Being a new mom is hard work. Whether it’s your first or fourth, the weeks and months after your child is born can be a whirlwind of tears, laughter, and lots and lots of poop. While it can be satisfying to spend entire days lounging in your pj’s staring at your baby, it’s a good idea to get out and about once in a while. There is a very small window where babies are portable and immobile, so take advantage of it while you can. Plus, all of us seasoned moms are just dying to harass you with unsolicited parenting advice. Don’t worry about seeking us out; we will be able to spot you.
1. You could give a Sherpa a run for his money with the amount of baby-related items you can carry at once. You are regularly late to meet friends because you have an entire nursery school fashioned to your back.
2. You are the first person in the Target parking lot every morning.
3. You cannot bring yourself to perform such harrowing activities as cutting the baby’s nails, taking their temperature up the balloon knot, or adorning your baby in anything other than Pima cotton clothing washed in Dreft and dried with unicorn whispers.
4. You spent the entire morning attempting to puree a rutabaga. You will explain to anyone who asks in excruciating detail how difficult it is to puree a rutabaga. We will have no choice but to act interested because you will not break eye contact. We think you may have fallen asleep with your eyes open, but it’s hard to tell.
5. You stare at your baby nonstop. You believe if you do not have visual contact with your baby he may vanish into thin air.
6. You post dozens of photos and videos of your kid on Instagram, Facebook, PicCollage, and Snapchat. If there is an app that allows photos and followers, you’re on it (and we better like that shit if we want to remain in your circle of friends).
7. You remind us of our drunk friend Patrick who spends an uncomfortable amount of time staring into space and murmuring half-sentences.
8. Every shirt you own has a suspect stain on the right shoulder that could be applesauce, breast milk, yogurt, snot, or any combination thereof.
9. You are carrying a newborn.
10. You feel totally comfortable telling anyone who asks about your episiotomy, chapped nipples, and consistency of your child’s feces.
11. You are routinely spotted at the local zoo thoughtfully pointing out each animal to your baby. We will not, under any circumstance, mention the baby cannot actually see the animals. Even we do not want to be on the receiving end of another sleep-deprived new mom.
12. If we stop moving for too long, you try to swaddle us. That also goes for our dog.
13. You will randomly find a Cheerio in your cleavage and eat it without giving a second thought.
14. Even if your child is not with you, we can find you rocking from side to side while waiting in the grocery store checkout.
15. If all else fails, we can check you out from behind. You’ll be the one wearing the cape. You got this, mama.