We all know being a mom is hard, but have you ever considered the plight of the common toddler? Life is rough for those of us less than three feet tall. You can kind of talk, you’re sort of potty-trained, and sometimes you get what you want because you’re cute, but it’s not all rainbows and butterflies. I did some extensive interviews with toddlers and here’s what I discovered were some of the worst atrocities committed against them…
1. Mom makes me wait until the credits are over to start another episode of Curious George on Netflix.
2. I can’t go to the grocery store naked.
3. I wanted a peanut butter sandwich but Mom gave me almond butter instead.
4. Mom said I can only watch Dora if I watch it on the laptop with headphones and I can’t find the headphones.
5. Mom is washing my favorite blanket! How am I going to survive an hour and a half without it?!
6. Dad bought the watermelon flavored toothpaste instead of the bubble gum flavored which is basically a fate worse than death.
7. I had to take a bath without bubbles. WTF.
8. I can’t play with the blender or food processor or electric drill or anything else that makes awesome noises.
9. Mom put green stuff in my smoothie.
10. Siri said she didn’t know the answer to the millionth question I asked her today.
11. I had to drink my morning milk out of the green Finding Nemo cup instead of the orange Finding Nemo cup.
12. I can’t poop in my diaper anymore.
13. Dad made me wear matching shoes to daycare.
14. The batteries died in my VTech so I had to play with toys which don’t light up or sing or show me videos or do anything on their own.
15. I have to put on a coat if I want to play in the snow. And pants.
16. I can’t color on the table or the wall or the TV or the dog or…
17. There’s no DVD player in my stroller.
18. Mom left the crust on my cheese sandwich. It is now inedible.
19. My hair has to get washed during bath time.
20. Mom wouldn’t give me any of her ice-blended coffee.
21. I can’t take the goldfish to bed with me.
22. I wanted to wear the polka dot cloth diaper, but Mom put me in the giraffe one instead.
23. Mom said because I flooded the bathroom by flushing the toilet 812 times, I can’t play on the iPad anymore today.
24. My socks are just white. No Elsa, no Bob the Builder, no Elmo, nothing. Just white.
25. We’re all out of those squeezy pouch things so now I have to, like, bite into an apple or something.
Toddlers of the world, please know that your grievances have been heard. And then promptly dismissed. We’ll talk about your first world problems once you start pulling your weight. Or at least stop licking everything.
Related post: The 10 Dumbest Things I’ve Said to My Toddlers