The Stand Up Routine


After months of preparation, weeks of pep talk, several readings of lift-the-flap books that make flushing noises, countless rewards, endless tears, $20+ worth of little boy underwear that made their way into the garbage versus the laundry room, repeated unintentional accidents, and a handful of accidents that were the exact opposite of unintentional, I think my son may have finally turned a corner.

I am being cautiously optimistic at this point, but I think we have mastered the concept of “urge = big boy chair.” He makes a bee-line for the bathroom when he has to “go” and performs the proper behavioral sequence that one would expect of anyone capable of independent toileting.
Here’s where we’re struggling: Technique and follow-through. The perfect gooseneck form at the free-throw line when the championship game is on the line with .5 seconds to go. Our reality is, there is no gooseneck, nor does he win the game… ever. 

Better luck next time I guess… or the next time, or the next time, or the time after that. Air balls. Every. Single. Time. “Yeah, you’re benched for the season kid. No offense, but you suck.” 
Of course my son insists on performing the “stand up routine” like his daddy. It’s cute, but he is physically incapable of achieving success given his short stature and inability to stand on his tippy toes for the minimum amount of time required to get the job done. Nonetheless, he is fully committed to this less than desirable method. Things would go much more smoothly if he wouldn’t refuse to sit on the chair that was specifically designed to contain his tiny, yet dangerous manhood from flailing about. That chair cost me forty bucks. I will never see that money again. It got rave reviews on Amazon, yet there it sits, beside the toilet, clean, unused, and ironically the only thing in the bathroom that doesn’t get sprayed by my son’s weapon of mass destruction.
I don’t know how to teach aim. I am a girl. We sit, we go, it sprays all over the place (much more so if you’ve had a few kids like me), but it is contained to the target area because we are sitting. We wipe everything from the waste down and move on with our lives. It’s not pretty, but it works.
Standing to pee is the stupidest idea ever.

The pee never goes in there completely. It’s gross, insensitive, and I honestly would rather the men in my life find a tree in the yard so I don’t have to dip into my reserve stash of rubber gloves and disinfecting wipes once again. “Sorry next door neighbors, but they’re your problem now.”

I digress.
We’ve tried several approaches. I give full credit to my husband for coming up with the best idea to date, “target practice.”  Throw something in the bowl and proclaim with enthusiasm, “Hit it!”  One square of toilet paper, a marshmallow, a cheerio, anything that floats. “Hit it Buddy!  You can do it!” 
But alas, he cannot. It’s a fire hose on full blast with no one behind to direct the flow. “The house is burning down Buddy!  Redirect!  Redirect!” 
He will never be a fireman. Maybe a famous abstract artist that throws paint from across the room like some sort of a mad man, but never a fireman. The fact is, I will be proud of my son regardless of what he grows up to be, so long as he doesn’t grow up to be one those guys who doesn’t lift the seat and wipe the room down after he takes a piss. Then all bets are off. 


The Scary Mommy Community is built on support. If your comment doesn't add to the conversation in a positive or constructive way, please rethink submitting it. Basically? Don't be a dick, please.

  1. says

    Yes. But if ur son was trained to sit down backwards on the toilet seat, so that he could both hold on and get the pee in the toilet, then u r taking off all clothes from the waist down in every public bathroom in Christendom. The rest stop, for Chrissakes. GROSS.

    Show Replies
  2. Christine says

    Yep, I have one of these also. I am reinforcing “the wipe down” each time, but still have to do it myself each time after him, ’cause I’m trying to resist the urge to make him do it with a disinfecting wipe!

    Good luck to you and may the force be with him!

    Show Replies
  3. Deanna says

    OMG! That is hysterical! This certainly makes me thankful for my fully potty trained little girl! She already wipes her own “gina” all by herself. My best friend has a boy and she complained constantly about the full-court spray that was his potty training until he “grew into” his abilities.

    Show Replies
  4. says

    My husband is amazing in that he sits (trained himself because he hated cleaning the bathroom when he was single). He also trained both boys to do so. The boys even squat to pee outside. They are completely unaware that standing is an option. I am so lucky and had to brag.

    Show Replies

Load More Comments

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>