As I made my way into the locker room from the pool at my local gym, I braced myself as I pushed the door into the ladies dressing area. Having been a patron for several years, I knew I was going to be met with a whole lot of nakedness when I padded my way to my locker because women over forty don’t give a fuck about letting it all hang out.
But nothing could prepare me for the sight in front of me on that day.
A fully naked woman had her leg hiked up onto a bench and was actively applying lotion into her butt crack.
In her butt crack, y’all.
Listen, I’m all for a good skin care regimen people, but I need to be clear here: no one needs to see this kind of action in person.
Because, of course, my locker was right next to hers, I tried to avert my eyes but there was no escaping it. As she cheerfully chatted me up, I watched in horror as she turned around and nonchalantly entered the combination to her locker with her now lubed with E. coli and lotion hand.
And that’s when locker number 53 was permanently cancelled.
People of the gym, I’m going to need you to stop being nasty AF in my workout spaces because I cannot handle one more instance where I’m forced to deal with germs and other grossness due to your laziness.
I’m going to have to ask that you recognize that we are all in this workout misery together and kindness matters when it comes to shared barbells and rowing machine etiquette.
And we all know those gym offenders, the ones who think the rules don’t apply to them or who think their sweat doesn’t stink.
But, nasty gym people, I see your gross and rude behavior and I’m here to call you on your bullshit.
Yes, you have to wipe your machine or equipment down.
Why is this so hard for people to understand? You just spent 30 minutes sweating your ass off on that elliptical machine. Your hands are sweaty and you probably wiped sweat off your face before you bumped up the speed on the display. Your sweaty disgustingness is all over that machine and I will thank you to clean up after yourself. I’ll share the elliptical with you, but I am not taking home your germs, thankyouverymuch.
Sharing is caring and this applies to you too, Chad.
I really don’t care that you are training for a marathon and it’s too cold to run your 20-miler. I spent 40 minutes wrestling my toddler into his snowsuit and another 10 minutes disentangling him from my leg at the child care area. I need you to get the fuck off that treadmill because I don’t have time to wait for you to run to California and back, treadmill hog. And, hey, Chad? Just because you’ve taken your last 35 spin classes on bike #7, it doesn’t mean you don’t own your favorite bike. I paid just as much money to be here today so, if you don’t mind, why don’t you find another bike because I’m fine right here, thanks.
Walking around barefoot in the locker room.
Just stop that right now. Seriously, people, WTF? Feet are gross enough on a good day, but after a sweaty workout? Ew, just ew. Invest in a $2 pair of flip flops and do us all a favor by wearing them while you prance buck ass naked around the locker room. Please and thank you.
Don’t talk to me in the sauna. Or anywhere.
Listen, I’m naked under this towel and I just want to sit here in the hot sauna and relax. I don’t want to make small talk and, by the way, don’t sit so damn close to me, you creeper. Oh, and I see you left your flip flops in the locker room. Awesome. And, when I’m on the treadmill, I really don’t care to chit chat about the news or gossip. I came here to make myself miserable on this treadmill, I don’t need distractions, okay?
Stop being a showoff.
Yes, meathead man, we see that you just lifted 400 pounds over your head and held it there for two seconds. I mean, how could we have missed it? You just grunted like you were giving birth and then created an earthquake when you dropped the weights dramatically. We get it, dude. No one cares.
That’s enough, New Year’s Resolutionists.
Even though I don’t always want to be at the gym, my year-round gym buddies and I know the ropes and support each other all year round. When newbies show up in their workout gear from Santa, clogging up our 6 a.m. yoga warrior classes, we get pissed — and wait until the crowd dies down in mid-February. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all about self-improvement and we all have to start our fitness goals somewhere, but when you’re only coming to check off the box on your resolution to-do list and you spend the entire time chatting with your BFFs, you aren’t fooling anybody. #seeyounextyear
Blowdrying your pubes in public makes you an asshole.
I can’t even believe I have to review this with you, but I’ve seen it happen enough times to know that it makes me die inside when I see someone giving their crotch hair a blow out in the locker room. I get it, no one likes wet pubes. But you know what else no one likes? Watching you blow dry your pubes. Full stop. No, I mean it. Stop it.
Old people, you don’t own the swim lanes.
Ma’am, I think we all agree that you look totes adorbs in your bathing cap from 1952 and your suit with a skirt, but I’m going to have to kindly ask you to do your water aerobics bobbing routine over in the free swim area. Yes, ma’am, I know I’m supposed to respect my elders, but fuck off and get out of my way.
Gym etiquette isn’t hard, people. It doesn’t take much extra time to wipe a machine down when you are finished or to slip on flip flops (or a towel?) in the locker room. Finding the time to exercise is hard enough without having to deal with the asshat who thinks that listening to music without ear phones is a good idea.
And, for the love of all that is holy, leave the ass crack lotion at home.