they all like each other, and a husband I really like who gets along with my husband…. and then they moved. Only an hour or so away, but…
We see each other twice a year now.
StacyQ recently posted..Back to the begining
I feel the same way. I thought when I got older I would have a lot of friends and fun get togethers. Nope. It doesn’t help that my hubby is in the military so when I do develop friendships, they usually end once I move. It reminds me of that episode of Six Feet Under where Brenda tells her brother the same thing and his response was along the lines of you have fewer friends and get lonelier as you get older.
I think you need to host parties….lots of them. That’s what we did and it seems to have worked out well. But, for sure, there’s nothing past 21 worth looking forward to.
Cathy @ All I Want To Say recently posted..Hey Teach- Its the KIDS in School
I struggle with this as well. I’ve always longed for that unbreakable circle of friends, but I also value my privacy and free time. Being disappointed and betrayed by a few “bff’s” over the years hasn’t exactly inspired me to open up to anyone new. My plan of action is to move in hopes to find people more like us. If that doesn’t work, I’ll just keep having more kids – they aren’t much needier than the girlfriends I’ve had!
beckie recently posted..The Lunch Date
I haven’t quite reached my thirties yet but already I yearn for ‘my people’ too. Three children and a huge list of daily tasks would surely feel lighter if I had someone to share it with. It’s a lonely world really even when you have a loving hubby and three gorgeous children, a little bit of female company and support helps loads. Fantastic post thank you x
Frazzeledmummy recently posted..How did they do it
Jill, it amazes me how often you hit the nail right on the head. Even though we live in a nice neighborhood, there’s nobody around who is in the same boat we’re in (married with tweens). I miss having someone around who I can really relate to.
Lynn from For Love or Funny recently posted..Barney burped on me
I know exactly how you feel. I’m standing here looking around for my people as well. I’m afraid we get so wrapped up in starting our lives and our families that maybe we let this part go for a little while. Let me know when you figure out how to find them! :)
~Laura recently posted..Here and Gone
I am so so SO glad you wrote about this. I will be 27 in nov and I am not married and have no kids. Let me say this ab my married and spawed friends they THINK they can do it all! I’ve offered countless trips to the grocery stores, bouncing newborns, loving phonecalls and I alway got turned down. I’m a nanny for a set of 3 yr old triplets so it’s not for a lack of experience! But you know what I ALWAYS get? Invitations to showers, weddings, baptisms, bday parties, bake sales, fundraisers, bbq’s for the homeless…. In other words, group things that are impersonal. My married friends still refer to my boyfriend of 4 years as my ‘boytoy’ …. Which he was 4 years ago when I met him. They have no clue what’s been going on in my life. They are so busy turning down help and alienating themselves, I don’t know that I’ll be around in 3 years
Now that it’s not 2am, I have the energy to retype the general gist of my comment ;)
You know if work ever leads your family to South Jersey, I’d help out with your kids anytime.
I’ve been pretty lucky and my BFF from growing up lives in my town. I made her my son’s godmother so I can guilt her into babysitting in a pinch, and I bring her some dinner as a bribe. I’ve also finally become part of a “group” with some mommy friends that I met at baby gymnastics when our 5yo’s were 18 months.
But, what I really miss is the neighborhood community. My perception of my neighborhood growing up was that everyone watched out for each other’s kids. Moms got together and drank wine coolers and amaretto sours. I’d head across the street at will to watch soaps with Dee, or to sweetly ask if Ronnie had any delicious pink lemonade that day. I rode my bike or walked 1/2 mile down the street (as early as 5) to Mary Ellen’s to play jailbreak or play in their immense sandbox. And the moral is: Where the heck was my mother?
JulieBouf recently posted..Yo- ho!
If you find them, let me know where I can get a set of my own. I feel horribly alone in my little corner of Indiana…
amber recently posted..Where It All Began
Totally loved that show, & I totally get the point of your great post.
I’ve moved house & jobs so many times that the few close friends I have are scattered over the country. I’ve been especially lonely since we moved interstate 3 years ago. I yearn for My People with all my being!
Recently I decided to ‘be the change I want to see’ & have organised a Girls Night Out for the mums in my sons kindergarten class – I figured we all live locally, & we are going to watch out children grow up togethor, surely there must be at least a few potential close friends in there? Wish me luck!
Mrs BC recently posted..What DO you call man boobs on a woman
Good luck– keep us posted. :)
There is still time!!! :)
Baby Pickel recently posted..Guest Post Laugh…
I agree !! Where the hell are these people!~?!?
Thats why I love my online friends. When I don’t have real life standing brunch date- theres always a virtual one standing there for me on Twitter ;)
Corine recently posted..It’s A Book- Jackass But- Is It a Children’s Book
I have to say that I am in that lucky group that has several groups of close friends that I can connect with on different levels. Like I tell my kids, don’t put all of your eggs in one basket…..I have tried to live by this. I am extremely lucky to have two very close women friends (neighbors) who I have known since my children were born and we do things as the gurls, couples and families. Now that the kids are mostly grown, when everyone comes together, even they seem to relish this time. (I am going out for lunch with one of the women today:)
I also live in a wonderful community where people come together and not only celebrate often, but also assist those in need. I have a few other women friends that I talk to daily or weekly who live in the community (pick up that phone!). We also have community Xmas parties (house roving style), bonfires and picnics. I also belong to a book club and a bunco club. Both clubs are fun and some of the women overlap, but there are unique people in each group. I have gone to concerts and movies and happy hours with different women as a result of these groups as well as kept up on local (school and ‘hood) news.
Now for my Zippies…..they are the most amazing support system to me also. I met them at work, but now we have moved to an outside of work friendships and manage to schedule things to do together, through all our hechtic schedules and many children. Takes some planning, but definitely workable. OK one more thing….once you meet some people, start some traditions, plan a beach weekend…if it is fun do it again the next year….I on on my 18th+ Plan a girls Xmas/Hannukah shopping party….if it is fun, make it a tradition….20 years and counting here.
Making friends is hard and it takes tons of work. Sometimes you give 90% and they give 10%; but then there are times when it is the reverse. True friends will understand this; the balance is what keeps things going. So make those calls, plan those events and even if people say no because of scheduling, don’t automatically think they don’t want to do anything the next time. Keep forging ahead and making those connections!
Stay Light and Breezy, Zippy#4
ZippyChix recently posted..The Wendy Williams Phenomenon
Can you be my life coach?! I’ll call you each morning and you can kick my ass into gear? :)
Absolutely!!!! Call any time:)
ZippyChix recently posted..Ebay
Where do you live? Because I seriously have the most amazing group of friends one could ever hope for. We would love to have you and would give you brunch and put pictures on your refrigerator of our wildly adorable children.
I’m serious.
dusty earth mother recently posted..My Brain On TMI
Baltimore. You close? If not, you should totally print out pics of my kids for your fridge. Or, not. That might be a tad odd.
Well I’m glad to see it’s not just my life! My best friend and blog buddy, Lela, has a group of friends like that where she lives (in another state, so I’m not part of it). I have nothing like that. Sure we have a few good friends, but no that we see regularly, and it seems like they all have such busy social lives. My in-laws had a group of friends like that in retirement. I’m in my early 40′s and beginning to wonder if we’ll still be alone with no “circle of friends” when we retire!!
Ally recently posted..Post It Note Tuesday
Move to my community. We have that here.
Susie @newdaynewlesson recently posted..Make Sure You Have “Go To” Outfit In Your Closet
Hey, I just saw a photo of you and you are not scary at all :)
I am going to be in your hood, well, DC … in Oct, I will meet you for cocktails, or coffee or that brunch you you so badly need … its harder to have the right support group as you get older, since you are older and wiser! But kvetch here anytime you want!
By Word of Mouth recently posted..Thank you dear public
But, then you’ll leave! That’s the problem. I have great people all over, but I want that group near ME!
I hear you! There is no substitue for Flesh & Blood. FB is fine but real face to face girl friends are priceless.
FB= Facebook
Well, judging from the 128 comments on this post…I’d say you DO have that group of friends. They’re just online! ;-)
I know what you mean. I’m an only child, though, so I’m still kind of a loner. Not sure if I’ll grow out of that. And my boyfriend was an only child for the first nine years of his life until his sister came along, so I think he’s got that only child lonerness in him, too.
I once read that above the fashion, the humor, the men, and the sex of Sex In The City, that women most envied their friendship. The idea of an everlasting bond between women despite age and families is so appealing to us all because it’s nearly impossible to find. I hear you. I wonder if I’ll ever find that most days.
Life today is very different from our favorite past tv shows. When I raised my kids in the eighties, I did have that group. For one thing, most of us mothers with young kids were fortunate enough to be home. We needed each other on many levels. Also, those days were pre-internet! Those two reasons alone caused the demise of the group. Most mothers today have jobs and still do the majority of the parenting, taking care of things, etc. Today, everyone is on their cell (even if you’re just scrolling), or connected to the internet with facebook, twitter, etc. Back in the day, the group was effortless. Today, you have to put in a lot of effort and create a group.
We had some of that before we moved last year and still have some good friends from TX that we go vacationing with but I just feel like everyone is SO busy with their own lives and stuff their kids are doing that they have blinders on and don’t even make that much time anymore to build those NEEDED friendships.
I’m trying my darndest here in our knew neighborhood. One of my neighbors and I have started doing “happy hour” on Fridays. But of course sometimes something else comes up.
Anyway, all this to say, I totally hear you and get what you’re saying… and wish we lived in the same ‘hood. :)
Elaine recently posted..Reflections of Me
Amen. Preach it, sister. When I go out I literally TROLL for friends. It’s as creepy as it sounds. Example: tonight I have an open house for my daughter’s daycare. I am currently planning my outfit in my head – and that’s not how I am. I dress up for these things like I’m going out on a date or something. I am always hoping to asked out for a 2nd date – but alas. It doesn’t happen. I know I know, I can ask too – but I can never seem to pull it together. Sounds pathetic? I don’t know – I mean, I’m cool. People like me. I have friends. I can be funny / fun – just making those kind of local connections doesn’t seem to be happening. Looks like based on comments here/ I am not alone. What did our tribe do pre-internet?
guarros recently posted..repost – guarros gone wild- first comes love
I think it was prozac. I think the Stedford wives of the pre-internet 50s had Prozac. ;-)
I know exactly what you’re saying. I’m in my late 20s, married and have two young kids. My husband and I struggle to find friendships with people in the same stage as us. Well I say ‘my husband and I’ but I really mean that I struggle. I don’t speak to any of my high school or college friends because they are still out in clubs and bars and are not close to slowing down any time soon. Don’t get me wrong, my husband and I still go to bars but not on a nightly basis. We think C.P.S. might have something to say to us if we did. We don’t even have family around to help us out so we rely on ourselves and babysitters. So, until we find our magical group, we sit at home on the back porch sipping on a cocktail while the kids terrorize our dogs and scatter their toys everywhere. Cheers to grown ups.
My God, so I’m not alone? I KNOW exactly what you’re talking about! Those dinner parties! All the get togethers… :( We have close friends. Our best friends with kids live 5 hours away. We are close with our family – parents, sister, brother, their kids – but a group of tight friends with kids that live super close to us… not so much.
Why do I have all this fine china? :(
And although new moms are fun to talk to at the park, that’s where the friendship usually ends. Sigh.
At least I have you! :)
I can so relate to this but it’s partly my fault. When you move to a new city you need to make an even bigger effort to get out there and meet people. Still on the search for deeper and more meaningful friendships!
Crystal – Prenatal Coach recently posted..Fertility Food Friday- Organic- Grass-Fed Liver
I think tribes come and go. I had my Michael is a baby tribe in the form of my playgroup, and in the past year or so we have all kind of gone our separate ways, and I’m sad. I’m hoping with the start of Elementary school, I can meet some new moms. So far it hasn’t happened. I do love my bloggy peeps.
jodifur recently posted..More
My groups have sort of come and gone and come and gone again. Life is busy and we are all running. No in my forties I am finding that the boys and I are working hard to find time to hang out. It takes some work, but it is worth it.
Jack recently posted..Visions of Paradise
Keep looking and don’t give up. I am almost 40 and I think I just about found it.
Tracy Sohl recently posted..Creating a Sense of Place
Hey, I hear you. Yet a couple years back I tried having a special friend, but then she started like dictating my life and bashing everyone else. She ended up being a kind of mean gossip. Her husband and mine never connected. I did stuff with her for over a year, but then it didn’t feel right. I wasn’t the same sort of person she was. I’m not all for show, and if someone else doesn’t do what I want immediately or exactly like I think it should be done, I don’t go around bad mouthing them. She wouldn’t even let me disagree with her on things. She was emailing stuff I asked her to stop emailing me about. Then she went on ballistic on me. I broke off the relationship. I’d rather be a loner than have a tornado personality as a friend. You know the kind that can suck you up by their powerful personality, and whirl you around to be spinning the gossip and halved truths like they do. I couldn’t do it, it wasn’t me, nor was it the type of person I would ever want to become.
Sure it would be nice to have true friends, and that I have found to be my younger sister, though family, she’s always been there for me. She’s more than a sister, she’s a true friend.
Lauralee Hensley recently posted..September 11- 2001
I feel like I’ve already posted to this… but I can’t remember. I think I read it in a stupor of teething awakedness last night…
Anyway.
I used to be obsessed with this show too when I was younger. Why? It’s such an adult show. But that’s beside the point.
I never had a group of friends… even in college, when I was pretty close to a group of friends, I always felt like an outsider. Like I had to remind people I was there. I hated that.
My husband has a group of friends he’s known since as far back as middle school. While they are all grown,and people are doing different things with their lives. they are all still hanging out together.
Except we are the only ones with a child. And that automatically alienates us.
Still, this year, we all took a trip to the Outer Banks and rented one of those huge homes. We had such a good time, we’re going with everyone again next year.
I still don’t feel part of their group, as they all do things together without me and my family, but it feels like something. I guess.
erica recently posted..I Won’t be Caught Dead in Jeggings
I feel you, Jill. The thing is, I actually do have a good group of friends in my area…the only problem? Who has the time to get together with friends?!? Everyone is so busy it seems. We’re lucky to meet up with friends once a month and I have to schedule those dates with friends months in advance. It’s also hard to meet new friends in your 30′s, especially when you’re part of a couple that does a lot of things together. I wrote about dating other couples recently and it’s apparently a problem many of us deal with. It’s one thing to meet friends on your own, but it’s doubly hard when you’re trying to make friends with couples!
Btw, whenever you’re in SoCal, you have a standing invitation at my house for brunch. =)
-Aimee
Aimee @ Ain’t Yo Mama’s Blog recently posted..Mental Monday- Anxiety- times 30
I sooo feel the same way – like where the heck is everyone…..who wants to come and bake Christmas cookies, who can I call when I am having a shitty day??
I don’t have that either.
Sigh.
I do have some pretty great cyber friends though…..:)
angie recently posted..Where I’ve Been…
Hey good point! Where ARE they all? :)
Teri recently posted..today she started pre-k!
I could cry I relate to this so much. In fact, I just might. I know if I read through the comments I definitely would.
I feel ya. 100%. I’m still a few months from 30, but damn… I need some family.
Julie recently posted..If I Could Change My World
I could’ve written this one myself. I’m in Baltimore (and on the mom’s group, which is how I found your blog). We can be friends. There will be pie.
I don’t have a small tight knit group that fills every category like they did on Thirtysomething, but I do have different groups of friends that cover pretty much everything. I have my mommy group, who are there to commiserate and go to the zoo and watch Sophie on the fly. I have my girlfriends (the Hon Night gang) and we talk about sex (or lack of it), but we also hang out as families, go on vacations together. They have brought us food in times of crisis. I have my dearest and oldest friend. Who I could call in the middle of the night or spend any holiday with her and her family with no notice, who will go shopping with me and tell me my butt looks fat in those jeans. I have my closest friend, who I met in the grocery store when our kids were itty bitty, an unlikely beginning to a great friendship.
Each relationship is work, though. My moms group took months to coalesce, months of me hosting a playdate every week, for us to reach the really great place we are now. The Hons were a tight group, many of whom had known each other for decades, when I came on the scene. And even though I was so shy when I first started hanging out with them, now they’re MY girls.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that you’re probably going to have to be the one to make it happen. Take a chance, step out of your comfort zone. You are such a dynamic person with so much to offer. You’ll find your thirtysomething tribe, I’m sure of it.
And hey, if you ever need someone to shoot the shit with, I’m around. :)
Carabee recently posted..Side Effects
I really do know how you feel! I had this support/friendship for a short wonderful time…and it is here that I met my best friend. We relocated, I had to move away from my coffee/running buddy and it hasn’t been the same. I am now in my 40′s and still searching for that connection to have in our new area. We have great friends, but it is nothing like what we shared in our old ‘hood.
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Without any other words to say, it is a wonderful post! Hmmm out of this workaholic life, how important is to have a support system. And I really must thank you for sharing this. Many 20s like me will know the importance of fellowship with friends. The loneliness will really eat people. It may result in many dangerous outcomes. Though we have close neighbors, our good old friends could understand us through and through :-)
I wish you get your tight knit group soon.
Oh me too! I am not religious and I don’t like the way churches all have their special agendas instead of teaching plain old tollerance and love but I have seriously been thinking about going so I can have a little comunity! A little support!!
My friends with school age children tell me this will come thru my children’s relationships as they get into school. I’ll meet people and these relationships will develop.
I don’t know… I work overnights. I miss out on all that great mailbox mingling on the curb with the neighbors. (sigh)
I have felt much the same way all my life. I do really well one on one – and manage to make a lot of “single” friends, but rarely have I felt part of a group. I have on occasion tried to bring all those “single” friends together for a party thinking this would be the funnest thing ever because all my friends will be there. But since they didn’t know each other I spend the whole time trying to entertain everyone and just end the evening exhausted and disappointed. Being an only child doesn’t help – I used to pine away for a big, loud, family that would eat huge dinners together and make fun of each other in a loving way. I’ve decided that we have to make our own groups out of our own families, and I remind myself often that real life just isn’t like TV. Sigh.
Ummm…welcome to Baltimore, where the question “where did you go to school” means high school. As a transport here, I’m amazed @ the cliqueiness of it all. It’s a lonely, lonely small town under the guise of a city.
I read this the other day and it’s been sitting open on my computer… While I’ve been meaning to comment on it, I’ve ended up thinking about it quite a bit.
I think that Thirtysomething was a a very simple take on adult friendships. That whole dynamic could totally exist in the real world – but there would be a million other characters.
Hope and Nancy probably didn’t see each other more than a couple of times a month and Ellen was only available for coffee dates when she didn’t have a boyfriend. Melissa was family – so she was just around for the free meals. The guys all bonded through sports and work and only called each other when there was a reason. TV always shows us these close groups of friends who do everything together – but I have of yet to really see that in the real world.
BUT I do live in a neighborhood that has given me several newer friends who have all been there for each other quite a bit. We try to check in with Jen as much as possible since her husband left her (three weeks after she had her second baby – douchebag). Every Thursday, I go over to her house to watch Project Runway. Diane and I both have “normal” looking boys with fairly complicated and inexplicable special needs, so we can always talk to each other about our fears without having to suffer the sympathetic but totally clueless smiles and words of encouragement from people who “mean well”. Rich drops by at least once a day and sometimes leaves his two year old, Jack behind (escape much?) His wife Cathy drops by less frequently, but before she had her own babies she usually had one of my twins over at her place to help out (i.e. have an excuse to cuddle a newborn) – she’s also a really funny drunk.
That is a snapshot of my current daily socializing and NOT ONE of us would ever refer to the others as “best friends”. We’re friends by proximity – but still real friends. I usually say “good friends” and you could easily throw the group into a TV show for a few story arcs. But we don’t do everything together, we don’t see each other every day (except for Rich of course) and if we moved, we’d probably lose touch and only be facebook friends (except Chris because he thinks facebook is a step away from online swingers communities).
I get what you’re saying – but I think we all have an element of “Thirtysomething” in our daily life. Because it was based on us – or just everyone. That show lasted four years and in the real world the whole group would have disbanded by now and have new immediate proximity friends. We all do it – over and over again.
I’ve tended to keep all of my good friends and could still pick up with them after years of falling out of touch. That’s enough for me. But the neighborhood friends are a great support, and they’ve made me finally come to terms with my banishment to the suburbs.
You really have put thought into this, huh? :)
And, I like the sound of what you have. Not the perfect life I envision, but more than I have at the moment. I’ll take it.
I want that too! I’ve been telling my fiance- Yes fiance, Yes I am almost 34 with 2 little girls, a fiance and working on my right marriage, I mean 2nd marriage :)
Anyway, we need more friends. I think there should be Speed Dating for Couples! I think it’s the best idea I’ve had in a while. I looked into it and it seems like swingers are the only other 3osomethings that think this is a good idea as well. That was disappointing to say the least.
So where are all of you normal adults looking for friends?
Hey girl! I was just browsing sites that I hit about once a month to check out and yours is on the list now (*wink *blush*) and I know this is an older post and that my “advice” will come with a grain of salt since my lifestyle is kinda funny to you :-). So that disclaimer being said :-) I proceed lol!!!
I have found the BEST community and the BEST friends in my local Evangelical Church. We have Girls Nights Outs where the hubby’s watch the kids. Our hubby’s are all friends and support our friendships – we all trade babysitting and girlfriend – I’ve delivered way to many meals in the last few weeks – one for a friend who just had her baby and another who just had her gall bladder out. No one goes hungry in our circle! We are all so close we trade clothes! And not just kid clothes – I mean our clothes and even our husband’s! lol! It’s a blessing!
We go to McDonald’s to play let the kids play on the slides while we chat, every single Tuesday and we share life together. We connect, cry, and share each others joys and burdens.
I truly believe this is the way God meant our lives to be – to have good friends and family who unconditionally love one another and take care of each other (of course it’s not all roses…there are moments of strained friendships, kid disputes, or marital spats that make it uncomfortable at times…but it keeps it interesting right? And the key to good friendships – forgiveness.)
So, just a thought…have you tried stopping by a church in your area? Give it time – cause it does take time to build friendships…but you may find it a comfy place? Never know???
Okay – or not :-)!
Love ya,
Courtney
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Good Lord Courtney, thought you were talking about trading husbands … then I realised you meant their clothes and then I thought my husband would run screaming for the hills … where on earth do you live?
Sounds like Stepford meets Big Love and Happy Valley … Scary Mommy is going to move in and be your houseguest for all that love and attention !
…. but I am heading over to check out your blog to find out more about your personal Nirvana!
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If I lived near you, I would be that to you in a heart beat.
xo
Ugh, sounds like the thoughts in my head…and to think i’m only 19.
I’m loving my 30s – best decade so far! Unfortunately, it will be ending far too soon….